Tag: hopelessness

essay written in 2004

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It all depends on the individual. The person has to admit they have a problem before treatment is going to sink in. It’s one of the hardest things to do is admit that you have a problem and are powerless to not give in to your impulse. I have done this many times when I feel suicidal. I know it’s not the same as narcotics, ETOH, or even nicotine, but there was a time that it was just as bad as any drug could be. AA helped to deal with it, I can’t explain how; it just did once I admitted to myself that one day I would die by my own hand. No amount of therapy or hospitalizations was going to help if I really wanted to die and no one could stop me if I absolutely wanted to. It’s a choice that I have struggled with for years and will continue to, but once I decided that I have to be here for my kids, it was either commit suicide or have them bear the pain of hurting them or to be there for them when they really need me. I chose to be there for them and even though at times it kills me to struggle through another depressive episode, I have to remind myself that the love that I have for them and them for me is greater than any pain the suicidal impulse has. I was read that it only takes ten minutes to kill yourself and if you wait those minutes out, chances are you will survive. It’s not easy, but once you make up your mind to do it or not, the choice is still yours. I have taken this approach to many things and it’s always work for me.
1-Feb-04
Depression wise, I can’t even begin to think about it. I have been working with my therapist about my past relationships. Until I got slammed with insomnia, pain, and another bout of depression. I told her Thursday that each episode is like the first time, you forget that you got past the last one. You know you did, don’t know how but you did and then you get stuck with another one and you think that you can’t go through it again or why bother. Yet I fucking do and I have no idea why. Actually that is not true. My nephew and my nieces are my reason. Sometimes I don’t think it’s enough and they would be better off. God, I have no idea when this nightmare will ever end. I was doing some research and there is a suicidal place in NY that studies post mortem suicides. Hell, if it would help, I would donate some brain samples today if it would end this feeling of wanting to end my life forever. Twenty years I have been struggling with this bullshit. Wasn’t easy coming up for air and it wasn’t easy asking for help but some how I beat the odds. There was a time that I thought there was a day that I knew I was going to end my life by my own hand. I no longer think I can do that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like wanting to. Human behavior is a funny thing. If it’s one thing that I learned is that no matter how much you study something, something unexpected happens.

February 4, 2004
I am again thinking that this is a struggle that I don’t think I can do again. Right now I feel so hopeless and worthless. I am thinking of going to the ER and talk with someone but what would be the point of that.

having a crappy crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

this is one of the few times I am not using word to type my blog before posting so if there are huge errors for the grammar police, I am sorry.

I have not done a single thing today. I was in bed for almost all of today. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I need a shower. I need to brush my teeth, but I just can’t do any of that. I am just so depressed. I got it in my head that I don’t need therapy anymore and I have been trying to “sell” it to my therapist who is far from buying it. I successfully cancelled my appointment with her for tomorrow only for her to uncancel it because I have suicidal thoughts. I thought up a beautiful plan while I was in bed, in agony. My foo/ankle has been bothering me since the night before and other than cutting it off with a sawzall, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I have been taking my pain medication around the clock and still have had no relief. So I started taking ativan too around the clock to try and make me chill. It has but I have not passed out like I was hoping to.

I am just sick of being in pain. No one knows because other than the four walls I trap myself in, no one else is around me that cares or listens to what I say. They still want me to go to the “top” doctor at this “top hospital” but I refuse because I am tired of seeing doctors. I am tired of them telling me (in an unspeaking code of course) you are fucked and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you. But I don’t care go back to your primary so he can load you up on pain meds and don’t come back to my office because I have nothing to offer you. Physically, there is nothing wrong with my ankle, foot, or leg. They just hurt for some reason unknown to any of the 20 or so doctors I have seen. I might be exaggerating a little but I have seen close to twenty, in all specialties, from neurologists, neurosurgeons, podiatrists, physiatrists, orthopedists, you name it. All tell me nothing is wrong and that three have said that I have complex regional pain syndrome. Which to me is a vague for saying I don’t fucking know but we’ll call it this. There is no real treatment for this condition. Physical therapy won’t help. acupuncture won’t help. so I am just stuck living with this fucking painful diagnosis.

So that is why today around 5 pm, I started thinking about taking my life and shared those thoughts with my therapist hoping she would give me the ok to go ahead with it. NOPE. I got a session out of it and I am not happy about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I am done talking. all the words in the dictionary have been used up over our 13 year relationship. and a few more words that we make up and swear about. Today in the text message she actually swore and told me “fuck that shit.” it was in relation to me telling her we had no session but she didn’t want to hear about it.

I am tired of living. I have a friend in South Africa that is terrified of losing me because he reads these awful blogs I write. but they are my escape. I feel better writing them than I do actually acting on my feelings for killing myself. I know what I write is horrible. Now one wants to read it, well go to another “happy blog”. this is what it is like living with suicidal thoughts and if you don’t like it too bad. I don’t write things that are hopeful because I am not a hopeful person. Things sucks in my life and I have no control over it but what I do have control over is writing about how I feel. So if you don’t like it, there is the door. Don’t let it hit you on your way out. I am tired of trying to keep these feeling inside all the time. It wears me out physically and mentally. I know a fellow blogger friend is in the throws of this horrendous condition we call like and would gladly take it away in a heartbeat. I feel bad for her because I can’t really help her. I can listen to her and I guess that helps. I hope it helps. I just wish there was something more I could do to really help her have better days. But we have each other to get us out of the darkness and it is helping. It is nice to help someone going through the same shit that you are going through.

I recently declared on Facebook that I am not going to be on it much anymore. I am tired of the stupid photos that say share this if you lost someone in heaven, or the ones that show puppy mills or beat up dogs half starved to death. I hate seeing that shit. Yes I lost someone in heaven but I don’t need a candle every day to remind me of that loss. I want to unfriend all those idiots about dogs and cats being tortured. but then I will get the “why did you delete me” and I want to tell them, because you are a fucking idiot that is why!! I have a friend that posts stupid jokes all the time and lately she just has been royally pissing me off so she is going to be the first to go. I can’t take stupidity in an agitated state. I just can’t.

Think I will be going back under my warm blankets to try an escape the world…

distress intolerance

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Tolerating distress

I have been in a bad mood for the past hour. I have been in wicked bad pain and it has me thinking of ending my life once again. It is after midnight my time and there is no one that I can really call that will really understand what it is I am going through. I tried reaching out to a few people but as it is a late hour, I got no where.

Then I thought about all the DBT bullshit that I have been through and thought I am doing this wrong. What if I am supposed to be feeling the distress as much as it is intolerateable? I don’t know if that is a word but it is the closest thing that I can think of to describe what I am feeling. The thinking is that if you tolerate the feelings you are better off. I am not sure how. Feeling this way sucks and all I want to do is get rid of it. I mean I am feeling this way only because my foot is killing me and there is nothing I can do except wait for the pain medication to kick in and give me some relief. Listening to my favorite playlist is helping me. I listened to Laura Branigan and her voice always soothes me. I thought about writing in my journal but I am not up to putting pen to paper just yet.

My AAS blog was just published and it started off with today I am in distress because I wanted to kill myself. Why am I still alive when I want so badly to be dead. I just can’t go through with it and it is killing me, being alive, and suffering so much. I know that if I were a dog or cat, I would have been let down already. Funny how we are more humane to animals than we are to humans. The reasons are many and I won’t get into it because I am just not sure it will help me calm down. Anytime I talk about hurting myself I get riled up. And when you throw in that humans suffer because it is, well, expected, it just pisses me off. Would you expect a person dying of cancer to suffer?? Or Parkinson’s disease or any other terminal illness? That is what irks me so much, I have a non-terminal illness and am expected to suffer and go about my life like it is not weighing me down. I hate being like this. I cannot tolerate it. So the hell with the distress intolerance bullshit. It is not helping me just making me wish that I was dead all the more.

Paranoid troubles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having a facial migraine all day. One side of my face is numb and tingling. I have had them before. They usually are caused by bright sunny days and being overtired. I have been up since very early this morning. I wanted to get my editing done on my book and get to Starbucks early to get a seat. I got there around eight-thirty this morning as I was up at seven. I got the migraine when I came home. I guess I am stressing about this book a little bit.

I’m getting tied up in the details and when I asked a friend about quoting she said it’s different than quoting for a paper or article. CRAP. I have to find out if I can use this information with consent or half my book goes bye-bye. Not helping my migraine today.

Then today as I was looking for my migraine medicine, I realized I have two packages of old birth control patches that I am never going to use. I called the pharmacy to find out what to do with them and they tell me to call my city for medication dump. Well, it’s too late now to call. I was annoyed because I was on hold for like five minutes but it felt longer than that because of this damn migraine. I just feel pressure all around me and I just can’t get a hold of myself. I hate feeling out of control. I don’t know what effect the migraine med and my anti-psychotic pill will have so I don’t want to mix the two right now. I just have to ride it out and I can’t tolerate it. I feel like I am being pulled into different directions. It’s not even eight o’clock yet and I am ready for bed, which I might do but am afraid I will wake up early in the morning again, but this time at two or three o’clock. I can’t win no matter how hard I try with sleep. My days of sleeping for more than 7 hrs straight are over.

It’s a terrible feeling being watched by an unknown entity. Thankfully the voices aren’t chiming in with banter or I would really be losing it. Not that I would harm myself, just feel like I need to be back in the hospital again or something for fear of losing control. Maybe this book is just too much for me. I am starting to have second thoughts about it. I already feel like it will suck anyways. My therapist keeps trying to tell me that my book will be good like my blog is but my blog is different. I can write what I want to without being censored, per se. And I can quote pretty well to promote that things are not my ideas, least I hope that comes across. Maybe I am just worrying about nothing. My friend wants me to contact my idol about his stuff and the Aeschi model that I wrote. I just have to find it and make it in a document that is readable to him and pray he has time to read it and consent and then me not have a heart attack if he says yea or nay. This is the big leagues and I don’t want to fuck up on my first book. I would be utterly devastated if I got sued or something for what I wrote. I am like totally paranoid, and possibly with good reason. I wish I had my therapy appointment tomorrow but I don’t. I had to cancel because I am seeing my PCP. My monthly pain management appointment. I know he just is going to comment about my weight again. I put on a few pounds while I was in the hospital, I know I did. I haven’t weighed myself because I am too scared. I hate myself for it but sometimes I have no control over my eating. I sometimes eat when I feel it and other times I don’t eat at all because I have no appetite. Such is the struggle with depression. You would think a medical professional would know this but they don’t. They just want you in their set guidelines of a healthy weight, which is ridiculous. Technically I should be 125, at the most, and I haven’t weighed that much since high school. Medication is to blame and my back and ankle issues. It’s hard to exercise when it hurts. I try to push through it but it always backfires on me. Like today after I came home, my sister asked me to pick up my niece. It was a good walk from my house and now I am hurting because of the hills in my area. I don’t do inclinations too well with my bad ankle and there was no other way to get to my house without going downhill, unless I wanted to walk another three blocks or so. I know I shouldn’t be complaining because other people have it worse than I do with CES. But being in chronic pain every day changes you. For two and half years I have had pain nearly every single day, all day on some level. It gets worse at night, part of the reason I wake up in the middle of the night. My doctor calls this “inactivity” while I call it trying to sleep!! Sometimes I really think he doesn’t get it when he says he does. Did I also mention that he stresses me out going to see him? I never know what new thing he will come up with about my ankle pain or what kind of doctor he will refer me to next. I won’t go. I am tired of seeing new doctors and they always tell me the same thing, nothing is wrong with my foot or they don’t know why I am having pain as there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle. I have seen them all and I am DONE. I just want my pain medication and just send me on my merry way. The end.