Tag: grief

solemn Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn Saturday

I woke up before 0500 in pain. I took some pain meds and then set my alarm so I could go to the barber’s early to fix the back of my head. I fell back to sleep and when the alarm sounded. I shut it off but didn’t get up. I slept for 45 minutes and then got ready. It was already humid out and I was dreading it because I had to wear pants in this heat. I found a button down shirt in my office and grabbed a tie. I had to go to a wake after I got my haircut.

I left with time to spare and as I was at the bus stop, I pulled out my wireless headset. I should have stood up but I didn’t and one of the sides came undone. Dammit. I had to go back to the house to get my wired set. I was hoping to fix it but I couldn’t because the screw prevented me from putting it back into place and I didn’t want the wire to get undone.

The bus came and I went to the barber’s first before Starbucks. He fixed my head and trimmed the top. He cut the price as I saw him last week. I just gave him a bigger tip. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a sandwich. I still had plenty of time before the wake was supposed to happen. I was going to take the train but then I thought one of the buses in the Square would take me to the green line and I could connect to the blue line easier than going from red to orange to blue.

I was still really early by at least an hour and I just rode the train from one end of the line to the other until it was time to get off. I walked to the funeral home and the voices started harping on me like I didn’t know where I was going. I grew up in this town so was very familiar with the lay out. However, I am used to the starting point being the house I grew up in so it took me a while to get my bearings. The voices kept on doubting my judgement. I was getting so aggravated. Some stores and stuff had changed in the 25 years since I was in that area. I saw my elementary school and once I did, I knew where I was and where the street to the home would be.

I was sweating pretty good by the time I got there. My friend’s mother was appreciative that I came. I had known her when I was a teen as she did some workshop with the youth network I was involved in. I said hello to my friend and offered my condolences. I saw his wife, who was another friend of mine and said hello. I saw their beautiful daughter but she didn’t know me so I didn’t say anything to her. It was sad and my friend’s mother was very upset. I guess it wasn’t a planned death, the hardest kind. I had known my father was going to die. It was just a matter of time and so I had time to prepare. As I left I told them if they needed anything, they knew where to find me (FB).

I left and stopped at a gas station to get a bottle of water. I was so parched in the heat. By the time I got within a block of the train station, my foot exploded. Fuck and I wasn’t anywhere near home. I didn’t take any pain meds with me. I just didn’t think. So I hobbled to the station and the train came soon as I walked in. Score. The same thing happened on my connecting train home. I had to wait for the bus though. My feet were not happy.

I came home and hit the shower. I was soaked. Everything went in the hamper. I don’t think anything was dry. The shower was so refreshing. My feet didn’t like it but I didn’t care. I took some pain meds when I got up to my room. I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone on how many pills I take a day and it was 12 hours since my last dose. I waited a little bit for it to work before making something to eat. I was hungry but I wasn’t. I decided to make hot dogs rather than to order out.

After dinner, I fixed my Bluetooth headset. I was grateful it wasn’t broken and I needed to get another one. This one is pretty good with stand-by time and length of use. Only thing that sucks is that it takes a full 2 hours to charge but it’s worth it. I generally use my powered USB port so I can charge it and not have to be on the laptop to do it.

wicked hot hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot hot

It’s been awful with the humidity the past few days. Today I had to go out in it for my therapy appointment. I brought a facecloth with me so I could dab at the sweat. I had perspiring but there is nothing I can do about it in warm weather.

I woke up before six to use the bathroom and then I went back to sleep for almost 5 hours. It was around 11 I woke up. I was hungry and didn’t know what I wanted to make. I have a package of bacon that I need to use but didn’t have time to cook it. I really didn’t feel like making it. It was too hot. I just made some toast. Before I went downstairs, I checked my internet and I still didn’t have it. There were no messages on my phone either so Verizon didn’t call me.

After I made my toast, I got ready to head to Starbucks. The bus was late, even though it wasn’t too full. Thankfully, it had the AC cranked. I ordered my Starbucks through the app so it would be ready by the time I got there. I wanted to try the mobile order. It was easy once I figured out how to order my drink. It’s not complicated as I just get 4 shots of espresso on ice. I had a reward so I used it for my breakfast sandwich. It was all ready by the time the bus got to the Square. Neat.

After I had breakfast, I wrote in my journal. After an hour, I was bored. I wish I brought a book with me. I was really nervous about my therapy appointment. I wasn’t in pain as I took some meds before leaving the house. I needed to buy water as I knew I would be thirsty in the heat. I bought it at Starbucks and then left for the train station. I was early so I let a few trains pass before I got on. It was only a few stops I had to go.

I was sweating a lot by the time I reached the office. Luckily, they had AC in the waiting room. I cooled off some and thought about what to talk about with my therapist. I almost left a few minutes before he called me in. I was so nervous. I began nervously asking him if he minded me going through with transitioning. He answered with a damn question. I fucking hate that. I was getting annoyed and I guess he could sense it so then I asked if he cared about me or was I just a paycheck to him. I explained that a therapist was using me at one point for my insurance and he said he doesn’t take people on unless he cares about them. I felt good in that answer. Then I started crying for whatever reason. I guess the frustration and relief of his answers were reassuring me that I didn’t have to go find another therapist. That this was going to work.

We talked about my ex-therapist and how it was when I picked up my things. I told him about the things that I had gotten back and the blog I wrote about the paper in high school I wrote. I also told him about the book where a poem or essay was published in high school. He didn’t seem impressed but I wasn’t looking at him so not sure. I kept staring at his bookcase, taking inventory of his books. I also told him about the New York Times article and how upset I was over the comments attacking me and my ex-therapist.

I paused and thought about the transition and how I came out to my oldest niece and cousin. I told him about it and how I am going to move forward with it. He said that the stuff about my ex-therapist I should not fill up with the whys or other noise. It would just be harming me. That is hard to do because I still feel responsible for her ending therapy, even though my psych and him has told me it’s not my fault. I think in time I will have that sink in.

He also wanted to know where I was in the transition. So I said that I need a physical and then I can call the LGBTQA health center to move forward. They need that for the initial appointment. It would be several appointments before I was going to get hormone therapy, least according to the information sheet I read online from the center. I told him the reaction my mother had to someone who went through transition and I felt like dying. He wants to work on my response because there is no changing her. I told him I was fearful of being kicked out and he said he would work with me on finding sources so that doesn’t happen. I know at this point my mother is dependent on my check so I have that leverage. I just don’t know if she will be amenable to living with a man. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, the appointment went better than I thought. He knows this is a huge transition for me and that I am grieving the loss of a 16 year relationship. He said I am like a tootsie pop, tough on the outside but soft inside. I jokingly asked him how many sessions did it take for him to figure that out. He said it with some affection which eased my guard. I am still learning to trust him, something that I never thought I would have to do, again.

Father’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Father’s Day 2017

I woke up at 4 and it took a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up around 0845 and realized my mother would not be going to my aunt’s so I figure I just get up and make breakfast. I made bacon and egg sandwich. It was good. Then I shaved my head before going back upstairs. I am trying to keep it close but I am not doing a good job in the back. I don’t see the barber for another two weeks for him to straighten it out. I really don’t want to dip into my savings for a haircut.

I’ve been thinking of my father most of the day today as it’s Father’s day and it’s the second year without him. It is still weird that he isn’t around anymore. I miss him more than I care to admit. My sister posted a video of him on Facebook and he was dancing as he was drinking a beer. That’s my father, always dancing. He loved to dance.

I’m not sure what the plan is for my brother in law. He wants to go to a specific restaurant so I don’t think there will be a something at home. My mother made him a cake. I don’t know why she does it as no one eats it and then she gets mad because it goes to waste. My sister has told her many times that no one eats cake but she doesn’t listen.

It’s really muggy today despite it just being in the 70s. I need to shower today so I might do it after I make coffee. I just plan on watching Star Trek the next generation DVDs. I watched two episodes last night. I didn’t listen to the game and I am glad I didn’t as the starting pitcher sucked. We lost 7-1. I was texting friends last night as the game was going on. I would have been swearing on Twitter a lot if I was paying attention to the game. I rather talk to my friends anyway. Game is on late again tonight. I don’t know who is pitching. I really don’t care as long as we get a win, but for that to happen, the offense needs to get runs. I’ll wear my hat and hopefully it will bring them luck.

I’m going to write down my concerns I have with my therapist sometime today. I was going to do it tomorrow but I think today is just as good. I just hope I can bring it up and talk about it with him.

I’m getting sleepy so I think I will shower and then make coffee. This way if the coffee puts me out at least I have the shower out of the way.

long day and still no internet services

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long day and still no internet service

I finally fell asleep around 0200 and then woke up at 0600 for some reason. I was half asleep so not sure if I had to use the bathroom or what but I went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get up but I had to shave my head and shower. I had gotten in the habit of shaving the sides and back of my head. It feels good and I like it. Unfortunately, I don’t do a great job in the back as it is uneven but I don’t care. I mostly wear a hat so no one will really see it.

I caught the 11 bus and it was on time, which is shocking. I stayed at Starbucks until it was time to leave for my psych appt. I had breakfast and wrote in my journal while drinking my espresso. It was really good as the weather was cool but a little muggy. The sun kept going in and out, threatening to rain but it didn’t until I came home.

I saw my psych and we had a good talk. I told her about my therapist and how I am not sure I am going to stick with him. She encouraged me to talk to him about my concerns. I am kind of nervous about it because I never had to tell someone how I want to be treated so this is new to me. I told her I would try and then let her know as she would be interested in what he has to say.

As I was walking back to the train station, my Achilles flared up. Not too bad, but enough that I had to limp. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I got to the Square and went to the butcher shop to get burgers for dinner. I was starving. The bus was late and I was getting angry as I was so hungry. Then the bus came and there was traffic down the street we needed to go down. I just wanted to go home! Soon as I was near my house, the rain started so I made it home just in time.

My mother had taken out some ground beef, which I didn’t notice on the counter earlier. We used that and I will use my burgers tomorrow. Both my ankles are hurting me and I took my pain meds when I got to my room. After I ate, I called Verizon to find out why I still had no internet. Apparently, there is some problem with my account as it is still pending and they don’t know why. Just lovely. So until it’s resolved, I have to use my phone’s hotspot to have the net on my laptop. I am using data like crazy. I try not to be on my laptop too long as I use my phone for most things, but my phone doesn’t like to refresh Facebook and that is annoying as I get the same stories for the past few days rather than what is going on today. I also notice when I post and then refresh, my post goes away. It’s annoying me. Twitter is so much better.

For my blog readers, I apologize for not keeping up with your blogs while I have no net services. My phone is terrible at getting them through the WordPress app. I’ll try and check them after I publish this blog and comment on them.

I am very tired. Even after I drank my espresso, I was ready for a nap. Pain has really been interrupting my sleep and/or causing me to go to bed later than I would like to. I am not going to do anything for the rest of the night except to possibly listen to the game. I lasted through to the 8th inning last night and then all hell broke lose with my foot so I turned it off. I thought I would sleep but I couldn’t get comfortable. I was having so many different kinds of pain that I was so fed up, I didn’t know how to ease it. I wrote to my psych to vent as I was so frustrated. I really wanted to just take something that would kill myself or amputate my ankle.

This Sunday is Father’s Day. It’s the 2nd year without my father. I seriously never thought I would miss him so much. I thought I would just be glad he was gone but it’s not exactly a comforting thought when they actually are. I still remember one day when he was showing affection and hugged me lovingly. It had to have been the first time in a LONG time that he did this. I was taken aback by it. It will always stick out in my mind because he was gone not even six months later. It’s hard not having him there anymore. No more lengthy doctor appointments or scheduling this or that with him. It’s just weird not having him around.