Tag: disability

PTSD and of course CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

I took a break from writing today. I got overwhelmed with my book and decided today I was just going to do nothing about it. Actually, other than eating, I haven’t done anything today. It was icy today so I didn’t want to venture out. I texted my therapist last night and just about a half hour ago to try and get her to call me. I am feeling stressed out about the flashbacks I have been feeling since my writing yesterday. The pain in my ankle and it going to sleep on me hasn’t helped. When I first was diagnosed with Cauda Equina, that was the first symptoms. I had numbness in my leg from midshin down to my toes. And OH MY GOD the pain I felt if I put any pressure or weight on my leg if I tried to walk on it. I had forgotten these details until I wrote that stupid introductory paragraph.

I am kind of pissed off that my therapist hasn’t responded to my text. Usually she writes back if something will open up. I hope that she will call me. I just need her reassurance that I am not losing it. This book is taking a lot out of me than I ever dreamed about because it is so personal. I know I have posted a few blogs that dealt with the details of my injury, the bowel and bladder problems, etc. I am in chronic PTSD model anyways and throw in a lousy couple of memories and BOOM, Flashback City! I know I am seeing her tomorrow. But it would be nice to talk to her after the long weekend away from her I had. And we didn’t have a chance to talk on Thursday.

I have been sleeping on and off most of the day. It’s been too cold to leave the comfort of my bed, except for eating. I didn’t even make myself a cup of tea. I might make a cup later. I just feel so cold and my ankle isn’t helping because it is cold all the time. Like now. I swear I just want to amputate the thing so I can go on living a somewhat better life. Granted I would need a prosthetic but at least I won’t have pain. Or if I do, I will know the reason for it. My ankle hurts for no reason and it is all because of nerve damage. I don’t know if it is new or old. My neurologist doesn’t think getting an EMG will be useful at this point. I have to agree. There is no way to tease out the old from the new.

a loss you can’t recover from

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

I got a lot done today, thanks to my mother waking me up before nine this morning. I finished my editing and worked on my introduction. I also helped her put up the Christmas tree. My sister is going to help her put the lights on later because I suck at that.

I am getting a little worried about how my intro is going. I started writing about my illnesses and then starting talking about my CES injury and where I was at with that. Then I felt like it was TMI for the intro. It also was filling me up with grief so I had to take a break. I then emailed my support group and asked if that was ok to put. I just don’t know how much of the CES I want to put out there. I know I should probably put it in one of the chapters that does deal with CES. Maybe I will write it out and then cut and paste it there as sort of where I am today section.

I got pretty overwhelmed with emotion and PTSD symptoms. I just couldn’t handle the anxiety of what I was writing. And I couldn’t believe what my life has been reduced to. It is a loss that I can’t recover from and I don’t know if I ever will recover from. That what sucks with CES. You might recover but it takes months or years even. As far as my ankle goes, I don’t think there will ever be a recovery. I don’t know if it will get worse, only time will tell. Until then I just try not to use it as much as possible because it gets angry when I use it. I know it shouldn’t do this. You should be able to use your ankle the way you are supposed to at anytime. But for some reason with my left ankle, the more I use it, the more pain I get from it. Like today, I went up and down the stairs I don’t know how many times. I went to my sister’s apartment on the first floor for coffee, then went back up to my room. After I finished my coffee I went downstairs to rinse the cup off. Then went back up to my room. I did this repeatedly most of the day today. My sister needed some help cooking some chicken wings so I had to go back to her apartment (she lives on the first floor while I live on the second). I must have made at least a half dozen trips. And I know come eight o’clock tonight or soon after I am going to be hit with pain. I sort of prepared this time. I took some pain meds a little while ago to prevent pain from happening. Sometimes this works and I hope this time it does. I don’t want pain that I had last night. I had zaps going through my toes that were wicked painful.

I still am tempted to call my therapist tomorrow to chat. I just have been going through a lot of pain that is driving me whacky the past few days. I don’t feel like doing anything, other than cutting my ankle off. But I don’t have any big power tools to get the job done. I told my sister I want a chainsaw for Christmas, but I don’t think she took me seriously. I often wonder if I could really do such a thing. I know it will make a mess. All I keep picturing is the scene from Scarface when the guy dismembers the other guy with a chainsaw in the bathroom of the motel room. Not a pretty picture.

I am lazy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Bitch rant

I have to complain about my game that I play consistently, on a daily basis, a few times a day. I love that this game gives you missions to complete but now they are getting ridiculous! For even the missions have missions. And you need the help of your neighbors to complete them or you might as well kiss the mission goodbye. I have opened other Facebook accounts just to play this game and then I realized the other day that I am just playing against myself! But unless you have a “neighbor” to give you all that you need every day, there is no other way to win the game/mission. Unless you spend money on the game for horseshoes. I used to do that when I was working. Now I pick and choose when to get horseshoes. I know none of this is making sense because I don’t think anyone plays Pioneer Trail on Facebook but if you do, don’t start. I have a lower level account and finished ONE stinking mission and got NINE, 9!!! In its place!!!

Talked with my therapist today. Though I don’t know if you want to call it really talking. She was quiet today. So I was too. Weird how that worked out because usually she is excessively talking about something. We talked about the transgender issues again and she pulled a name out of a hat, another doctor for me to see. I told her she doesn’t get that I don’t want to see any more doctors. I am DONE seeing doctors. The only one that I want to see if my primary care doctor and that is it. I don’t want to see any of his colleagues either. Unless I develop another fricken problem, I am not seeing another doctor. I know this doctor is different and will help with the transgender stuff. But there is a chance she could be another bitch that refuses to listen to me and then where will I be? What if she deems me too suicidal and decides that treatment for transgender is just too much for me. I can’t go through that type of rejection. It will kill me.

We also talked about the consultant. I wanted her to have him as a support and she only wanted to hear that I will see him again. Well I can’t because I can’t afford him, not with my insurance. I hate my insurance but I have to make do with it. But I can’t see an out of network doctor and this consultant is that.

I don’t remember what else we talked about. I really wasn’t in the mood for talking. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I have the same time appointment tomorrow to talk with her. Yay…not.

I didn’t work on my book today. I felt like crap too much to do much of anything. I didn’t even make myself coffee. I should start psyching myself up now to maybe leave the house tomorrow and get coffee. I knew that having Keurig cups was going to be the death of me. Why should I leave the house when I have coffee at home. And I have two different flavors of Starbucks coffee. I have the house blend and my Pike’s coffee. Both are sooooo good. But I need to get out of the house. I have been in since Saturday, maybe? I don’t even know the last time I left the house, oh dear. That should tell you something…And tomorrow is Wednesday. So almost three days in the house. I don’t think I have showered since Sunday.

And to make the day worse, my favorite catcher for the Red Sox is now going to a National team, the Marlins. Great. Now I got to deal with the likes of a guy’s name I can’t even begin to spell. You say it Perninski, but there is a z and J in there somewhere. I have to look it up and I am too lazy.

Am I a writer?

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

I haven’t done much more than drink coffee and take a shower, which both seem to be an accomplishment given how I have been feeling lately. The weird mood has ceased and I am back to my depressed self. I am not thinking about harming myself but it is in the back of my mind. I am listening to the same country music songs over and over. It’s a compilation of artists that suit my fancy, from The Band Perry, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan and Blake Shelton to Daughtry, Goyte, and Rob Thomas.

I should be working on my introduction but have decided today is my Sabbath and I am not going to work, other than write my daily blog. I thought about doing some editing but I am just not up for it. I should make a table of contents. I might do that later.

I just can’t seem to get motivated today. I woke up in pain. I don’t know if I was sleeping wrong or my foot just decided it was time to get up, but it has been throbbing since eight this morning. I guess the pain meds that I took before bed wore off. But the pain didn’t deter me from taking a shower. And I rested after I took a shower because I am not going out today.

Thanks to a fellow blog reader, she found me the blog that I was looking for yesterday. I added it to the grief section of my book. I still have to come up with another three thousand words or more now. Just 3,000. Oh boy. I don’t know if I can do it. I know the ending is partly done as I am going to stick in the future blog in it with what I got already. Now I just have to work on the introduction and call it a book. I started the intro yesterday but didn’t get too far. Words were coming out like I was pulling teeth. I only wrote a page and a half and that took quite a bit of effort. I don’t know why words come easily to me at times and other times it so painful. I know when I am feeling content, I don’t write at all. It’s only when I am darkly depressed or slightly depressed that I can express myself. Reading Touched With Fire again is confirming this. Though I don’t really consider myself a writer, if only because I have not published anything formally. I know my therapist will bring up the paper and poem I had published when I was a teen but I don’t really count that as writing. Well, maybe. If I could find the book I am sure I could tell.

Thing is, I never wanted to become a writer. Sure when I was reading Star Trek: TNG books, I thought I could write one but it always seemed out of reach for me. I wanted to study medicine, to help other people. But when that went up in smoke, I just quit. I suffered and I managed a job that at times I hated for fourteen years. I wasn’t making big bucks working at the hospital. Decent money sure with benefits and all, but it didn’t make me happy. I did the work of three people and still managed to do it accurately. It makes me sad that I can no longer work at that job, least not when my foot is still the way it is. And because of my mental illness, I am not sure I can really hold a job again. I probably could hold a part-time job, but even that will take some doing. I know that I can’t work as a barista at Starbucks because there is too much standing and lifting. But I might be able to get away with it for a couple of days a week. But I don’t know if I want to go back to retail. I swore after my days of Somerville Lumber, I would NEVER go back. I couldn’t stand the bitchy customers who would argue over a nickel or penny difference. I so wanted to reach in my pocket and give them a dime, just so they would leave!

But when the time comes for me to look for work again, I hope that I am well enough.