I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.
Tag: mood disorders
Saturday blog 22012022
I was having a hard time last night. 4 family members were upset with me because I didn’t bring the recycle down. I had asked my niece to do it and she never did so I got the blame. I got called a hoarder and it really hurt because i know I am not.
Today I slept until my bladder was gonna explode. My sister was in our bathroom so I had to go downstairs to use my other sister’s bathroom, which meant not cathing because she doesn’t have catheters in her bathroom and I didn’t grab any before leaving my room. I had something to eat and coffee. I feel like I could go back to sleep. I actually went to bed around 7 last night but I didn’t sleep. I felt guilty going to bed so early.
I had a difficult day as I got my haircut and then had to go to urgent care for my blood pressure issues. I was having side effects from the blood pressure pill and the doc wanted to put me on a Holter monitor. I said no. My new pcp is going to see me Thursday to start me on the beta blocker lebatalol. But I got to be seen in person. At 0830. Yuck. Next week is going to be a busy week so i hope by Thursday I have some insomnia so I can go to the appt. Otherwise i could sleep through the appt.
I am going to try and shower today. I want to shave my head but don’t think I can do it. I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days. I am so bad when it comes to this stuff. My new toothpaste has become community property. I am not happy about this. I am so tired I just want to go back to bed. I took my morning meds when I got up at 2pm. That is really late to take my twice a day pain med. I just had a really hard time sleeping during the night. I kept waking up to pee.
therapy and covid
Therapy and covid
I got a message this morning from my surgeon. He said my CT looks good and that I am healing. If I have pain to see him so next week I will see him (provided my Covid test is negative) as I still have pain in my arm. Since my last PT session, I have had less pain but my arm muscles are still sore for whatever reason.
My PT got back to me. She wants to see me in person and to call the front desk to see if this is possible. It isn’t possible because they are going by the 14 day rule rather than current CDC guidelines. I made an appointment for five more sessions. I took a shower today and my arm is hurting from moving my arm to wash up and wash my hair. I wanted to shave my underarms as a forest is there but I couldn’t lift my arm high enough to do it so said fuck it.
I had therapy today. We talked about my sister and her hissy fits. She wants me to not take blame when she goes off on something. I said I will try. She said that she is going back to virtual full time again because the cases are getting big again. Hospital wants to minimize traffic. I would have seen her today if I didn’t have to isolate because of my nephew having covid.
The only medication I have taken on “time” today has been my 4pm meds. I have taken my morning and T shot late. I actually almost forgot to take it until I looked at the calendar. My bladder urge has been horrible today. I either get it and can’t cath or I get it while I am cathing, which hasn’t been good as urine has gone down my leg today. Shower helped clear my nose and eyes for a bit. The dust in my room was really getting to me. Eyes were tearing while I was in therapy.
I don’t know why my left elbow is hurting me. It has to be because of the arm muscles being tight. I have been bad about using heat the past few days. I have the heat pack in the kitchen but I don’t like to spend time there because of Covid isolation. I have been drinking my coffee in my room most days. I have been trying to keep up with fluids as I don’t know if this running nose I have today is cold or covid or allergies. I don’t feel sick. I am my usual brand of tired. I took a Benadryl to see if this is allergies and now I am sneezing so it might be a cold. I slept till 830 this morning because I shut my phone off. I had a few messages. I am glad I shut it off because the surgeon called before 8 am and I would have been pissed if he woke me up.
I have a can of corn chowder that I think I am going to have for supper. Just hope we have enough milk.
new year new positive
New Year new positive
So my nephew is positive for Covid and so we need to isolate for the next week or so. I will have to test one of these days but I am not sure where to go as the place I went to in the past is closed. I will have to call my doctor’s office and find out where to go.
I have been going through my inbox trying to clean it out. I have 48 unread messages, down from 60. I also have been sending read mail either to the trash or to read mail for archive. I haven’t gone through all 100+ emails yet but I am sure by day’s end, it will be cleaned up.
I plan on reading more this week. I have less than 100 pages in the Medical Apartheid book I am reading. I can’t wait to be done with this book because it is so sad and angering. I plan on reading Rory O’Connor’s book When it is darkest next. It is about his suicide research and about suicide in general. I heard it was good and I have followed Rory’s research the past several years now. He is based in Scotland.
I still need to do my meds for the week. I got to call my pcp office tomorrow. I don’t know who will be prescribing meds for me from now on as my PCP has left the practice. I don’t know if I will need to be seen because my heart rate has been in the 100s the past few days. I have stopped the new meds and my blood pressure was high this morning. I will have to check it again tomorrow and see what it is.
The new box of catheters I opened has a lot of defective caths in it. So far there have been five in the box. I took a pic of the lot number I plan on sending to the company when I am done with it because there may be more in there that I don’t know about yet. I have an appointment with the uro NP this week. It will be good to see her to check in. Things have been going okay so far. I still have the bladder pain when I empty but I guess that is just something I have to live with. I am glad I got my uterus taken out so I don’t have to guess anymore where the pain is coming from.
My shoulder pain has been mild the past few days. Taking Excedrin has been so helpful. I cannot put on sweatshirts/hoodies. It hurts too much to pull the shirt down. I also hurt when pulling up my pants so I got to be careful about how high I go. I cannot scratch my left boob or side without excruciating pain. I am glad I have a back scratcher for my back itch. I am glad it is settling down some. Still two weeks before I see the surgeon.
I think because I have been taking extra pain meds my CRPS pain has been down. My ankle hasn’t been as flared up as it usually is. It will still get cold and I will have to wear socks to warm it up and keep it warm.
midnightdemons7 
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