Tag: psychache

sleep interrupted

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep interrupted

I went to bed early because I was tired. I took my meds like I normally do and fell asleep around 9ish. Then I woke up around midnight in pain. WTF. This is the third or fourth time in as many days that I have been waking up in pain. It’s all the same pain, in my left foot or leg or ankle, but mostly in my foot. It is driving me crazy.

I had woken up early this morning with leg pain. I tried my best to ignore it but it got the best of me so I took my pain meds. I went back to sleep.

Now it’s close to one in the morning and I am very tired but I am in a lot of pain. I didn’t do anything today to warrant this type of pain. Only thing I can think of is the weather change.

I wasn’t planning on writing a blog today but seeing as I am up, I thought I would. I have to vent because this is just ridiculous. I should still be sleeping. But because I am not, I am just so sick of it all. I just took some more pain meds to try and calm this pain down. I feel so out of sorts. I still have Pearl Jam’s new song in my head though everything seems to be quiet for the moment. I just want to sleep. What is so wrong with that??

I have been thinking of paging my pdoc the past few days. I see her Friday so I am hoping I can just wait it out. Later today, in the afternoon, I have to go with my father to the hospital to visit my aunt (his sister). She is having heart trouble. I haven’t seen my aunt since her birthday last November. I am not looking forward to seeing her as I hate going to the hospital. But my father wants to see her and he gets confused on how to get there so I have to take him.

overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Overwhelmed

I got up really early today for some reason. I had energy and I wanted some breakfast burritos from McDonalds. So I took a shower and got dressed in time to take the bus to the Square. I figured I would do some editing while I was there, drinking my coffee. It wasn’t the plan today but, oh well. If I don’t chip at it a little bit at a time it is never going to get done. I reached page 27 and had to stop. My thoughts were all over the place and so was the book. I swear it sucks. I just have all this writing and though it does make sense, I am not sure where a chapter should go, where the *** separating thoughts in the paragraph should go, none of it. I am so overwhelmed. Then I thought, well, I will go through it and see how many chapter I did actually line out (I usually did this by just saying new chapter but no name). I got to page, I don’t 40 maybe and had over 15 chapters. I don’t mind this being a long book but I was also skimming while I was turning the pages. I had a blog post that I need to take out because it has NOTHING to do with anything that is before or after it. Then I decided that blog posts would be chapter numbers too. I feel like setting a time line of mid-October is not too realistic. This editing is going to take more time than I thought. I am very overwhelmed by the process and am starting to think that this sucks, no one is going to read it, that it will just be a flop anyways so why bother. So I had to stop. I didn’t number the chapters because I am not sure where they are now, they are going to stay that way.

All the while, even though I had headphones playing different music in my head, Pearl Jam’s new song Sirens was going through my head. I can’t stop this song from playing in my head and I think it is starting to be a little of my psychosis creeping up. I am feeling stressed and when I am feel stress, instead of having anxiety, I get psychotic. The whole dissociation thing has me in a special kind of panic because I feel like I have to account for every minute so I know I am grounded or something. I just feel like I am losing it and the more I feel lost, the more I think I should be in the hospital. Trouble is that now, would not be a good time. I need to have the freedom of my cell phone in case Dell calls me about my laptop and when they send it back to me. I also need to stay on top of my emails or they will just spiral out of control. And I need to blog because I need this outlet more than anything. Writing on paper is helpful but it is a pain in the ass to type up after the fact. I just wish this song would stop playing in my head. I read the lyrics and I swear the song is telling me things. But yet, I can’t stop listening to it. I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I go to the psych ER the chances of me getting hospitalized is 85%. And getting hospitalized on the weekend sucks more than getting hospitalized during the week. I really wish there was someone I could talk to during the weekends when I am feeling this way that will calm me down. I would page my pdoc but not sure she will help other than saying to go to the hospital or take an extra PRN. I know talking with her will help me somewhat. But I hate calling her. I don’t even know if I have the right number for her as I haven’t paged her in so long. I usually have been able to do it myself as I was an employee of the hospital. It was always easier because then I could text message her with what I needed her for. Now it is just my name and callback number. No other message. I just need to talk to someone that understands but won’t tell me I need to be in the hospital.

moment in time

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I had an appointment with my father today. It went well though we were waiting a very long time to be seen. I hate it when docs run late. Just want to walk out.

I was able to get an appointment with my therapist today. I have mixed feelings about it. But seeing as last night things kind of got crazy, I think it is for the best. I don’t know where this depression is going. I know I have been writing more about it lately and that is helping me but it also is worrying me that I might end up back in the hospital.

Since I am working with my old laptop, I have decided that I not going to work on my manuscript until the newer laptop is fixed. I don’t have the brain power to work on it anyways. I thought I would be able to do a little bit today but I just can’t. Things are just not making sense to me. And the notes that I wrote up on the previous copy I had, I can’t read my fricken notes. It is in my handwriting, but it’s so scribbled that I can’t read it. MAN, I hate that.

Last night in the morning hours I apparently dissociated when I wrote “Tell Tale Heart”. I am not sure what happened. Last thing I remember is writing the title and everything after that is lost. I think I went to bed afterwards because I remember my mother waking me up because she went downstairs around 0330. I emailed my pdoc about it. Have not heard from her nor do I expect to. She can’t really do anything for me. I talked to my therapist about it because I totally had no recollection of writing this blog. Not even reading it over do I remember it. It is dark and something Mr. Hyde would write, my alter. I am kind of upset by this. I am going to bed early tonight. There is no baseball game that I really want to see as the Sox are off. I am feeling strangely disconnected. Maybe it is because I am tired. I don’t know. I am not in a lot of pain today even though I ran around taking my father to his doctor’s appointment. The coffee I drank did nothing to really wake me up. All noises annoyed me. I just wanted to be back home and in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will just hang out in bed and sleep all day as I have decided to put the manuscript off, for now.

My therapist thinks I am also dissociating with my pain as I am not really feeling it. But I think it is more compartmentalizing than actual dissociation. I don’t lose time like I do when I dissociate. I just put the pain off on the back burners. I have an extremely high pain tolerance so it takes me a while to get in touch with my pain. But if it is being a brat, then I am in trouble and can’t put it in a box so to speak. But me writing that blog…that was pure madness. I was seriously suicidal. It is a good thing I don’t act on it. I had to check my pill counts to make sure I didn’t take more than I thought I did, and I didn’t. I have no new cuts on me or other evidence of self-harm. I just have this blog that got written while I was sleep deprived and no memory of having written it. My therapist liked it. It described accurately how I was feeling at that moment in time. I am just sorry that I worried a friend.

need for affiliation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a terrible mood today. I am glad my therapist doesn’t get all pissy and aggravated with me when I tell her that I am having a bad day and go away. Actually the more I tell her to go away, the more she sticks around and wants more sessions. I am glad today is that last of it and she didn’t volunteer to be seen tomorrow. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Already saw her twice this week and today I barely got by. I just am in a deep rut and though therapy usually helps, it sometimes make things worse when all you want to do is put the covers over your head.

I went out today. I walked a lot too. I know I am probably going to pay for it but I don’t care. I wanted a roast beef sandwich from Kelly’s and seeing as I am carless, I had no choice but to walk. I thought about taking a cab but I didn’t feel like paying $20 or more for the ride.

In therapy we talked about my manuscript. I don’t know when that got to be part of the therapeutic conversation. I just look at the binder I have it in and want to trash it or burn it. It just seems like a daunting task to me to edit this monster of pages. A fellow blogger has offered to read it but I don’t know if I am ready for anybody to read it except me, though I have no intentions to right now. I have to move stuff around and add some stuff. I think I am going to add a few blogs here and there as chapters. I know my Knackered blog is going in as a chapter. I did a stat summary and it is my most popular blog, with over 700 views alone. I also think that I am going to have the blog post the other night as a chapter, though I think I will delete the part of killing myself. I just don’t get how this book is going to be helpful to people when I am just telling them my darkest thoughts. It’s not a hopeful book, other than I wrote it and I am still struggling with these thoughts. I know my blog helps some people, and I wish they would comment or something. Hitting “like” is just not a real good indicator. Do they like the fact that I am telling people I have thoughts of death or do they understand the struggle or are they just sick and get off with me feeling this way? I never know. Some fellow bloggers or strangers do leave good comments but they are far and few in between. It’s not like I am looking for comments on all my work, but a few now and then would help. I guess you can say that I have the need for affiliation.

I am really tired and don’t know if I will be able to watch the game tonight. I asked my sister if I could borrow the car tonight to drop off my baby at FedEx. My shoulders were hurting me today otherwise I would have dragged the package with me as I was near there today. I think I slept wrong but don’t understand why BOTH shoulders are hurting. I know my neck muscles are wicked tight and not matter how much I stretch I can’t get the kinks out. I am rooting for two teams tonight, Indians and of course my Sox. The Indians need a win tonight because then the Snankees will be eliminated from playoff contention. If the Sox win, which I hope they will, they will have home field advantage. Unfortunately, they lost last night so they will not have 100 wins this season. I am kind of upset by this. I was so sure they were going to have the 100 mark. But I will take 98. The last three games are going to be tough because we are playing the Orioles. They are also in the playoff berth. The ALDS is going to be interesting!!