Tag: depression

A Blog About a Paper and Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Wrote a paper about suicide attempt survivor’s reaction after reading a research article about it. A friend wanted me to write about it but I am having a hard time because this research just justifies the fact that I should be dead by suicide yet I am not. This paper feeds into the feelings I have that I should not be living. My therapist also wants me to write this paper but from the perspective of what it means to be the exception and not the rule. Yet you cannot defy statistics. Statistically, I should be dead and that feeds my self destructiveness all the more.

Lately I have been thinking about my suicidal plan. It has been on my mind all week. The constriction – blinders – have begun to settle in on me. What does this mean? It means all that I am thinking about is ending my life. It is becoming my obsession. I am writing this on a notepad that I have had for a while now. In it there are two entries about how bad my life is with pain from LAST YEAR. There have been too many nights of pain. So despite the day being pain free, sort of, and my mood being slightly content, the night produces the midnight demons that are bringing me thoughts of self-destruction, of suicide.

Yet I feel that I am a hypocrite for belonging to an organization that is for understanding and preventing suicide. The premise is that if I learn about suicide and the more I learn, maybe it will decrease my urges. But everything that I learn goes out the window when the constriction is in high gear.

Like Mary Chapin Carpenter says, it don’t take much to be happy. But for me it’s like a hurdle. What makes me happy is having my Starbucks coffee at Starbucks, writing in my journal while there, and blog. The only problem is that this happiness doesn’t last. It doesn’t sustain me. Sometimes the feeling my therapist has for me makes me want to live because I know my death will bring her pain and sadness. That is not what I want to do. But I also don’t want to be trapped into living by bringing others joy just by me being alive. I can’t live just for others when I am suffering so much.

My therapist and I have been trying to get to the roots of my suicidality. Mostly what we came up with is that I felt like a burden to my family since I was eight. I started hearing voices when I was five. They have been my constant companion throughout my life. In addition, I was made a girl when I am a boy. That brought me great pain when I realized this. At age ten, I had my 1st suicide attempt – I tried to suffocate myself with a pillowcase. I just see life as pain and I so want to escape from that pain. No medication numbs it or relieves it and now that I am in physical pain, I feel like I am being punished for all the sins I ever committed. Despite asking for forgiveness, I am met with more pain.

Went to the Mary Chapin Carpenter concert last night. She was playing with Shawn Colvin. I didn’t like Shawn too much. All I heard from her was “blah, blah, blah”. I am still hyped from the concert, I’m blaring (softly as it is late) all of Mary Chapin’s albums.

When Mary Chapin played “the hard way” it was like she was telling me that I was on the right path but nothing comes easy. I listened to the concert with hope, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hoping MCC might change my mind but I realized I will let myself down if I don’t kill myself this year. It’s like what went on in 2005 when I planned everything but botched it up when I told my therapist (same one I have today). Now my therapist knows I have a date and that means it is going to be harder for me to go ahead with my plans. I don’t know why I feel I have to do this. I don’t. I can walk away from this and never go back but I will feel a form of defeat one feels when they break an internal promise to themselves.

I realized last night that part of the reason is because I don’t have confidence I’m always going to get my pain medication and that scares me. Because if I can’t get my pain pills, then I rather be dead. It’s not that I am saying I NEED the pills, I am saying that if my pain is not going to be taken seriously and treated with serious meds, I am going to kill myself. Because I cannot bear the thought of suffering and having pain flare up and not have anything to take. If Tylenol worked I would take it. If Ibuprofen worked, I wouldn’t need it. If ketoprofen helped, I wouldn’t need it. The only thing that helps is opioids.

So without my pain meds which have the affect of actually taking away some of my physical pain, I want to die. Yet I also want to die because I have chronic physical pain that makes me have to take pain medication. I guess I just feel that it’s not ok for me to get pain relief. I feel it is a hassle because I have to see my doctor every month and when the pain levels vary due to increase or decrease in activity for the month, I feel like I don’t deserve the meds. My doc gives them to me. He has never denied me my meds. Yet I fear that one day he will not for whatever reason. And that is the reason, well one of them anyways, why I feel I should be dead. I should just be dead. My pain cannot be cured. It cannot completely go away. I am sick of being in pain all the time. Sure the physical pain goes away with meds but the nerve pain does not. And that is what truly makes my life intolerable.

whine

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Feeling pretty low right now. I don’t really know why. I have been stuck in the house most of the day because my ankle has been hurting. The most I did today was order groceries. I debated going to the grocery store but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get as much stuff as I can online and I knew it would cost the same or more if I went. Guess it evens out.

I don’t know why I feel like crying. I just finished watching Hart of Dixie and I think Wade and Zoe are back together. I hope they are because they made such a good couple but who knows. I really like this show.

Been thinking about writing another paper but so far nothing has come to me about what I should write on. I know I should work on my book but I just don’t have the energy for that. Right now all I want to do is sleep. I am kind of dopey from the pain meds. I should take a shower to try and wake up but that would involve standing and I don’t want to stand too long on my sore ankle. I think part of the reason I am depressed is because it is nice out and I am stuck inside because I can’t go out because of pain. Even going up and down the stairs to my room is painful.

I am so tired of being in pain. I wish I could do something about it but there is nothing I can do except take pain meds. I really want to try and find a job but seeing as I can’t walk too long or stand too long, I really don’t know what kind of job I can do. I have worked in the lab for fourteen years and now I can’t do that anymore. I was hoping to go back to it at some point because the pay is good but I just can’t run around and walk all over the place like I used to.

I just want to do something today. I know I can go out but it will hurt me later tonight. It’s so frustrating. I just want to nap and I think that is what I am going to do…

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

May is National Mental Health Month by Presidential Proclamation. I know I should feel happy that steps are being made to make mental health issues more aware to people but at the same time, I can help but feel resentful that I cannot find a therapist within a five mile radius of my house because of the severity of my illness. When my therapist and I knew that I couldn’t see her anymore because distance was a factor, I tried finding another therapist. I didn’t try once or twice. I tried ten fricken times. The last therapist that I saw locally was at a mental health clinic I used to go to as a teen but he was too scared of me. He was too afraid I might kill myself so that made it difficult for me to trust him. How could I work with some one that was scared of me? I am sure my current therapist gets scared when I tell her I am suicidal. Her anxiety goes up because she like to talk stupid things. I get that me being suicidal is not easy for mental health clinicians. It’s a clinician’s worse nightmare to hear that their client is suicidal or thinking about ending their life. But I know there are going to be a lot of people who have had past attempted suicides that are going to be in the same boat I am. No one wants to deal with this population. It is a crying shame. And no wonder Suicide is a leading killer of the United States.

In addition to me having mental health issues, I also have physical issues that prevent me from walking long distances. It makes me crazy that I have this problem and my mental health team does so much to help me deal with it. I was once working two jobs, but that proved to be too much for me and now I am collecting social security benefits and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job again. I don’t know. I really want to go back to school but I cannot afford it financially. I have defaulted on my student loans so there is no hope of me ever going back to school on my income. I know it is my fault and it pains me so severely that I want to kill myself because I know I have wrecked whatever credit I ever had. It physically and emotionally hurts knowing that my credit is fucked. I can never own another credit card for as a long as I live and I cannot begin to think of what lies ahead. I always hear that some jobs require a credit history check. If that is the case for me, I know I will not be able to get back to work.
I hate the idea of not being able to support myself. I know that I have made mistakes in my life and if I could do it over again, I would not make the same one. I would be further along in my degree and I would be on my way of being the kind of therapist I want to be. I know that there will always be risks with working with suicidal clients. I know because I am one of them. But mental health awareness campaigns do help screen for depression. But it doesn’t help those that want to kill themselves. Very rarely do you see the question on questionnaires, do you or have you thought of killing yourself in the past week.

So I wonder now that May is mental health awareness month, will I be able to find a therapist within a five mile radius from my house?

post 290

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Today I woke up in less pain than I was in last night. Last night was just horrible. I couldn’t sleep with the covers on, then I got cold so had to put the covers on. My foot was on fire the entire time, like it is now but not with the same intensity. I prayed last night that God would take me. I just couldn’t stand another minute in pain and if he didn’t take me then I would take matters in my own hands. Luckily the pain is not as bad as it was.

I hate hurting all the time. I know that I write a lot about it on my blogs but it is the only way that I can express myself, even if I don’t get a reply or a like. I had close to fifty views yesterday. I am almost up to 7300. I know that is a lot of people. I feel humbled that people read my pain and what I go through. I know there are days I don’t write about pain but instead I’ll write about baseball or something else, coffee for instance. I am not a huge coffee drinker, I just have my one cup a day. That holds me. Sometimes I will have two, depending on the day.

Today I am supposed to vote for the US Senate. I am wondering how I am going to get there as I cannot walk. I have to take it easy today or the consequences will be huge. I know it’s my civic duty to vote but how can I when I don’t have a car. I doubt I will be able to get a ride. My cousins can be lazy when I want to go some where. If I didn’t resprain my ankle, I would have take a long way to get there. I would have to take the 89 bus to go to Powderhouse Square, wait for the 80 bus, get off on Sycamore, walk to the school a block away, and then vote. Then take the same route back. The 80 bus runs like every hour so I would be waiting a long time for it and the 89 runs every half hour so I wouldn’t wait too long unless I miss the bus. That where it gets tricky. You miss the bus you are screwed.

I have to start setting a schedule for myself. To be up at a certain hour and then go out for a couple of hours would be a huge accomplishment but with my ankle, I know there will be days when I just want to stay in the house because of pain. I like going out and getting my coffee at Starbucks. It gives me something to do. It’s not sociable. Because I don’t really talk with anyone there. There was a barista that I talked to but he no longer works there anymore. Then there was this cute new person but she wasn’t on yesterday. I hope she didn’t quit. It would be nice to talk with her if I can.

Pain meds are kicking in. I decided to take one so that I can be covered should I go out today. But I don’t think I am going to go out. I can’t risk another flare up of pain. I want to take a shower today but it also depends on if I can stand long enough to do it. I also wanted to wash the shower but I don’t think I will be doing that today. I even figured it out without having to go on my hands and knees. But I will leave that for another day.

I have an hour and a half before my appointment with my therapist and she is going to get an earful of my complaints about her. I feel like she feels the need to talk just so that I don’t talk. And I know that this will only be one session where she will shut up and the next will be yakkity yak again. Even when we are talking face to face she does the same thing. Half the time I don’t even pay attention to what she is saying because it is so far fetched. And she always bitches about how my life is like I don’t already know! I can say I want to eat pancakes and she will go on about how good they are and that I finally have something good to eat. Blah blah blah. Who the hell cares that I ate pancakes. I want to talk with her about how I am feeling about everything but I don’t think she will shut up long enough for me to talk. It really bugs me that a therapist talks more than the client. She drives me crazy. Hopefully today she will be more receptive to listening to me after I read her the letter I wrote her yesterday.

Been listening to my favorite bands/artists for the past hour. I need some music to calm me down. I thought I would be able to take a nap but that didn’t happen. My prescription is ready at my pharmacy. I guess I will pick it up tomorrow unless I can con my niece to later tonight. If I remember. It’s my anti-inflammatory med. Man I am on so many meds. I remember when I was just taking one or two for my depression. Now I am on three times that amount, sometimes more depending on how bad my day is. I don’t like being on meds but it is a necessity. I have to be on meds for my depression or I end up in the hospital. And right now, the combination I am on is helping me to avoid just that. I might not be 100% depression free but it’s helping me feel less suicidal. I might feel less suicidal but that doesn’t mean that I have stopped thinking about it. Last night I swore to myself that if the pain wasn’t gone, I would do something.