Tag: mental pain

nobody gets me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Nobody gets me

I had my monthly check in with my PCP (primary care provider) and it did not go well. He didn’t believe the weight I gave him so I had to go on the scale, which I hate. I really have issues with my weight and this bothered me more than usual. The he tells me that I should have a more structured day and be more active. I am like are you fucking kidding me? I am lucky if I take a shower more than once a week and brush my teeth at least three times a week. I didn’t tell him this. I didn’t want him to think I was a real loser. So we talked about getting out of the house and walking around the block at least once a day. I felt like he didn’t get me because some days that is totally impossible because I just don’t feel like it or I am too tired from a night of not sleeping. He then tells me he just doesn’t want to give me pills every month. Well, sorry doc, that is what I need right now. I need to have the pills for when the pain is so bad I want to end my life. I don’t have the pills chances are I am going to make an attempt on my life. Just that simple. I can no longer tolerate my pain being above a 9 on a 0-10 scale.

Then we discussed my weight and I really wanted to get the hell out of there. I hate my weight, I hate my body. I hate it but there is little I can do about it as I can’t walk a treadmill. I could possibly do a bike but that takes every effort to join a gym, which I am thinking about. It will at least get me out of the house. I just don’t know if going for 5-10 mins each time is going to be helpful. I really don’t want to spend that much money for a 15 min workout. I can gradually pick it up but I will be afraid of pain returning. Walking kills me so maybe, just maybe, riding a bike will be easier. I don’t know until I try it but that may never happen. I would like a gym with a pool. But those are rare. When I was with the hospital, I had those benefits but never used them, well maybe once.

I had therapy with my therapist today and really lied through my teeth to say that I wasn’t going to kill myself this weekend. I just was yessing her to death so I could get off the phone. She was just really annoying me with questions and she brought up my family to find out how constricted I was. I hate her. I really do. She brings up my family and how they will not be able to handle my death. I don’t care. I can’t focus on that. I need to die and I am going to try this weekend. End of story. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of being in pain. I hate myself and always will, there is no changing that. I had started writing my will and have looked it over. There is nothing more that I wish to add.

Now it just depends on if I can get a hotel this weekend or not. I just need to get away. If I end up killing myself then that will be good but I don’t want to try something and fail again. It will be too much to do that. My therapist thinks I should be in the hospital but I won’t go. I really don’t want to go and the only way that will happen is if I am forced to go in. I am kind of sad because I know that this will be a shock to my psychiatrist. It is our 20th anniversary this week. I just feel that if I put it off I am only harming myself. I am making myself suffer longer. If I had cancer, people would want my suffering to end. Why can’t they see that this is the same thing? I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being in pain, both physically and mentally. Nobody gets that.

what it’s like to be in physical pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Last night I was in wicked bad pain. I started to think about ending my life again. The pain was that bad. I don’t know what caused my pain to flair up. I didn’t do anything more than I usually do when I have a day to chill, which is most days. I took a walk to the post office and sub shop to get a sub, then went to the liquor store to get a drink and cash my scratch ticket. Then walked home. I guess I was walking out of sorts as I didn’t wear my AFO. It sucks to use it for short walks but I guess me not wearing it is causing some flare ups.

Today pain is not that bad. I did some reading on a big book that I am reading, Alexander Hamilton. I am making headway slow but sure. I have to read it when I am not too tired as my eyesight will become unfocused now. It really sucks but this week I am going to visual therapy to correct it. My eye muscles just need some adjusting. I should also be taking a multivitamin but it is a pain to remember everything I have to take. Last week I filled my weekly pill holder with everything I have to take with extras such as omega 3, vitamin d, senna, and iron. My night time meds looked like a meal. I normally take at least a half dozen pills a night, not including my pain or anxiety meds so with these pills added, there were a lot. Then I had to eat something to cover it so to coat my stomach. I tried not to eat too much, just a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast. But sometimes I will have a meal, like scrambled eggs and toast. My eating habits are not usual as I don’t eat regularly. I tend to eat every 6 or 7 hours, if that. And usually only have one or two meals a day, even though I am home and it isn’t good. I just don’t have an appetite most days.

I take a lot of meds for my various medical and psychiatric illnesses. I used to only take meds for my psych condition but since CES entered my life, I am on more meds than I can shake a stick at. And that is if I am having a good day. A bad day, I take more, especially to control the pain. Or if I just want to escape I will take some Neurontin. That drugs takes your to another planet for a couple of hours but lately it hasn’t been as effective as it once was. Which is disappointing. The only downside of this med is that it gives you the hungry horrors the next day. I have gained more weight on this med than any other but I try and eat better when I have the horrors because I know I will be eating more. It is the only time that my appetite will increase.

Anyways, last night was a bad night and now I am feeling fine and good, least for now. Pain doesn’t usually start until around 2100. If it is not too bad I will take pain meds and then be able to sleep in an hour or two. If I am up more than that, it’s going to be a night similar to last night where nothing can touch my pain and I am off to thinking bad thoughts again.

Sometimes weather can play a part in it. Right now it’s snowing so I know that the pain last night was more because there was precipitation on its way than anything. I am sensitive to this. I am just grateful it didn’t knock my back out. I have had rain storms do that and soon as it stops, I am fine. It is the weirdest thing to be in excruciating pain, not being able to move any back muscles one minute and then be fine the next.

support groups and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I had emailed my eye doc saying I was having problems with my eyes while reading, especially when I was tired. I just coughed it up to being fatigued but he wanted to see me the next day (today) and did some tests. Apparently my eyes have decided to go in different directions when I am reading so I have to go to visual therapy. It is basically physical therapy for the eye. Oh joy.

I am going to dinner tonight in Stoughton, south of where I live with some friends of mine. We have a good time and because my friend just came back from Germany, I am sure she has some chocolates for me . German chocolate is sooo good. Last time I had it, the damn mice ate it when we had a few. I was so mad. Mice enjoying my chocolate. Damn rodents!

Yesterday I was supposed to have a blog post in the AAS but it got scrapped for another few weeks. The post that got published was a hit. It was about support groups and now everyone wants one for suicide attempt survivors. If I knew the platform, I would do it. I am glad my post got bumped because support groups are important. I know that if I didn’t have my CES group, I would feel alone and probably would have killed myself because of the isolation you feel after something so traumatic happens to you. You are never the same after something like CES affects you. I know with suicide attempt it is similar. People attempt for different reasons but mostly to escape the psychological pain they are feeling.

Speaking of psychological pain. I recent came across another psychological pain scale that has some promise if it ever gets across the board. But the hard part is that most of these scales have to go through rigorous critical review from committees of all sorts before being accepted as an assessment tool used for the emergency rooms and urgent care units. Plus in busy settings, things will get missed and then what are you going to do when the person is positive for psychological pain? You can’t just leave them hanging and say have a nice day or come back when you have more pain. That would be unethical and unprofessional. And most academic psychiatric emergency rooms are almost always filled with “real” psychiatric emergencies such as the actual attempts and psychotic behaviors of drug use or because of schizophrenia/mania. Though each case should be evaluated by a mental health professional before an attempt be made. I suppose if this were to be implemented a special unit would have to be designated for it to speed up the process and long waits avoided. Or if this were implemented in the psych ER it would be more ideal than the general ER (Emergency Room/ward/department).

exciting article

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Just read an interesting article about the Collaborating and Management of Suicidality (CAMS). I can’t believe this theory is 25 years old. It is gaining more acceptance as time goes on as more countries are using it as a treatment modality in suicidal people. It is a clinical intervention that is used as a collaboration between client and therapist in the treatment and care of a suicidal person. I find it one of the best out there and it is the best because it can be used across the disciplines in the mental health field.

I will be writing more about this. I write a lot about Jobes, the creator of CAMS and the SSF (suicide status form). He is the most brilliant person I have ever met. The fact that this is going to electronic way I think will be used across mediums and will be easier to deliver. Most clinicians have gone the electronic way but not all. This makes me want to go back to school and get my degree.