Tag: disability

Shouldn’t have gone out today

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, suicide attempt

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.

nerve pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, suicide

I woke up this morning and it felt like my little toe on my nerve damaged foot was cutting into my other toe next to it. It was really hurting but I just cut the nail so I knew it couldn’t be the cause. I was feeling kind of crummy and decided to shave my goatie off as it was annoying me and then take a shower. Whatever was causing my toe to hurt, was worse when my foot hit the water. As much as the shower felt good to the rest of my body, my toe hates me now. I asked my mother to look at the toe as I can’t bend down to see it nor have the agility to look at the stupid thing thanks to four back surgeries. She said that it looks like I have a blister forming or a corn. Great. Now I just have to wait and see what forms and what kind of pain I will be in over the next couple of days.

I hate having nerve damage. My toes are extremely sensitive because of the after effects due to Cauda Equina Syndrome. I got this syndrome more than ten years ago and I am still dealing with it. I hate waking up in pain or staying up in pain almost every single night. The doctors have nothing to do for me. I just take pain meds and hope for the best.

I really am tired of dealing with the nerve pain. Everything intensifies when I try to touch my toes. Cutting my toenails are the worse. I have to wait till the nerve pain is down to a minimum in order to get a hold of my foot to do the deed.

This leaves me very depressed. I miss my old self where I could do the things normal people take for granted. Like taking a long hot shower, taking a long walk, or just standing for more than ten minutes. I have since my original diagnosis have another painful diagnosis of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is fun (said with severe sarcasm). My toes and foot become as cold as ice and then when they warm up, I am in such severe pain all I can do is think about death.
Not only is physical pain exhausting it drags you down mentally. You feel like you are a loser because you can no longer do the things you once were able to do.

I hope my pain is not going to be exhausting tonight. I am hoping to catch a nap now as I am overcome with exhaustion just from taking a shower. I hate when that happens.

having a crappy crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

this is one of the few times I am not using word to type my blog before posting so if there are huge errors for the grammar police, I am sorry.

I have not done a single thing today. I was in bed for almost all of today. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I need a shower. I need to brush my teeth, but I just can’t do any of that. I am just so depressed. I got it in my head that I don’t need therapy anymore and I have been trying to “sell” it to my therapist who is far from buying it. I successfully cancelled my appointment with her for tomorrow only for her to uncancel it because I have suicidal thoughts. I thought up a beautiful plan while I was in bed, in agony. My foo/ankle has been bothering me since the night before and other than cutting it off with a sawzall, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I have been taking my pain medication around the clock and still have had no relief. So I started taking ativan too around the clock to try and make me chill. It has but I have not passed out like I was hoping to.

I am just sick of being in pain. No one knows because other than the four walls I trap myself in, no one else is around me that cares or listens to what I say. They still want me to go to the “top” doctor at this “top hospital” but I refuse because I am tired of seeing doctors. I am tired of them telling me (in an unspeaking code of course) you are fucked and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you. But I don’t care go back to your primary so he can load you up on pain meds and don’t come back to my office because I have nothing to offer you. Physically, there is nothing wrong with my ankle, foot, or leg. They just hurt for some reason unknown to any of the 20 or so doctors I have seen. I might be exaggerating a little but I have seen close to twenty, in all specialties, from neurologists, neurosurgeons, podiatrists, physiatrists, orthopedists, you name it. All tell me nothing is wrong and that three have said that I have complex regional pain syndrome. Which to me is a vague for saying I don’t fucking know but we’ll call it this. There is no real treatment for this condition. Physical therapy won’t help. acupuncture won’t help. so I am just stuck living with this fucking painful diagnosis.

So that is why today around 5 pm, I started thinking about taking my life and shared those thoughts with my therapist hoping she would give me the ok to go ahead with it. NOPE. I got a session out of it and I am not happy about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I am done talking. all the words in the dictionary have been used up over our 13 year relationship. and a few more words that we make up and swear about. Today in the text message she actually swore and told me “fuck that shit.” it was in relation to me telling her we had no session but she didn’t want to hear about it.

I am tired of living. I have a friend in South Africa that is terrified of losing me because he reads these awful blogs I write. but they are my escape. I feel better writing them than I do actually acting on my feelings for killing myself. I know what I write is horrible. Now one wants to read it, well go to another “happy blog”. this is what it is like living with suicidal thoughts and if you don’t like it too bad. I don’t write things that are hopeful because I am not a hopeful person. Things sucks in my life and I have no control over it but what I do have control over is writing about how I feel. So if you don’t like it, there is the door. Don’t let it hit you on your way out. I am tired of trying to keep these feeling inside all the time. It wears me out physically and mentally. I know a fellow blogger friend is in the throws of this horrendous condition we call like and would gladly take it away in a heartbeat. I feel bad for her because I can’t really help her. I can listen to her and I guess that helps. I hope it helps. I just wish there was something more I could do to really help her have better days. But we have each other to get us out of the darkness and it is helping. It is nice to help someone going through the same shit that you are going through.

I recently declared on Facebook that I am not going to be on it much anymore. I am tired of the stupid photos that say share this if you lost someone in heaven, or the ones that show puppy mills or beat up dogs half starved to death. I hate seeing that shit. Yes I lost someone in heaven but I don’t need a candle every day to remind me of that loss. I want to unfriend all those idiots about dogs and cats being tortured. but then I will get the “why did you delete me” and I want to tell them, because you are a fucking idiot that is why!! I have a friend that posts stupid jokes all the time and lately she just has been royally pissing me off so she is going to be the first to go. I can’t take stupidity in an agitated state. I just can’t.

Think I will be going back under my warm blankets to try an escape the world…

can’t kill myself

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Listened to the Counting Crows today because I was in that kind of mood. Love their song Blue Buildings. The lyrics of keeping yourself away from yourself is so true today. I am in a bad mood despite seeing my pdoc today. We talked about the Sox mostly but also about how crippling my depression and pain have been all week. I really told her how much I wanted to die today but I can’t. I have a book to finish and another to work on. I hate having these things and before I left, she said that I am going to be famous. I told her probably not but who knows. I am glad she has that confidence in my work because I sure don’t. This is after I told her that I was ecstatic that Jobes answered an email last week. I still have that email and I need to print it out. Unfortunately, my funds have run low so I will have to wait a few weeks.

I can’t believe it’s November already. I don’t know where the time flew. I feel like my date of killing myself is approaching and that I should start preparing. But that is too much of an effort. I just can’t put forth the effort or planning again. Not that I have gotten it out of my system. It just is that I know I can’t kill myself no matter how much I want to. The feelings are there but the motivation to go through with it is not. So, I just have to suffer through the miserable depression again and again as it takes a piece of me through every episode. Today is the worse. I had a bladder accident and I have to take a shower. I am not looking forward to the shower because my foot is already screaming at me from going out to see my pdoc.

I didn’t get any editing done today. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know it needs to be done but I want to be clear headed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day but I doubt it. I am starting to feel hopeless again. I have been out of breath when I do the littlest thing so I know my weight is up. I hate gaining weight because it is so hard to lose. But I am going to try to lose some of it by watching what I eat. Trouble is my mother has a bowl of KitKats downstairs, one of my favorite candies. And she made chocolate chip cookies for my sister’s birthday for tomorrow. Her birthday is on Sunday but because she is going to the Patriots game we are celebrating it tomorrow. I usually spend a few minutes with the family and then hibernate back to my cave aka my room.

Today is the perfect hibernation day because it is dark, gloomy, and rainy. I really need to rest my ankle so I might take the shower later, after I have been medicated. Yesterday I slept from six-thirty to one-thirty in the morning. It was a good snooze. I ended up taking my meds and then went back to sleep. I think my crops might have withered but I don’t care. The game that I have been playing for more than three years now is aggravating the hell out of me. It has new missions nearly every other day and you need more and more stuff from your neighbors to complete it. You are allowed fifty rewards per day. The stuff you need are around 20-27. Not enough to go around per neighbor. So you have to pick and choose what items to get. I tend to give to older missions because otherwise, there is no finishing them. And that is frustrating!!