Tag: psych hospital

Sucky day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Not having a good day. My pdoc’s schedule was all messed up so she was almost 30 mins late to see me. I felt like leaving but I stayed anyways. I asked her multiple times if I was a waste of her time. She said I was projecting. A nice psych term. It basically means I am putting my feelings (being a waste of time) on to someone else. She wants me to consider going in the hospital but there is no way I can. I have to take my father to his numerous doctors appointments this month. Next week is a double header so there is no way for me to go in. Plus all they will do is babysit me. I refuse to go to groups because they are useless. I never get anything out of it and the group leader (who runs most of the groups) is an idiot. We constantly butt heads. She is very condescending and I don’t like her.

I texted my therapist about this. She also wants me in the hospital. But then she knows that I am feeling really bad if I want to stop therapy. I also told her that my pdoc increased my mood stabilizer so hopefully that will help. If I remember to take it. I won’t be able to take it while I am driving my father around the world. It makes me sleepy sometimes.

I also put in a call to my repro endo doc because my fucking menses showed up last night. I am so mad. With all the technology that this world has, why is it so difficult to stop a menstrual cycle?? At this point, I am seriously thinking of a hysterectomy because what the hell do I need it for anyways? I am not going to have kids this late in my life, not like I was waiting to have them anyways. I never wanted to have children because I don’t want to pass on my depressive genes.
Saw my PCP and it was determined that I have a yeast infection under my arm. FUCKING great!! Now I really have to shower every day. I was really hoping it was just a dermatitis thing and would go away with some cortisone cream. Nope. UGH. Today is not my day.

My mood still sucks. I just want to die. Told my pdoc today that I just don’t have the energy to kill myself. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I just want to hibernate, which, if I go in the hospital, that is all I will do anyways. They don’t force you to go to group. I will just isolate and be by myself. And it’s not like they will start me on an antidepressant. My pdoc would if there was one out there for me. I hope increasing my mood stabilizer works.

I am supposed to pick up my niece tonight. I really don’t want to. I want to keep my foot up because it is hurting but I told my sister I would. I am just so tired. I had two doc appointments today. Then was standing in line forever at Walgreens, in my AFO. I hate standing too long because there is no cushion, just plastic so my foot hurts. I won’t wear it again when I pick up my niece. It’s already swollen so I probably will make things worse trying to force my foot in boot.

Did I mention my mood sucks? My pdoc thinks it is because I got my menses. I have to deal with them for a week. I am not happy about this but it’s the only course of action. I have to stop the pill for a week and then restart it. Might as well do that today and then the following Sunday, restart it. So not happy about this. Another reason why I need to shower every day. I have to tonight because I just feel gross, even though I took one yesterday. I need to buy some nice smelling shampoo to motivate me to take a shower. I think that might help. I really hope I don’t get cramps. I usually don’t, haven’t in a while but I still have knots in my stomach because of constipation. I still haven’t found a regimen that regulates me everyday. It sucks. And soon as I find something that works, I forget to do it every day. I am my own worse enemy. I know that if I were to go in the hospital, my meds would be given to me and I wouldn’t have to dish them out every night. That would be the only benefit of going on the hospital. I also wouldn’t have to worry about what to eat. Meals would be given. I wouldn’t have to cook some thing for myself. The food is not that bad.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. I was talking with my therapist yesterday about it and I wish I was writing down what I was saying. Now I forgot. It will be about different suicide theories. That is all I will say for now.

Don’t Feel Like Talking

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt

Don’t feel like Talking

I have been reviewing in my mind the last few suicide “mini” attempts that I took over the past several months. I am wondering why I never called for help or called a friend. It wasn’t like I didn’t have a number for a friend I couldn’t call or a helpline or a chat person. I just was constricted into one way of thinking. I needed to escape and that was going to happen. It was my “only” way out. I think I slipped into Mr. Hyde and ran away from help. I couldn’t possibly think that someone would understand the amount of pain that I was in or understand that ending my life was the only way out of the mess that I was in. And it wasn’t truly a “mess”. I just wanted an out that I could count on.

My last attempt was last week. I wrote a blog about it and then fell asleep. While I slept off my drugs, at least three bloggers tried to get in touch with me through various ways. One of them found my personal email, which I am still wondering how in the world they got. I am glad I don’t have my cell phone listed anywhere or it probably would have been traced back to me. But since that happened, I have been scared to write. Scared because I don’t want the police showing up at my door. I have had that happen before and it wasn’t a pretty picture. It was terrible because even though I was in “protective custody” through EMS (the paramedics had already showed up and taken me to the hospital), the police and fire department didn’t know that so broke a window to get into my house. I was freaked out when I heard about this. My family was wicked worried about me. And that was all because I wrote an email to my psychiatrist. My writing has gotten me into trouble. So now I am scared that it will again. I have dissociative episodes. I barely remember sending the blog that night. I don’t even remember what I said, other than taking pills.

I don’t want to stop blogging. It has been a lifeline for me. But I also realize that I need to be more aware of my thoughts and feelings to stop the hurt before I take something lethal. Luckily, I only took a few pills. I didn’t take a bottle. But the question remains, why didn’t I feel like talking to someone before I took them??

I know of suicide prevention. I know of suicide assessments. So why didn’t I use them? I am not beating myself up here. I am just trying to understand what went on inside my head so that I can do something the next time this happens. All that I come up with is that I didn’t want to go to the hospital again. If I paged my psych and told her I wanted to take my life, I don’t think she would let me off the phone unless I had a plan with her to go to the ER. So that option is out. Luckily, through this recent episode, I found a fellow survivor that I can email. I hope that I can email her and talk freely about what I am feeling and what I want to do. That is if I feel like talking. That is the key…talking. To know one’s story. I feel like such a hypocrite because I wrote a book, published it, and then tried to take my life afterwards. Some survivor I am. I am totally unstable and I don’t think I will ever be stable. I told my therapist today, that if I had the chance, I would try again. I am just tired of living. SO DAMNED TIRED. I have nothing keeping me here. My protective factors are minimal. I don’t even know if they exist anymore. I mean, I love my family a little bit but I don’t feel connected to them in anyway. I just feel like I am this stranger that comes out of my room and says hi every now and then. I hardly go out anymore. My life is meaningless.

My therapist is so excited about my book that she doesn’t even want to read my blog anymore. Though my blog readership has hit an all time high lately. I should be proud of that. But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything. I am not interested in anything. I got my journal of Suicide and Life threatening behavior today and it didn’t even excite me. One of my favorite suicidologists wrote a paper in it. I should have been all over it but I wasn’t. I had no interest in what the article was about. I am too depressed to care about anything. And I don’t even talk to my therapist anymore. All she wants to talk about it my fricken book. I am done talking about my book. It just depresses me. And I don’t know why. I should be on cloud nine right now but I am not. Maybe I should go back on an anti-depressant. But I am so sensitive to them, they just make me sick. I hate this anhedonia I have been feeling. I hate that worse than the psychache that I have been feeling. I mean, how many times can your heart break and nobody know? Because depression is an invisible illness. No one sees it. No one else feels it. It’s all inside you. And no one feels like talking about it.

very bad in my head

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis, suicide

Having a really hard time. Going through financial issues with my therapist because she got a new billing service and they have been harping on her for payment. I haven’t paid her in a long time since being disabled and the whole thing is stressing me out. So now I have to pay what I can pay her so her billing people aren’t harassing her. The whole stress of the matter, which I knew would happen one day, has caused the bad voices to come out and command me to do things, mostly to cut because I am a bad person. My therapist was telling me that this voice is wrong and full of shit. I wish she could hear them sometimes and maybe she would understand what I go through. It’s not easy telling them they are full of shit when they are screaming that you are nothing but a moron and an idiot all the time. Then I have another voice that is trying to get me to do the right thing and take care of myself and these other voices start harping on her. It’s very bad in my head right now and I feel so stressed about it. Every time I get a little stressed the voices come out. My therapist wants me to take some extra meds which I guess I will do tonight. And also to take my pain meds when I am feeling pain not hours later when it’s beyond control. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. Like I am being punished by this pain so just let it be but she said that is not how it is. I don’t know if I am making sense. I have been up since five and have not taken a nap. I am really tired and I am sick. I took a fall today and my knee is hurting. Everything is hurting. I wish the pain meds helped with the internal hurt but it doesn’t.

I have been having urges to cut since I cut last week I think it was. I don’t even remember. My therapist doesn’t want me to cut over the financial situation but I know that I will feel better if I cut. She said that she won’t. I gave her my word that I wouldn’t cut. I am also to keep texting her over the weekend to let her know how I am doing. She is worried right now because I am psychotic. And of course she brings up the hospital whenever I tell her about the voices. I sometimes hate bringing it up but I just let it happen and then I hate myself for bringing it up. She doesn’t understand what it is like living with them. These voices are mean and nasty. They watch everything that I do and criticize everything that I do. It could be the way I cut my chicken up or the way I go down the stairs. Sometimes they want me to take extra medication but I don’t do that. The only medication I will take extra of is Neurontin because I know the effect of this med. I did take extra Ativan the other night. I had to because all I wanted to do was sleep. I think I am going to take Neurontin with some trilafon tonight to ward off the voices. They don’t like the trilafon. That is the one med they don’t want me to take. But I need to because I don’t want to end up back in the hospital.

I emailed my PCP tonight. I told him that I don’t want to see anymore specialists. I just want adequate pain control and that is that. The nerve block didn’t work out and for three days I was in excruciating pain. It took two kinds of pain meds to bring my pain under control. I don’t want to go through that again. The pain was horrible. It brought me to a dark place, granted it didn’t take much to bring me there but still. I hated being there. And now I am thinking of ways of killing myself because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired of living a life in pain and if my PCP won’t acknowledge the fact that what we are doing is fine then I might as well kill myself now than go through hoops to get pain meds.

So I am psychotic, in a lot of physical pain, and am deeply depressed. Yup…I am FUBAR…fucked up beyond all rehabilitation.

stress and psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

This was the first day that I have been out of the hospital. It was nice. I got to meet with my psychiatrist and we went over my medication plan. She doesn’t want me taking too much trilafon for a long period of time and I told her soon as I stabilize on the abilify, I should be able to come off it. So far today, I haven’t needed it so I am hoping that is a good sign.

I went to Starbucks today and typed out my admission experiences. I filled in where I felt I needed to. I thought it was cool to write it down but didn’t expect it to be so long, so I am sorry about that.

It feels so good to be back in my own bed, take my meds when I want to rather than on a schedule and also to have my pain meds when I need them. I flared up my pain over the last few days because I did too much. My ankle is pretty swollen and hurts really bad so I am hoping to stay in the house tomorrow and do nothing except edit my book, least the few pages that I have already done so. I feel that I need to get going or this thing is never going to get published.

I am glad the fog has lifted enough for me to write this blog. It was so painfully difficult to write while I was in the hospital because my head was out in outer space. The few lucid moments I had was when I was writing my experiences or writing to my therapist. I honestly have no clue what I wrote to her.

This hospitalization was a scary one. I have never felt unsafe on the unit before. Usually it is my safe haven. But the paranoia kind of got out of control and things went from bad to worse with in a few hours. I was needed more support than I ever did during this admission. I never was so scared before as I was this time. I hope that I never become as psychotic again. I told my psychiatrist today that I don’t want to mess with the abilify dose at all anymore. I can’t afford a melt down when the dose is lower. She agreed with me. I also have to work on my stress levels. I can’t get overwhelmed too much because it always causes havoc in my life. No matter how insignificant it might seem, I always become psychotic when a little stress enters my life. This book is a big deal to me and I know it is stressful but I have to take it in spurts and not do it all at once or I will end up back in the hospital. The sad part is that not too many staff knew about psychosis and so I wasn’t treated properly. They wanted me to use grounding skills, like if I was having flashbacks or other trauma symptoms. Psychosis is not a trauma symptom. It is its own illness and the staff didn’t get it. My treatment team did for the most part but the nursing staff could use a little more training. I should have written that as part of the exit interview thing I had to fill out before being discharged.

I did have a good staff member that did understand. She wants a copy of my book so I will send it to her when it gets published. So far she is the only one that seemed interested in my work. I had a few patients that were interested so I gave them the website to my blog as there will be information as it becomes available for it. I am hoping to get it done within a month or by the end of the year. It all depends on how quickly I can go through the editing process and have at least two people read it to make sure there aren’t horrible grammatical errors or repeats in information.

I still can’t believe how much I was doped up while in the hospital. But it was a good thing. I didn’t harm myself or barricade myself while I was there. I did try to manage what I was eating but that was difficult. I did go to bed after I took my meds because my day always started off early and most nights I was there I woke up around 330 in pain. I am so glad I can take my pain meds now and not have to bother anyone with it or tell them my scale of how bad it hurts. I can just pop two pills and be done with it. I do have to find another flavor or powerade or Gatorade though. The ones that I have been using suck after the first sip. My taste buds have been awful lately. Nothing really tastes good. Even the coffee and donuts I was eating today was terrible. I know part of the reason is because I am still depressed. I just hope this phase passes soon. This is the first depression in which my taste buds are affected.