Tag: mental pain

why do I bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Why do I bother

Things seemed to go ok today but now I am feeling the rut of my depression and want to end things. Nothing specific has happened, I just don’t want to exist. I feel worthless and that what I am doing is nothing but wasting people’s time.

I have a messed up right eye. The muscles are weak and I have to do therapy to correct it but my insurance doesn’t cover therapy so I have to pay out of pocket. I am already on a budget and I am not sure I can swing this extra money for this therapy. It has me stressed out because without this, my eyes won’t be corrected and it will be hard for me to read continuously. I would have to take breaks like every ten minutes and who can read something every ten minutes. It has me feeling frustrated that yet my body is failing me and it has nothing to do with age.

Feeling suicidal and acting on it are two different things. But right now I would act if I had a plan to go to. I just don’t want to exist anymore.

notebook from the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I am wretched and know not why. I am healthy yet I am ill. There is no diagnostic test to tell where the pain is from yet I want to die from it. I fear that it will kill me. A hundred years ago I’d be locked away in an asylum. This day and age I’m forced to be a functional person with no symptoms of a psychic malady.

Pain that is so bad that nothing can relieve it. Almost as if a pericardial centesis is the only way to drain the pain out but as there is no effusion it will be dry.

This is something that I wrote twelve years ago. I can remember what that pain felt like and wanting to die. It was terrible thing to live through. I talk about the effusion because my heart was aching so much it killed me and I couldn’t breathe.
Quote from Noonday Demon: “if everyone has the capacity for some measure of depression under some circumstances everyone also has the capacity to fight depression to some degree under some circumstances. Often the fight takes the form of seeking out the treatments that will be most effective in battle. It involves making the most of the life you have between your most severe episodes. Some horrendously symptom ridden people are able to achieve real success in life; and some people are utterly destroyed by the mildest forms of the illness”—Andrew Solomon
Merchant of Venice: It wearies me, you say it wearies you but how I caught it. Found it, or came by it, what stuff tis made of, whereof it is born, I am to learn. And such a want-wit sadness makes of me that I have much ado to know myself—Shakespeare

I found these quotes in a journal from 2001. It’s an old notebook of my excerpts from books and other things. I had carried it around with me all this time. Today I was going to write excerpts from Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison but I was too tired after I had my lunch. The notebook is worn thin by use. It is probably the only notebook that I still refer to every day. I have my favorite Edgar Allen Poe letter that I copy into every journal that I own. The “I am wretched and know not why” is from there. If you ever read touched with fire, you will understand what it is like living with bipolar disorder and depression and how it relates to creativity. It really is a great book.

Today I am sidelined with pain in my ankle and a migraine that started out this morning. I have been trying to take a nap for the past few hours but I have this restlessness to do something, to write that I can’t quite quell. I chock it up to having coffee today at an early hour. I have been up since about 9 which is my normal time for waking up but I still wanted to sleep more. If you count daylight savings it really was 8 that I woke up at. I have this energy but I don’t know what to do so I went out and now my ankle is thanking me kindly in return by hurting me. I had groceries delivered today, some stuff I forgot from my previous order. I got my steaks that I have been dreaming about for weeks but never bought. I usually don’t crave meat but I haven’t had any other than chicken and fish in quite some time, possibly as far back as the summer!

So to say that I am a little tired is on the money. I also had therapy today that made me think about what I am doing or going to do with my writing for the next few days. I also talked about my writing with my co-conspirator. We have decided to write five days a week so we can have two days off. I am not sure I can do that with my blog as I like writing on it every day but I can take off a day here and there. My next writing assignment that I am contemplating has to do with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have been meaning to write about it for some time but have backed off due to the embarrassing nature of the content. I still haven’t written much beyond the title of the article. Maybe tomorrow I can write more.

clutter

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, suicide

Feeling down today. I wrote a little more on my history with suicidality for my book. I can’t believe all that I have gone through with my therapist and she is still with me. Most therapists would have left me after they got married, after they decided to consolidate their practice, have a baby, and move out of the city. Nope not this bozo. She has had me move with her. I have been with her almost her entire professional career. She has seen my moods on a good day, bad day, grumpy day, and sad day.

I keep asking her why she stays with me, her automatic response is always “you”. And now that she heard Sugarland’s “stuck like glue” she uses that against me. I just hope she never sees the video because I don’t want her to get ideas.

I was watching baseball today and my mother asked if I cleaned my room. I have a huge bucket outside my room that I thought would fit in my room but it is too big. So I have it outside so I can store my things as my room just can’t fit it. She says that if I clean my room I can place it there. Probably but I don’t know where. I am not the best organizer on the planet. I am when it comes to other things, like my journals and books, but not to my clothes and stuff. Plus I have no place to really put the my clothes as I only have one bureau and a half closet. I don’t tend to buy clothes regularly. I tend to wear what I have until they no longer fit or are worn too thin. Seeing as I have gained weight, most of my clothes no longer fit so I needed more clothes, mostly jeans as that is all I wear.

I have a wedding coming up so I guess I will have to buy some khaki pants and a dress shirt as the ones that I have no longer fit me. I did wear a new suit pants last August and they probably would fit but I didn’t like the way they felt on me.

I know I have plenty of time to clean my room but all I can do is make another pile of the stuff that I have. And it’s not like I can ask my sisters for help. They either are too busy or want to be PAID to help me. I kid you not. Ever since the one time I had hire someone to clean the bathroom for me and pick up stuff around the TV area at the old house, I am expected to pay someone to help me move my stuff or clean my stuff. Maybe I should hire someone to help but I don’t necessarily have the funds to do it right now. And I wouldn’t know who to hire. The person I hired before didn’t do such a great job so it’s not like I am going to go back to the same company, what ever that was. I am not lazy. I just am too overwhelmed by the mess to actually do something about it. It sucks the energy right out of me. Most I can do is put some of the stuff in my drawers that are overflowing. Or maybe get rid of the clothes in the drawers that I haven’t worn or forgot about but then I realize I like them and don’t want to get rid of them. I have a clutter problem and always have. I am NOT a hoarder. I tend to throw my trash and recycles out rather than save them for sentimental value. I do have some standards. But my family doesn’t see my things as I do. They just see them as junk to throw away. Sorry but I don’t think of my medical records or my MRIs as junk. Those are important documents that must be saved. Yes they are part of the “clutter” but that doesn’t mean they belong in the trash either.

Austin and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today was a difficult day. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had group therapy. I first stopped for coffee and had about a half hour to kill before leaving so had something to eat with my coffee. As I am sitting there checking twitter and eating, the guy in front of me sniffles. I then sniffle. We both started talking about sniffling. Well, that wasn’t the whole conversation but that is how it started. We talked a little bit about our lives and what we were up to. We became coffee buddies. I do hope I see him tomorrow, though he says that he gets there early and I am not an early riser. I was only there early because I had my appt with my psychiatrist. His name is Austin. He was telling me how people mess up spelling his name and I asked how. He said with a W. I thought, oh geez. As I left to go on my way, I asked him when he was there most days and he said that time (before 1000), which is way early for me. But who knows. Maybe he will be the reason I get up in the morning and get out of the house for my one cup of coffee.

My appt with my psych went well. This week was our twentieth anniversary. I can’t believe it. I met her when I was 17 yrs old. That was a long time ago. I never wanted to leave her and she never wanted to leave me. So the card I got her it says that we have a weird relationship. That is why we are together, or something like that. I didn’t write anything more profound. I just didn’t have the time but thought those words were enough. She was happy and said that I was the most thoughtful person she knew. I gave her 20 cake pops to represent our 20 years together. I didn’t think of anything else to get her that wasn’t too expensive and too much. I know I should have but sometimes giving gifts to a psychiatrist can be tricky.

I then went to group therapy and like last week, I had intense feelings of wanting to kill myself after the group. This time was because the walk was too much. I got within a block of the building when my foot decided it didn’t want to go any further. It was raining and cold. I pushed further to get to group. It was the same trouble getting back to the train station. I was within a block of the station when my foot got too tired so was doing whatever it walk. At one point I just stuck it out like a penguin’s foot and walk like that for a few steps. It didn’t help but it got me closer to the station. I know tomorrow I am going to be hurting. It is the price I pay for walking.

Group therapy went ok. But again I felt really bad afterwards and called my therapist because I was in crisis again. I promised myself I wouldn’t go ahead with my plans because of my psychiatrist. It is our twentieth anniversary and I just couldn’t give her a present and then kill myself that week. That would be awful of me to do to her. So again I put off death. But I didn’t put off my therapist. She wants to meet tomorrow. She is sick with a cold and I am secretly hoping she loses her voice so she can’t talk. But knowing her she will talk anyway or I will have to talk more. Either way I am stuck with this crazy person.

I wasn’t sure I would finish this paper today. I had a couple of bowel accidents thanks to what I hope to be overdoing it on fiber pills. I had the runs and crapped my pants. I just don’t have any control over loose stool because of my nerve condition CES. I lost control after my fourth surgery. It has been six years now and I don’t think I am going to regain those nerves. It really sucks. The worse part was that my mother had to clean it up. Talk about feeling like a baby. All she kept asking me was to take Imodium but that would cause more problems for me as then I would get too backed up. I hate talking about bowels on my blog but today there is no way around it. It is shitty talk but it brings out the worse suicidal rage in me. I had to email my psychiatrist and tell her I took an extra Ativan because I just couldn’t deal. It was either that or OD on Neurontin which would have just turned me into a Zombie tomorrow. But that is how I cope. I don’t really want to cut. I don’t have the urge but I do want to crawl under a rock and die. I am so embarrassed and humiliated. My dignity went out into the toilet. And I don’t think I can get it back.

What started off as a good day went to the crapper. All because I lost control of my sphincter. That is what it is like living with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome