Tag: depression

Am I a writer?

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

I haven’t done much more than drink coffee and take a shower, which both seem to be an accomplishment given how I have been feeling lately. The weird mood has ceased and I am back to my depressed self. I am not thinking about harming myself but it is in the back of my mind. I am listening to the same country music songs over and over. It’s a compilation of artists that suit my fancy, from The Band Perry, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan and Blake Shelton to Daughtry, Goyte, and Rob Thomas.

I should be working on my introduction but have decided today is my Sabbath and I am not going to work, other than write my daily blog. I thought about doing some editing but I am just not up for it. I should make a table of contents. I might do that later.

I just can’t seem to get motivated today. I woke up in pain. I don’t know if I was sleeping wrong or my foot just decided it was time to get up, but it has been throbbing since eight this morning. I guess the pain meds that I took before bed wore off. But the pain didn’t deter me from taking a shower. And I rested after I took a shower because I am not going out today.

Thanks to a fellow blog reader, she found me the blog that I was looking for yesterday. I added it to the grief section of my book. I still have to come up with another three thousand words or more now. Just 3,000. Oh boy. I don’t know if I can do it. I know the ending is partly done as I am going to stick in the future blog in it with what I got already. Now I just have to work on the introduction and call it a book. I started the intro yesterday but didn’t get too far. Words were coming out like I was pulling teeth. I only wrote a page and a half and that took quite a bit of effort. I don’t know why words come easily to me at times and other times it so painful. I know when I am feeling content, I don’t write at all. It’s only when I am darkly depressed or slightly depressed that I can express myself. Reading Touched With Fire again is confirming this. Though I don’t really consider myself a writer, if only because I have not published anything formally. I know my therapist will bring up the paper and poem I had published when I was a teen but I don’t really count that as writing. Well, maybe. If I could find the book I am sure I could tell.

Thing is, I never wanted to become a writer. Sure when I was reading Star Trek: TNG books, I thought I could write one but it always seemed out of reach for me. I wanted to study medicine, to help other people. But when that went up in smoke, I just quit. I suffered and I managed a job that at times I hated for fourteen years. I wasn’t making big bucks working at the hospital. Decent money sure with benefits and all, but it didn’t make me happy. I did the work of three people and still managed to do it accurately. It makes me sad that I can no longer work at that job, least not when my foot is still the way it is. And because of my mental illness, I am not sure I can really hold a job again. I probably could hold a part-time job, but even that will take some doing. I know that I can’t work as a barista at Starbucks because there is too much standing and lifting. But I might be able to get away with it for a couple of days a week. But I don’t know if I want to go back to retail. I swore after my days of Somerville Lumber, I would NEVER go back. I couldn’t stand the bitchy customers who would argue over a nickel or penny difference. I so wanted to reach in my pocket and give them a dime, just so they would leave!

But when the time comes for me to look for work again, I hope that I am well enough.

a jumble of things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome

I was sleepy today. I stayed in bed most of the day to try and give my leg some rest. I am getting hungry even though I just had a small pizza and cherry pie. I guess because I didn’t eat much yesterday, it is catching up with me today. I really want to order a burger with avocado but I am holding off for now on that.

I tried writing my intro and I think I have it ok enough. I might look at it tomorrow and make changes. I want to have this book done by January so I can be ready for the editor when she is ready for it. I also took down the names of the chapters that I have so far. I have to type them up tonight. I have been busy and I have not had a cup of coffee. I probably should. Maybe it will dampen my appetite.

I tried to find the blog I wrote about grief but I think I forgot to tag it as such. And of course, I don’t remember what I called it. I know it is recent though. I will go through my blogs and see if I can find it. Another mission that requires coffee!

I am feeling really down. Not suicidal down, but down to the point where I don’t want to do anything but just sleep. I was up late last night playing my stupid game. I just realized that by me having multiple accounts, I am just playing against myself. How is that for fun! But there are only a few players that play consistently to give you stuff so it is hard getting all the stuff you are requesting. I know I am probably just rambling on here about the stupid game but it really annoys me.

I really don’t want to be here anymore, and I don’t mean in my room. I think the book is getting to me. It’s giving me anxiety that I never dealt with before and I don’t like it. I was writing the intro today and I had to stress I wasn’t a medical professional because I don’t want people to read this and think yea I got it and go by my suggestions on what to do. I don’t have any suggestions. I might post them on this blog but I will post a disclaimer just in case someone does something and they get injured by it. I have to do that because everyone loves to sue somebody in the US. I think it’s because of lawyers. I hate lawyers but they have to earn their living. I just don’t understand why it has to be at someone else’s expense. A Corporation I can see, but a person, that is going too far.

So I am going to order a California burger because I need meat and pray that it is not dried out and disgusting. I should order the Taza Chocolate with cinnamon but that might be going overboard.

And it was a good burger. HUGE but good. I didn’t finish it all. It was like having two whoppers! But I loved eating the avocado. I wish I would remember to buy them when I am in the store but I never do.

I still am feeling low. I am thinking once more of killing myself. I don’t think I will act on it. It’s just that the thoughts are there. Whenever I get low, that is my go to place. I can’t stand living like this. My ankle is starting to hurt. I am so full from that burger that my stomach hurts. I only had ¾’s of it. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Why do I have to live when I don’t want to? Why does society demand that this is not right thinking? I bet if they felt this pain they would want to die too. I know everyone’s pain is different but come on, I have been suffering enough.

dark clouds circling upon me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, psychache, suicide

I just got finished reading some more of Touched with Fire. I keep reading this book and wondering, is this me? Because the descriptions of the melancholy and the mixed states could be more like me than I have been letting on. I am not saying I need to be on more medication or anything but wow, I never thought I was truly bipolar until I read this book again.

I came across my favorite quote from Tolstoy, “I myself did not know what I wanted. I was afraid of life, I struggled to get rid of it, and yet I hoped for something from it”. I think that is going to be the first line of my book, if I can get it approved. I don’t know how to do that but I will figure it out.

Funny how I wrote a hopeful blog about seeing my future and now all I see are dark clouds circling me. I am tired. I am in pain. My foot is hurting me as if there is no tomorrow. I have taken my meds but they have not kicked in quite yet. I want to end my life because I just cannot go on this way. This heaviness in my chest must cease if I am to survive. I am sure that if I see my doctor he will tell me that I must lose weight. But it is not a visible weight that you can see that is on me. It is to the left of my sternum, under my ribs that I feel this pressure just above my heart. It stifles my lungs. I have to force air in and out to keep myself breathing otherwise I fear I will stop and suffocation is no way to die. It is a painful way to die. I don’t know when the heaviness began. It seems to have reared its ugly head when I was reading about my melancholy and my mixed states. Now I am flooded with emotion that no one else can feel. It is a powerful feeling to write when you feel you are dying. Maybe I have another diagnosis called hypochondria. But this weight is too much to bear. It bored down on you like a heaviness you just cannot explain. Its tightness wraps around your heart and tries to squish it. My whole left side feels weak. I am too tired to fight it. If it is going to kill me, let it be quickly. But maybe the heaviness is trying to stifle the thousand wounds that have been inflicted upon my heart. Either way it is very unbearable and despairing and frightening. I know it is not a sign of a heart attack because I would not be so lucky to die of that. I am not sweaty. I am not short of breath. I just have a 100 pound weight on my chest that no one can see. And I am afraid should it be long continued it will kill me.

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?