Tag: psychosis

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

BookCoverImage

Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

Pink Pill Part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

This is what I wrote prior to the blog, “really don’t care”

14-4-14 Pink Pill Part 2

Not doing good. Just realized, I’m becoming delusional over a blogger. I’m convinced this blogger is out to get me somehow though the actual odds of this happening are quite nill. I haven’t been taking the pink pill, mostly because I keep forgetting to or I just thought I can get away with taking it every other day. The pill is expensive for me. But I really need it to keep the delusions away. Luckily, the voices haven’t started up, but I think that is why I have been in a gloomy mood the past few days.

I also have not been taking my mood stabilizer. I haven’t had the inclination to refill my weekly pill box so just been taking what I feel like taking. I think I might end up in the hospital soon if I don’t start taking all my pills. Psychosis for me always means ending up in the hospital.

I don’t know how skipping the pills got started. My editor sent me the first read through late Friday night and I couldn’t sleep so worked on the edits. I wasn’t feeling good and didn’t take everything that night, except my hormone pill, which I have to take to avoid my menses. But I don’t know when the delusions started. I never really do, they just creep up on me. I guess I am hearing internal voices that are saying that this blogger is out to get me when I know there I is no likelihood of this actually happening. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with getting my book published in a week. I thought I was handling everything okay. Until the conversation with this blogger became more frequent.

I’m also feeling suicidal. I feel this should end. I can’t sleep. I am in awful spasms from the pink pill. It likes to turn my muscles into a rubber ball. With my suicidality up, I am thinking of taking more meds than I should. I already took my required dose today but I want to take more so I can sleep. But I know I will be betraying my pdoc and I can’t risk that, not without calling her first. But it’s late and I hate calling her at this hour. I’m getting to be a wreck. I can’t handle stress like a “normal” person. I just want some sleep so I took some Neurontin. It works in a pinch. Also will help with the burning pain that I am feeling.

And the only reason I am a wreck is because I missed a few days of the pink pill. Weird that out of all my meds, this pill is the one I am most dependent on. Because when I am on it, no delusions, no paranoia, and no voices.

It amazes me that all I need is 10 mg of the pink pill and I am sane. It’s the only pill that works for me. I have been on others but none work like this drug. It is my savior. Savior from hospitalizations. Least I hope so…

horrible feeling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I was supposed to type up a blog tonight about things but never got to so I will post it another time.

I got a little crazy last night, actually, more impatient because I wasn’t falling asleep fast enough. I was really tired and took my meds but my damn brain just wouldn’t shut off. Then I got really paranoid. I still believe a fellow blogger is after me though I know that is highly unlikely. I just can’t help feel that this person is out to get me, and is watching what I say I do through the web. I know part of this is because I missed taking my meds the beginning of the week. Not taking the pink pill really does a number on me when I don’t take it. My therapist wants me in the hospital. Pisses me off because other than babysitting me, what the hell are they going to do?? I have to give the meds time to work. Sure they can drug me up good like the last time I was there but I don’t want that. They had me on almost 12 mg of trilafon at one point because I was paranoid WHILE in the hospital. I thought the staff was going to harm me and wanted to barricade myself in my room. But I thought if I did that, how would my roommates get to their stuff and bed so I didn’t. I told the contact person, who made me get some PRNs and I got drugged up some more. I hated it. The regular voices that I had went bye-bye and I was all alone. I hated it.

I told myself that if I became psychotic again, I wouldn’t let my therapist or psychiatrist talk me into going in the hospital. I will do whatever it takes to avoid another hospitalization. Right now, I am trying not to obsess about my stats too much. I don’t know why I have to be such a nerd. I check my blog stats, I check my sales stats, it’s always stats. And I did poorly in the class that I took. I never understood, and still don’t, know what the numbers really mean. It took me hours to get it. Now, I understand a little more but I really just look at sample size and the P value of things rather than percentages and graphs. I hate graphs. I always had a hard time making them in college. I could never get the Y and X values right. I always mixed them up so my graph looked stupid.

I had therapy today. My therapist is worried about me. A few bloggers are too. I just hate feeling this way. I just want to end it and I don’t have a real good explanation on why I want to die. Is that terrible? I just published my book and now I want to die. What does that say? No one knows how I feel. I just feel fucking crazy right now. The voices keep telling me I am being watched. It’s a horrible feeling. Hope that it only takes a few PRNs to make them go away.

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.