Tag: hopelessness

Just useless

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, suicide

Been listening to country music on the radio most of the day. I didn’t go to my doc appointment today because I didn’t want to freeze my ass off in the cold. So I spent the day trying to work on this blog that is driving me nuts at this point. It is already six pages long yet not even 1500 words. I still have five pages of notes to type up. I think that will be a task for tomorrow. My brain is fried.

Ankle has been acting up the last few hours. It hurts and at times, cramping up. I don’t know why as I have been on my bed resting for most of the day. The only time I have left my room is to eat and go to the bathroom. I did stand to make my breakfast and lunch. I probably will have to stand to make my dinner, too. It is going to love that. I really just want to take a nap. I have been up since six o’clock.

I did some searching to see if I could find the article that is in one of my previous blogs. I wanted the hard copy so I can read it as it has been a while. I have been unable to find the actual journal that it is in so finding the hard copy was a good thing. I would have printed it out but I don’t have a printer. It is on my list of things to get this year.

My mood has tanked today. I found myself seriously thinking of ending my life. It is becoming more prominent than a passing thought. I texted my therapist about chatting with her but have not heard back, yet. I just feel really worthless, like what I am doing doesn’t matter to anyone. I feel like my blogs are worthless. That my writing is shit. And I just don’t want to be anymore. I rather be in a hole in the ground than be above ground. I am just useless.

Cold Day, Visiting Friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold day visiting friends

I went out today to visit some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I thought the visit went well. We shared some laughs, some good food. But when I came home, my ankle was swollen then the pain started and I haven’t been able to hold it back. I just took my pain meds with my night meds so hopefully that will work. It is really cold in my room for some reason, but warm in the rest of the house. I don’t know why this is. It is about only twenty degrees out. I froze my butt off waiting for the bus ride home. I just put on a sweatshirt and flannel pajamas for warmth. I really want to go to bed but thought I would write a little bit before turning in.

Despite going to two places to try and write, I got nothing written. I am so disappointed. I have the ideas circling but they just won’t come out. It is so frustrating. I think I am putting pressure on myself in trying to write this “thing”, but I know once I start working on it, I will feel better. My brain feels cooped up and if I don’t let it out, I might go crazy. I’m going to try tomorrow to write in my comfort zone, my bed, and see how that goes. I don’t know what else to do. Every time I close my eyes, words are there waiting to get plucked out. But soon as I see a blank page of paper or screen, poof, they are gone! My writing partner would say work on something else and then it will come to me. But I have tried that and it hasn’t helped me. I am getting frustrated and wish my therapist was here so we can talk about it. More so, I wish my psychiatrist was back in the office so I can SEE her. I emailed her yesterday but have not heard back. I am so frustrated with her too but there is nothing I can do about it. She has a broken hip and broken bones take time to heal.

I don’t talk with my therapist until next week. She is on vacation. I hate it when therapists are on vacations! I just need someone to talk to about my writing. My psychiatrist was always good in listening to me when I was writing a paper. She is always interested in what I write.

Hip is on Fire

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Hip on fire

I woke up in pain again this morning. My hip just felt like it was on fire. I am so tired of being in pain every morning. Just when I think I am getting better, I take two steps back. I managed to get to the pharmacy to get my pain medication refilled. I desperately needed it as I took my last two this morning. Then it took forever for me to wake up. I planned on going soon as it opened at 10 am but I didn’t get out of bed until around 1330. I just couldn’t move. I also have been taking Ativan to calm down the damn spasms I have been having too. I just can’t win and I am tired of losing.

Tonight, I participated in the BPDChat on Twitter. I was using Tweetchat to participate but something was wrong with it as only my tweets were posting and no one else’s. I had to go to the main Twitter page to see everyone’s responses and comments. I should have just left and laid down and rest. I plan on doing that after I write this blog. I need to lie down. Sitting is getting almost impossible and despite taking pain meds, I am still hurting. I wish I could say that it is because I did X that caused this but I didn’t do anything. I didn’t lift anything. I just sneezed and threw my back out. Plus with this cough, I think I made things worse.

My mood sucks right now. I really am feeling like a piece of shit. I know my not sleeping right is also contributing to my sour mood. Tomorrow I have physical therapy and I don’t care if I don’t go. I really don’t feel like it. But I will go because it will get me out of the house. I just hope that I will be able to walk to get there. Lately, my hip/back has been giving me trouble walking. And going down the stairs is like I am tearing something. This really sucks.

I wrote my therapist a letter this morning. It was long as I was really tired and I was falling asleep as I was writing it. I just gave her a brief update to what was happening. I write her a letter every time she goes on vacation. Hopefully this time I will have it in the mail so she gets it when she is back in the office. I really miss her. I still don’t know when my pdoc is going to be back in the office. I hope it is soon. Guess I will find out after the holidays.

I really want to write a blog about the SSF and CAMS model. I realized that I don’t really talk in detail about them. I mention them in my blog but don’t go into great detail about them. I think it will be a good blog for therapists to have. And I have a few therapists that follow my blog.

I am really tired. Meds are working and I should be toast right now but I am fighting the fatigue like I always do. I have to take a shower sometime between now and tomorrow morning. I hate showering lately. But it’s something that has to happen. It just sucks when you are in pain with a bad back. Any standing motion just triggers more pain and spasms. It just really sucks. I should be getting better by now but for some reason, I am not. I don’t know why. It is really stressing me out. I am going to put a heating pad sticky on tonight to see if that helps. I figure it can’t hurt me. I would put my heating pad on but I really don’t want another thing on my bed. My bed is becoming more my office than a sleeping place. I have notepads, my laptop, journal, pens, a notebook, and a box of tissues. I also have my therapist’s card that I read to remind myself of what she said to me that means so much. I really value her words. I just wish they would sink in. But they don’t so, I have to keep reading them, if that makes sense. I can’t sit any longer so I am going to stop here.

Just Another Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Just Another Saturday

I didn’t think I was going to leave my bed today. My back pain was horrible. Even despite taking my pain meds, I was in agony. But once I started moving, I felt a little bit better. I got dressed without too much pain and trekked to my father’s to do his medication for the week. Seems I am the only one that knows how to do it. He drove me crazy today. I still have a cough and he wanted me to take some “aspirins” (which were really Tylenol). I told him I didn’t need them as I wasn’t running a fever or feeling sick. He is a dumb bastard when it comes to illnesses. I really started getting pissed off when he got the bottle and kept shaking them in my face. God, he is so fucking annoying. I can’t take them because I already took the pills before leaving my house. Last thing I need is a damn Tylenol overdose.

I finally left after an hour when my sister was done with his laundry. When I came home, I ordered Chinese food as I was starving and played my game. I am really getting annoyed with my players. They are so whiny. They bitch about not getting stuff, or the have to tell their whereabouts all the time as to why they can’t play the game. Who gives a fuck! We all need stuff for this game that needs 100 things for one mission. We all are struggling to keep up and not get behind. I have decided that if one more person complains about not getting stuff, I am going to block them. I am so tired of hearing it. It’s one thing to get frustrated with the game and “legit” complain, it is quite another to constantly complain you aren’t getting your crops. If you get 20, be grateful you got the 20, and shut up about it. Request it tomorrow so you can get another 20. The game only allows so much giving anyways, which makes it so difficult to get the stuff we need. So if you have 100 neighbors, you are lucky to get half that amount a day. I know not every neighbor returns the favor but that is their problem. Karma will get them.

I still am having a bad back and I don’t like it. I don’t know why it has gotten worse the last couple of days. The weather has been fair, no rain or really cold weather. It has been quite warm so I have been wearing shorts around the house because my mother refuses to turn down the heat. Going out to my father’s really exhausted me. It’s so damn hard doing things when you are in severe pain. I have been fighting the urge to go take a nap since finishing my dinner. I just want to lie down and sleep but I know that if I do, I will be up sometime in the wee hours of the morning and then my sleep cycle will get fucked. It’s bad enough that I am waking up between 0345 and 0445 every morning in pain. I don’t know how, but I have been waking up on my back instead of on my side and my back doesn’t like it one bit. And then to turn over, OMG. It is just torture. I still don’t understand why I am in so much pain. Doc says it’s just a pulled muscle. Great. I want to be better NOW. I can’t take being in pain every damn day. It just drives the suicide demons. And the last thing I want is another dumb hospitalization. Because face it, they don’t help you with dealing with stuff. I wish I could say that they help give you skills to deal with your physical illness but they don’t. They just give you stupid coping skills dealing with your mental stuff, if you can decipher it from the papers they give you. And most of the work is based on YOU doing the work. When you are already passed your limits, it is extremely difficult to work on you. You just want to rest. Like I do, right now. But I keep this blog going because it keeps me going. I really wasn’t going to write a blog today. I just wanted to shut the light off and go under the covers to sleep.

Sometime in the next week, I have to go to the post office and get some Wilt Chamberlain stamps. I had asked my sister to get them for me for either my birthday or Christmas and she didn’t comply. She thought it was dumb to give stamps. Whatever. I will get them either way.