Tag: mental pain

question of interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Interest

I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.

Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.

Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.

new coffee and ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders

I made it to my Starbucks and ordered a new coffee, Isla Flores from Indonesia. As long as it keeps me awake, it will do it’s job. It tastes really good so I am glad I got it iced.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day. I don’t remember if I had therapy I was so sleepy. I didn’t sleep too good the night before. I feel asleep around 2200 and then woke up at 0200. Stayed awake till 0400 when some moron called me at 0821 and then again at 0921. I was pissed because it was an unknown called. I wouldn’t mind the wake up call but I was in the middle of a dream and if left me feeling really sleepy. I think my therapist called two hours later and I know I feel asleep until 2pmish. I stayed up enough to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and after that I think I went back to bed. No writing, no journaling, just sleep.

Today I am feeling a little bit hungover from sleeping so much but at least I am out. I plan on working on my book long as the coffee and sandwiches hold out. Though I am tempted to go to McD’s and get another cheeseburger for dinner. Maybe I will…but not now. I need to do write this blog.

The group went ok even though I still am on suicidal watch with my therapist. I just got so upset I told her anything that would get her off the phone. I was so tired so she didn’t believe me. Figures. I really hate my life and I want so badly to end it. Sunday is my father’s birthday so I guess I can’t do it this weekend even though I should. That would send him a message but he is probably too stupid to realize it. Today is my fiend’s Ivan’s birthday. I don’t know if I should call him as we don’t really have a policy of calling one another on each other’s birthday. But I bet it would surprise him.

I wrote my vocabulary of suicide the other day and posted it. It got a few hits. I don’t know why I can’t be writing like I used to be. I just am so tired lately that I can’t think. All I can do is play my internet games and then go to sleep. My mother said that I should get a job as it would get me up. But I can’t work right now. I don’t have the patience to go find a job nor do I think I can handle the pressure of work right now. I know it’s been almost a year since I have been out of work but I am still afraid that I will have a set back and want to kill myself more than I do now. Plus it would cause trouble and I might lose my insurance from my old job if I do.

As I am listening to Starbucks, a new Mary Chapin Carpenter song comes on the radio. This makes me happy. I love MCC. I am going to see her in May with Shawn Colvin, who I don’t like as much. But Mary Chapin is the only artist that I can hear when I am in a bad mood and feel better afterwards. She has such a soothing voice. I wonder if her voice sounds the same in real life. I always wanted to meet her. I would die if I ever did, but I wonder what it would be like meeting with her in person. I think I would be so filled with awe in would take me few minutes or more to compose myself.

I have to buy dress clothes next week for a wedding as nothing fits me anymore. I figure I will buy some Dockers and a new dress shirt. Black and blue shirt should do fine. I wish my chest binder would be here by then but it won’t come in until after April 10th. I hope the weather is warmer by this wedding and there is no snow. We have had too much this winter but then we didn’t get any last winter so it’s a trade off. I can’t believe my little first cousin is getting married. Though she is almost 30 years old, I still think of her as my little cousin. They grow up so fast.

I cleaned out my DVR recording of old Criminal minds episodes that I have already seen. I don’t know why I have gotten out of sync with the show. I just stopped watching it after the 6th season and can’t seem to get back into it. I guess after Haley died and Hotchner felt that huge loss, I did too. Plus the show just got weirder and if people are really out there doing this stuff it scares me. Sometimes the line between fact and fiction can be so blurred.

vocabulary of suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Suicidal words

Hopelessness, psychache, lethality, perceived burdensomeness, thwarted belongingness, press, perturbation, fearlessness and competence.

These words encompass suicidality. It has been shown that most of the people that are suicidal feel this way and then act on the pressure of these feelings and commit and act of suicide. When someone feels all of these at once, it is a terrible feeling. Some people might only feel a few of these things and still be suicidal. Some people will feel these things and just be depressed.

Hopelessness, the feeling of being lost in hope, that nothing is ever going to change, that things will always be the same no matter what.

Psychache is defined as despair, anguish, hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, and psychological pain one feels. It is like pain in the heart that no one else can feel. Your heart feels heavy and you feel like a burden because of it. Nothing soothes this pain. No medication can touch it. And suicide seems like the only answer for this type of pain and anguish.

Lethality, the degree to which someone is at risk for suicide. Whether it be a loaded gun or a few bottle of pills or some cuts on the wrist. This is what determines how suicidal a person is and how they are going to act. If the risk is high and eminent, involuntary hospitalization is called for. If the risk is low, then more contact is need and assessment at every visit.

Perceived burdensomeness, the idea that you are a burden to those around you but in reality you are not,

Thwarted belongingness, the idea that you don’t belong anywhere and feel the need to belong somewhere. It is a very awkward and lonely place that hurts very badly. Everyone wants to feel like they belong somewhere or to something and when that need is not met, they feel detached and alone.

Press, similar to stress. It is as if the building of the press is similar to the pressure of a volcano ready to explode. It can lead to further perturbation and make things worse.

Perturbation, the need to feel or do something to ease the pressure and anguish and despair they are feeling and to feel better. It can lead to want to do something but the idea is that you need to do something to relieve the pressure of the feelings on your chest.

Fearlessness, the absence of fear. In this regard, it means that people may be fearless when trying to take their life, like a type of Russian roulette.

Competence, the meaning is the level of competence to carry out the means for their suicidal plan. Examples include rope for hanging, gun handling and shooting, knowledge of drugs, etc. High competency is a high risk factor.

All these elements can lead to a suicidal crisis. It is imperative that these elements be asked about on a consistent basis. Talking about the pressures of work or home life is important. If someone is saying they are a burden and wish they were dead is a huge tip off that something is going on and the elements I have just described are in full play. All of the elements depending on their degree, is an important indicator of how suicidal a person is. Merely asking about being suicidal is NOT enough as most suicidal individuals fear hospitalization or a thwarting of their plans and therefore will not be honest about their intention to commit suicide.

copyrighted 2013, Collerone, G

ramblings 33

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Been thinking back on the past to write my book. I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing that I can’t remember the last few years at all. I remember some stuff but I don’t remember what classes I was taking at the time all this stuff was happening. What was going on at work. How I truly felt about things. My therapist has my journals at that time frame I am writing about now but there is no way I can go out and get them. I suppose I could go out Tuesday if I wake up early enough. It would be good to take the long drive. I miss being on the road but I just can’t afford a vehicle right now.

Today has been productive as I wrote a few pages about my past. It was difficult because as I said I don’t remember what I was feeling and I was trying to capture it again. I tried my best to write what I do remember and how quirky my therapist was.

I’m bored because the baseball game is not on until tonight. I was hoping for a 1 pm game. Just something to pass the time but all I can do is play my games. I could try cleaning my room but it is too overwhelming for me. Yesterday I slept all day. I had coffee today so I am pretty wired. I guess I could rearrange my bookcase and see where that gets me. I want to go out but it’s cold out. And I just don’t feel like getting dressed. Plus my stomach isn’t feeling too good so to avoid an accident, I think I will stay home.

I want to try and avoid a nap. That was my downfall yesterday. I should have gotten up and had coffee. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so tired. I really did need the rest though because of Wed and Thursday being days I really had to go into town. I had appointments both those days. My eye exam Thursday took forever. I swear I had the slowest intern in the world. I have to have visual therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. My insurance doesn’t cover it. It barely covered my eye exam. I had a $40 co-pay so that meant this place was out of network. Sucks. I can’t say that I liked the doctor or not. I barely saw him for more than a few minutes. If I can manage a few sessions with him for the visual therapy I think that I can manage that. But we will see…

Wednesday I had group therapy. It went well, I guess. I still felt really suicidal afterwards which I still have no idea why I do. But I managed to handle it without calling my therapist. I don’t know if it is because of the transgender that I feel suicidal or the fact that I am still being referred to as a female that is bothering me but I talked a little about where I am at with the transgender. I had little feedback but I was respected. I had a member tell me about breast binding and did a Google search. Those things are not cheap!! I don’t know if I can afford things anymore as my benefits are getting slashed. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even going to group next week is going to be tough because I am running out of cash for co-pays. I can probably get the money from my sister as I paid for dinner last night.

Now that the group knows I am transgender, I wonder if I can move forward and get the services for me, like getting the hormones but I have heard other transgendered folk having trouble because of their psychiatric illness. I hope that they don’t take my psych history into account but seeing as I am suicidal nearly every day, I don’t know how they can deny me. 85% of the reason why I am suicidal is because I am not a male.

I know I should probably take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I just don’t really feel like doing anything. I just want to be on the computer and maybe go out later for my walk around the block but that is questionable as it is supposed to snow. And it is bitter cold out. I hate walking in cold weather because it gives me bad back spasms.