Tag: grief

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

I have been reading blogs from last March. It was a painful period for me as my depression was very bad and my father was dying, though we didn’t know. I just came across a blog about last Easter, which had come at the end of March. He was giving me shit, according to the blog. I think I remember him being all dressed up, in his three piece suit, and his pocket watch that he was proud to show off. He made fun of the things I was putting on my plate, telling me it was too much food when there was hardly anything. I was barely eating those days because the depression took my appetite away. It was the last time he was in good spirits. I wish we took a picture of him all deck out to remember the occasion. We had no idea it would be his last Easter. I am so sad when I think about this.

His birthday is next week and I have to say that it is causing me big time grief. My sister is thinking of going to the race track to spread his ashes. It’s something he would have wanted.

I was talking to my friend in Canada. We have been friends for a long time and today she left me a comment. I wasn’t sure it was her at first but it was. I was talking to her via Facebook and she was telling me that she reads my blog to her husband every day. I think that is so cute and romantic, though my stories are not that romantic in nature. But the fact she is sharing my work with him is special. It made me proud to know her. I love you Yogi Bear, I truly do.

As I was going through the March blogs, I realized it has been a year that I have been back on Zoloft. What a difference it has made. I can cope a little better with things and realize things aren’t so bleak. I am in wicked pain right now but it’s not driving me to suicidal depths like it did in the past. I think the extra 50 mgs I added (with the ok from my psych) made a bit of difference. I have slowly increased the medication because I don’t want to get sick like I did before. It usually takes a while for me to get sick. Last time I was on it for a couple years before I made the connection that the med was causing me nausea every day. Now I know what to look for. I will have to tamper down if this happens again.

I never read my book. I decided to backup my laptop files on my thumb drive. I thought some mindless distraction would help decrease my pain. It did but didn’t. The thing is, the pain is coming in waves so soon as I think it’s gone, it comes back again. I might have to take another strong pill.

There was an article circulating on Twitter about a link between childhood emotional abuse and the opioid epidemic. When I saw it, my first reaction was “no shit, I could have told you that”. I retweeted the article I saw with a “shit” comment. The person that sent it blocked me. I didn’t have access to the article. Then someone else posted it and I posted it again with this is the article that I was blocked on. Here is the article if you are interested in reading this bullshit: http://www.psypost.org/2017/03/new-study-links-opioid-epidemic-childhood-emotional-abuse-48288

I call it bullshit because I think it might harm chronic pain patients that need opioids to manage their pain. I know that is why I was turned away from a pain clinic because a psychologist there said I had the “potential” all because I had a trauma history. Who the fuck doesn’t?? That doesn’t mean that every one that has had a bad childhood is going to turn toward heroin or oxy. People have used it safely. Chronic pain patients need medications or suicides are going to happen. Just makes me sick. And I am still pissed off I was blocked by someone I don’t know and that person didn’t know me!

Christmas 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it. Happy Hanukah for my Jewish readers and Happy Holidays to those that celebrate other holidays that I don’t know about!

It’s been an interesting day. I had a difficult morning and I still feel wicked sad about it. The grief for my father has been overwhelming the events of the morning, just making everything worse. I still feel weepy at times.

I had Christmas dinner with my family. I really didn’t want to go but my sister threatened to drag me if I didn’t so I went reluctantly. After dinner and desserts, I started to feel really sad and felt like crying so I said good-bye to all and came back to the comfort of my room. I was talking with my nephew. He looked like he was really depressed. He might have been tired. I am not sure which. I felt bad for him. We talked about stuff but nothing in great detail. I am sure he misses his grandfather like I was missing him. It’s the first Christmas without my father so it’s the hardest.

I never watched the movie last night. I was talking with a friend through FB and then it was time to take my meds. I felt sleepy so I told her goodnight. A few hours later, I was still up and wanted to talk to someone so I PM’d her to see if she was still awake and wanted to chat. She was so we talked some more. My meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep. I had told her good night again before doing so.

I completed my reading challenge last night. I read 23 books this year. I really wanted to read 40 but this year was not the year for it. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next. It should be easy as it’s all dialogue. Maybe I will end up with 24 books read if I finish it by New Years Eve.

Man, I had a sip of some spiked eggnog and got a wicked headache. It tasted more like a Pina colada. I didn’t like it at all. I like coconuts but not as a flavor.

I’m going to write my will soon. I have decided to end things in the coming year. I just am deeply upset over things that happened this morning and what was said and done cannot be undone or unsaid. Two bad days in a span of 48 hours have really taken a toll on me. I need to finalized things. I know what needs to be done because I had the experience with my father’s death. I don’t know when I will die, probably when I feel things are settled. I will go on like I usually do so my family doesn’t have a clue. If they read this blog, I don’t care. They are not living my life. They don’t know the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis. They don’t know how deep my depressions run. I am tired of explaining why I won’t see this doctor or that. I know they don’t have answers for me anymore. If 15 doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with me but 3 have told me that I have CRPS then that is good enough for me. Trouble is, there is no real treatment for it other than opioids. And I am tired of taking them around the clock.

Christmas Eve 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2016

I haven’t done much of anything today. I helped my mother as best I could around the kitchen as she made stuff and I washed the dishes. I couldn’t make coffee because she was using both counter tops so I had no room to place my French press. I will make it tomorrow.

I went out to cash my scratch ticket and then went to get eggs for my mother. She yelled at me for paying $1.89 for eggs like it was coming out of her pocket. Sorry, ma, eggs aren’t 99 cents anywhere anymore. I bought three dozen. That should tie her over for a while. We go through a lot of eggs because she bakes a lot.

I ordered Chinese food. I don’t know why I bothered to buy chicken fingers. They never taste right. My mother will eat them. The General Gao was okay. I didn’t eat the scallion pancakes I bought. I wasn’t that hungry. I like them left over anyways. Now I got to decide what movie to watch. I am leaning towards Home Alone. I seriously need to dust it off though before I use the disc. That is if I don’t go back to sleep. I fricken took a two hour nap and I am wasted. I am trying not to go back to sleep but it’s hard.

I was struggling with dealing with my father’s loss this morning. I kept thinking about him. It was his last Christmas and the last time he was fairly “healthy”. He had a recurrence of his liver tumor and we were waiting to see what the treatment option would be. We had no idea that his health would downfall in the on coming months.

My ankle is hurting today but not as bad as it has been in the past. Surprisingly, just one pain pill is keeping it at bay. I hope it stays that way. I took Nyquil last night because I was coughing and was congested. I had a good sleep. I was glad. Though I still don’t know why I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap. I will watch the movie tomorrow.

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

I’m having a difficult time right now. My foot is ablaze in pain. I took my pain meds a half hour earlier than I should have. I don’t care. I also took an Ativan because my thoughts are all over the place with anxiety. I am not sure what the anxiety is about. I have been thinking about my therapist the past couple of hours so it might because of her. Our session is still not sitting well with me. I tried writing about it but I just ended up crying. It just got me so upset. So I left the document open but I will come back to it later.

I checked my blog email as I had some messages. In the sidebar, it listed some Velveeta recipes. It looked good so I clicked on it for a chicken and pasta dish. It seems easy to make so I am going to try it. I just need to get the ingredients.

I am really tired but every time I lie down, my ankle acts up. I took it off the covers and that reduced the pain by 40%. But every time I move it to get comfortable, it flares up on me again. I don’t get it. I am not straining it by these movements. And they are not bearing any weight. I don’t know what gives.

I’m having nerve pain so I took some Neurontin to try and ease it. I wish it worked right away but it doesn’t. It takes several hours for it to work. By then, I am usually asleep. I wish I was asleep right now and I would be as I have had a tough day. But this damn pain is horrible tonight. I don’t understand why as I have been in bed most of the day. The only time I pretty much left my room was to use the bathroom and get something to eat, which were very few times. But my pain doesn’t care. It hurts no matter what I do or don’t do. So very frustrating.

I tried the new protein drinks. It’s not bad but it has a bad aftertaste. It has the sweetener stevia in it which is why the calories are so low. I never had this sweetener before so I hope I don’t get sick off it. The drink did filled me up so that was good. I might buy some Ensure for the vitamin part of it as well as adding calories. Drinking five of the protein drinks will only bring me up to 750 calories a day. I need another 300 calories to complete the day. One Ensure will probably do it.

I think I finally cried for my father today as I was crying for the loss of my therapist. I still don’t think I am completely over his death. It will be eight months since his passing, ironically on Christmas. It’s going to be a difficult day.