Tag: hopelessness

random Friday blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Friday Blog

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. I woke up around 8 and took my blood pressure and pain pills. Then I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth as standing hurt too much. I haven’t done it in two days now and really don’t care. I wanted to go back to sleep but it was difficult. Then my loud mouth aunt came over and forget about sleep. While I was trying to doze, I got an internet call. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was the courthouse wanted me to call them back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I waited a while.

I was really hungry as I didn’t eat anything in about 24 hours. I didn’t want to eat with my aunt and mother in the kitchen so I waited for them to go to the living room. I was just in an off mood and didn’t want conversation, at all. I made four sliders and had some Fresca, which is a diet soda, the only kind I drink. It was yummy. I then went upstairs where my ankle/foot acted up again. I called the courthouse and left as message as no one answered.

My loud mouth aunt left after about a half hour so I finally fell asleep. I slept for about four hours and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up, there was a message from the courthouse. I need to go in on Monday! I won’t be going early, just around 11 or so. It is going to be a long day because I have therapy in the afternoon. Think I will take the bus to Harvard Square and hang out there for a bit. I don’t know how long it will take at the courthouse. I am excited as I will finally have the name that I want.

I’m still depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I need a shower but I hurt too bad to stand. I’ve been trying to do the PT stuff but it’s hard when you are in so much damn pain. Last night when my pain was high, I took pics of my feet and ankle. My PT wanted me to. So I did and then I sent them to her. She responded that they were for me. WTF. I hate looking at my feet let alone someone else’s. I haven’t done the app thing because I just don’t feel like doing a damn thing today. I just want to die. It will be soon, I hope.

PCP appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP appt and other things

I woke up in pain, again around nine. I used the bathroom and took my pain meds. Then I just laid in bed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew that would mess me up. I really didn’t want to go but this appointment was the next step to getting my transition started. My mood really sucked so I had to push myself for most of the day. It was exhausting and pain didn’t help matters.

I got to Starbucks and a woman approached me. We had met during my last hospitalization and she is now living in the area. I asked her if she still had my number. She did and she said she’d call. I doubt it. I haven’t heard from her since I left the hospital and I totally can’t think of her name. But it was good bumping into her.

I had something to eat and my espresso. I tried writing but was distracted. My ankle bone was really hurting. I tried to do some imagery exercises the PT wanted me to do to distract myself. I only got so far. I then started doing some of the belly tightening exercises she wanted me to do. That didn’t help me either. I did like 5 of them before I stopped. I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I used the bathroom before leaving and went to my appt.

I got there with time to spare. Supposedly my doc was on time, but I didn’t see him till 20 minutes past my appt. He read my psych’s note and found I wanted to be called he and G. I said yes. I told him I needed the notes from today so I could go to my next step for transitioning and he almost started to talk me into going there for my healthcare. Don’t think so buddy. Least not for now, anyway.

I then brought up that I wanted to be put on a longer acting pain med. That is when my being fat came into play. He said because I was obese, I might have a sleep disorder and that is why I wake up in the middle of the night not because of pain. Yea okay. He wants me to have a sleep study done before he thinks about going on a longer acting med. Fine, whatever. Did I mention I was hurting NOW?? I emailed my psychiatrist. I think she is fed up with me because she hasn’t responded to any emails I have sent her the past week. I’ve sent her whacky things the past few days, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep due to pain.

My suicidality has increased. I don’t know what the point in sticking around is. My doc said that the neuro says I have a nerve injury and, just like I thought, that pain meds are not good for it. It will be only a matter of time before he takes me off them. I hope I will be dead by then.

lost track of the pain days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost track of the pain days

Seems the days I have been in pain have been endless. The only time I am not in pain is when I am sleeping, and even that is broken up when my pain meds wear off. I could not get going today. I had woken up around 0330 and struggled to get back to sleep after taking pain meds. I really didn’t want to go to therapy, hell, I didn’t want to leave the house but I went. And I am glad I did. He listened and validated my feelings. He said that I am more overwhelmed than hopeless, which I am having some difficulty understanding. I needed his reassurance I wasn’t hopeless and he said he doesn’t work with hopeless people. That helped.

Before time was up, my ankle flared up. And I was dreading going home. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving his office because the damn train was delayed, which meant I wasn’t going to catch the 1710 bus. My bladder was not happy with me at all. Oh well. The temps never got as high as they said they were going to. In fact, the temp dropped as the day wore on. I wore jeans and a sweatshirt but walking around made me hot and I was sweating a lot by the time I came home. I could really use a shower but my foot is hurting too much. I will try and take it tomorrow morning when I know my pain levels are down, or at least should be until I start moving around.

I had made a bacon and egg burrito for my lunch. It was very filling and I am not hungry to have supper. If I am later this evening, I will just have a bowl of cereal as my go to, or some oatmeal. I can’t wait to buy some overnight oats next week when I place my grocery order. I am trying to keep the order less than $200. It’s not easy because I’ll want something ordered and then delete it when my craving goes away.

I went off on Facebook this morning because someone keeps reporting me after I post being depressed, suicidal, or having bad thoughts. I have no idea who this person is as the reporting is anonymous. Just pisses me off because I am shut off from my account until I basically say I am okay, I don’t need to call someone. Hell, I have the numbers in my phone if I want to talk to someone as well as my Facebook friends, which did respond to the post, like this asshole could have done. I feel like I am being prosecuted for having suicidal feelings all the time and that talking about them is bad, when it shouldn’t be this way. It helps me to express my feelings of being suicidal. Holding them in is just bad news and makes me more likely to want to act when I feel that way. I just wish people would talk rather than be jerks about it. Obviously, they don’t know me as I have been posting suicidal messages for years now and guess what, I am still here. It helps me cope with the intensity of the moment. I know it will pass, it usually does. It’s worst at night because I want to sleep, I am exhausted, and I am just more vulnerable but can’t sleep for whatever reason, usually pain. My damn physical pain gets intolerable and death would be so welcome at the particular time. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this nerve injury that is not going to get better and may get worse. I have stopped using CRPS tags and hashtags because that is not what I have. I would have felt better knowing I did have CRPS because then I knew what was involved. I just don’t know what this nerve injury is going to involve but now that it’s affecting the bones in my ankle and foot, it doesn’t look good. I also know that since it’s been 7 years since the injury and it’s has gotten worse instead of better, the nerve is not likely to recover. That is such a severe blow to me. So my suicidality is peaking right now because of the hopelessness of knowing this. I am not going to get better, ever. That is a hard pill to swallow.

Painful Sunday, too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Sunday too

Not having a good day. Woke up with my ankle screaming, particularly my ankle bone. Took some meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. Went back up to my room where the pain then spread from the bone down to my pinky toe. I took an Ativan and a strong pain pill and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I got hungry around 11 so I carefully went downstairs to have a bowl of cereal. I then made a cup of tea as I didn’t have anymore half and half. The one I had had gone bad and there was no way of me going to the store in my painful state. I texted my brother in law and asked if he was going to the grocery store, to pick me up a quart of it. He said ok. I was grateful.

I brought the tea back up to my room and just read Twitter. The game was on and there were a lot of tweets about it. Then my feed got filled with news about Nebraska hiring a new athletic director. I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or not or what it would mean for Mike Riley, their football coach. The Huskers are having a horrible season. Riley has been with them for the last three years. They have not had rankings or championship games for a while now.

The Pats won and I was happy. Brady, our quarterback was not happy that he had a helmet to helmet hit that wasn’t called. I don’t blame him. That is how you get brain injuries. I am glad they won. After the game, I went downstairs for dinner. I was going to have sliders but my mom made pancakes. I wanted to make them today but couldn’t because of pain. I scored! I had three or four of them before my mother yelled at me. She thought I was going to eat the whole plate, LOL. That would be too many for me. I finished the one I was eating, washed my hands, and then went upstairs again.

Pain shot out of the woodwork. My bones in my foot were now hurting. I took some more pain meds. I cried because I am in such pain I just want to die. I seriously was going over my plan, except I changed the location of where I would do it, again. I thought of calling my psychiatrist but she would only tell me to go to the hospital and what are they going to do besides aggravate me? I tried to get into BPDChat but they were talking about emotions and I just couldn’t deal. I was in a bad place and didn’t want to contribute or talk about how I was feeling. I always get ignored anyway. I haven’t attended chat in quite some time. I just am not up for it or I forget about the time.

I had emailed my PT about how I was not able to do all that she wanted me to do because of pain. Today I used the app and did poorly on it. I just can’t focus. I also told her I was feeling hopeless about everything and not sure if PT is going to help me. I’ll still go but not quite sure how it is going to help seeing as a nerve injury is not something you bounce back from right away like a sprain or a broken bone. I still am trying to wrap my head around this. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow. Hopefully talking it out helps me a little bit. I know he isn’t going be suggesting things or anything. It’s just not his style, which is pissing me off. I wish he would validate what I say I little more. I just want to be heard and understood. Is that so terrible?

I emailed a friend to see how she was doing and I found out she is off social media sites so the best way to contact her is email. She is doing well, which I was happy to hear. I told her I was thinking of using Kratom as a pain relief med and she gave me the pros and cons of it. The sucky part is that it’s not in pill form. It’s a powder that is very bitter and that you need to sweeten to swallow it and drink fluid with. There is also a lot of trial and error with it as the dose varies from person to person. Great. Not something I am into then. She told me about cannabis and how it is helping her as an edible. I don’t want that either so I guess I will stick with what I have.

I’ve been thinking of my father today. I was tempted to call my sister to see if he was coming over today. Then I remembered he is no longer with us and I was sad. The other day when I was coming home from PT, the bus drove by his apartment building. It stung. He has been on my mind ever since.

Ok my laptop is driving me crazy with the stupid screen. Next week can’t come soon enough. I only have one appt next week (other than therapy) and I can order my new screen and hope it solves the problem. Otherwise I am screwed!