Tag: psychosis

still inpatient 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide attempt

It’s Sunday and I am still here. I probably will be here for a while as I found out last night that there is no set discharge date for me. This upsets me. I talked with my pdoc and told her that even though she is on vacation, I want to be discharged and that I will email her every day until I see her on the 22nd. I am still having suicidal thoughts and stuff but they are lessening. I think the new medication is helping me. I really want to be in my own bed again.

Since I have a bunch of time on my hands while I am in here, I have written a lot in my journal and written a few letters to my therapist. She is on vacation also. I really miss her and hope that when I get out of here I can borrow my sister’s car and see her. I haven’t seen her since June. She misses me as much as I miss her. I am trying my best to get out of here and still be safe.

I had an ankle flare up the other day and I can’t seem to calm it down. It is bugging the crap out of me. I had the doc change my medication orders so I take two pills instead of one. This has helped me tremendously. I feel like I can now be better now, least where my pain is concerned.

I wrote out a treatment plan for my case manager last night, I am hoping that it shows that I am trying to work on my issues. I know that this unit cannot work on ALL my issues but I just want to work at least on a little bit so that feel a little better. If I can work on the self-hate and “like” myself a little bit, I think that will decrease my suicidality enough that I can be okay. I will find out tomorrow if this plan is going to be acceptable to my treaters. It is the only think that I have going for me. If they tell me they cannot work with me on this a little bit than I have no other choice than to sign a 3 day and leave AMA [against medical advise]. Course, it might back fire on me and lead to a court commitment but I will worry about that later. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

Last night was rough for me as I wanted to write out my will and testament and a good bye letter to my friend. Actually, it was more to write out what I want him to do in case of my demise. My contact person talked me out of doing this. She wanted me to work on a self-compassionate letter instead. I have yet to write this. I might work on that today, though it is going to be difficult.

I had a tough day with family. One of my cousins called and wanted me to visit him but when I told him I was in the hospital, it was like I did it on purpose and didn’t want to see him as he told me in advance he was coming up {he lives in Virginia}. I felt very upset by this. I then told him not to tell my aunt about my being in the hospital because I don’t want her to know. He then flipped out about that. It was like a no win situation with him that just left me feeling upset. Then my sister texted me wanting me to tell her what medication I was on. I just felt like I was being bombarded by family. I didn’t answer my sister’s text.

I talked with my contact person. It was the same one I had last night. She is good and I like talking with her. I told her I was feeling depressed and wasn’t sure if I could keep my safety outside the hospital, which is true. I still am having suicidal thoughts and plans. I don’t know if I would act on those plans but I know that they are still there. I really feel like I should do something. I am feeling agitated and perturbed. I told my contact person that my “normal” voices aren’t there. I am missing them very badly and I think that is what is making me feel perturbed. I hope they come back so that I have someone to talk to. I feel lonely without them.

I am thinking of a good friend tonight. I found out she has suffered a stroke and is in the ICU. Her left side is affected and so is her speech. She is a very religious person so I know that god will take good care of her. I just hope she doesn’t suffer. If you bloggers can send her good thoughts, I would most appreciate it.

wondering if it was all a dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

wondering if it was all a dream

I took yesterday off from blogging. I was in too much emotional pain to get my thoughts together. I emailed my psychiatrist today to tell her how I was feeling. I see her Friday but my last message to her was about how suicidal I was. I wanted to tell her that has lifted a bit but I still have a profound depression that is rearing its ugly head. I also wanted to let her know I got my fucking menses again. For the past several weeks, I have been dealing with the self-hate of being TG. Now having my menses are just fucking with me and my self-worth. I came pretty close to doing something this time. I had the suicidal impulses and that to me was scary. I didn’t do anything, other than take an extra Ativan to calm down the perturbation/impulsivity. Most of the suicidal thoughts are gone since I started menstruating, which isn’t supposed to happen because I am on pills to stop the fucker. But I still am in tough depression.

So I emailed my psychiatrist and told her, plainly, what was going on. I bet she probably figured out before I did that my suicidal tendencies were due to hormonal shifts. I did tell her the next time it happens, I might not be so lucky. One would think that because I have no job, that writing has become more than a hobby for me, and that I keep myself occupied, I shouldn’t really be depressed. MYTH! I could be deeply depressed even if I was working a full-time job. I know, I have been deeply depressed for years when I was working full-time. Now my writing has taken a little more of a hobby capacity. It has become my livelihood. You could say that I am living because I blog. But after a while, I can’t think of something fresh to write about and the depression hinders my thinking. I panic when this happens. I never know when a depressive episode is going to land me in the hospital. I know my hospitalizations have decreased over the years but I still need one a year, lately. It is just a way for me to recharge my batteries. I hate going in because it sucks waiting in the ER for a long time. I get bored and have to try not to use all the battery on my phone because reception sucks and it drains it all. I usually bring myself to the hospital because I don’t want my family to know. Should I be in the hospital because of this last suicidal episode? I don’t know. I am not feeling like ending my life as much as I did this weekend. My therapist was confused about the texts I sent her. It wasn’t a clear SOS. But then, I always become deceptive when I am suicidal. You can’t kill yourself if a professional knows the 411. Course, if I sent the same message to my pdoc, it probably would have landed me in the hospital. My pdoc doesn’t mess around.

I still wonder why I am still here. I should be dead with how heavy the suicidal thoughts were a yesterday. Course yesterday feels like it was ages ago. I am not saying I lost time. I was fully present throughout the day but now that I have my stupid menses, those heavy thoughts are no longer there and I am wondering if it was all a dream. Every time I get those experiences, I often wonder afterwards, was it a dream. But I know from the texts and blogs I wrote it wasn’t.

My therapist read the therapy and coffee blog that I sent her. She is a little embarrassed about it because I make her sound like a nut job. That wasn’t my intention. I asked her if she wanted me to take it down. She said no because I am free to write whatever I feel like writing. But now I am wondering if I should write a blog about lyrics and therapy. I worked hard on the coffee blog. I would hate to take it down.

Blog Anniversary-2nd Year

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blog Anniversary

Today is my two year anniversary of starting my blog. I just gained 500 followers. I guess that is fitting. One of the last two people to become a follower is a clinician. I read her blog about inpatient treatment. We exchanged some comments. That is what I like about the blog world. You never know who you are touching or following you.

Having a rough day. Been trying to write something about coffee and therapy and I am failing at it. I wrote something for half an hour but the flies on my front porch got to me and I had to go into the house. I thought I would type what I wrote but that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know why I am struggling with this piece of writing. Sure it is personal, but all my blogs are. I do have a pain flare going on so that might be one of the reasons why I am struggling. I just can’t get comfortable. Maybe I will work on it later tonight once the pain meds have worn off. And hopefully this migraine that has been brewing will stop.

Today was a good weather day but I was lazy after I took my shower. It sucked all the energy out of me and I had to take a nap afterwards. By the time I woke up from my nap, I had already missed the bus so I was pissed at myself for sleeping so late. I wanted to go out. I still might as I want to get some donuts. I have been craving one for weeks now. Also been craving Chinese food but I don’t have the money for that, least not until next week.

I am also struggling with thoughts of death. Past few hours, I have thought of nothing but killing myself. The pain is driving me nuts and my heart has begun aching, which combined, just kills me. I haven’t told my therapist because I figure why bother. She is out of the office until Monday so it’s not like I am going to get a response. Besides, it’s not like she can do something about it. Most she will do is “contract for safety”, which is stupid. It’s not like she can really stop me from harming myself if I really want to. I just have to figure out how to kill myself as my previous plans are out the window, so to speak. I still have thoughts of hanging but where? I can’t do it in my room as the ceiling is too low and I don’t want to be home when I do it. I just feel so stuck in trying to kill myself too that it just leads to more frustration.

I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired, so very tired to the point of total exhaustion of struggling all the time with one thing or another. Either I am struggling with myself, or I am struggling in pain. I don’t know what psychological pain feels like anymore because my physical pain has been too great it overwhelms everything else. Yesterday my mother told me that I should see yet another doctor at another hospital. I told her I was done seeing doctors. They can’t find what is wrong with my ankle to do anything about it anyways. I have a vague diagnosis of tendonitis or CRPS or maybe something else. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I hurt almost 24/7. The only time I don’t feel any pain is when I sleep and that is iffy at best. Luckily, today I had around 6 straight hours. But I still woke up in pain. Luckily, the pain was manageable as I was able to finally take a shower. I hate the summer because I sweat more and stink. I usually shower every other day but with my pain levels being the way they are, it is more like every three days tops. Last week, I almost went a week without showering because I was on bedrest and in a LOT of pain.

So I hope to get to the rest of my Coffee and therapy story tonight. But if I don’t, it will make an interesting blog for next week.

I don’t know what happened

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t know what happened

I took a big dose of Nyquil to calm my cough down and get some sleep from the allergies that have been plaguing me all day. Within an hour or so, I got a buzzed feeling and decided to sleep. Nope…not happening. I then got an itching for ice cream and had some. Well, that was stupid of me. Now I really can’t sleep and my ankle is sore as hell for going up and down the stairs.

I don’t know where all this energy is coming from. I am not high per se, but I am somewhere in between. My Sox are losing and I should be paying attention to the game rather than writing this blog, but I have no interest in the Indians. I am in a writing mood and that almost never happens. SO I am going to write…

I was listening to a song earlier about “got a little drunk last night” by the Eli Young Band. It got me thinking about my ex. I know I have not talked about her on here because it just is too painful. She was my first love and at this point, I think she will be my only love. But she has a lot of issues. More issues than you can shake a stick at. I won’t get into them but mainly her health is what scares me the most. She recently re-friended me on Facebook and then after an IM session blocked me. I have no idea what I said that caused that to happen. We were talking about how to get to a hospital that is very difficult to get to when you are not used to the surrounding areas. I was trying to get her to use public transportation as that would be easier than driving and poof, she was gone. Her medical issues are getting worse and I just can’t handle it. I know she is going to die sooner than I would because she most likely will go on dialysis for her kidney issues. She has diabetes to boot. And MS. And that is what I know of. She has psych issues too, which is probably why she went and blocked me. I feel bad about her blocking me. I thought this time around we might be friends without the benefits sort of. But now, it is not going to happen because she blocked my ass. I never had anyone block me before, least not that I know of anyway. I miss talking with her. And I guess that was the bottom line. But oh well. Se la vie. She is out of my life, probably for good this time around. It’s her loss.

I do miss having someone in my life that I can talk to. Someone to go out with and hang with. But at the same time, I am glad I don’t because I don’t need the stress of a relationship right now. I can barely keep myself together. My aunt just IM’d me. Said she wants to talk with me. Great. And I know it has to do with my book. I don’t know if I can handle talking about my book with someone. I know she is my aunt, but we aren’t that close, close. She suffers from depression too. Maybe that is what she wants to talk about. I just don’t want to cry in front of her. That would not be good.

I went shopping after everything I did today. BAD IDEA. My fricken foot is not happy with me right now. It’s swollen and it hurts. It is very angry with me. And I am angry with myself. I knew that walking around the grocery store was going to trigger another flare up but I needed my flame retardant Powerade as I only had one bottle left. I spent more than I should have as I went a little crazy. The baked beans were on sale. I love baked beans. My mother told me to buy two, and I bought four. Then I had to buy bread and ice cream. I really didn’t need the ice cream but wanted to have it. I just had some, in case you were wondering. A late night snack. I really want to make a cheeseburger but I will tomorrow. I am in no condition to operate a stove. I still feel buzzed out from the Nyquil.

I am going to ask my therapist what the hell are the objects Freudians talk about in their literature. It is bugging the crap out of me. I just hope I remember to ask her. Because unless you know what the hell they are talking about, the sentences make no sense!!

This week’s AAS post was about coming out as an attempt survivor and then getting fired because of it. It is discrimination just like I was discriminated against because of my mobility issues. But getting back to the article, I think it was an eye opener. Now I feel that anyone that reads my book is going to know my deep darkness and it might cost me a job or two or three. Leave aside my debt issues, and what do I have to show for the last two years? Writing this blog and a book about my struggles with mental illness. I am lucky I am on disability because I really don’t think I can hold a job anymore than I can stand more than twenty minutes in one place. I want to be a barista but I don’t think I can stand to be on my feet for eight hours. Course, working at a place where you can screw up a double skinny no whip latte can be challenging and then having to make it again because it is “cold”, might piss me off. I vowed after working for a place for three years that went out of business, that I would not go back to retail. But I like customer service. I like interacting with people. It is the one thing that I miss most about not working is the isolation it brings. I don’t have many friends outside of the internet. Sure I have family but if you look at my call list, you will not see that many calls from friends where there used to be many. I hardly go over my limit of 450 minutes anymore because most of my calls are mobile to mobile. The only person to call me from a landline is my mother, usually. My father will also call from a landline. And the most they will talk to me is a minute or two. Boring.

I don’t know why I am getting pain in my “good” leg. Started with zaps in my heel and ankle and now I am getting pain in my calf. I think something is wrong with my back. I haven’t been getting back pain but for me to be having pain down my leg, it has to be coming from the back. And that scares me. I don’t want another surgery. I don’t even want to see another neurosurgeon for the rest of my life. I will kill myself if I have to have another back operation to repair my disc. I will have to have a fusion and I just don’t want to because that will mean permanent disability. Not saying I can work now but there is a chance I might find office work as a receptionist or something but that will go down the tubes if my back is gone and fused. I will lose whatever mobility I have and I just can’t risk that. I rather be dead.