Tag: mental illness

Ankle Chronicles 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

area of pain

Ankle Chronicles 7

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that the pain that I have been feeling is causing the suicidal thoughts to come back, though in passing, nothing concrete. She wants me to call her if they stick around. I told her I would.

This pain has been going on since Labor Day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I am in pain. Going up and down stairs is the worst. I finally had enough. I called uncle. So I will be seeing an ankle fellow in a couple of weeks because the head honcho doesn’t have any openings until December. This will be doctor number 14 that I will see for the same problem. Luckily, all my records are in the same system so I don’t have to carry around different records with me from different places. I might have to collect records from the podiatrist I saw, but we’ll see on that. I just know that I am in pain, nearly 24/7. And it is draining me. The past week I have been so miserable I don’t want to go out. And if I do go out, I want to go back home and soon. I need to keep my foot elevated to make it happy. But even that isn’t making it happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do except to keep on taking pain medication. And even that is losing its effectiveness.

I am seriously losing my mind over this pain in my ankle. It’s right below the bone on the outside. I forget the name of the bone and I am too lazy to google it. My PCP says it is a tendon. I know it’s a tendon. I have been dealing with this pain for a LONG time now. I know it’s the peroneous tendon and possibly, muscles, too. I don’t care what the names are. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t want an injection of cortisone because I believe that it damages tendons more than it helps them shrink. I will NOT have another nerve block in that ankle because when it wore off, I was in agony for three whole days. I won’t go through that again.

I told my psychiatrist I was seeing a fellow rather than the chief and also a smartass remark. She came back with a “calm down”. How can I calm down when the very act of walking is being taken away from me?? Really?? I can’t go anywhere unless I walk. Down the stairs, up the stairs, go to the store, the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Each of these activities causes me huge amounts of pain, the stairs being the worst pain. I have to make conscious effort to hold my foot upright while going down the stairs and the same effort going back up. It’s DRAINING!!!! I have no more mental spoons or physical spoons to do anything else, like brush my teeth or shower. I got a haircut today and needed to shower but couldn’t so I just washed my hair. That hurt more than the shower would have. I don’t think my psychiatrist knows where I am coming from. Maybe she is tired of hearing me complain about my pain. It has been going on for three years now. I bet that is it. People are just so damn tired of me complaining about my ankle.

And I have a reunion to go to on Sunday. HOLY FUCK, I AM FUCKED. I will most likely be standing most of the time. SHIT! I didn’t think about this until now. I will have to wear my dreaded brace. It won’t help 100% but it will help some. I will be sore as hell after and possibly the rest of the week. Good thing I have nothing planned. I really want to see my old coworkers. They are the best bunch of people to know. I will carry with me my little book so that I can get their addresses to send them Christmas cards.

I am suicidal because mentally I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. It has gone on too long. I really need to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. Otherwise, I am going to go another night of no pain meds. I just wish I had the fucking energy to get them. I would have someone else go, but you need an ID to get the meds. Just great. I have to go. I guess I will stop complaining about my ankle for another day.

missed meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

here is a blog that i think all of us can relate to:

http://www.mentalparent.com/mental-illness/missed-meds#.VBigf44pDFp

ramble 628

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I had therapy today. I have to say that this new development has my therapist’s curiosity piqued. We tried talking about it today but there was nothing new. Things have settled down some and I think I am back to being “me” again. She didn’t have a chance to read the letter I wrote her last night. I just told her the contents and thankfully, I didn’t have to read it to her.

Though it is still early for the poll to close, the majority of people that voted (9) wants me to continue this blog. So I will write every day, even if I don’t feel like. But there maybe some days that I am unable to write. Tomorrow is one of those days. I am hoping that the stress of the day won’t stir things up. I have my father’s appointment in the morning. I hope the doc is on time or close to it, as last time we were there almost all morning. Granted my father was late getting there so that didn’t help matters. If we manage to get out before 12 I will go to my second home (Starbucks) and also will be bringing my laptop so I can blog, possibly, or write in my journal. I have slightly given up on the short story collection book that I have been working on. I found out they don’t do well. I still haven’t heard from the agent. It has been a little more than a week now. I am half expecting an email saying “sorry not interested” or something to that effect. I have 3.5 weeks left to know of an interest.

Funny thing is, I don’t think I have told my therapist this bit of information, LOL. Since we have been dealing with the DID stuff, I really have time to tell her or mention it. I guess if something happens by chance and I do get an agent, then I will let her know.

I have to take a shower today. Thing is I don’t want to because my ankle is acting up. I took some pain meds so if it calms down enough and I have a window of no pain, I will try and take advantage and shower. That is how my life has become. Usually taking it in the morning is better than during the day or evening. But sometimes if I take a morning shower, it drains me and I won’t be able to do anything the rest of the day. And tomorrow I need all my spoons with me so no shower. It has to be tonight at the latest.

I was singing to one of the Luke Bryan songs on my MP3. I was just mouthing the words because I know my mother wouldn’t be able to hear me anyways. She now thinks I am “happy”. She also bitched that I don’t help her around the house. Well, I got a bad ankle so I can’t do much. She said she was “lazy” and doesn’t know why. I can tell her why but she wouldn’t like it. She is overweight and depressed. And for someone that has COPD, that isn’t good. But does she do anything about it? NOOOOO. She also is in chronic pain with her knees and back. Does she take something for it? Nope. Not even so much as an aspirin. Fucking kills me that she is so stubborn. There are medications out there to help her and she just doesn’t want to be on them. I can understand. I was there where she was. But I wouldn’t be able to function, at all, if I didn’t take the pills I take, including my psych meds. Sure, I have problems paying for my meds, everyone does, but she also has diabetes and her insulin is ridiculously expensive. It pisses me off that her test strips are free but her insulin costs an arm and a leg. She needs her insulin more than she needs the test strips!

Today is National World Suicide Prevention Day. One of my groups, the depression and chronic illness one, a woman was saying all she thought about was suicide 100%. I gave her the suicide number to call as well as the text number in case she felt more comfortable with that. I then find out through one of the admins that we lost two group members through suicide the past two weeks. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force them to drink.

It is weird that a month ago, I was wallowing in the depths of suicidal depression and it wasn’t until I started back on an antidepressant that I started feeling better. I still was suicidal during the first few weeks, and especially after Robin Williams died. I remember writing to my writing partner, saying it was my turn now. I was in the hospital so there was no way I could try. And after I left, I found I didn’t want to try. I still had the ideas in my head, but the motive behind them were not as strong as they were the first couple of weeks in the hospital. So even though I didn’t get the support I wanted, the hospital did do something.

two shots of gin

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

Two shots of gin

The bottle of Beefeater gin was staring at me all day. So I had a few shots. I know it wasn’t the smartest thing I have done but since I left the hospital, I have been thirsty for an adult beverage. Today my pain isn’t bad, so I don’t have to worry about mixing the alcohol with my pain meds.

I did something good today. I walked 1.2 miles. The first time I ever walked that distance. I am pretty sore but I will be resting tomorrow. My foot wanted to turn the more fatigued I got so it is hurting and feels like I have a blister forming. I don’t know. There is nothing there right now but might be there in the morning. My foot is also swollen so I really have to be off my feet for the next 24 hours. I then found out that the temp today was 90 degrees. No wonder I was a sweaty mess. I didn’t think it was that hot but damn, what a stupid thing I did. Oh well.

I got my editing done on the short story piece that I am working on for my next book. My book is now 50% done. I just need to edit a few blog entries and it will be ready for publication soon. I was on a writer’s website today and they said that short story collections don’t sell well. I was bummed but I am going to put one out just the same. It can’t do worse than my book. It is going to be a risk, but I think this time, I am going to market my book better than my first one. If it doesn’t sell, I will pull it.

I also took a chance on the same writing website by trying to get an agent. I sent a query, which I have never done before. I will know in 1-4 weeks if she will accept my book. If I get a different publisher, it will be great. Maybe I will also get more publicity for my book, which will mean more sales, hopefully. I told my writing partner but haven’t heard anything back from her yet.

Other than being exhausted from my little hike I took today, I am feeling okay. My foot is hurting but that is my normal pain. I am nervous about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It is all about the transgender piece that I wrote. She might go off and I will have to hear her rant all session about how I should go to the next step in my transition. That will be painful. And once she starts, it is so damn hard to shut her up. I might be able to change the subject, if I am able to get a word in edge wise. I just want her opinion on the article and see what she thinks about it. I don’t want to talk more about it than that. Maybe she will cancel on me…

I have been listening to the radio most of the day today. I can’t tell you how many times they play the same songs every four hours. I don’t listen to repeats on my MP3 player so even though listening to new country music was refreshing, listening to my favorite songs that I had on mp3 more than once was killing the song. I have listened to the songs over and over so I know every word to the song but usually I like to listen to the song once a day and that is all. I get my fix. If I want to hear it again because it is stuck in my head, that is a different story. I think the radio kills so many good songs because they just play them over and over again. Pisses me off. I finally shut the radio off just now because they were playing “banjo” by Rascal Flatts. I can’t stand that song! It just annoys me. Nothing to do with them playing the song over and over again, it is just that I like ballads from the Flatts boys.

I couldn’t remember if I took my blood pressure medication this morning or not. This morning was kind of rough. I woke up around 0630 due to a bad dream. I had taken a bunch of Neurontin to quiet the nerve pain that I have been feeling all day yesterday so I was kind of out of it when I woke up. It took a cup of coffee and some breakfast to get my brain back in working order. I think I took them before making breakfast but I am not sure. I would count the pills but I mixed my old script with the new one so I really don’t have a correct pill count. So if I missed taking them this morning, oops. I hate taking pills in the morning. I really like to take them around noon when I am somewhat more awake. But I am still sort of on hospital schedule for meds. I am trying to break out of it but I keep failing at it. Because of my sleep difficulties, I have been trying to go to sleep later but take my meds around 8 PM. Doesn’t always work out that way but I try. This way I am asleep, hopefully by 9 or 10 PM. Only trouble with this line of reasoning is that I wake up around midnight or one in the morning. Fucking sucks. That is what happened last night. I woke up at one because of a stupid crazy dream and decided to take Neurontin to get back to sleep. I was expecting to sleep most of the day but I woke up instead at 0630 due to another crazy ass dream. And I can’t even recall it now. I wrote down the other dream in my journal as I wrote before the meds knocked me out. So because I didn’t sleep more than eight hours, I was kind of foggy this morning. No, I didn’t take the meds to harm myself. I have taken large doses of Neurontin before so I know the drug well. Only side effect other than being foggy is an appetite of a horse. Though my appetite has been okay for the most part today. I will probably get the hungry horrors tomorrow.