Tag: mental pain

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

more about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today has been a wash. I didn’t go to sleep until in the wee hours of the morning so I decided to take something stronger than Ativan for sleep. The medication has me so hungover that I have been sleeping on and off today.

I got really excited today. It took only a few hours for Amazon to post my book on their site. I am excited because I am ranked 66,188 on their best seller’s list! I am sure that will change but right now I am happy. My Kindle is in the 200Ks but will drop. For some reason after I dropped the price, the ranking went up. But oh well. I sold another copy today.

I am a stats geek. I love numbers. But I won’t know what my sales are until the end of the month! I am so saddened by this. There is no point checking my sales report constantly because unless they use createspace to purchase my book, I have no idea who is buying my book. But a different seller is posting my book for more than the listed price as “new’. I don’t think I will get any royalties from them, but if they buy through Amazon, I am golden. So far that is the only other place selling my book.

I had therapy today and told her that I was suicidal. I wasn’t active in that I would do something, more like I wish I wasn’t alive. I know I should be jumping for joy with the release of my book but I just don’t feel it. My friends and family have been supportive with the book and all, but I just don’t think I am good enough. I have been fretting over the book’s format, which is why it was taking me so long to release my book. It has been the small things that have been creeping in my doubts. Then we talked about her getting my book and I told her it will be easier for me to send it to her or give it to her in person than her trying to order it. She is not computer savvy. Course I didn’t help matters by sending her two wrong links. I got a little dyslexic. The numbers for the link were right, just in the wrong order (www.createspace.com/4546715). I kept putting in 4546517, which doesn’t exist. I hope she picks the right text and orders my book. She is dying to have it. I told her she could have one of my proofs but she nixed that idea. I don’t know what I am going to do with two proofs. The only difference is that one will have a copyright page and be formatted correctly, somewhat.

Now that I am DONE with everything, I don’t know what to do with myself. I have been tweeting like crazy and keeping up with the AAS conference. They are live tweeting there panels. It is really interesting and you get to feel like you are there. But I am still wondering what I am going to do. I was planning on working on my second book but I am so done with trying to format things that I just can even fathom doing the work for that, now that I know what goes into it. I will wait for the summer to start working on my stories collection.

It really sucks that I have to wait 60 days to get paid from either Kindle or Amazon. And that is from April sales! But I guess it is good in a way. I just have to remember not to spend too much of my earnings for tax purposes. The first thing I am going to do with my check is go to the Capital Grille and get a filet mignon. That will be my reward. I also plan on going out with a few friends and celebrate. I wish they still had the wootstock Farking Wheaton. I loved that stout. But I am interested in getting an IPA to try. I am not a beer person at all but Wil Wheaton is and been learning about beer through him.

In case you missed my previous blog post about the AAS (American Association of Suicidology), they have formed a new division called Suicide Attempt Survivors (SAS) and People Lived Experiences. I am so happy to be a member and a contributor to their SAS blog. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so excited. It was the last initiative from the former president of the AAS. She was instrumental in creating the blog and had me be a part of it. I will be having another blog post sometime this month. I can’t wait for it to come out. I will reblog it on my site when it is out.

The invisible weakness

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

I spent most of the day wondering what to write today. I thought I would play with my dragon software that has been laying idle now for a month but had a yearning to listen to Garth Brooks so nixed that idea.

I have been reading the book “writing the breakout novel” by David Maass. Though I never attempted to write a novel, he is giving me ideas for my next book. I am thinking of writing about the most traumatic point in my life but fictionalizing it. I think I can do it. I don’t know if I can write a book about it, maybe a short story, but who knows. I will outline the chapters and such. This book helps with all of that. I could have a breakout novel or novelette.

On another note, been stewing on this all week and I finally can’t hold it in anymore. I have had trouble with my left ankle since 2009/2010. I can no longer stand for long period nor walk long distances like i used to. The reasons for this is not clear as every single test (xray/mri) has come back normal. The only thing that my doc still refuses to believe to this day (and I brought it up to him on Monday) is that I have nerve damage that flares up when I do too much because my ankle becomes fatigued. Because of this, I have gotten an AFO in 2011, took 2 bloody years to figure out that when I am fatigued, my ankle goes from a scale of 1-5, a 4 to a 3/2. AND HE STILL REFUSES TO BELIEVE THAT NERVE DAMAGE IS CAUSING MY PAIN. He thinks I haven’t found the right doctor yet. I have seen 10 of them over the course of 2010 to 2012, specialists from orthopedists, podiatrists, physiatrists, you name the specialty and I have seen them. But because NOTHING shows on the xray/MRI, they don’t want to treat me. Frankly, I know what is causing my pain as long as I don’t exert myself but that is hard to do. Just doing normal activities, standing to make an egg for example, will tire me out or standing to take a shower. I finally got disability but my doc thinks I could be more functional! Yea, if I could go back in time and fix my CES and not see the damn chiropractor! I am just so frustrated, actually beyond frustrated.

So when I bring up the fact that I have nerve damage in my foot and weakness, he brushes it aside as if it is nothing to think about. HUH??? But he still writes out my pain medication script and for that I am grateful because otherwise, the day he doesn’t do that is the day he signs my death certificate, far as I am concerned. My therapist and psychiatrist know this. Actually, I think my psychiatrist knows what is causing my pain but psychs don’t prescribe narcotic meds. It is a shame. Because if she could, and I wouldn’t have to deal with my PCP idiot, I would be a lot happier. I wouldn’t have to go through the rigmarole every month. There isn’t a doctor out there that wants to help me anymore that knows about nerve damage and weakness. If there was, I am sure I would have found them by now. I have seen at least five ankle specialists alone but because nothing shows up on the Xray, they just think I am fine. Well, I am fine. The damage is not in my tendons or bones per se. It is with the muscles that support my tendons and bones. When those muscles weakens, I start getting fatigued. The more fatigued I get, the more I try to walk improperly and that in turn causes me pain. I just wish my doc could understand this formula but nope. It has to be a PHYSICAL structure that is causing this. I am starting to think that if he were a psychiatrist, he wouldn’t believe I have depression because he wouldn’t be able to see it. Same thing. How I wish weakness (physical or mental) could show up on an X-ray. Maybe more people could be helped.

Right now, after all the little walking I did to get my mocha and a half gallon of milk, I am hurting. I have therapy in two hours and I am contemplating taking a pain med. But I am in a messed up mood anyways, so what difference does it make if I take it or not. Pain will only get worse and I rather deal with this level of pain than see it get worse.

My Suicidal Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Today my therapist asked me if I was suicidal, or specifically, if I was having suicidal thoughts. I had to think about it for a few minutes before answering. And the answer is not so much. I haven’t sat down and thought about killing myself in a few weeks now. I am not saying I am no longer suicidal because that would be inaccurate. If given the chance, I would act on a suicidal plan in a heartbeat. It’s just that I am not thinking about it all the time anymore, 24/7. Then she asked me about my perturbation, press, and psychache, the three P’s of the suicidal cubic model. When all three are at a 5, suicide is imminent. Over the last few years I have ranged from a 4-4-5 to a 5-5-4. Always close to killing myself but not quite there. Granted there have been times that I needed to do something to get rid of the pain so I would self-medicate, usually. But lately, I haven’t been perturbed. I haven’t been feeling press. And my psychache has only increased due to my transgender issues. It varies. Some days it is worse than others.

My suicidal thoughts are also partly dependent on my physical pain. I haven’t had a bad pain flare up in the last few weeks. I had pain today that prevented me from going out, again. Seems I have been waking up in pain the last few mornings and I am not liking this. It just ruins my day. I really wanted to go see my therapist today, and I would have if my stupid foot wasn’t hurting. It makes me depressed big time but it doesn’t necessarily make me suicidal all the time.

I have not been in a dark mood in quite some time. I am fearful that it might come back. I am trying not to be too hopeful about things because I know things are always going to suck no matter what. Like my editor not getting back to me is putting added stress on me. I know that she hasn’t gotten to my book because I am a bad writer, but I can’t help but feel that way sometimes. I am hoping she gets to me this week, after her day off. I am really, really disappointed that I am not going to be publishing the first week of April. I had wanted to get a few books out to the AAS conference in Los Angelas. But now that doesn’t seem likely either.

I feel like I have a fractured ego right now, that one wrong thing someone says to me and I will have a meltdown of some kind. I just feel a pressure building up and I don’t know where the release valve is. Right now things are ok, but I am sure any stress thrown in my direction is going to set me off. I guess that is why I have not thought about a suicidal plan. It would be too tempting to have one in place should I have a meltdown.

Also my therapist wanted to ask me a question about my transgender stuff but we ran out of time. I am kind of glad because we have been talking about that most of the week. I am glad next week we don’t meet three times. She wants to meet with me any time she has an opening. But next week I have appointments for myself and my dad. I am not looking forward to my appointment as it is with my PCP. I also have an appointment with my neurologist this week. That appointment is a joke. She meets with me and just tells me to join yoga. Not happening. We also talk about other stuff. I am going to bring up my neck hurting me and my hand/arm falling asleep. It has been happening a little bit too much for my liking. The weird part is that I will be sleeping on my left side when my right arm falls asleep. I hope I don’t have herniated discs in my neck. That will suck.