Tag: hopelessness

still inpatient

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

I got a scare this morning when the day shift staff kept on telling me i was gong to get discharged. After the bad weekend I had, I didn’t feel comfortable being let go today. I think it was just too soon. When I talked with my team, they agreed and I will be here another few days. I feel a little bit safer knowing that I am not being let go against my will.

My voice that I always talk to has come back. She was missing a little bit in action last night. I felt so lost without her. I have heard this voice for so long she is part of my thought process. I am not able to read or write without it.

I am feeling a little less paranoid now than I have in the few days. The perphenazine (trilafon) is working for me but it is knocking out all my voices. I hate that because it disrupts my thinking process and makes me more paranoid. I am hoping not to stay on a long term of this medication, I think once I get used to it, it might lessen things up.

I got my first suicidal impulses last night. I thought they were gone for a while because it has been almost three weeks since I have thoughts of killing myself, well active thoughts, not just passive thoughts. I really feel like I can live and have things go on the way they have been going and I am ok with it. I guess MLG’s letting it go has really helped me to let things go. I find that i am worrying less about things and she is not in the least mad at me that I am not writing about the project. She just wants me to get well. She sent me a nice email last night about how she thinks this could be a grief reaction to something regarding my transgender identity. She could be right but I am going through so much grief in other areas of my life that it is really hard to point to just one thing that has caused this psychotic break that I am experiencing.

Just for fun, I did four minutes on the exercise bike just to do something. I thought I was ok but my ankle is now hurting me more than anything. I am walking around with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic) on the unit just to give me extra support and to ease the pain as they are not giving my pain meds like I take them at home.

I just talked with my therapist and it was so good to hear her voice. I told her all my voices have been wiped out and am finding it hard to think. She felt relieved but is a little worried that I might not be functional.

Group is starting soon so I will stop here for now. If I am able to post later I will.

paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.

psychosis and songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, psychosis

I was chatting with a fellow blogger tonight about various things and one of the topics that came up was measures to fix the mental health system. 1) there needs to be more funding to keep existing programs open. 2) needs to be a better crisis response across all state hospitals or city hospitals so that people do not resort to suicide because they got left behind. People have the notion that inpatient hospitalizations are a cure all for all types of psychiatric ailments but what they don’t realize is that treatment hardly exists behind closed doors. Sure medication is dispensed but what is needed is therapy on the floors more than what the nursing staff can provide.

I have been struggling the past few days with psychosis and am wondering if I should be in the hospital. I was able to get a hold of my psychiatrist and she allowed me to take my old go to antipsychotic med that I like when nothing else seems to work. I just took it and I hope that it stops this song that is playing like a broken record in my head. The song is sirens by Pearl Jam. It is striking a chord with me a little too well and is “talking” to me, telling me that I should die. I don’t understand why this is happening, though it seems to be the course after every dissociative episode I face. I become purely psychotic after losing time.

I still am under black clouds. Listening to music is helping. I just wish the feeling like nothing would stop. And I still have the heaviness in my chest. The psychache is in full gear. I guess that is why the song is telling me to kill myself.

broken sleep and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

My manuscript was delivered earlier today, early enough that I could go out for my coffee. I had wanted to stay in today and just rest but I got restless. Now my ankle is screaming at me. I am stupid sometimes. I think I can just go through my routine of taking the bus and stuff when last night I woke up three thirty in the morning because of pain and then fell back to sleep at six. I woke up around ten-thirty. So I had broken sleep and pain to warn me not to go out today.

I didn’t know what to do with the manuscript so I just punched holes in it so I could place it in a binder. I took one look at it and got overwhelmed. But then I am getting overwhelmed with everything lately. I think I just got to stick with my blog as that is what makes me happy. I don’t know about this other project my friend has cooked up. I want to help her out and stuff but I think me working on my book and then her project is too much for me. And her piece is just as emotionally exhausting because it centers around my suicidality over the last few months.

I was in the middle of an email to her today as I was coming home when this guy who I can tell has mental issues just came up with me and started a conversation with me about clothing and buying t-shirts at Walgreens because they were cheaper than elsewhere. I was like ok. Then he kept on going on and on and I was like dude, I need to finish this. I had my headphones back in my ears, was looking down at my phone, and this guy was still trying to have a conversation with me. Shit. He was harmless and stuff but he kept on getting closer to me, invading my personal space with every new conversation so that is when I told him I had to finish the email…which by then I totally forgot what my train of thoughts were. That pissed me off. I hate it when someone interrupts me when I am writing. Even my phone decides to interrupt me soon as I open Word. It will be quiet the whole time I am on Facebook but soon as Word is open, texts and emails start coming in and I am like WTF. So now I just turn off the sound while I am working.

Speaking of working, my niece wanted to me to watch Cinderella with her but I had to get what I wrote up in Starbucks in a word document before I totally got exhausted and doped up on my pain meds. I knew the time it takes for the pain to get jacked up and I would have to take something is limited so wanted to get it done before I was in Dopey Land. When I told her I couldn’t because I had work to do, she yelled out, “you have a job”?? I told her yes, I do. I didn’t tell her what, as technically I don’t but I am sick of just saying that I am disabled. And I am a writer now so might as well use that title. But my mother was sitting right next to her and when my niece screamed out those words, my mother heard it, then asked me to clarify. I was like, oh shit! Now what do I say?? I can’t fib to my mother. So I just said that I had to type and made the typing motion with my fingers. No one knows what I do during the day. And it is not like I am getting paid to write my blog or my book or help my friend with her projects. They don’t know how many journals I have filled since being out of work. But my niece struck a cord with me, like I should be working but I am not. And it hurts. I still am dealing with the grief of not working and there goes my eight year old niece stating the obvious. I just feel like a loser.

I have to send my baby (laptop) back to Dell because of the high pitched noise. It is totally deafening my senses when it goes off and literally drives me berserk. It’s not too noticeable when I am playing music but when I am not, holy crap is it loud. And I can only hear it in my left ear because my right has high pitch deafness. The buzzing in my brain goes away when I block my left ear. I might have to use my older laptop until I send this one away but the thing weighs more than this one and gets hot after a while. I am just afraid that I might throw my back out while shuffling it around my bed.

I still have been under the blue moon. As I was walking home, I got struck with this heavy sadness that just froze my chest. It felt like this huge weight was on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I swear the black clouds are still following me around and I am starting to feel hopeless that they will ever go away again. I know it is that time of the year that I always get more depressed than my usual. It always starts mid-September and won’t relent until sometime in February. I call it baseball depressive disorder because it always co-insides with the end of baseball season and doesn’t relent until spring training. I just hate feeling this way because even though I know it will pass, I just don’t think it will. I start getting wicked hopeless and as that deepens, my sadness just gets worse. Then the suicidal feelings increase and by December I am wondering why I am continue to live when I promised myself it was all going to be over with. I might do it, just because. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I hate feeling trapped into living because of others. It is no way to live. But yet I continue my existence because of others, because that is the type of person I am. And I hate myself for it. I really do.