Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Broke my Rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Broke my rule

It’s over 80 degrees in my room so I had to break my rule of keeping the door closed. I can’t open the window because I don’t like it. Now the stuffiness is a little more tolerable than it was. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow as the temp is supposed to be 90 degrees and my bro-in-law hasn’t put my AC in yet. I think I might melt.

I got some reading done tonight. A whole chapter and a half. I had to switch to my reading glasses because the progressive lenses suck for reading. It’s like reading through a concave lens. I kept having to shift my eyes or my head to read the page. Annoying!

I complained to Amazon about my shipping problem. They were no help as they want me to contact the seller. There is nothing s/he can do about it as it’s already mailed. Hope they got their money’s worth of my $7 that I paid. As I usually send things via media mail, I know it’s the cheapest way to send books so s/he probably paid half of that. I am never getting expedited shipping again. It never works out for me. I am seriously considering getting Amazon Prime so I can get two day shipping for free.

I am in mega pain tonight. There has to be a storm coming because my spine is aching really bad and the CRPS is flaring up on me. I can see every vein in my foot and it’s throbbing big time. I hate being in so much pain. I just took my night meds so I hope that plus my pain meds knock me out. But I am in a hot room so I am not so sure I can sleep, even with the door open. I might have to take some nerve pain meds. I really don’t want to because I will wake up a few hours after I sleep and I will be up the rest of the night. I might be pain free but I will be wide awake.

I haven’t emailed my psych since the beginning of the week. I should send her an email saying I am doing okay. She is worried about me becoming manic. I think the depression has finally lifted a bit and I am just left with the sadness of the death of my father. I really didn’t think I was going to miss the bastard, but it happened. I saw a picture of him today when he was a little overweight. It was taken when my littlest niece was maybe six, so it was almost 5 years ago. He had the smug look on his face that I can’t stand. I don’t know why I miss him. It’s strange to me that I do. I guess it’s the one attachment in my life that I tried to cut out but never quite could and now that he is gone, permanently, it sucks. The “movie” started playing again today. It was in fast forward from the time the ambulance people transported my father to when I first noticed he wasn’t breathing anymore. That’s where it ended, today at least. Then I went through what happened afterwards with me panicking about what to do. I am usually calm in emergencies but this wasn’t an emergency. My father was dead and there had to be an official notification of his death. Here it is a month later and we are still dealing with him and his ashes. “Dust we are and as dust we shall return”. I don’t know the verse in the Bible but I think that is how it goes. It’s funny that Jesus didn’t return as dust. He just rose from the dead and was never seen or heard from again.

I seriously need to finish the story I started while I was in the hospital. I know I am risking PTSD symptoms and with this being a holiday weekend, there is no coverage. My psych will be on vacation next week and I am sure my therapist will be away somewhere with her family. Only place I can go is the ER or take an extra Ativan, if I need it. It’s funny that the chapter I was reading about psychopharmacology and PTSD included Ativan as a medication to control symptoms relating to anxiety. PTSD is of course in the anxiety family of diagnoses. I had forgotten about that. It works well with me and my symptoms. I am lucky to have a drug that works for me. I have been on so many and they have failed me. It’s nice to finally be on one that works. I don’t use it all the time, just when I am desperate and all else has failed me, like grounding and distraction. Lately, distraction hasn’t been working for me. Music has though. I get lost in the sounds and lyrics. I finally was able to listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album tonight and found it wasn’t as depressing as it was when I was depressed. It’s a pretty good album.

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

I am so tired that I can’t sleep. I have a million things on my mind. It didn’t help that my brother in law pissed me off with his ignorance in medical matters. The idiot thought my father is in acute liver failure. I had to correct him several times. Then he thought that the medication my father has been taking for years has contributed to the kidney failure. He just doesn’t get it. And it’s so painful because he thinks he is right and the world is wrong.

I also have been fighting my suicidal urges for most of the evening. I took 2 mg of Ativan to calm myself down as I am just a wreck. The news of my father being in KIDNEY failure is not sitting well with me. I know that it is going to be down hill after this. He is just going to get worse. I keep praying he goes in his sleep one of these days.

I also took 900 mg of Neurontin because I can’t stand the burning in my ankle/foot anymore. It’s been helping increase my appetite the last few days. I am hoping I can have my favorite breakfast sandwich tomorrow and finish it without a problem.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nervous about seeing her. I told her today that I think my father is going to die within a week’s time and that hospice has been called. I also told her that I have to put off going in the hospital because my father is closer to dying. I can’t wait for this to be over with. It’s been really tough. My youngest sister is in denial about him dying. She said it “doesn’t make sense”. I don’t know what to say to make it make sense for her. She thinks that my father will bounce back and have the energy he once had. Denial is a powerful thing.

I hate being in pain but especially nerve pain because Neurontin is the only thing that helps with it but it takes hours for it to work. That’s why I took the Ativan to help me sleep. I really felt like taking the rest of the bottle but I didn’t. My psych would have really put me in the hospital if I did, regardless of the situation with my father. I can’t risk being sectioned involuntarily.

I wish I could just lay down and fall asleep. I am going to try in a little bit. Today has been such a hard day and I didn’t need the tangle with my brother in law to get me more upset. I just hope that I don’t wake up at 0400 like I have the past few mornings. That has really disrupted my sleep, not to say I have been sleeping right but it just makes it worse.

I have been slowly gaining interest back with the Sox. They are doing horrible tonight. They have had a few chances to score and blew it. Right now they are scoreless in extra innings, least they were when I last checked.

Longest Day Ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Longest Day Ever

My sister wanted to see my father by T so I went along with her because I haven’t seen him in a few days. I also wanted to be there to see if I could see the social worker and the accounts person to ask questions about my father’s stay. The regular social worker was on vacation so I met with his covering one. She was nice and gave me the information that I needed. She also gave me the number for his doctor who I have to call to find out about his prognosis and other medical issues he is having.

My father didn’t look good. He was barely able to speak he was so weak. We were able to get him in a wheelchair and bring him outside for a little bit. He was really tired afterwards. My sister and I decided to catch the bus back home and that is when the longest day started. We waited over an hour for the bus. I was standing most of the way. My leg is killing me and so are my feet. We then decided to walk toward Mass Ave to catch the bus. That turned into a forty-five minute drive. I was so tired that I tried to sleep most of the way. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.

After we reached home, we had to go to the wake. I was already dressed up for it though I thought I would have time to change into a plain white T-shirt instead of my Cauda Equina one. Nope, no time. Had to rush to the funeral home. It was sad. There was even more standing at the home because the guy was young and there were a lot of people at the wake. No sitting for me. My leg already was hurting and I wish I brought some pain pills. By the end of the wake, I wished I was the one in the casket and my friend’s husband was alive.

Night filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night filled with Pain

I didn’t have any weird dreams last night but I did wake up at 0300 in pain. It woke me from a sound sleep and I couldn’t get back asleep until a few hours later. My day was shot before it began. My foot and ankle have been competing most of the day as to who is going to hurt me more. I didn’t go out today. My father is getting transferred to a rehab facility today. It’s a place a few towns over and I hope it’s on a bus line.

I would have gone today but I am in too much pain. I did a lot of walking yesterday and I am sore today. I just slept most of the day with the aid of pain medication. I really need sleep and relief from my pain if I am going to be of any use to my sisters over the next few weeks. I am so tired that writing this blog is painful. My thoughts are just not there. I am very sad to hear that my father only has a few weeks left to live. I just can’t wrap my head around it right now.

I know that my grief is going to complicate my depression or vice versa. It’s going to be hard to tease out the biological cause from the emotional cause. I thought I would be immune to it but I guess I am not. I know I have moved on mentally from my father but there is still some attachment. I know that I probably will have to go in the hospital after all is said and done. I’m hoping not but you never know.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the news. I haven’t heard back. I also asked her if our appointment next week was still a go. I really need her support through this. I was tempted to page her to talk to her because I was out of my element. I have never been as sad as I was last night. The pain I think made it worse. I had wanted to eat something but I could barely stand on my foot last night. I drank a couple of Ensures for my dinner.

I think I ate my last pastrami sub for a while. It was very good but it’s been the only thing I have been eating all week. I haven’t touched the food that I bought. I still have black bean burgers and tuna. I just have lost interest in eating them. I hope tomorrow I can eat some of them. I still have my sourdough bread, though it’s weeks old now so not that fresh anymore. Maybe I can make French toast out of it before it becomes penicillin.