Tag: hopelessness

Ring on my finger

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt survivor

Listening to Bryan Adams today. Just love listening to his voice. I realized that my country music has failed me as there are no songs that are pulling at my heart strings lately. Sure there are songs that I like but nothing that helps me deal with the pain of what I have been going through lately. So I have turned to alternative music for now and found the Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, and some other group that I don’t know yet the name of as I was listening to the radio. I like listening to songs that make you feel something. Sure my country music puts me in a good mood and I like that but I am not always in a good mood all the time.

Was talking earlier with a blogger friend. She would like me to guest blog on her blog. I won’t disclose the topic because I haven’t written it yet. I hope to work on it later today once I get some ideas on it. I am honored that she wants me to do this. I hope what I write will be good!

We talked about my editor and the book. She read the book of course and had some good suggestions for it, though I really like the way the book is haphazard. She wanted me to be more linear and frankly, I don’t like being linear. Which is ok because she liked the book anyway. I just hope that it’s good enough to sell or at least have a few sales anyway. I have the opportunity to have my book presented at the AAS conference, if I get this thing published on time. AAS is the American Association of Suicidology where I sometimes blog. I am part of the founding members of their suicide attempt survivors blog. I have a piece that I wrote that I am waiting to hear back on.

Lately I have been feeling out of sorts and I don’t mean this cold that I got. In Jan of 2013, I got myself refitted for my claddaugh ring. It was a writing reward to myself and all the hard work that I had done with my writing partner, starting this blog, and working with the AAS to help finagle the inner workings of their blog. It’s been more than a year and for that year I never took the ring off my finger. Now I find that I am leaving the ring off more and more. Granted part of the reason is that because of arthritis, my hand swells, making the ring uncomfortable. My weight has been stable so I know it is not because of gaining. But now I find myself losing interest in it like I have so many things lately. Today I looked at my hand and realized I wasn’t wearing it and almost panicked because I couldn’t remember the last time I did wear it. It is more than just a piece of jewelry to me. It is a piece of accomplishment and I feel like it is slipping off my finger, so to speak. All that I have worked for this past year just feels like it was all for nothing and I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know if it is because of the depression that I am under or if I am truly just a nothing, a nobody. I just feel lost again and am wondering if I will be found. Sure my blog is doing well. I watch the stats closely because I am a geek. Could it be better, probably. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about the ring on my finger that once meant something to me. Most days I don’t wear it. It fits, sometimes a little snuggly, sometimes a little loosely. Other times it is a tight fit. Guess you can say it all depends on my hand’s mood. When I do wear it, I hardly notice it. It has now become a part of me, a part that I am losing. And I am not sure I can get it back.

I know most of the feelings of being a nothing and a nobody is coming from my father. This week has been difficult because it is an anniversary week. I think this is the first time in 23 years that I have had to deal with my father in the same week. He is a toxic parent and I don’t know how to cope with it, even after all these years.

fearful bad thoughts will return

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

In a somewhat elated mood today. My blog views reached 18,000 today. That means 18,000 people have read my blog since it started in July 2012. Thank you all for reading!!

I had therapy today, again. I see my therapist twice a week, sometimes more if I am having a hard time. I don’t know how we got to twice a week but it did. At one point I was seeing her four times a week. But that hasn’t happened in a long time and mostly happens when I am in the throws of a suicidal crisis. I don’t remember what we talked about even though it was several hours ago. We talked about yesterday’s blog that I wrote. I told her it was garbage but she disagreed. She said that it reminded her of the works of Janina Fisher, the consultant that I think is bogus. She has a weird sense of what trauma is and thinks the self is made up of different parts. That I can believe. But this Fisher character also believes that my voices are not real, that they are just a “part of self”. If that were truly the case, then why does medication make them go away?? My therapist really believes the bullshit this therapist portrays. At first I was accepting but then things got really hairy in the consult appointment with her. I got really mad and expressed it, calling her stuff bullshit in the process.

The point I remember my therapist was making was that she was agreeing with what I wrote about the weird feeling about not feeling suicidal 24/7. She thinks that it is normal for me to feel this way because I have been suicidal for so long and what I wrote made sense. I wish I felt the same but I don’t. I fear that like my depressions, it will come back with a fierce blow. And who is to say that when it does, I don’t act on it? I know this is why I see my therapist twice a week, just as a sort of maintenance and stabilization. Plus, I have been seeing her so long more than once a week that it is weird when I see her less than that. But I am in unknown territory right now. Don’t get me wrong, I feel good that I am not suicidal but it is weird not planning my death or thinking about killing myself all the time. And weirder still, I don’t know what changed to make this happen. I think it is because I have more confidence in myself than I have in the past. But I am still fearful that the bad thoughts will return.

I also think we talked about my father for a bit and his anger issues. I have to deal with him next week as I got the lovely task of taking him the doctor yet again. He isn’t sick, just needs to meet his doctor because he (doctor) moved to a different location. I am not looking forward to it. And because of it, I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist because of it.

My ankle started feeling hurtful yesterday in a different way. It hurt when I bared weight on it in a spot I normally don’t feel pain. I thought the feeling was gone but soon as I got to the bus stop today it flared up as the bus was arriving. I then decided to get my coffee and do a little food shopping. BIG MISTAKE! I am hurting big time now. I am really kicking myself for doing such a stupid thing. It really annoys me because I wanted to take a shower today and didn’t before going out. Now I am really stinky and need a shower but I don’t think I can stand long enough to get the job done. I have to wait to see if the pain meds calm it down. I will hopefully take one before going to bed tonight. I don’t remember the last time I showered but I know it has been more than a few days time. I hate that I have to keep track of when I shower because my memory sucks lately. It also stinks that because I don’t go out every day, I don’t usually shower on days I don’t go out. It’s just that the depression gets the better of me and I just say fuck it. It costs me too much energy to shower and I just figure why bother. No one notices or comments about my bathing habits but me. So even though I say I stink, my family doesn’t notice it or just doesn’t say anything.

I still am feeling the lower level depression as I was the beginning of last week. I don’t know when it will end. I think it will when I get more sleep. I woke up around six thirty again this morning. I think I need to go to bed later but it’s so hard because by eight, I am exhausted and take my meds to go to sleep. I try to stay up but I get so sleepy.

In a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

In a foul mood

I woke up early yet again today. It seems that I am not destined to sleep past six in the morning anymore. I woke up with cramps in my foot so took some muscle relaxers. I was not happy. I am now cold and just so angry for some reason.

I played my game and now I think I am going to take a nap. Foot is being a bastard so I might as well pop some pain pills to make sure it doesn’t get worse. I am just so annoyed. For the first time in months I am thinking about dying again. I am not suicidal, just thinking about what it would be like if I were dead. I know I am headed toward the abyss. I have been trying to stave it off as long as possible. I had a good night last night with my Patriots winning their game. Now I just want to sleep. With any luck, maybe I just won’t wake up.

rambling 60

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I really have no gas today, despite waking up at the god awful hour of five. I had no reason to be up at this hour, other than a slight pain on my pinky toe. I must have had a blister on it or something and it dissipated but I am left with pain. Thank you nerve pain. You cannot tell me that my foot isn’t messed up with mixed nerve signals anymore. There is just so many random things that happen with it. One minute (or more than a few) it is ice cold, then next burning red hot. Other times it is throbbing like I bang it or something. I gave up trying to figure out what I do to make it hurt the way it does. If I stand it doesn’t hurt too much but then I don’t feel the pain right away so who knows. If I walk too much, I won’t know until the next day if I did too much. I just never know what it is going to be. And then I will have a day or two of no pain. Of it acting like my right foot except for the constant tickle that I feel everyday, which is manageable, I hardly know my foot is there.

But I do have to be protective of it. I have to make sure I don’t expose it to extreme temperatures, too hot or too cold and I am going to hurt. I give up. Yet I suffer either way. It just feels so hopeless. And I have become helpless. All I can do is take my pain medication. It is the only thing that helps me. No other medication has helped and I have been on several.

It looks like I might be in the clear with the menses situation. I hope so. I am starting to feel a lift in my mood and that usually changes when things stop. I hope so because if I have another suicidal attack I think I will act on it this time. I just am so tired of fighting it all the time. I know that will push my book back further but what choice do I have? I also know that attempting might mean a hospitalization longer than two weeks and mean that I might spend the holidays inpatient. Oh well, not like that hasn’t happened before. It will be 18 years since my last serious suicide attempt. I still remember it as if it was yesterday. But things were different back then than they are now. Treatment in the hospital is like an inpatient office visit than an actual helpful place. Your “team” meets with you for fifteen minutes and that is supposed to help you? So if you start feeling better to the nursing staff, and they feel you are not a threat, you go home. That is how is works now. No doctors making real decisions, sure they cover it so that it looks that way but it really isn’t.

I am not sure I want to go in the hospital with an attempt. They watch you closer than they do when you go in without one. And you get out quicker. I have yet to see someone attempt and be out in three days time. I am sure it happens but not at the place that I go.

Regarding my book, for those following my blog: I did one paragraph today and organized my ending a little bit. I want to get it to be at least eight pages long so I have four pages to go before that happens. I will work on it tomorrow, I hope. If my motivation comes. I have to see my pdoc tomorrow so maybe I can do some writing before hand.