Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

A Trip to the Museum

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trip to the Museum

I planned on going to the Museum of Fine Arts today if the weather permitted. Snow was in the forecast and I wasn’t sure what it was going to be like. I woke up early enough and when I saw outside, it had stopped snowing. There wasn’t that much on the ground so I decided to get going. I took a shower and made coffee. My mother can always be counted upon to make snide remarks. She was washing clothes so I took off my shirt. I didn’t think it was a big deal. She has seen me naked before. But she had to say that it was shameful. I tried not to let it bother me but it did. She can be such a bitch.

As I wasn’t heading to the Square, I took my time in getting ready. I went to Walgreens to fill my prescription and then went to the bus stop. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long as it was cold out. I did have to wait a bit for the train. I don’t know why people talk to me when I have my headphones on. There was a guy that got on the elevator with me to go to the platform. At the platform he starts a conversation with me, telling me how his girlfriend kicked him out and he is now homeless. I could give two shits about his problems. He just went on and on and I was praying for the train to hurry up. Luckily when it did come, he got on another car and I did too. I only had two stops to go to catch another train.

I got off at the museum stop and walked to the entrance. I am glad it was at the front of the building. I haven’t been to the museum in years and the last I went, it was through some door around the corner. It wasn’t there this time, just in the front of the building with stairs. Great! I didn’t see a ramp I could walk up so I did the stairs. Thankfully, they were wide enough apart and not that many. I didn’t have any problems with my membership card and walked through the museum. I had to ask where the Frida Kahlo exhibit was. It was on the 3rd floor of the place. I asked if there was an elevator and there was. I had to walk through a fancy dining hall to get to where I was going.

I got to the 3rd floor and looked for the exhibit. I was excited that I was finally going to see her art. Or thought I was. There were photos of Frida and then photos that she took, about 9 or so. I was so disappointed. My calf was starting to hurt from the brace. I walked around to see the other exhibits on the floor then made my way back to the exit, feeling downhearted. I had waited all year for this exhibited to be shown and for it to not be what I was expecting was just upsetting. When I came down the first floor, I saw the Egyptian exhibit and would have seen that but my calf was fricken barking at me. I left and then sat down in front of the museum to post online about my disappointment. I rested a few minutes as I just missed the train and would have to wait at least 10 mins for the next one.

I made my way across the street and waited. There wasn’t any seating so I had to stand. My calf was really bothering me and I don’t know why. I still had to go to Stop and Shop to see if I could get a disposable 10 inch pie plate. By the time I made it back, the temperature dropped and the wind was bitter cold. I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus to the store. I found a 9×9 square pan that I can use. Then I walked back to the bus stop. As I was walking, I saw a bus roll by. I knew I would have to wait. I still needed to get to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The next bus came about five minutes later. I was really cold. My calf decided it was going to hurt me even if I was sitting down. I couldn’t understand it as this device is made for fucking walking so it shouldn’t be bothering me. I guess I did too much.

I was starving by the time I came home as I didn’t eat lunch or really have breakfast. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My mother had been baking and used my damn walnuts for her banana bread. Now I need to buy them because I don’t have enough for my cake. I am so fucking pissed. She was arguing with me about how much was left. I need a half cup and there is maybe a fourth of a cup left. Then we were talking about the oven use. She plans on making pies Wednesday. I don’t have money until then to get the fucking walnuts so she will have to wait to make her pies. I should have bought them when I bought the cranberries but I didn’t think my mother was going to use my ingredients for her stuff. Damn bitch. She didn’t even ask if she could have them. I am so damn annoyed. Then she wants me to make dinner because she needs to “rest”. Are you fucking kidding me?? She is making cookies as I am writing this. I think she can make dinner while she is at it. Think I need an Ativan before I explode.

bewitching hour has hit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bewitching hour has hit

It’s now 0200. I can usually fall asleep within the next half hour or I will be up all night. It’s an either or battle that I face. As I am not really tired, I say that I am going to be up most of the night. I just took some Neurontin as my foot is starting to burn. I was having a conversation with a Canadian friend of mine about this drug. She take 1800 mg/day and still has nerve pain in her foot. That is an adequate dose. I take any where between 600-1200 mg or more a night. I find that taking the dose all at once is helpful for me and keeps the nerve pain away for at least 24-48 hours. Of course, if I am in a bad pain flare, that can be less coverage and I will need to take it on a regular basis for a while.

The drag races have started in my area. I don’t know why cars must have their tires screech in the midnight hours. It’s so stupid. I just hope no accidents occur or people get hurt. If I knew exactly where they were racing, I would report them. I don’t know what the police would do because by the time they would show up, the cars could be gone. So annoying.

I had fun watching my niece tonight. We didn’t watch a movie like she said we were going to. She just played on her tablet and I napped. I was in a pizza coma so slept for about an hour. Probably why I am still up. I played on my phone or on my laptop. There was some funny shit going on about Pence and his experience at the theater for the musical “Hamilton”. People are so creative in creating memes and stuff that I am just in awe. There was also some stuff going on about the president-elect and his business that is still going on. I am really afraid for this country and what is going to happen in the next four years. No wonder I am so suicidal. I honestly don’t want to be around should this country go down the toilet after all the stuff Obama did to get us back on track.

My psychiatrist didn’t ask me what my plans were for ending my life and I didn’t tell her. I just told her flatly that I was suicidal. She made me tell her that I would page her should that change to acting on my feelings. I told her that only time it really becomes a problem is when my pain levels are through the roof and I can see no way out of it in sight. Sure I have a date set and will have the pills I plan on using but I have a feeling my dorky therapist is going to be watching me like a hawk. There is no longer going to be any wiggle room about this is in therapy. It just depresses me because it just makes me feel defeated. And I don’t want to let my psychiatrist down by attempting. She is trusting me a heck of a lot. I have never lied to her. That is why our relationship has always been a good match. I have always been straight with her and she knows this. I am wicked torn. Part of me just wants to say fuck you and end it and then part of me doesn’t because I know I will lose the trust of my two professionals that care an awful lot about me. That trust is what is keeping me from being inpatient right now.

My psychiatrist and I did go over going in the hospital but I told her there was no “treatment” there anymore. I would just be babysat and that is not what I need. Besides, with the holiday coming up, I really don’t want to be in the hospital. Maybe afterwards. I don’t know if it would help. The biggest thing is the admitting doc always asks “what set you off” and honestly, I don’t know. Why am I choosing now to be inpatient rather than last week? I don’t know. I hate being inpatient only because I hate being on their schedule for meds and stuff. I rather be on my schedule but that isn’t how it works.

My pillow is calling me. I hope I am able to sleep through the night without waking up in pain. It’s late enough so I hope to be awake enough by the time the football game starts. But who knows, I might be sleeping all day because I have been up half the night.

Pain and dealing with a moron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain and dealing with a moron

My ankle decided to act up around 2330 because I wanted to lie down and god forbid, sleep. I called UNCLE but it still said fuck you. I just took another dose of pain meds so I am hoping to say fuck you back. I am not surprised I am in pain after the day that I had. I would be surprised if I wasn’t in pain. I am listening to music so that is helping the anxiety that accompanies my pain.

I posted a post in my CES group about wanting advice about what to do with having urinary problems due to possible medication and pain. I got this moron that thought that my pain medication and something else was the reason of my urinary problems. He also was confused about urodynamic testing and when I pointed this out to him, he said that you just pee out of your ass. I had enough of his antics and put a stop to the conversation, because the next step was to kick him out of the group. I can’t deal with people that don’t know basic anatomy.

Meds are making me very drowsy but the fucking pain is keeping me from slumber. Didn’t help matters that because of my nerve injury, I didn’t know that I was scratching myself in my anal area to the point of bleeding. I immediately cut my nails down because that is the last thing I need. I can’t believe how stupid I was doing something like this. Now I am in pain in that area and because of the inflamed nerves, I don’t know how long that is going to last. I really hope I don’t have a bowel movement because the last thing I need is an infection there.

In other pain news, my right Achilles is flared up. Every time I walk it hurts. I really need to do those exercises I got from the internet to help ease the pain. Some ice would probably help too but I am too tired to get the ice pack. I will ice it tomorrow. It’s probably hurting because of all I did today too. I just can’t fucking win with my damn ankles.

For some reason, I am getting hungry. I really don’t want to trek downstairs again. I ordered some cheese and crackers on my next online grocery order. I will have them up in my room so the mice can’t get at them but I can. Would love to get some cheese whiz and crackers but I don’t have the space for all that stuff. My night stand is already crammed with junk. I really need to go through it and clear it off. But I’m afraid that once I start moving stuff, I will cause a domino effect and things will fall where I don’t want them to.

I want to share this picture that someone posted on Facebook about Chronic pain. I love it. If you suffer from chronic ailments, I am sure you will find it true as well.

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the pain game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

The pain game

Since around 2100 yesterday, I have been in constant pain. My only reprieve has been when the pain meds actually have taken some of the throbbing away. Last night it was my toes that were in agony. Tonight, the top of my ankle, where the foot and ankle meet is the subject of tonight’s pain game. This type of pain, I have been having most of the day, since 0530. I have been on pain meds around the clock. I just took a strong pain pill because I don’t know what else to do.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I plan on telling her how suicidal I am. I am risking my freedom in doing so, but I feel she should know. Maybe, if I am bold, I might tell her she is better off without me and that I will be dying soon. Probably not the best way to talk to a psychiatrist, but I am tired of just saying things are fine when they aren’t. I might pose to her a theoretical situation and see what her response is. I also want to convey to her that if I should die, it’s not her fault. She has been with me for 24 years and has done the best she could do for me. Between the pain and the voices that keep telling me that I deserve to die and should kill myself, there is nothing more that can be done.

I’m tired of this Merry-go-round that I am on. It just keeps spinning and there is no getting off. I am wicked dizzy from it. And this time I have made up my mind to end things, to get off the go round for once and for all.

I never did take that nap that I wanted. My mother decided to clean the oven. It’s a self cleaning oven so she turn it on but didn’t realize that when you have grease, you can’t use it. The kitchen and the house filled up with smoke and it still smells terrible. I thought my mother just burned something in the oven but I guess that wasn’t the case, per se.

I had a friend that commented on my Twitter post about being in pain. She can’t believe it hasn’t “gone away” yet. She doesn’t understand chronic pain. It never goes away. Or it might for a little while and then will come back with a vengeance. I have found some like minded “spoonies” on Twitter. It’s been helpful to know that I am not alone with my CRPS and chronic pain issues. We don’t talk about being suicidal or how it affects our moods, however.