Tag: disability

I just don’t know anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicidality

I just don’t know anymore

I have been in pain for more than 24 hrs now so if this is a little squirrely, that is why. I just cannot take the pain anymore. It is driving me absolutely insane. I spent the last hour or so writing in my journal things that shouldn’t be mentioned in the blog (stuff my therapist wanted me to write). I felt so ashamed afterwards. I was stuck with images in my head of the events that happened to me. I just want to be dead again. I know it has been at least a month since I last felt this way. Certainly was around the time of Robin Williams’s death. I felt like it was my turn. Well, dammit, why the hell not? I am so sick of being in pain.

I have tried to control my pain but my meds seem to be ineffective. I think I might have to take the stronger meds to break the cycle. But I don’t want to because the last time I took that drug, Jekyll appeared. I am wicked tired and all I want to do is sleep and I know that if I take this drug, chances are that Jekyll will come out. And god only knows what he will write. I find it odd that I have two “alters” and they are both male.

I didn’t take a shower today. I got a migraine and then things kind of went downhill after that. My pain worsened to what it is now. It is throbbing like a SOB and stabbing at the same time. It hurts right at the joint where my foot and ankle bone meet. That area is the most painful right now. I just want relief. I have contemplated taking the handful of pain pills that I have left. It will really suck if I take them because then I will have NOTHING. I know I am going to run out of my meds before the 28th of this month. My doc is supposed to write a 28 day supply but he wrote it for 30 days. Big help, not! I don’t know why I told him I needed less pills. But then, things were going well and I wasn’t in pain as much. The past few months have been awful and I keep meaning to tell him I need more pills because it just isn’t enough but I keep forgetting. Plus I am scared that he will say no. I doubt it, but you never know. I bet if my pain were under control, my blood pressure would be too.

I keep fighting sleep. I know that if I go to bed now, chances are good that I will wake up around midnight or 1 or 2 in the morning. I took my meds so I don’t have to get up again but I might have to go to the bathroom. I drank a lot of water at dinner because I am dehydrated. I didn’t eat too much, just had breaded cauliflower for dinner. I wasn’t that hungry. Which is good because I feel bloated.

My mother just struggled to get up the stairs. Her life would be so much better if she would take something consistently for her pain. But nope. Won’t even take a damn aspirin. Pisses me off because she always complains she is in pain. I refuse to give her sympathy because I know there are meds out there she can take but she won’t so there.

I have the ceiling fan on despite it being cool outside. I have been having hot flashes for most of the day. It is only about 70 degrees in my room so I don’t know why I have to put the fan on but I am hot and I hate being hot. I think it is because of the damn pain I am in. 24 hours. I didn’t even do too much yesterday so I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. But I guess walking is my downfall. And my sister thinks I will be able to walk a dog. Please. I can barely get to where I need to go without hurting myself and you want me to take care of an animal?? NO. Not happening. Get a cat. I will clean the litter box twice a day. That I can do!

I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. It’s not like I did anything today. I didn’t go up and down the stairs too much, but maybe I did. I never know what is minimal and what is a lot. My body doesn’t bother to tell me until it has surpassed its limit and then tells me the next day or later that night when I want to fucking sleep. It is terrible. Normal ankle movement should not bring you such pain!!!

The only thing keeping me sane right now is listening to music. I need that muse in my head because without it, I think I might do something drastic.

Day started off good…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Day started off good…

Well, my day started off good. I met a friend this morning for coffee and we chatted until her train came around 1115. It was so good talking to her in person. She is someone that I have known via email for years and we don’t get to see one another, in person, that often.

As my father is almost a week late for his blood draw, I decided to take him today, thinking we would be in and out. Wrong. We were there almost a half hour and I hadn’t eaten anything all day so I was getting grumpy. The grumps got worse as I hit every single red light on from the health care center to my house. Then the bastard decides he wants to go home after staying a half hour. I am like WTF. I could have taken him home and be done with him, but noooooo. He wanted to see my sister. I am so annoyed.

My therapist hasn’t texted me with an opening today so I am guessing I won’t have a chat with her. It would have been nice given the level of aggravation I am feeling right now. Plus, a fire alarm is beeping because it needs a new battery is making me more annoyed than I should be. We just changed them this year so I don’t know why the hell it is beeping, other than the fact my mother buys cheap batteries. I had something to eat as soon as I came home because I felt dizzy. All I had prior was my mocha and some cross buns. I couldn’t finish the cross bun because it was so dry and I didn’t have anything to drink with it. So I ate half and went to pick up dear old dad. I am such an idiot.

My friend and I talked about whether or not I am gay. I still call myself gay even though I have come out as being transgender because I like women. I don’t think I can call myself straight just yet. It is confusing me. Something to talk to my therapist about next week. I was supposed to see my pdoc tomorrow but she canceled on me. Had to reschedule because she won’t be in the office tomorrow at all. Nice. So I have a day of rest. I should just go to the post office to mail my book out to my editor. I was supposed to do that last week but things just kept popping up. It’s all packaged and ready to go, I just have to go to the post office to pay for shipping charges and I am done. I thought about doing it today but didn’t think I would be able to walk after my meeting with my friend. It turned out to be a good decision (though in hindsight, maybe I should have gone to the PO and avoided my father entirely). My ankle started acting up by the time I got home to get my sister’s car. I should have had something to eat then, but I wasn’t hungry. Oh well. My mother is making soup for supper. I hope the dizziness goes away by then.

I thought my blood pressure might be low because all I took today were my blood pressure meds. Nope, I am still pre-hypertensive. Probably because I had a bad day on the road. I was behind every moron in my state, they didn’t know where they were going. Some turned their left blinkers on and went right instead. I am like WTF. I swore the whole time I was in the car while singing to country music. That annoyed my father. Good!

I hate being in pain and not being able to take my pain meds. But I was driving and can’t risk being under the influence while driving, though with my blood sugar being low, I don’t think that was good either. Oh well. I was careful. I am home now and not going out again so I can safely take my meds. I shut my phone off because it was annoying me too. I kept on getting text messages every few minutes from the T, my public transportation system. It was telling me of delays. Well, that is good but I wasn’t using the system today, other than the morning. I really don’t care that the buses and trains are late now that I am home for the evening. I have a headache, that I am hoping will go away on its own. I am out of my headache pills but I know once I have something solid to eat, it most likely will go away. My stupid father had to hit me on the head, saying there was a mosquito in the waiting area of the lab. Yeah, right. Did I mention how much I can’t stand my father?? If I get possessed to take him somewhere again, please shoot me or knock me on my head or something!

two shots of gin

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

Two shots of gin

The bottle of Beefeater gin was staring at me all day. So I had a few shots. I know it wasn’t the smartest thing I have done but since I left the hospital, I have been thirsty for an adult beverage. Today my pain isn’t bad, so I don’t have to worry about mixing the alcohol with my pain meds.

I did something good today. I walked 1.2 miles. The first time I ever walked that distance. I am pretty sore but I will be resting tomorrow. My foot wanted to turn the more fatigued I got so it is hurting and feels like I have a blister forming. I don’t know. There is nothing there right now but might be there in the morning. My foot is also swollen so I really have to be off my feet for the next 24 hours. I then found out that the temp today was 90 degrees. No wonder I was a sweaty mess. I didn’t think it was that hot but damn, what a stupid thing I did. Oh well.

I got my editing done on the short story piece that I am working on for my next book. My book is now 50% done. I just need to edit a few blog entries and it will be ready for publication soon. I was on a writer’s website today and they said that short story collections don’t sell well. I was bummed but I am going to put one out just the same. It can’t do worse than my book. It is going to be a risk, but I think this time, I am going to market my book better than my first one. If it doesn’t sell, I will pull it.

I also took a chance on the same writing website by trying to get an agent. I sent a query, which I have never done before. I will know in 1-4 weeks if she will accept my book. If I get a different publisher, it will be great. Maybe I will also get more publicity for my book, which will mean more sales, hopefully. I told my writing partner but haven’t heard anything back from her yet.

Other than being exhausted from my little hike I took today, I am feeling okay. My foot is hurting but that is my normal pain. I am nervous about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It is all about the transgender piece that I wrote. She might go off and I will have to hear her rant all session about how I should go to the next step in my transition. That will be painful. And once she starts, it is so damn hard to shut her up. I might be able to change the subject, if I am able to get a word in edge wise. I just want her opinion on the article and see what she thinks about it. I don’t want to talk more about it than that. Maybe she will cancel on me…

I have been listening to the radio most of the day today. I can’t tell you how many times they play the same songs every four hours. I don’t listen to repeats on my MP3 player so even though listening to new country music was refreshing, listening to my favorite songs that I had on mp3 more than once was killing the song. I have listened to the songs over and over so I know every word to the song but usually I like to listen to the song once a day and that is all. I get my fix. If I want to hear it again because it is stuck in my head, that is a different story. I think the radio kills so many good songs because they just play them over and over again. Pisses me off. I finally shut the radio off just now because they were playing “banjo” by Rascal Flatts. I can’t stand that song! It just annoys me. Nothing to do with them playing the song over and over again, it is just that I like ballads from the Flatts boys.

I couldn’t remember if I took my blood pressure medication this morning or not. This morning was kind of rough. I woke up around 0630 due to a bad dream. I had taken a bunch of Neurontin to quiet the nerve pain that I have been feeling all day yesterday so I was kind of out of it when I woke up. It took a cup of coffee and some breakfast to get my brain back in working order. I think I took them before making breakfast but I am not sure. I would count the pills but I mixed my old script with the new one so I really don’t have a correct pill count. So if I missed taking them this morning, oops. I hate taking pills in the morning. I really like to take them around noon when I am somewhat more awake. But I am still sort of on hospital schedule for meds. I am trying to break out of it but I keep failing at it. Because of my sleep difficulties, I have been trying to go to sleep later but take my meds around 8 PM. Doesn’t always work out that way but I try. This way I am asleep, hopefully by 9 or 10 PM. Only trouble with this line of reasoning is that I wake up around midnight or one in the morning. Fucking sucks. That is what happened last night. I woke up at one because of a stupid crazy dream and decided to take Neurontin to get back to sleep. I was expecting to sleep most of the day but I woke up instead at 0630 due to another crazy ass dream. And I can’t even recall it now. I wrote down the other dream in my journal as I wrote before the meds knocked me out. So because I didn’t sleep more than eight hours, I was kind of foggy this morning. No, I didn’t take the meds to harm myself. I have taken large doses of Neurontin before so I know the drug well. Only side effect other than being foggy is an appetite of a horse. Though my appetite has been okay for the most part today. I will probably get the hungry horrors tomorrow.

Friday Ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression

So I just got my delivery of groceries for the month. Every time I place an order, my mother always has something negative to say as if she spent the money for an item. I didn’t get that many things. Just water and my powerade, which was probably the most expensive thing I bought as I buy 20 at a time, sometimes 25. I do this because I have a back problem and can’t carry these items up two flights of stairs. So I have Peapod do half the work for me. The water (bought two cases and two gallons so I can make my iced tea) I leave on the living floor so that saves me a trip. I also bought my half and half, which my mother doesn’t use. The food I buy should last me a few weeks. I mostly bought cereal as I use more of it than my mother does.

Today I didn’t leave the house for anything. My foot has been feeling awful and I didn’t want the chance of pain tonight so just stayed in my room most of the day. Except for when I was having something to eat. I also watched two episodes of Rizzoli and Isles, my favorite TV show. I thought about watching a third show (I have them saved on Tivo) but I got bored. I have a lot of shows to catch up on but I just don’t have the brain power to watch TV all day like my mother.

I have to harvest my game but I lost interest in playing. I don’t know why I continue to play when no one gives me the stuff I need to complete the missions. I usually play if I am killing time for my therapy appt or something. But even the news feed on FB doesn’t have the stuff I need. I feel so out of it when I came home from the hospital because there were items my neighbors were asking for and I had no idea what mission they were playing for. It is so frustrating so I lose interest.

I worked on the transgender piece today. It was very difficult to do. I think it’s the most emotional piece I have written since my book. But something like this is personal. I came close to coming out to my mother this morning with it. I don’t know what came over me, but I just felt like saying to her, “ma, I am a male”. I don’t think that would have flown over very well, but at least I would have said it! It would be out there. Whether or not she took a nice response to it, is another story.

My best friend from childhood’s birthday is this weekend. I was going to mail him a card but I think I will call him instead. It’s the same day as my cousin’s so I never forget. He always forgets mine, always has but that is ok.

I feel really drained today. I slept fairly well, even though I woke up again at 0430. I stayed up for about an hour or so then went back to sleep. I was in pain so I took my pain meds and was quickly back to sleep. I didn’t play on the computer or write because sometimes that really wakes me up and I can’t go back to sleep. But I didn’t do that so I went back to sleep about an hour later and slept until almost around noon. I didn’t drink coffee today. Sadly, this is the first month that I can’t afford my Starbucks funds. I have around 4 bucks left in my account and that is it. I don’t know what I am going to do. I have $40 cash but that has to last me for the month. It is so hard living off disability. I still am waiting for the 3rd deposit for my book sales. I know it won’t be much but maybe I can squeeze in a Starbucks drink or two during the month.

I need a job…