Tag: mental pain

Farkle and buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, writing

Nothing interesting going on today. I went to see my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist and I talked about my current delusion/paranoia: the 6 die and the crowding on the bus. I play a game called Farkle and it is a dice game that is played on my phone or computer. Don’t really know the object of the game other than to collect as many points without Farkling, which is when you don’t get the one or five die. Lately my delusion has been focused on the 6 die thinking it just wants to kill my game. I become paranoid every time I get a 6 thinking game over. But usually that is not the case. Irrational I know but when you are delusional, you can’t be rational.

The crowding on the bus situation is my true paranoia. I HATE it when people start crowding up the entrance doors and I literally begin to panic and have anxiety. I just get so paranoid that these people that are standing are going to go flying because the bus had to come to a sudden stop or some jerk cuts the bus off. The worse is when strollers get on the bus and take up seating for people. One time there were three strollers and they weren’t the small kind. I am talking about the heavy duty ass big wheelers that take up 3 adults just to fit a small tyke that swallows it whole. DRIVES ME NUTS. It blocks the aisle where people want to get off or on and then I am left usually without a seat at my designated disability seat because these mini cars are now in my way. I will not go out because of this paranoia some days. I just can’t stand to see the aisle clogged up with people or strollers. It just makes me really anxious.

Because I spent a good time out today, my ankle is really sore. I am finding that even the smallest of activities have flared it up. The pain is bone crushing. This is the lateral malleolus or the bone that sticks out at your ankle. The pain is so intense, especially when I stand. I know all the more reason that I should lose weight but when you can’t fricken walk right, all you can do is restrict your caloric intake and that is difficult to do. I have been trying for weeks to stick to a diet but I have been failing completely. I just can’t help it. I like to eat. I have been trying to control the cravings but it is so difficult. If I want Chinese, I’ll have it. If I want pizza, I order it (I like plain cheese so it’s not too bad). Today I thought about Thai food but decided against it as after my appt with my psychiatrist I just wanted to go home. I thought about making manwich. I haven’t had that in sooo long. So tomorrow I will make that. I bought the lean meat. Only problem is that I am the only one that likes it. I usually end up eating it all. Another item of food I cannot resist. It is just sooo good!!

shame of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today I got my bi-monthly journal of the American Association of Suicidology, Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. My cousin came over and my mother said to him that I like reading that kind of material. I do but on another level, I feel embarrassed. I know I am taking it personally because it is personal. I attempted suicide many times over the years and each time I fail it is not only a failure, but it also is an embarrassment to my ego. I have the scars to show of the self injurious behavior I have had over the years. Again, an embarrassment of my illness. I don’t know why I feel this way. Or maybe shame is another reason I feel embarrassed. I don’t know. But it hurts. It hurts knowing that I failed and I am still here. I don’t know why it does but it hurts like hell. I have not told anyone about the shame that I feel other than my blog and maybe my therapist. There is so much I tell her that I sometimes forget if I tell her about the shame of living. I know people who have attempted don’t like to talk openly to the person in front of them about their story of attempt. I don’t think I can speak openly in front of a crowd of people and tell them I have attempted and failed and now I feel like a complete and utter failure. That I want to try again and succeed just to try to cheat death. But I have people that rely on me to be here and though I sometimes resent them for it and even hate them for it, I still continue living. I don’t enjoy living. It’s a constant struggle for me for one thing to another. It’s more of a hassle living than anything. Between the chronic pain that I feel physically to the chronic pain I feel emotionally, why bother? But I do because I don’t think I can ever again act on my feelings. I lost what is called lethality. And until I get it back, I am still going to be living this so called hell called life.

stigma and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Stigma and suicidality
“Among the 10 leading causes of death in the U.S. most are claiming fewer lives each year but sadly suicide is on of the few that continues to rise. Depression and other diseases of the mind that contribute to suicide are real illnesses, not weaknesses. Not character flaws. People battling these illnesses deserve understanding and treatment afforded people with any other llness.” Robert Gabbia AFSP Executive Director.

There is a stigma out there that mental illnesses are not real. That if you just pull your boot straps up you will be ok and not suffer from depression. I have a friend in Canada, a place where the suicide rate is higher than the US because they are still in the dark about treating depression and other mental illnesses. Like Mr. Gabbhia states this is not a character flaw or a weakness. This is real. It takes character and strength to admit there is something wrong and to see help for it. And if you don’t succeed the first time try again until you do.

If I didn’t try and try again, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I probably would have taken my life. I have seen over 10 therapists over the course of my treatment for my mental illness. My current therapist I have been with for the past twelve years and it has been the a huge difference. With the stability of treatment providers I don’t go to the hospital as much and with the value of trust between us, I can state my suicidal feelings without being held against my will in some treatment facility. I am open about how I feel with my therapist but it took a long time to get to where I was. It took about 3-4 years to really trust her and for her to trust me.

I say that it takes trust between us because most therapist are under the believe that all people that have suicidal thoughts should be hospitalized immediately if they cannot be held to safety contracts, which are worthless. Therapist think this is the way to go but it is not. It just takes the legality of it all away from the therapist and really does not put trust in the relationship. Nor does it build an alliance with the therapist because the client is always in fear of being put into the hospital for fear of stating their true feelings. Is that how therapy is supposed to go? Again you have the stigma that if you talk about suicide, you will cause suicide. That is a common myth that everyone still believes is true except for those that actually deal with it. Like me and other suicidologists around the country. Those that deal with suicide are afraid of being sued but there are measures that can be taken so that it is not as frightening as it is. I am not saying that the person with a loaded gun or is in eminent danger and threatening suicide should not be hospitalized and that that gun or other means NOT be taken away. I am saying for those that are chronically suicidal be given a chance that doesn’t include the hospital all the time. In the course of my therapy over the past twelve years I have been hospitalized 4-6 times, compared to twice a year for the previous ten years.

For resources on dealing with suicide:
http://www.suicidology.org the American Association of Suicidology.

Jobes, D. A. (2006). Managing suicidal risk: A collaborative approach. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Michel, K., & Jobes, D. A. (2011). Building a therapeutic alliance with the suicidal patient. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; US.

Grammys not recorded

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Been lazy most of the day. I have not really left my bed except to use the bathroom and eat something. I have no real appetite. I just had a slice of cake for breakfast and then a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I woke up at 3 pm. I think it’s because I can’t go out because of the snow and potential ice. There are snow drifts higher than me and I just don’t want to risk spraining an ankle or falling down. I need to pick up a couple of prescriptions at the pharmacy but that can wait till tomorrow. School has already been cancelled for tomorrow. It is ridiculous but then the MBTA buses have been stuck in the snow, how is a school bus supposed to maneuver side streets?

I don’t know what I will be doing tomorrow. I am supposed to have therapy tomorrow afternoon but I don’t know if that is going to happen if school in my therapist’s town is cancelled. Right now it hasn’t been yet but that could change. My urges have been decreasing but is still there. I had them today and really wanted to but distracted myself.

I am really pissed that because we had minor power outages last night the Grammys weren’t recorded. I really wanted to see Taylor Swift and Hunter Hayes’s performances. And to see if Hunter won his first Grammy. I haven’t heard anything so I am guessing not. But I did hear Carrie Underwood won.

I haven’t had much traffic on the blog today. Some days are like that. But my AAS blog came out with a research blog today (https://attemptsurvivors.wordpress.com/) It really is an amazing blog.