Tag: psychache

sleep deprived

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, college football, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

Sleep deprived

I didn’t get to sleep till 0600 this morning. I was babysitting last night and my sister came home after midnight. I was wound up so decided to read some Harry Potter. Big mistake. Next thing I knew it was 0300 and I caught my second wind. After I fell asleep, I only slept about two hours. I took some meds and tried to go back to sleep. Now I am cold and feeling lousy.

I watched half the football game today. Pats won 30-23. I wasn’t worried, even though the first half was a friggen nail biter.

While I was up, I wrote an email to my pdoc telling her how depressed I am. I just can’t seem to get on top of this depression year after year, month after month, day after day. I just don’t know what my life is worth living for. My therapist is no help in that department. All she keeps saying is that I “matter”. Matter to whom? It’s so frustrating. I got into an argument with the voices last night. Must have been around 0400 or so. They wanted me to take some Ativan but I had already taken some. I didn’t take all my meds last night, just the “important” ones, like my hormone pill. I feel really drained. And I know it’s because of the sleep deprivation. I don’t even know what day it is, though I think it’s Sunday, still. It’s just been a long ass day. I hope I sleep tonight because I have an appointment tomorrow that I have to keep. I also need to get my haircut at some point, either tomorrow or this week. If I wake up early enough, I can call Dell and have them figure out what payment is needed to fix my laptop. I am going to back up everything the day before I send it out. Everything else is backup, like my pics and stuff. Only thing that will need backing up is my word doc files.

I have been listening to “Just over” since I downloaded Luke Bryan’s Kill the Lights CD. It’s just an awesome beat and it keeps running through my head. Last night, I didn’t want to play my playlist because I feared music would “excite” me further while I was trying to sleep so I just kept playing this song on YouTube. That way when the music stopped, I could hopefully go to sleep. It didn’t work that way as I had to play it several times and each time it got me thinking about my therapist and how I think it really is over between us. I also wrote my therapist a letter some time during the night. I really wanted to write another blog but my babysitting duties interfered with that. I was kind of worried about my sister as she texted me around 10 and didn’t come home till after midnight. She said she was on her way home. She didn’t say she stopped to get food. That kind of annoyed me.

I had my phone set to “do not disturb” before I went to sleep at 6. I love this feature. You can have calls go through only if they are “favorites” or choose not to. I chose not to because I knew my mother would be calling while I slept and I was right. There were two missed calls when I got up after resting from the football game. Also, while babysitting, I watched, in entirety, the OSU game. Complete blowout. They kicked Rutgers ass and by the 3rd quarter, the Rutgers fans had left. It was awesome! OSU won 49-7. Rutgers finally scored the last two minutes in the 4th quarter. It was the only chance they had to avoid a shut out.

I think tomorrow is going to be a donut day. If I can get to a Dunkin, I will get my jelly donut I have been craving for the last few weeks. There is a Dunks down the street from me but it’s past my walking distance and they closed the one in the Square because the building was unstable. In another Square they opened up a donut shop that I think is vegan. I have had vegan donuts and before and they are pretty awesome. I’ll just have to finagle how to get my donuts.

Quote of the Day 25-Oct-2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Quotes, suicide

There are two basic, albeit contradictory, truths about suicide: A) Suicide should never be committed when one is depressed (or disturbed or constricted); and B) almost every suicide committed for reasons that make sense to the person who does it.–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Saturday Blog 35

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 35

Blake Shelton came out with his number one hits collection. Rather than buy it, I just thought I would make a playlist. Turns out I have all of the songs except two. So Monday when I get paid, I will get them. I figure I have the songs anyway, why buy the same ones? I am surprised that “Don’t make me” wasn’t a number one hit.

I finally made the bibliography list for the pile of research articles I have. I have them in alphabetical order. The hardest part was creating the actual reference in EndNote. Some of the authors that were the same weren’t recognized so were created as new. It annoyed me. Took me a couple of hours to put together but it’s done. Now I have three more folders to do.

A Twitter friend said that she read two books today. That made me feel bad because I haven’t been reading “Order of the Phoenix” at all the past few days. I read a couple of chapters today, so I will call that a success. I hope to finish or be close to finishing the book tonight. The writing is powerful and gives me anxiety so I have to take breaks from it. Next book I am reading is on the Lusitania. It’s a fairly mid-sized book so it’s going to take me a while to read it. I know I have all this time in the world to read, but I just don’t have the concentration ability to actually do it. Today I am kind of forcing myself to read as I listen to Blake Shelton, when I really want to watch the Nebraska game and just zone out. But watching TV makes me sleepy afterwards and I want to save my energy for the OSU game at 2000. I found out today that baseball won’t resume until Tuesday. If there is a game 7, it will be in November! I don’t know how the MLB can draw out the post season like this. I don’t ever recall post season games going past Halloween. They are usually done by then. I guess the one day play off games really messed with the schedule.

I’m still feeling really depressed. I am tempted to email my pdoc to tell her I am sinking. Then I think, what good will that do? She can’t do nothing about my mood. There is no magic pill she can give me to stop the psychological pain that I am feeling. I am thinking about restarting Zoloft but I am not sure I can with the fricken nausea it gives me. I might be fine for a month or two, but then I always get the dry heaves and sometimes I vomit. Not good. And it always happens when the medication peaks so I didn’t always put two and two together. Before I did, I seriously thought there was something wrong with my stomach acid pill or my stomach. Then when I stopped the Zoloft, everything went back to normal. I wasn’t nauseous anymore. Other than telling her maybe a low dose of Zoloft might help, I don’t think she will be helpful for me. I have to email her next week to let her know how my appointment with my therapist goes. Maybe then I will ask about the Zoloft. Even if it’s a placebo effect I am looking for, so be it. It’s better than being without an antidepressant.

Random 934

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Yesterday afternoon, I took a heavy dose of gabapentin. I wanted to sleep so that I didn’t feel anything. Only thing is, it backfired. I woke up around 0200 and then around 0630. Usually, I am able to sleep all night but some reason, I had these sleeping stints. It was very disappointing and now I have a hang over that is not very nice. I need coffee badly. I will make some soon, probably after this blog.

I still feel shitty. I still want to die. I’d welcome a bus hitting me right now and killing me. Or a Mack truck. I just feel so empty and alone. Even though I live with my family members, I still feel like I am an outsider. I don’t really feel close to them. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don’t. I awoke again with ankle pain. I guess it is physical because the gaba would have taken care of the nerve pain. I fucking hate being in pain every single fucking day. I can’t get relief. And add in the heartache of depression, you got some serious pain going on.

While I was on Twitter, they have told me that the drug Ketamine can help with suicidal thoughts but it is short acting. They also say that it helps with depression. I don’t know if it has been approved but if it is, I am going to ask my pdoc about it when I see her next. I can’t go on like this. The psychache is too profound. I know part of it has to do with my therapist situation. Hopefully that will get cleared up when I talk with her next, provided her damn phone works. I know it is frustrating for her, but it’s also frustrating for me because I don’t get to talk to her. Lately we just have been texting each other. We are adults, not kids. Soon as I find out how much my laptop is going to be fixed, I am going to apply for Zipcar. I hope that after three years of not really driving puts my record in good shape. I was denied before because I got a speeding ticket and was in an accident (not my fault) with my car. It was two separate occasions and months apart. The speeding ticket was my fault because I was in the state police area and knew they watched the speed limits. I was dumb and should have slowed down. I still kick myself for getting the ticket.

If I get the Zipcar, I will be able to drive more frequently, as long as I have money in my account. Then I will be able to see my therapist in person so I can smack her silly with pillows. Monday can’t come soon enough. I really want to get my laptop fixed. That is the priority right now more than the Zipcar. I just hope it doesn’t cost me more than what they posted. It will kill me if my entire check is used to fix my laptop.

Today the OSU game is on ABC so I will be able to watch it if I am out of this hangover. Probably going to need more than one cup of coffee today.