Tag: mental illness

Paranoia continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I am still feeling paranoid these days. I can’t shake it, even when I am alone in my room, I feel like someone is watching me. It fucking sucks. I went out today, in the freezing cold, to have a cup of coffee that I didn’t like. I don’t think the barista used the right reserve coffee. I drank it anyway because I spent money on it and plus, it is coffee. I should have had something to eat while at Starbucks as I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I feel like making popcorn for supper. I might after I write this blog.

I got a weird PM (private message) from a lady I didn’t know on Facebook today. She got my book and was excited to read it. I still have no idea who she is. I just replied “thank you”. She responded with an “no, thank you”. I didn’t think anymore of it until I was scrolling through my phone on FB and there was a pic of my book on a coffee table under the CES group that I am in. Now it made sense. I still don’t know the woman, she is in the UK, but I like that she bought my book and was showing it off.

I was annoyed with my therapist today. She thinks I should be in the hospital and I told her flat out, I wasn’t going to go. I am not in danger, per se. I think people are going to kill me and bomb the White House, but that isn’t grounds for admission. Have had way too many to know what gets you in and what doesn’t. She then said for me to get off my high horse, whatever that means. I wasn’t too coherent talking to her today. I felt really spacey. I felt like I was making sense but maybe I wasn’t. She is still trying to figure out what set me off about my delusions. She kept saying stress but I haven’t been under any type of stress in the past few weeks so there goes that theory. Sure, I have been dealing a lot with my father but then the delusions would be about him and they are not. I don’t know. I do know my psychiatrist is worried because she hardly ever emails me asking if I am going ok. I emailed her today saying I was still paranoid. I don’t know why I am being watched. It is most unsettling. It would be worse if I was in the hospital, where I would be watched and checked on, every fifteen minutes or so. I would ask my psychiatrist but what she thinks but I don’t think I would like the answer very much. As long as I am not having command hallucinations, I think I am ok. I will take the abilify tonight, even though it is my “off” night (I take it every other day because of side effects). I am questioning whether going every other night is the reason why I am having symptoms. Though the last few weeks have been horrendous. It has been one roller coaster, that is for sure.

I can’t wait to get paid next week so I can get ingredients for some cookies I want to bake. Maybe that is what is stressing me out. Being broke all the time. It’s so rough living on disability and not working to have a little income every week. Being paid monthly is brutal. I don’t know how people do it. I have been on disability for almost two and half years. It wears me out. And now that the end of the month is coming to an end, I need to make a decision as to whether to renew my monthly T-pass or just pay as I go. If I put $20 on my card, it usually lasts me the month, but now that I have to see my father every week and see my psychiatrist again, the price of traveling has gone up. So maybe paying the $29/month won’t be so bad. Least I know I will be using it and then I don’t have to worry about running out of money the end of the month.

I am in bed, partly under the covers, with a sweatshirt on and I am still fucking cold. IN THE HOUSE! WTF. I don’t understand why the heat hasn’t kicked on. It’s like 15 degrees out, with the stupid windchill. I’d put more clothes on but I don’t want to get hot when the heat kicks on, whenever that maybe. I feel like taking a nap. I have been up since 8 and I really could use one. But it’s getting late and if I sleep now, I might be up all night. It’s always dicey when I want to take a nap.

I really don’t want to go to my father’s tomorrow but I have to refill his meds and take him for his blood work. He has been needed his blood work done for a while now but the weather has been so poor, it has been impossible to take him. Now that the weather is nicer, I have to take him. I just hope the lab orders are still good.

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.

Response paper for Building a therapeutic alliance with suicidal patients

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Response paper for Building a therapeutic alliance with suicidal patients.

This book is a work of genius among the top suicidologists in the U.S. and Europe. These people actually want to help suicidal people get better and try to make their life worth living. Like most of Drs. David Jobes and Konrad Michal work, they have done an excellent review of the literature and made the book easy to read without a lot of psychological jargon. This book should be used as a handbook for anyone dealing with suicidal individuals. As someone who has been through many suicidal episodes with many different therapists, this book is groundbreaking. It lists his classic work of CAMS (collaborating and managing suicidality) which is a tried and true way of dealing with lethal suicidality in an outpatient setting. The other evidence based therapists will enhance therapy around this work.
The Chapters are broken down easy enough and progress from good to bad in my opinion, of the treatments that work. The conclusion was brilliant by Dr. Jobes. He has stated with clarity the hardships that are faced with suicidality such as the IRB approvals for research, clinicians wanting to work with this population, and the need to try and keep these people in therapy.

fatigue day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I finally mailed out my books for my review today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks today but for some reason, I was really tired. I remember reading a fellow blogger’s blog about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She wrote that she could walk up a flight of stairs and be totally winded. That was me today. I had walked only a few houses down the street when I realized I left one of the books at home. So I went back to the house. I was already feeling fatigued before leaving the house. I really didn’t want to go out today but I forced myself to. So I came home and walked up two flights of stairs to my room. I was so out of breath by the time I reached the top that I had to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. And I was panting very heavily. I climb these stairs every day and I don’t know why I was so winded today. It was really odd. I then proceeded down the stairs, going carefully as not to knock the breath out of me again. I walked the block and half to the post office and I was just completely weak at this point. I was standing, being waited on by the postal person, and my legs started shaking. I felt like I couldn’t support myself. It was really bizarre as this has never happened before. And like the blogger, I know that if I go to the docs, they are just going to say that I am out of shape. I am more than overweight, borderline morbid obese so that is what they will say. Lose weight and I won’t have a problem. But just now, I climbed the stairs and had no difficulty. I am not terribly out of breath like I was earlier this afternoon. It is so weird how sometimes I am and other times I am not.

Other than this experience, my day went fairly well. Though I seriously have to start writing again if I want to do a second book. I formatted what I had and it came to 30 pages. Not enough to really even have a book. Thing is, I don’t know what to fucking write. I am not that creative like I was. Just writing the story of the brick wall was torture just to get it to three pages. And then I combined three blogs about my antipsychotic pill to make a few pages. That is all I got. I know there is more in me, I just can’t find it. I am so depressed lately and out of sorts that I just can’t concentrate. I need to be at Starbucks and being around people again. To take me out of my house where I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep.

My mother gave me a look when the groceries were delivered. She thinks she doesn’t buy “food”. She does, but I desperately needed my stuff that she doesn’t buy, like my teas, lemonade, steak, etc. She also doesn’t buy bottled water, which I like. I will drink tap only if I have to, but usually I will mix it with the lemonade or iced tea mix. I am kind of bummed that they were out of stock on hamburger rolls. Now I will have to wait to make my Manwich. I usually make it then eat it over a couple of days. I am the only one that likes it.

My voices are back, full time again. It is weird because I took the abilify last night and you would think they wouldn’t come back, but they did. I still don’t feel like myself, though. It’s hard to explain. I got a buzzing going on in my head and I don’t know if that is good or not. I know that things are slower, my thoughts are slower. I am moving my normal speed and stuff, but I feel retarded. Like when I was walking to the post office today. Every step felt like I was walking in mud. And my breathing reflected the labor. My back acted up while I was putting the groceries away. I couldn’t stand and walk too long. It really sucked. And I was walking at a deliberate pace from the stairwell to the kitchen. Not a far walk but it still cramped up my back. I have been trying to stay hydrated the past few days to see if that helped with my cramping and it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am getting mid-back spasms. I am not doing anything strenuous.

I need to shower sometime before I go to bed tonight. I am sweaty from my labors today and I leaked. Always fun to smell urine and then realize it is you and not someone else. I don’t understand how I can be leaking when I really haven’t been peeing that much. It drives me crazy. Thanks CES for messing up my life!