Tag: psychological pain

Rant continues from last night, but no suicidality

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Rant continues from last night, but no suicidality

I didn’t fall asleep until around 0300, woke up around 0630, and then finally at 0930 I gave up. It was a really bad night with side effects and pain. My arms and legs felt like they were being stretched. The spasticity was incredible. But luckily the Ativan did its magic and I got some relief. Too bad it also didn’t knock me out. The ball game ended around 0230. I figured I might as well listen to the game as I was up and they were playing extra innings in an already delayed game. We lost because an ineffective relief pitcher likes to give up homeruns. Every single time this guy is up, he gives up a homerun. Soon as he was called in with two men on you knew the game was over. I got pissed off but what can you do really. I sent some obnoxious tweets about the game, least I think I did. I was tweeting most of the night, either on my phone or on my computer.

Had therapy today and my therapist was in more of a talking mood than I was. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. That really pissed me off. I wanted to talk about stuff, like my suicidality going on hiatus, but never really got the chance. Last night is usually a night where the demons come out and I become really suicidal but I never did. I don’t know why that is. It is strange to me. I am not saying I would have ended my life last night, but I am just wondering where the suicidality went. It was like the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe my coping strategies have improved around my physical pain. I certainly wasn’t feeling psychache, or psychological pain, last night, not even in the wee hours of the morning. I wasn’t hopeless about my situation and I think that is a key component. If I felt like the spasticity was going to go on forever or that the physical pain was unbearable, I think I might have become suicidal.

I told my therapist it is weird not being suicidal. She went off with her psychobabble about why that is. I don’t even remember half of what she said. I wasn’t really paying attention to her. But the gist is she thinks that the Cymbalta gave me a lift that neither one of us was expecting. She thinks I might be a little hypomanic as I texted her more frequently than I have in the past but that was because I was hurting and wanted her to know. I wanted someone to know that I was in bad shape. Who else you gonna tell at 0200?? I don’t think that I am hypomanic. I am eating. I am not euphoric or in a real good mood. I still feel run down but that is probably because my allergies are killing me. I feel okay. I am not terribly depressed and I am not terribly feeling up. I am just somewhere in the middle. I feel content, I guess you can say. I just hope it lasts. I know it won’t though. Something always happens to bring me down. Or maybe the effects of the Cymbalta will wear off and I will just feel down again. But I will deal with it when it comes. It is rare that I feel this way. I am not hopeful that things will stay this way but I am not going to knock it.

Feeling suicidal has been a such a big part of my life that when I am not feeling it, it feels weird. I wonder if this is how “normal” people feel. I just don’t feel so dragged down by stuff. I don’t know, maybe I just feel free but free from what, I don’t know. I am realizing that my parents don’t know me and never will. And being suicidal because I didn’t have their approval hurt really bad. But I will never have their approval. A friend of mine sent me a link saying that Medicare is banning transgender reassignment surgery. I feel really down about this, not saying that I was going to have it, but I would have liked the option now that I am on Medicare. Seems like I have to put my transgender stuff on hold, again. I can never move forward with it like I want to. I should be in a suicidal crisis because of this but I am not. I think I am just waiting for my chance to die. The other day as I was crossing the street, a semi was coming down the road. I quickly thought, “this is my chance”. But he wasn’t going fast enough. I knew that if I did jump in front I would have survived. And I might be in worst condition than I am now. So some suicidal elements are present. It just isn’t 24/7 like it used to be.

No Rest for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

No Rest for the weary

I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.

I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.

I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.

So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.

Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.

It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.

blog about book and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My sister had a BBQ today. I didn’t stay long. Just long enough to stuff my face and then leave. I wasn’t feeling very social. I told my father he has a doc appointment tomorrow so I didn’t have to call him. He called me anyway tonight to find out what time he had to leave his house. Bugger. I also have to deal with him on Wednesday. I would rather have back to back sessions with my therapist than deal with my father’s appointments.

I have been in a low mood all day. I slept after I ate and just woke up in time to take my night meds. I don’t feel rested. But I do feel restless. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what. I don’t feel much like reading, though I probably should as the books keep getting higher instead of lower. I am reading a book on the Myths of suicide. It’s an interesting book. But it stirs too much feeling up for me that I have to read it in spurts.

The other books that I am reading is on the civil war, experiences of depression, and Far from the tree. I also seem to read multiple books at the same time. I can never decide which one to read or what will suit my mood. I am also reading a book about blunders in history. That is a book that I read on my travels. I mostly read that when I am on the train.

Tomorrow I am going to have to pay for my coffee. I can’t use my Starbucks card because there are no funds on it and it would be stupid to add three dollars on to it. I found a new coffee, Brezza. It is so good. I hope it lasts throughout the summer.

Despite today being a holiday, my therapist was in the office so we had a session. A useless session. I just felt like we were talking with an elephant in the room but ignoring the elephant. Though I don’t really know what the elephant was standing for. We went over the Experiences book but she doesn’t remember a lot about it as it has been years since she last read about Blatt. She wants me to skip some chapters and just focus on the anaclitic depression and interjection of depression but I can’t do that. I HAVE to read a book from start to finish. I know some people can mix up the chapters and just read what they want to read but I feel like you miss something if you do that. Course, when I was reading Dostoevsky, I found his writing to be able to pass on and others you cannot. His writing is similar to mine, though definitely not in depth. He will start writing about a couple of things and then go off on tangents. I find that some of my blogs go the same way. I do miss reading his works. Maybe after I finish one of my books, I will re-read the Idiot, a book I read in college.

Still not feeling any suicidal inclinations. It is so weird not being suicidal after you have been suicidal for so long. I am by no means saying I am better. I still have horrible depressions and psychotic episodes. I just don’t feel like killing myself all the time. Maybe that is the elephant in the room today. I wanted to talk about my non-suicidal feelings and my therapist didn’t really give me a chance to do so. I hate when that happens. She was more focus on how I was going to deal with my father the next few days. He can make me feel so small and also cause me to drink. I am not an alcoholic but only drink when all my buttons have been pushed by him. It’s either drink or do something destructive.

I should email the AAS editor and see when my blog is next going to be posted. It has been more than a month and I still have not heard anything. Maybe they don’t want my story any more but it would be nice to be told that.

hardest week to get through

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am feeling a little better today. I was able to get up and do some things. One of the things I did was read and study the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a book written by Sydney Blatt. He is a good writer but a lot of the concepts are foreign to me as it has been years since I read about Freud. He also is talking a lot of psychoanalytical stuff that I just am clueless about. But his thoughts about depression, I think are solid. I am taking notes so that I can talk about it with my therapist on Monday. She is the one that introduced me to Blatt.

I so far have avoided taking a nap. Having a 4 pm ball game is helping to keep me from resting my head on a pillow. I did make myself a cup a tea and make myself some lunch. I still don’t have that much of an appetite, but I am eating. I am also trying to increase my fluid intake because after the serious side effects I had the other night, I don’t know if it was because of dehydration or side effects of the abilify. I really have not been drinking fluids except for the few sips I take with my medication. And with me sleeping most of the time, I know I am dehydrated a little bit.

This week has been the hardest to get through. I am glad that I am not so sleepy as I have been most of the week. But that might change. I think the Cymbalta is finally starting to give me a little kick. I just hope it’s not too much of a kick. I really don’t want to be manic, though I would welcome some euphoria.

What really has been surprising me all week is that I haven’t been in too much pain. My physical pain has been minimal to nonexistent. But I think that is because I really have not been out of bed except to go to the bathroom or eat something. I hope the level of pain stays the way it has been but I don’t think it will. My foot is cold today and that always means a flare up later. Weather has been beautiful all week, not like I have enjoyed much of it. I really have been under the covers.

I have to say that despite the physical symptoms of my depression, I have not been suicidal. I really don’t know why that is. Usually when my depression is bad, I am nothing but suicidal. I told my therapist during our last session that if I become suicidal again, via text as the case usually is, that she is to implement the SSF despite my protests. I think it would be interesting to fill one out when I am in the middle of a suicidal mind set. The hardest part is knowing when a suicidal crisis will occur. I already know certain factors are involved: physical pain, hopelessness, suicidality, low depression, and helplessness or psychache. This combination of feelings is more than likely to send me over the edge at any given moment.