Tag: disability

my heating system sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today started off ok. I got my niece ready for school and walked her to school. We took the way I normally take because there are no inclines or hills, which is normally good for my foot. But I guess all the up and down stairs yesterday and the few that I did today to get my clothes finally took its toll. My ankle and three toes are aching like no tomorrow and feel like I have my foot submerged in a bucket of ice water. I have it wearing a sock and under 3 blankets. There is no warming this foot up and frankly, I don’t want it warm because I will be in more pain. It will get warm then VERY HOT, like it is on fire. Happens all the time. The weather is very cold today even though the weatherman says it is 56 degrees. They are lying as Google just told me that it is 42 degrees. It is so cold in my room, despite the heat being on, that I think my radiator finally shit the bed. It was hot last week. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I didn’t turn the heat up high enough. My heating system sucks. It has to be the worse heating system on the planet. The only way to get it to turn on is putting it higher than 70 degrees. Then the house melts, you lower it and it stays warm for a little while. I am not as cold as I was earlier but it doesn’t matter. My foot has its own heating/cooling system since it has nerve damage. That is why I try to keep it as warm as possible during the colder months of the year. It is not easy as even in the summer it will be cold. I have to wear socks 90% of the time. I miss being barefoot but I just can’t risk getting my foot cold, especially as we have ceramic tile floors. They get REALLY cold, and fast.

I did nothing this weekend but vegetate. I needed some time away from the blog and my book. I got wicked stressed out Friday and didn’t want to risk another psychotic break so I stepped back. I had to for my own sanity. I thought I would be able to get back to editing today but I didn’t sleep very good last night and then had to wake up early for the kiddos.

Today’s WordPress challenge is about Dear Abbey. I thought about posting a good piece of advice but that is not what my blog is about. Most I have is to have a good therapist that is willing to work with you, and that goes for all professionals, from doctors to physical therapists. If the doctor already has it in his mind about you before you walk in the door, see someone who has a brighter bulb in their head. It is hard for chronic pain patients to get treatment because these doctors have been sidelined by the fake patients who say their back hurts and get pain medication just to use it illegally or to sell it. But the sad part is that these pain patients are undermedicated sometimes which leads to possible overdoses because they cannot get a flare up under control. I know, I have been there. I might not overdose myself all the time, but when I do, it is for a good reason. And that reason is PAIN. I don’t mean overdose in the sense I take the bottle. NO I DO NOT DO THAT, though I may be thinking that. I mean that instead of my allotment of 4 pills a day, I might take 6 or 8 a day. Fortunately for me, those 6 or 8 pills a day are far and wide in between. My doctor trusts my judgment. I am fortunate that he does otherwise I would be six feet under, NO JOKE. And it all stems from that day that I saw a chiropractor to adjust my spine and she ruptured my disc, permanently disrupting my life forever. I always will have nerve damage. I always will have weakness in my foot. It might not be visible to the world but I can assure you it is felt every single day. My minimum pain level is always a 3 on a scale of 1-10. That is what I live with on a daily basis and my surgery is coming up on 13 years. So that is why my heating system in my foot is all messed up.

frustrated

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression

Today was not a good day. I woke up in the middle of the night and kept on having weird dreams. Then when I got up to have some breakfast my ankle decided it wanted none of it. So I took a pain pill and went back to sleep. My mother made some chicken lemon dish that was ok and I just got enough of the cobwebs out of my brain to type this.

I am feeling kind of nervous. I just got an order to appear in court for a bill I have not paid because I have no money. I am going to try and call them on Monday and tell them I am disabled and don’t have any money to give them. I know this might not work but if I can pay them at least ten to twenty dollars a month, maybe I can avoid going to court. I hate going to court, not like anyone does like it, except if you are a lawyer or a judge. All of this just after a hospitalization has my mind going in the gutter. As I was walking to Walgreens, I was praying someone would come up behind me and slice my throat. I really would rather be dead than to deal with this.

The Sox are on tonight. I think I will be watching it, even though Lester is pitching and I can’t stand to watch him pitch. I hope we get to the other pitcher but he is tough. It’s going to be a pitcher’s duel that is for sure.

The weird thing, or the more concerning thing, is that I am not really interested in watching the game. I am just so depressed I would rather just eat Chex Mix and call it a night. I am just so tired. I am also mad at myself for not doing anything today. I didn’t work on my manuscript today like I was going to do. I really hate myself for this. I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to bed after I had breakfast but I was just in so much pain. I am not in pain now. But I don’t think I can work on my manuscript while I am in this level of depression and suicidality. Plus the urges to cut are really rampant. And I just realized that I can’t see my therapist on Tuesday because I have to see my PCP. That really throws a wrench in my works.

I am just frustrated and upset with this letter. I wish I never got it.

hospital admission 10-2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My hospital admission 10-2013

Day 1:

Lost a few blog followers today. Kind of sad about this. But I know there are days where I can get as many as 5 new followers in a day so I am not worried. I just have to wait for that day. I haven’t had much sleep in the last 36 hours. I had a late admission to the hospital and didn’t get transferred till 4 am. To say that I am tired is an understatement. Hope to get some sleep tonight.

Day 2:

Woke up in a grumpy mood and the first thing they tell me is they need vital signs. I wait where I am supposed to. This idiot student person takes them and almost gags me with the fricken thermometer. I am not happy. No sooner had I had breakfast of sausages, another MHC (Mental Health Counselor) asks if I had vitals. I say yes and she acts like she doesn’t believe me as she then asks who took them. Fuck you.I wanted to scream at them.

I’m in my “corner” of the hospital that is vacant at the moment where I won’t be bothered.
No med changes have happened yet. Wish they would. I just want to leave even though I just got here. I don’t care anymore. I am already sick of the routine already.

Hope I don’t have any meds this morning . Unless the MD fucked up again. He changed my abilify instead of the Ativan order. I wouldn’t mind an Ativan right now.
Just had a check in with the MHC. Told her I was grumpy and paranoid. She wanted a student to sit in on our conversation but I wasn’t up for it.

I got my morning meds. It was my anti-inflammatory medication. Guess they don’t have my extended release form so I will be taking it three times a day.
JACHO just removed my space. I am not happy about this. Hope that when they are done the space is back. Still have not met with any member of my treatment team yet. Lunch will be here soon. I am getting hungry.

I just listened to some music in my room. My tablet doesn’t have any playlists yet so I am just shuffling all the songs. I am still in a grumpy paranoid mood. My fricken wristband that you have to wear is too tight on me but they need to scan it to give you meds so I am stuck with it.

Just got kicked out of the kitchen because they need to clean it. Today is just a pissa of a day. I should have just stayed in my room.

1300: Starting to feel wicked agitated. Told staff and they had me write out my feelings. Then I got asked if I wanted to go to a dissociation group that is invitation only. Wonderful. I feel like flipping out and they want me to go to group. Wish I was home. I could take an Ativan and lock myself in my room and just zonk out. Urges to cut are strong today. I can’t stand listening to the voices in my head telling me to cut anymore. I am thinking about drawing marks on my wrist with my red pen. I don’t think that will fly too well. Fricken group starts in like 5 mins. Meds are starting to kick in and writing has helped a little but anyways. Going to write my therapist a letter.

Day 3:

Had a sucky day. Night before had a lot of noise going on in my head. I didn’t feel safe even though I usually feel safe while on the unit. Felt paranoid most of the day.

Day4:

Woke up early today. Had breakfast and coffee. It wasn’t Starbucks but it isn’t acid either. I’m still feeling paranoid. Can’t believe that I’ve had to see my contact person twice in a shift. That almost never happens. But I guess I just needed extra support today. I changed my birth name on the unit to my initials. I couldn’t take seeing my name postered around the unit anymore. This is the start of a holiday weekend. Just lovely. They had therapy group today but I could only stay a few minutes. Voices kept making fun of everyone in the room and I couldn’t take it anymore. My hospital band keeps digging into me. It is very annoying I got a few friends on the unit. Last time I met someone that we did keep in touch, least on FB. We kind of drifted apart but still say hi every now and then.

I don’t expect any visitors this weekend. I am still not sure how I am getting home. It worries me because I know that I have to take a shuttle, a bus, a train, and then another bus to get home. I am looking at at least a 3 hour commute. But I don’t want to worry about that now. I’ll worry about that closer to discharge.

Every night since I have been here I have woken up early and needed pain meds. I have them every 6 hours as needed. I really want to rip this medical band off. It’s starting to dig into and activate my urges to cut. Every time I come here some alarm goes off. Granted the first time I was here it was kind of my fault. A suicidal patient put a bagel in the microwave for twenty minutes and left it. We had to evacuate the floor. We were the only two laughing our heads off. After that we weren’t allow together anymore. She tried to kill herself at least two times on the unit. It was sad. I never knew if she made it.

Talked with my mother today about general stuff. I didn’t ask who she told I was in the hospital. I really don’t care at this point. Noise finally stopped. Hope it stays that way. The noise/alarm was telling me to die.

I took a two hour nap today. Hope it doesn’t affect my night time sleep.

Day 5:

Woke up after having an almost solid eight hours of sleep, which is hard to do usually in the hospital because of checks. Just had a check in with my contact person. A contact person is someone you talk about your day with, go over your goals for the day, go over any problems, etc. I like my contact person. She seems to be the only one that gets psychosis.

I can’t really say I am having a good morning. My Sox lost last night. I couldn’t bear watching the game last night because Lester wasn’t on his game. Hope today they have better luck. But if they don’t swing the bat, it’s going to be hard getting runs.

Just had breakfast. Tea with some banana muffins. I don’t usually like banana muffins but these are mini so they aren’t that bad. This is what is usual for weekend breakfast. They serve like a continental breakfast.

I hate waking up so early. It’s going to be a long day.

Day 6:

Felt sleep and psychotic most of the day. Then I kind of lost it tonight as I felt scared and wanted to barricade myself in my room. I told a staff member before I did anything as I didn’t feel safe. I just feel really scared because the normal voices aren’t there anymore. The contact person had me take my meds early and see if that helped. I’m back in my room. I wish one of the roommates would come in so I don’t feel like blocking them out. Also had delusions of the staff cutting my arm with the blood pressure cuff.

My friend thinks this is a grief reaction to my transgender issues. But I don’t think so. I think it’s just the pressure of getting my first book done has just messed with me. I think if I was working or had a job this probably wouldn’t have happened. Any time I get stressed, I become psychotic.

I need a pain pill but I can’t get one until 12 or so. I hate having to wait around for stupid schedules. I hope tomorrow is better. I really want to feel safe. What set me off tonight is that on of my normal voices is gone temporarily. The medication got rid of most of my voices, good and bad. Now I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s very lonely in head right now and I don’t like it. It’s a very weird feeling. Also another patient had physical contact with me today that set me off. She touched my arm and it just made me feel really paranoid. I know she didn’t mean to do it and I told it not to touch me. This is after she told me that I looked like her dying sister.

Day 7

I’m kind of pissed. I had a rough weekend and now they are talking about discharging me. WTF. I am not feeling too stable but if they push the issue, I will go home. I rather sleep in my own bed anyways. But the weird thing is that the staff told me this like I accomplished some kind of goal or something. I am wicked pissed. I am not really feeling safe to be home yet. Last night I was so scared I almost barricaded myself in my room. But whatever. It is what they perceive it to be. I hate day shift. I really do. Always have.

Not really hungry today. But I forced myself to have a bowl of cereal and made myself a cup of tea. Tea was better than the cereal.

I hope I will be able to go home by T ok. I’ll ask my sister if she can pick me up but if she doesn’t, I’ll just have to go by T (public transportation). It’s a cool day today so I hope what I brought to wear will be warm enough.

I talked to my treatment team and they are not discharging me because I had a rough weekend. I feel relieved.

Day 8:

Went on fresh air break, where we walk around the grounds of the hospital for a little bit. It was good to get outside. I haven’t felt like writing much today. My brain feels foggy. I had two cups of strong tea and I am still sleepy. I guess the Ativan is kicking my butt. My plan of taking my pain meds with my night time meds hasn’t worked. I still woke up at 03:30 in pain. I hate not being able to take my pain meds like I do at home. Two pills seem to work better than one. I will hopefully be discharged tomorrow. I think that I will be taking the T tomorrow as no one can pick me up. I am already dreading the commute. I’ll make sure my headphones are charged so I can at least listen to music during the commute.

I wrote my therapist another letter. She loves getting them. I talked to her yesterday and she was so excited, the weirdo. It was funny.

The paranoia and voices seem to be less today. I am jut really tired because I woke up again at 3:30 and then again at 08:30. I tried to nap during the day but it was unsuccessful. I have a new roommate and she reminds me of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter. Only difference is that she doesn’t have blonde hair.

paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.