Tag: depression

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.

My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.

I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.

Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.

PT wiped me out

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

PT wiped me out

I woke up around 0630 to pee and never went back to sleep. I didn’t take a nap in the afternoon. I just been going. I am running out of half and half so will need to go to the store tomorrow. I tried getting some at the pharmacy but it was expired by three days. I dropped some film after PT and got my meds that I needed.

PT had me working on two machines. I was tired afterwards. My back started cramping up so she gave me a tennis ball to work it out after she massaged it for me. She said it was so tight no wonder it hurts. She is thinking of dry needling it the next time she sees me. I wouldn’t mind that.

The Sox had a day game. My cousin kept texting me the score. We won 15-1 and swept the series. This is the 7th game in a row that we have won. This is the 51st game they have won this season. I am so happy for my team.

The uro NP got back to me today. She asked some questions and I answered then asked some more. She decided that she would answer them tomorrow when we meet. I wrote down my questions so I wouldn’t forget what I wrote her. I had already forgot what the questions were so I am glad I looked it up.

My foot and ankle are hurting. The humidity has gone up even though the temps are in the 70s right now. I already took a breakthrough med because my neck and back were hurting. I feel like shit with my neck and shoulder, back, ankle, and foot hurting me all at once, all different kinds of pain. Yay me. I am so tired. I am glad the Sox played a day game. I can go to bed early. Tomorrow starts the west coast games so I will be up late paying attention to those games.

making phone calls and being on hold

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Making phone calls and being on hold

I got my new SIM card for my phones and put them in. Unfortunately, I am unable to install the new voicemail feature and it said to call a number. I did and was put on hold. I also called my service provider to take a line off my account and was put on hold. Catheter company called just as therapy was ending so when I returned the call I was on hold. Doesn’t anyone get this lucky when making phone calls? I wouldn’t mind but the catheter company had piano music that was so depressing. I could only bear it for so long and then I hung up to call again. Finally got through to someone at my cell provider and turns out all I needed to do was update the app. I was with the tech for just a minute after spending 20 on hold.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we celebrated out in my backyard. I lasted a couple of hours before the heat got to me. I am so tired and because I was sitting, my ankle/foot is flared up. Going to be a while before it settles down before I am able to sleep. Veins are popping on my foot which isn’t a good sign. CRPS swells up really good. The Suicidal area on my ankle has flared up a few notches. My sister had me go downstairs to check on my mother. I wish I didn’t because now the pain is agony. Foot and ankle are screaming at me. And just like that I am in a suicidal spiral. The pain is causing me to feel so damn hopeless and I am trying to “ignore” it. I am trying to say it will pass and then I will be “fine”. But in this moment I wish I was dead. I just took my BT meds with Tylenol. Hopefully in an hour I will be feeling better.

I am listening to a song by Taylor Swift on repeat. I don’t know what it is about this song but I absolutely love it so much. The melody of the song just draws me in. As many times as I have heard this song I still do not know it word for word, yet. I am getting there with each repeat.

therapy was rough

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Therapy was rough

I had therapy this morning. I was surprisingly awake. We talked a good deal about our alliance and why it was so tough to talk to her at times. At the end of this month it will be two years that we have been seeing each other and I still have a wall between us. The wall is mostly me and my insecurities about our relationship. She is frustrated with me. Can’t say I blame her. I am glad she was honest with me about it.

We talked about how I was frustrated that I only see her for 45 mins a week. I’ve never had a therapist with so little time before. She said that she shouldn’t be the sole support as it isn’t fair to either of us. I agreed but I have in the past solely depended on my treatment team to support me. I told her I was working on a CBT workbook for suicidal thoughts and she said that if I worked at least a half hour with it and sent her proof, she would give me a second session. I asked her why she was doing this and she said because I am trying.

I had two cups of coffee today and I still needed a nap. I had such a headache after therapy. I took some Tylenol. I’ve had this headache since Friday. It goes away with the Tylenol but comes back when it wears off. I messaged my pcp about it to see if anything can be done. I don’t know if it is because of stress or what that is the cause of the headache. I have a busy week with appointments. I see uro the end of the week to try and get a handle on the urethral pain. I have been cathing more and that seems to be helping with decreasing the pain. I might be straining myself while peeing and that is causing me pain. I had an accident this morning. I dreamt I was peeing and woke up to find myself wet. Luckily I didn’t wet the bed. I washed up afterwards but I still needed a shower. It took me a while to get back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up when my med alarm went off. But I had to get up because therapy was in two hours and I wanted at least one cup of coffee in me.

I took a shower after therapy. Then I made another cup of coffee and tried to write something for my book but couldn’t. I didn’t know what to write. I got hit with brain fog after I finished the coffee and it was so hard to think. I tried napping but I still haven’t slept and I just feel so drained.

I worked on a chapter in my workbook and sent it to my therapist when I was finished. The book brought up some tough feelings and memories. I wrote it in pencil so that it would be easier to erase if I made a mistake while writing. I’ve gotten in the habit of using a pencil while writing now. I don’t know why. I still use a pen when I feel like it. I started using the pencil while taking notes on the MLB book that I am reading. I still need to find a comp book to write the notes in. I meant to look today and forgot. I did find my checkbooks so I call it even.