Tag: mental illness

home, Finally

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Home, Finally

It has been a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking my pain meds. Despite feeling suicidal and having a crappy day yesterday, I was able to get discharged from the treatment team. To my surprise, they didn’t even ask if I was ready to go, they basically said I was going. I wanted to go home too.

I texted my cousin and she picked me up after lunch. It was really muggy out. We had to walk to the security building so I could get my wallet as I had it locked up when I got admitted. I didn’t want to risk someone stealing my money or credit cards. The floor gave me the wrong copy to retrieve it so they had to send someone with the right copy. We didn’t hit any traffic until we got to my main street. There was construction so there was backup. Taking the bus tomorrow is going to be fun.

I brought my mail and stuff up to my room and put the AC on soon as I settled down. It was quite hot in my room. I didn’t check the temp because I knew it was going to be high. I fiddled with Twitter and then I got some really sad news. The lead singer in my favorite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide. I was crushed. He was my age. The band just came out with a new album a few months ago and was set to start off a tour. It’s awful, so awful. I started tweeting out the suicide hotline and crisis text support number. One of my friends who I talked to this morning, messaged me to see if I heard. I told him I did and he came out with a meme. I asked him how he was doing as he liked the band as well. We were exchanging lyrics with the new album when it came out. I feel so devastated that there is not going to be anymore new music. Now I know how Nirvana fans felt when Kurt Cobain died.

I had a lot to eat today and my stomach is paying the price for it. I think the combination of the new med and Neurontin is sending my appetite into overdrive. All I want to do is eat. I hope now that I am home, I won’t be so hungry all the time as I will be back to my own routine, though having to make myself food every day is going to suck. But I rather make my own than be in the hospital.

I am so tired. Think I am going to go to bed early. Ankle is already starting to act up on me. Hope this isn’t going to be a long night. I see my psych tomorrow. I didn’t cancel the appt though I did want to. It’s going to be as hot tomorrow as it is today. Yuck.

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

My rough day continues. I made my coffee and then started preparing for the sauce/dirty gravy. I went to Walgreens for my scripts, leaving my coffee behind. It was still hot by the time I came back. I prepared the garlic, put oil in the pot, and then added the garlic. While that was going on, I tried opening the cans of tomatoes. I forgot the can opener was broken. I had to go back to Walgreens to buy a new one. By this time, the mugginess had gotten worse after the rain. I was a hot mess by the time I came back to the kitchen. I was out of spoons and I didn’t even start what I set out to do.

I sat down and rested for a few minutes, trying to drink my coffee. I had shut off the gas to the pan so I didn’t have to worry about burning the garlic. I still had my sneakers on as I didn’t want to go up to my room to take them off. After a while, my little toe on my good foot started hurting. Fucking A. I took them off, but left them by the stairs.

I opened the cans of tomatoes after the garlic browned a bit. Then I put them in the pan. Then I added a can and half of water. I also started putting in my spices and pepper. I added a half teaspoon of sugar and then stirred. I let it come to a boil. Next was to cook the beef. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the sauce to cook first. It would still taste the same. I cooked the beef, breaking it into little pieces as it cooked. Then the tomatoes came to a boil and I let it boil for about five minutes. In between, I was sitting down, resting my ankle. I had my music playing.

The beef was cooked and then I simmered the sauce on low heat. It was already starting to smell so good. I love the smell of gravy. Hint to anyone that makes candles, the scent would be awesome as a candle!! It just means home to me. I was letting the sauce cook as the beef was cooling. After about an hour, I put the beef into the sauce. I waited another 45 minutes or so and then it was done. Time to cook the pasta!

I made penne pasta and had two bowls. It was so good! Then I went up to my room to freeze my ass off. I was dead tired. A friend of mine started texting me so I talked with her for a bit. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and took a nap. Now I am feeling MORE tired and weak. I absolutely have no energy left to put the gravy away in containers or clean up. My mother made a salad for suppah. Guess she didn’t want to cook. It’s so hot in the kitchen. Least with me going in the hosp, I will be surrounded by AC. I will bring my long sleeve shirt with me just in case I get cold but I love the cold anyway.

For some reason, my good foot is hurting me. It’s throbbing really bad. I thought sleeping would make it better but it didn’t. I took some Advil hoping that will calm whatever it is down. I might have slightly twisted it while walking in the rain this morning. I need to get new sneakers that are more supportive and comfortable. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow. I am sure cooking for a few hours didn’t help it.

rough morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough morning

I had a decent sleep but I can’t seem to get going. I went to Walgreens to fill my scripts and that just sucked whatever energy I had. It was pouring when I left the store and I didn’t bring an umbrella. Oh well. The rain was cool and refreshing but I had to walk fast so I didn’t get soaked.

I came home and wanted to get started on the gravy but I just don’t feel up to it right now. My ankle is throbbing. Think I will wait till the pain meds work before I am on my feet getting things ready.

Some idiot is doing some kind of work with a high pitch drill or some other power tool. It is annoying me so bad. I can forget about trying to nap. I’m feeling so worn down. It’s really depressing me. Great. The noise has stopped but the damn birds are chirping.

I have told my groups and some friends that I will be going in the hospital tomorrow. I need to leave early, before my mother gets up, so that I can leave without too much trouble or questions. I have charged all of my electronics and placed my cords for them in my backpack. I also packed one of my favorite Starbucks mugs so that I can use that rather than the hospital cups. I mostly just use it for juice. I mix orange and cranberry to make a punch. I like it. I can’t carry my powerades because it’s too heavy. I am taking one bottle though.

I need to go through my coloring books because they are heavy for some reason and I don’t want my back to be hurting me while I am in there. I packed a suitcase for my clothes and a backpack for books and cords and stuff. It’s been packed for months now because I was supposed to go in Feb, then March but one thing or another prevented me from going. I just hope my foot isn’t in severe pain like it was a few weeks ago. I would have gone in then.

I usually have at least one hospitalization a year. It has been that way since I was a teenager. It gives me a respite and a break while also giving me some routine to the day. I sometimes follow the same routine when I get discharged. Only thing is, I take more naps while in because the meds make me sleepy or I am just bored. Weekends are horrible because there are no groups or anything. Just a bunch of free time. I don’t think I will have any visitors. I usually don’t. I don’t have my family visit because it just annoys me, especially when my mother comes. She asks a million questions and then tries to get answers from the staff. I don’t let her visit. This is why I usually pack everything I can so I don’t have to bother my sister with it.

I might be able to get one of my cousins to take me home when I get discharged. If not, I will just take the T (public transportation). I have done it before, even though it’s a pain in the ass. Getting to the ED won’t be a problem but getting home usually is because it’s farther west of Boston, which means more bus and train rides.

I really don’t want to do anything today. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate it when I more tired than when I went to bed. I had slept good so I should be more awake. Maybe I will make some coffee and that will perk me up some. The rain has cooled off but it’s still muggy in the house. Going to be fun being in the kitchen making the sauce.

I hate summer

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I hate summer

Today was a hot typical summer day. I hate it. I hate sweating. But I had to go out for therapy. I went to Starbucks first to get my espresso and some breakfast/lunch. I wrote in my journal to pass the time. It was freezing in Starbucks but I didn’t mind. It was better than outside. It was muggy, which was good when I left to go to my therapist’s office. I hate his waiting room because it’s stuffy. The AC was on but not high enough for me.

I talked to him about going in the hospital. He wanted me to think about if there was a way I could have the elements of the hospital without going in. I don’t think so. The hospital has always been my safety net when things are rough. He wasn’t for or against it. We moved on and he started picking at his nails. I am going to bring a nail clipper the next session. It was good to talk to him but I am feeling like going in the hospital would be a good idea. I will probably go in Wed. I had my mother take out the ground beef so I could make my gravy. I’ll do that tomorrow.

I came home and the house was just disgustingly hot and muggy. I think it was cooler outside. My shirt was stuck on me that I had a hard time taking it off for a dryer one. I thought about a shower but my ankle would have divorced me. It didn’t like me for some reason. I didn’t do anything more than I normally do on a Monday. But I think the heat makes my pain worse. It’s supposed to be really muggy tomorrow so making a sauce is going to be so much fun. I will put in fresh basil from the garden. I love making it. It’s one of the few things I am good at.

I just emailed my psych to let her know I will be going in on Wed. and to let her know about what my therapist thinks about it, which is nothing useful. I told her I think talking to a turnip would be better. Least she will laugh. I just need to come up with an excuse to tell my mother about going in. Thing I HATE getting asked when I go in is “why now?”, like you aren’t being admitted unless you answer this question because yesterday you were ok and now you aren’t. Fucking assholes. I need to go in because I feel it’s in my best interest, you dumbfuck, unless you want me to suicide. That can be arranged. Seriously don’t know who comes up with these stigmatizing questions.

I am hoping that I can get both of my pain meds during the admission, if I need it. I definitely need my regular pain med or I will go through withdrawal which won’t be nice. I experienced that once and that was enough for me.

I got my cell bill today and it’s $4 more this month than last. All because of stupid administration fee, whatever the fuck that is. Unreal. My cable bill unexpectedly went up $8 so I am dishing more for something I don’t even use. Only time I watch TV/cable is when I want to watch a baseball game. Other than that, I can care less. My mother watches her shows so I mostly just pay to keep her happy as she pays my internet. Guess it’s a trade off.

I’m glad I am in my AC’d room cooling off. I lowered the temp on the AC to freezing. It’s funny, I love being cold in the summer but don’t care for it during the winter. I think it’s a different kind of cold, though I prefer being cold than having my room be a sauna like it was last winter. I needed my window open to let the cold air in. And when I put on long sleeves, my mother wanted to turn up the heat. NO THANKS! I’m good.