Nervous about the Dentist

Nervous about the Dentist

I have about two hours before I get my tooth drilled and filled. I am wicked nervous about it. I plan on taking my pain meds, an Ativan and a Zofran so that I am calm enough for the procedure. I just brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. I am kind of hungry but I don’t want to have food stuck in my teeth so I am not going to eat anything. I might have a yogurt as that doesn’t stick to your teeth. My mother bought some yogurt but it’s the light and fit kind which I don’t like. It has aspartame in it and I don’t like that additive. It gives me a migraine afterwards.

After the dentist, I figure I have two hours before my therapy appointment. I emailed my psych last night and haven’t heard back from her. I texted my therapist the same question, which was should I contact the Orlando police and see if there was an alien parasite in the gunman’s brain. I don’t know if I will get an answer. I also told my psych that I think I will be ridiculed if I did call. I asked her what does she think so I am waiting for a response. I think we will talk about this in therapy. A good blogger friend wanted me to take a PRN and page my psych. I didn’t do either. I don’t need medication when I know I am thinking clearly. People need to know that there are aliens out there that are killing people because they want power. They feed off that.

I am out of my PRN meds anyways. My psych hasn’t called in a refill yet. I have been emailing her left and right but she doesn’t respond. I might have to page her to see when she is going to call in the refill. I don’t really need it but it would be good to have it. I don’t see my psych till Friday. I have back to back appointments that day. It’s going to be a long day.

I had put chocolate donuts in the refrigerator and they have disappeared. Either someone ate them or my mother threw them away. I don’t know why I am a donut freak. My mother just bought some powered donuts and I really want to finish them off but I got to go to the fricken dentist. I really hope the numbing medicine wears off by the time I have my therapy appointment or it’s going to be interesting.

Just got today’s Daily Word Prompt. It’s “Struggle”. I think I will write something later this afternoon about it and it will be for my book. I will need to write at least 850 words for it to be in my book. I have decided that if I write at least 850 words for my book on a mental illness subject, it will increase my word count for the book and also the pages. The chapters don’t have to be very long. I got the idea from a book I was reading on writing. Seems like I am on the right track. I just need to write! It’s been difficult with the grief and depression. Yesterday’s word prompt was “rebuild”. I have a few ideas on that so I am keeping it for now. I might put it in the folder to work on later. I just wish the voices in my head could be quiet for a little while so I could think a little bit for my writing. They are so nosey. They see me typing and they want to know what I am writing about. I then I have to talk to them to shut them up. Then I lose track of what I am writing. It’s not fun.

I am tired. I didn’t get a good night’s rest. I have been tossing and turning since around 0300. I kept dreaming I was going to wake up late because I didn’t set my alarm. Then I was dreaming I was going to sleep through my alarm (even though I didn’t set it). This appointment with the dentist has me really nervous. I am tempted to cancel but I don’t want the cavity to get worse. Last night I was eating chocolate and my tooth really ached so I know I need to get it filled. I wish there was a simpler way of filling a cavity than with numbing needles and drilling.

It’s windy out. It’s supposed to be in the 70s today. We’ll see.

Disoriented

Disoriented

I thought I had a dentist appointment this morning at 0930 for a filling. Damn secretary had switched the time and day on me so now I have to go tomorrow morning at the same time. I just hope the numbness wears off by the time I see my therapist in the afternoon. I came home, made myself something to eat and then took a nap. I slept almost five hours and woke disoriented. I thought today was Tuesday and it was after 1400, so not only did I miss my dentist appointment, I missed my therapy appointment as well. I checked to see if I had missed calls and I didn’t. I thought that was odd because I know my therapist would be freaking out if I didn’t answer the phone. Then I checked the date and realized it was still Monday. Whew! Crisis averted.

I am wicked nervous about the filling for the cavity I have. I am scared of the needle for the numbing medicine. Normally needles don’t bother me but when they have my name on it, they bother me. My biggest worry is that I’ll have to have a root canal after the filling because it is deep. I only had one tooth that needed a root canal. Granted it was because the filling in it had gone bad and they had to dig it out and replace it. It was not pleasant or cheap, even with insurance.

I sent my previous blog to my psychiatrist. I haven’t heard back from her. I still haven’t received the refill that I need. I knew I should have told her when I talked to her on Saturday. I hope I don’t have to wait till Friday to get it refilled. That will just suck.

Despite my naps this afternoon, I am still tired. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. I am going to read another chapter of Harry Potter before I do go to bed. I will take my meds and then read so that I am relaxed. My mother finally made chicken cutlets for supper. She also made stuffing, which is my favorite side dish in the world. Nothing beats Stove Top, other than her homemade stuffing she makes for Thanksgiving. I didn’t eat too much because I wasn’t that hungry. Being tired destroys hunger.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I am getting delusional and I think no one is taking me seriously. I really want to call the investigators and see if they checked the gunmen’s brains for the alien parasites. If it is not there, then it went into someone else. This won’t be good. There will be another attack somewhere else. The alien parasite will influence them to do this. I am scared to call the investigators though for fear of being ridiculed. I haven’t told my therapist about all this. Maybe I will send her the blog.

I wanted to go to the post office today but I was too sleepy. Then when I thought about it, as usual, the place was closed. I should have went after I woke up from my nap. I still can’t believe how disoriented I was. I didn’t know what day it was. I really thought I slept till the next day.

Post 1802

Post 1802

I am wicked mad right now. I thought I had a dentist appointment to fill my cavity and they switched it on me for tomorrow. I hope that I can talk then because I have my appointment with my therapist. I showered, brushed my teeth, took the meds to calm me down for nothing! Now I am kind of sleepy and am debating on going back to sleep or making coffee so I can wake up. I am so pissed.

I mailed the letter for the hospice group to thank them and also to appreciate all their efforts in caring for my father and us. If I am up to it later today, I will mail back something so I can get a refund. I have a transponder that I no longer use because I don’t have a car. I got a letter last weekend saying that because it has been inactive for three years, they want it back and in doing so, they will refund my money on my account.

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, between 0200 and 0400. I was going to write a blog but I decided to tweet my thoughts. Here they are:

#Iamsickenedby the discrimination of the LGBTQ community. The call for blood and then they turn away gay men. Just sickens me. I thought the agency that controls blood donations was going to lift the ban so gay men could donate. But as usual, it was just all talk. now there is a real need for blood and the very men that would like to donate are being turned away. It’s just upsetting to me. The whole thing has set off my psychosis. I feel like calling the investigators to see if the gunmen had parasites in their brains. That is my delusion, that there is something controlling these extremists to make them act the way they do. Just like the Goa’Uld. The Goa’Uld want power and stuff because they infect humans with their parasite at the brain stem. They do nasty stuff to people who don’t listen to what they say or go with their creed. Sound familiar?

I got no responses at the hour I posted all this stuff. I wasn’t expecting a response. I still feel like now the extremist have invaded the US and now we are no longer safe. These parasites want power to kill people in anyway they can. I am frightened. I don’t need meds to calm me down or think differently. The parasites are aliens that have taken over these radical people. It can infect anyone. They play it cool and act “normal” so they are not detected. I should be suicidal at these men and women that have come to the US or are born here to destroy and terrorize this country. They are calling this the “largest massacre in the US”. That isn’t true. The largest massacre in the US was at Wounded Knee where around 300 Lakota men, women, and children were murdered. They were killed as a form of genocide. I need to get the book about the Wounded Knee because I think it’s important to learn American history. They weren’t killed by alien parasites. They were killed by US soldiers.

But getting back to the alien parasites that are all over the world now and doing bad things and killing a lot of people. I find it sad and disheartening that these aliens have been going on for so long now. I don’t think it’s going to end unless they are all killed dead. I will be sad to see them wiped out but it’s the only way for the people to survive.

depression and delusions

Been reading my blogs from a year ago and found that I was very depressed. I didn’t want to be in treatment. I didn’t want to take my medication anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. I felt like I was a bother to my psychiatrist and my therapist. Then things got more serious. I was in pain and that just sent me over the edge. I became suicidal. Now there was no way I couldn’t see my pdoc or therapist. They wanted to see me despite me telling me them it was a waste of their time. I must have read at least three blogs that said this.

It was after my book was published and I sunk into a deep depression. I don’t remember it now. I just have the blogs to monitor these things. I am glad I have this record because I don’t remember half of what I write. Some blogs were written in the evening. Some were after midnight. The ones written after midnight were more depressing than those written at an earlier time. But then, my moods always get worse after midnight, especially if I can’t sleep. I talk about Hyde in a few of the blogs but not all the time. Hyde is my suicidal alter that comes out when there is a perfect storm: I am in severe pain, deeply depressed, and want to end my life. He likes to write the most morose things. He will write suicide notes. He hasn’t been around much since July. I hope that he stays away.

There was another blog that I read that was “private” I had to throw it away because it was a description of me trying to end my life. I couldn’t justify keeping it so I “threw” it away.

I am in a lot of pain right now and I just realized I forgot to refill my bottle of pain meds that I keep by the bed side. I will have to get up and do so. My ankle is not going to like it but it needs to be done. Because if the pain gets worse and I have to walk the three feet to the bureau, that will be worse. I hate being in pain at night. It is awful. But hopefully my meds will kick in soon and I will fall asleep. I doubt that it will be soon. Foot is also acting up along with my ankle. It’s the trouble twos. I usually can’t rest when both my foot and ankle are flared up. I didn’t do anything. I think it is nerve pain because my toes are throbbing big time.

I read a lot of my blogs tonight. I didn’t notice any patterns or anything in my mood for the months I was depressed. And when I was depressed, the world stopped spinning. It was horrible to read the pain I was in and I don’t mean the physical pain. The mental pain of depression was awful. I don’t know how I got through those episodes without trying to kill myself. According to the blogs, I had extra sessions with my therapist. That must have been what got me through. I wrote that I fired her a few times in addition to cancelling my sessions that she refused to do. In one blog, I wrote that I had pain and she un-cancelled the session. I had to see her. All because my ankle was hurting me. She is a weirdo, but she is my weirdo.

I feel depressed right now because of my pain and that I can’t sleep. It’s after midnight. I feel like I should write. Writing tends to make me sleepy so I can actually sleep, even if it’s for a few hours. I am sure to wake up anywhere between 0400 and 0700 today.

As I have been writing about my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I have another story to regale. One night the nurse practitioner decided to give me a high dose of Neurontin with my other meds that I was taking. Mind you, I was still recovering from surgery so I still had some anesthesia in my system and I was on some powerful pain meds at the time. She gave me the Neurontin to try and ease the “nerve” pain I was having in my thigh that was weak. I have been on Neurontin before so didn’t think nothing of it. Until I started having delusions. I imagined I was in my bed at home and when the tubes fell into the nursing stations, I thought my mother had fallen out of bed. I couldn’t get up to see her but when I woke up from the noise, I realized I was in the hospital and went back to sleep. Soon after the nurse came in to wake me up as I had to go for an MRI to find out what was causing the weakness in my leg. She was to give me valium so I could be relaxed during the MRI and a pain med so I would be comfortable on my back for the hour. She didn’t know my mental status was impaired until I told her I had to call my mother and find out if she was okay. At 0230 in the morning, I called home to see if my mother was indeed ok. She was and told me to worry about myself. I realized I was dreaming and the nurses went on their way but I still wasn’t myself. The orderly wheeled me to the emergency department imaging center and I had a flashback of when I was first diagnosed with CES. I was stuck in this time. I had no idea what was going on. But I was too drugged to do anything about it. By the time they had me on the table for the MRI, I passed out. When I came to, two nurses were trying to catheterize me because I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in hours and my bladder was very full. They asked me if I knew where I was and I told them I was in the ER (I was actually back up in my room but it was still the middle of the night) and that I had CES again. I then passed out but not before hearing them say something like “he’s gone”. When I finally came to the next day, the nurse practitioner came into my room to talk to me. She said that I had a bad reaction to the Neurontin. I just looked at her and said, that wasn’t a dream? She told me no. I was floored. She was going to put me on another medication and that is when I stopped her. I told her to run it by my psychiatrist first before putting me on any more meds. My psychiatrist must have scolded her because she came back and said she wasn’t going to put me on anything else but to make me comfortable. Results of the MRI showed that I had a fragment on my L3 nerve root and would need surgery again. Oh fun! It would be my second in three days time.