Tag: disability

need for affiliation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a terrible mood today. I am glad my therapist doesn’t get all pissy and aggravated with me when I tell her that I am having a bad day and go away. Actually the more I tell her to go away, the more she sticks around and wants more sessions. I am glad today is that last of it and she didn’t volunteer to be seen tomorrow. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Already saw her twice this week and today I barely got by. I just am in a deep rut and though therapy usually helps, it sometimes make things worse when all you want to do is put the covers over your head.

I went out today. I walked a lot too. I know I am probably going to pay for it but I don’t care. I wanted a roast beef sandwich from Kelly’s and seeing as I am carless, I had no choice but to walk. I thought about taking a cab but I didn’t feel like paying $20 or more for the ride.

In therapy we talked about my manuscript. I don’t know when that got to be part of the therapeutic conversation. I just look at the binder I have it in and want to trash it or burn it. It just seems like a daunting task to me to edit this monster of pages. A fellow blogger has offered to read it but I don’t know if I am ready for anybody to read it except me, though I have no intentions to right now. I have to move stuff around and add some stuff. I think I am going to add a few blogs here and there as chapters. I know my Knackered blog is going in as a chapter. I did a stat summary and it is my most popular blog, with over 700 views alone. I also think that I am going to have the blog post the other night as a chapter, though I think I will delete the part of killing myself. I just don’t get how this book is going to be helpful to people when I am just telling them my darkest thoughts. It’s not a hopeful book, other than I wrote it and I am still struggling with these thoughts. I know my blog helps some people, and I wish they would comment or something. Hitting “like” is just not a real good indicator. Do they like the fact that I am telling people I have thoughts of death or do they understand the struggle or are they just sick and get off with me feeling this way? I never know. Some fellow bloggers or strangers do leave good comments but they are far and few in between. It’s not like I am looking for comments on all my work, but a few now and then would help. I guess you can say that I have the need for affiliation.

I am really tired and don’t know if I will be able to watch the game tonight. I asked my sister if I could borrow the car tonight to drop off my baby at FedEx. My shoulders were hurting me today otherwise I would have dragged the package with me as I was near there today. I think I slept wrong but don’t understand why BOTH shoulders are hurting. I know my neck muscles are wicked tight and not matter how much I stretch I can’t get the kinks out. I am rooting for two teams tonight, Indians and of course my Sox. The Indians need a win tonight because then the Snankees will be eliminated from playoff contention. If the Sox win, which I hope they will, they will have home field advantage. Unfortunately, they lost last night so they will not have 100 wins this season. I am kind of upset by this. I was so sure they were going to have the 100 mark. But I will take 98. The last three games are going to be tough because we are playing the Orioles. They are also in the playoff berth. The ALDS is going to be interesting!!

broken sleep and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

My manuscript was delivered earlier today, early enough that I could go out for my coffee. I had wanted to stay in today and just rest but I got restless. Now my ankle is screaming at me. I am stupid sometimes. I think I can just go through my routine of taking the bus and stuff when last night I woke up three thirty in the morning because of pain and then fell back to sleep at six. I woke up around ten-thirty. So I had broken sleep and pain to warn me not to go out today.

I didn’t know what to do with the manuscript so I just punched holes in it so I could place it in a binder. I took one look at it and got overwhelmed. But then I am getting overwhelmed with everything lately. I think I just got to stick with my blog as that is what makes me happy. I don’t know about this other project my friend has cooked up. I want to help her out and stuff but I think me working on my book and then her project is too much for me. And her piece is just as emotionally exhausting because it centers around my suicidality over the last few months.

I was in the middle of an email to her today as I was coming home when this guy who I can tell has mental issues just came up with me and started a conversation with me about clothing and buying t-shirts at Walgreens because they were cheaper than elsewhere. I was like ok. Then he kept on going on and on and I was like dude, I need to finish this. I had my headphones back in my ears, was looking down at my phone, and this guy was still trying to have a conversation with me. Shit. He was harmless and stuff but he kept on getting closer to me, invading my personal space with every new conversation so that is when I told him I had to finish the email…which by then I totally forgot what my train of thoughts were. That pissed me off. I hate it when someone interrupts me when I am writing. Even my phone decides to interrupt me soon as I open Word. It will be quiet the whole time I am on Facebook but soon as Word is open, texts and emails start coming in and I am like WTF. So now I just turn off the sound while I am working.

Speaking of working, my niece wanted to me to watch Cinderella with her but I had to get what I wrote up in Starbucks in a word document before I totally got exhausted and doped up on my pain meds. I knew the time it takes for the pain to get jacked up and I would have to take something is limited so wanted to get it done before I was in Dopey Land. When I told her I couldn’t because I had work to do, she yelled out, “you have a job”?? I told her yes, I do. I didn’t tell her what, as technically I don’t but I am sick of just saying that I am disabled. And I am a writer now so might as well use that title. But my mother was sitting right next to her and when my niece screamed out those words, my mother heard it, then asked me to clarify. I was like, oh shit! Now what do I say?? I can’t fib to my mother. So I just said that I had to type and made the typing motion with my fingers. No one knows what I do during the day. And it is not like I am getting paid to write my blog or my book or help my friend with her projects. They don’t know how many journals I have filled since being out of work. But my niece struck a cord with me, like I should be working but I am not. And it hurts. I still am dealing with the grief of not working and there goes my eight year old niece stating the obvious. I just feel like a loser.

I have to send my baby (laptop) back to Dell because of the high pitched noise. It is totally deafening my senses when it goes off and literally drives me berserk. It’s not too noticeable when I am playing music but when I am not, holy crap is it loud. And I can only hear it in my left ear because my right has high pitch deafness. The buzzing in my brain goes away when I block my left ear. I might have to use my older laptop until I send this one away but the thing weighs more than this one and gets hot after a while. I am just afraid that I might throw my back out while shuffling it around my bed.

I still have been under the blue moon. As I was walking home, I got struck with this heavy sadness that just froze my chest. It felt like this huge weight was on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I swear the black clouds are still following me around and I am starting to feel hopeless that they will ever go away again. I know it is that time of the year that I always get more depressed than my usual. It always starts mid-September and won’t relent until sometime in February. I call it baseball depressive disorder because it always co-insides with the end of baseball season and doesn’t relent until spring training. I just hate feeling this way because even though I know it will pass, I just don’t think it will. I start getting wicked hopeless and as that deepens, my sadness just gets worse. Then the suicidal feelings increase and by December I am wondering why I am continue to live when I promised myself it was all going to be over with. I might do it, just because. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I hate feeling trapped into living because of others. It is no way to live. But yet I continue my existence because of others, because that is the type of person I am. And I hate myself for it. I really do.

stuck in misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

It’s after midnight and I am still in a lot of pain. I can’t sleep. My foot is throbbing like there is no tomorrow but alas tomorrow is here. I don’t know if I will fall asleep. I just took some more pain meds. That is four pills within two hours. I don’t care. My pain is a ten and I can’t stand it any longer. I feel like my foot is not even mine, that it belongs to someone else. This is the second time that my foot has been through the roof and I have dissociated my body part. I know this isn’t a good thing. I am meeting with my pdoc tomorrow and will discuss this with her. Maybe she can give me some tips to deal with this crap. But I doubt it. She will just reassure me that I am not going crazy, refill my prescription for my antipsychotic that I need, and set up another appointment with her in two weeks. I don’t know why I am going on continuing to suffer like this. I should just end it all. I just need to place a plastic bag over my head. But I don’t want my family finding me like that. I swear that is the only thing that is stopping me. If I had some other method that was less painful for them I might try it. Or if I could get a hotel room that would be better. Ah Ha, the midnight demons have surfaced and I am talking about death again. Funny, I don’t feel like Mr. Hyde. I don’t have the dread feeling I usually do when Hyde takes over. Maybe I am just feeling so badly because I want this pain to stop and it has been hours and it still has not ceased. I came home around four this afternoon. My ankle gave out on me around three. I remember the time because I wanted to catch the dreaded 15:13 bus. But I missed it when I was off trying to figure out what to get for dinner at the meat market.

I haven’t felt this way in over two weeks. I know last week I felt like taking the bottle of pain killers but this week, the pain has been so bad I can’t think straight to kill myself. thing is I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But I don’t want to live either, so what am I going to do? I have been writing in my journal for the past hour and filled it up. Now I have to move on to another journal. I started that journal in May. I am hoping the new Journal lasts until the end of December. God I hate feeling like this. I feel so useless and hopeless. I really feel like everything is just so dark and gray. I don’t see any colors except black. It is terrible to feel this way. Part of me knows this will pass but another part of me is unsure. I am tempted to call my pdoc. I know that I will see her tomorrow but I am worried about my safety. I took two ativans to try and calm me down and they have not kicked in yet. My foot is so bad that I can’t move my toes and every time I can’t move my toes on my left foot, I panic. I think that CES, cauda equina syndrome is back. I have to keep telling myself that I am not in severe back pain, that I still have control over my leg even though I can’t move my toes, that I am not numb like I should be if I was getting CES again. I am not saying that this is in my head. I know it is not. It’s just that the pain is making me crazy and thinking all this stupid shit. That is why I take the ativan, to help calm me down and stop the endless thought process. But tonight it just doesn’t seem to help me. I am stuck in misery. I can’t get unstuck.

I bought some pens tonight. I got a temporary “high” from my buying powers. I love buying pens. I don’t need them but I just have to have them. I got different colors this time. I usually just buy black pens but they had these cool looking colored pens so I had to get them. I can’t wait till they come in.

I bought a book that my psychiatrist wrote. I haven’t started reading it yet. It is about child mental illness so I am not sure I want to read it. I feel bad for kids that have mental problems, and I don’t mean just ADHD. When I was in college my psych professor had us read about a kid named Gus. He went through many hospitalizations and foster homes because he was depressed and suicidal. he was also a very abused kid. It was tough reading it. I think child abusers should be shot torturously before finally putting a bullet through their head or they should be fed to hogs alive. I have been abused and would so want my abuser to go through the kind of pain that he put me through.

I have been debating going into the hospital for a few weeks now. I am thinking that I might have to and that now is a “good” time to go. I always get really depressed and suicidal around this time of year and it lasts until February usually. It never fails that the middle of September I fall into the pit of depression and I can’t get out of it. It has been this way since 2005. Thing is, I am too lazy this time to actually pack my things like I usually do. I keep putting it off, saying I don’t need to. But I have my menses right now and I hate having to wear female underwear and then having to change pads while in the hospital. You don’t get a bin to throw the pads away and have to use the main bucket in the bathroom so it is really gross to have to do your business then carry the trash with you. Maybe I will go when the menses stop, whenever they do. But I am hoping I will feel better afterwards and I won’t have to do. I have not been in the hospital for over a year. But I know I need to go in. I need my batteries recharged, so to speak. I can’t quite explain the relief I feel when I am in a locked unit in the hospital. Sure it will suck not having my laptop with me but I am hoping I will have my tablet at least. I also hope I will have my headphones with me. that is all that I want. And of course my journal and writing pad. The only thing that will suck is that I will have a shit load of blogs to type up when I get out. I might be able to type up in the hospital on the tablet but I am not sure about internet connection. Course it all depends what kind of unit I get placed into.

chronic pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Been in a sour mood all day. I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I wanted to have coffee but there was no more half and half in the house. I woke up in pain so I have been trying to sleep most of the day. I finally fell asleep for about an hour when my niece came home yelling at her sister for something. I was so mad. I did go out to get something to eat and a jelly donut. I was craving one. I know I shouldn’t as I have been eating crap the last few days but I so wanted a donut.

Today was my cousin’s baby shower. I didn’t go. I hate going to those things. I consider it a female thing so I just don’t go.

I really am tired today. I have been trying for the past hour to come up with some writing but nothing is coming to me. Oh and I tweeted Andrew Solomon today and surprisingly, he tweeted back! I was excited!! My twitter handle is noondaydemon75, which is named after his book. I am re-reading his book but can’t really get into reading. My brain is just toast. I had a hard time sleeping last night so decided to read some of the Lincoln book until 3 am. I didn’t sleep more than 6 hours before I woke up in pain again. I am in pain now. I just don’t care anymore. Right now, it just feels like a bad toothache.

I don’t know what to make of my pain. I was reading my old blog site and seems like this started the end of January of 2011. So it has been over two years that I have had this pain, and I feel it almost every single day. Nice (not). As I was reading my blogs, I noticed just how bad the despair was. I also read the fear I was having that this was a back issue and how much I was going to kill myself because of the pain and if I got CES x 3. Not much has changed since those writings. I still am suicidal and I am still in a lot of pain. I have seen over I don’t know how many different doctors/specialists for the problem and it seems, according to my writings, that no one was willing to help me with it. Even now my PCP, though he does give me my pain medication, sends me to other doctors. It is like I just can’t go in for one month and just get my script and walk out without some kind of theory he gets. I don’t care anymore. The pain as far as I am concerned is caused by nerve damage and the diagnosis is according to three doctors is complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know what that really means but I know it can’t be fixed. And as long as the pain medication takes care of the pain a little bit, I am happy with it. Structurally, there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle/leg except for some mild swelling, which no one has been able to get down. Even after a year of inactivity, I still get the swelling. I still have a lump on my leg where there is swelling.

And the whole thing depresses me. I can’t go for long walks like I used to. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without some kind of pain attack. At night my foot or ankle will start to bother me more than anything and I want to die from the pain. It will start off as small and then it will rear its ugly head all the way through half the night. Sometimes if I take my meds early enough I can go to sleep without it getting bad. Other nights, the anxiety it puts me through is too much and I am up all night, sometimes till 6 am.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I have to take my father to a medical appointment and then I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon for the medical students interview. I am dreading it because I know that it is going to be a long day and I am not going to sleep very well. I hope that before I drop my sister off at work I can get my coffee as I know I am going to need it. I might even have two in the day. But we’ll see.