Tag: psychosis

a little of this and that and transgender too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Had a horrible day. Spent the entire late morning/afternoon at the hospital with my dad. They still have no idea what is wrong with him and it is starting to piss me off. I feel like my father is living my life in the “I don’t know what is wrong with you” circle. He had some scans done and we will be back next week to find out the results of those scans. Just lovely. Another day of boredom. I will be bringing my laptop and my manuscript so I will have something to work on while waiting for the doc.

I got to talk to my cousin today. Found out my aunt’s wake is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. Not looking forward to it but you have to show up and pay respect and say goodbye. It’s going to be a sad day for me.

I am pretty exhausted from today and in pain. I was in pain most of the day yesterday so all I did was sleep most of the day and then be up most of the night. I rather sleep during the day and be up all night. I miss working second shift. It was the perfect balance of not being a day person and being a night person.

I talked with my therapist for the last time this week and she is on vacation next week because it’s school vacation. We talked about my book and how it is affecting me and then she wanted to know more about the voices and I flipped out a little. I couldn’t tell her but did tell her that the voice I hear is actually her, well, not really her but her persona or something. I can’t explain it. It is just something that happens to me. I hear a voice and it will get stuck in my head and start talking to me is the best way to put it. That is why sometimes songs get their go around in my head and I can’t stop it unless I take medication. I had this one voice last summer that just wanted to talk to me at night, just before sleeping. And boy, was she demanding. I would nod off and she would get all offended. And the more sleepy I was, the more she would ask questions! So annoying! I am glad she is gone and hope she doesn’t come back!

I have to get dressed up tomorrow. I hate getting dressed up. I don’t have clothes that fit me anymore except for one pair of pants. And it is going to be cold so I have to wear a long sleeved shirt, which because I gained weight, I have only one that fits. If I didn’t have breasts, I would be fine. Things would fit nicely. Pisses me off that I have them. But then I will never be a “guy”. Just in my head I will be one. To the rest of the world I am a FEMALE, like it says on my medicare card I got the other day. How degrading. I could have killed myself over it. But I guess I am getting better at living this double life, even if it is painful. I recently heard that Facebook has changed gender roles. I wonder what that is about. I haven’t looked at it because in my mind you are either a female or a male. I am a male, but in a female’s body. So, yea, I kind of get the confusion. UGH. This sucks. If only we were to choose what we wanted to be at the age of five none of this identity confusion would exist. Just because you are born one way doesn’t mean you are truly that way. Now I feel suicidal because I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself. I am despicable.

time and patience

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

Last night I was in excruciating pain. It was terrible. I emailed my psychiatrist that I was done. If my PCP wants me to jump hula hoops he has another thing coming. I am not buying into it anymore. I no longer care what is causing my pain. I know what helps my pain and that should be all that matters. He isn’t questioning my blood pressure medication. Why the hell is he giving me a hard time about my pain medication. I am sick of it. After last night, I swore to myself this was it. It’s the weekend so I can’t do a thing about it. My foot still hurts so I won’t be going out like I had wanted to. It probably would hurt me anyways.

I know I posted a lot yesterday and last night. I got the writing bug back so please forgive me. I have to express myself the best way I know how, by writing.

The President of the AAS posted an article about how the mental health care in the UK is going down the tubes. It’s been going down the tubes in the US for some time now. I know, I have been apart of the system. The hospitalizations don’t care about stabilizing you they just care if you aren’t going to hurt yourself when you leave. And then it is up to incompetent clinicians who don’t know how to deal with suicide and suicide ideation. Most don’t want to change their practice to the new system. Some won’t even attend a seminar about it. I think it has to be mandatory, statewide or they cannot renew their license. That is what I think. If they were to get into a program of CAMS or use the SSF I think there would be a lot less suicides out there for people that want help and this way here they won’t be turned down. But I don’t think there are enough clinicians to do the job. Graduate programs only have a minimum of five or six slots per year. That is a very small number for new clinicians. I also think there should be incentives to work with the population that most needs it. It’s all about triage. But can triage really work in the mental health system? Who is to say that the quiet kid in the corner who is hurting is not the worse off than the one screaming at the top of his lungs because voices are telling him they are going to kill him. I don’t have all the answers. But for those that want help should have priority over those that don’t want help. But unfortunately, those that don’t want help are truly the ones that need it the most. Those are the ones that will end up killing themselves. There is no easy balance. Everyone’s needs are different. And if you shy away from that person, you leave a bad impression about being cared for in that person’s mind.

In my case, if I stopped going to a therapist every time they left me, I would not be here. Sure, when that therapist left it gave me a bad taste in my mouth. But I knew I needed help and so I sought it out. Not every therapist is right for every person. Sometimes you have to go through several to find the one you can talk to the most and won’t be so judgmental, or feel like they are. It took me 11 therapists to find the one that I have been with for more than a decade now. It just takes time and patience to find that right one.

Sucky Sucky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sucky Sucky Day

My day started with waking up at four in the morning to pain in my right foot, which made my left jealous, so it decided to hurt too. I couldn’t take two pain pills because I had to be up in a few hours for the dreaded appt with dad. So I just took one and finally fell asleep for about an hour before my mother woke me up at 7. I have had shitty sleep the past four fricken weeks. I don’t remember the last time I slept for more than 6 hours straight. My average has been five hours a night. Doesn’t matter what time I get to bed, it is always about five hours. When I did get up before my alarm went off, my feet were still hurting me. Luckily I knew my right would tamper off once I started moving about. My left was up in the air as to whether it would comply with walking or not.

Went to my dad’s appointment and my dad, the juvenile that he is, proceeded to show me every cut on his face that he made with his razor. Are you kidding me? He is eighty-one years old. I told him he needed a new razor and he told me that the new razor is what caused it. UGH. Surprisingly, we didn’t have to wait too long for the doctors. Everything looks fine and we get to come back in three months for another follow up visit. Great. Too bad I still got to deal with my father next week too.

I got home about a half hour before my therapy appointment. And thank goodness I was home. I got the runs and I guess sharted myself without, of course, realizing it. That blew my temper. I also am now in another fucking mense cycle so that added to my joy. If I had a gun, I know I would have used it by now. My therapist would have been waiting for me to text her back and then worry when I wouldn’t answer the phone.

But the day is not done yet…on the way home, I got a wicked sense of paranoia/foreboding. Luckily by the time I got to the station it went away. I talked about it with my therapist and she said to add it to the list of things to talk about with my therapist. Fine. A couple hours later, I am back on Facebook and my vision blurs out. I cannot focus my stupid eyes on anything, even with my glasses on. The back of my neck hurts and then WHAM, I am hit with an ice pick in my eye, classic for migraine city. I am like you got to be fucking kidding me. I am laying down, trying to rest after dosing myself with my migraine medicine and aspirin, when my sister calls me to let me know she is home with my mother’s groceries. So up and down the stairs I go, a half a dozen trips. My ankle LOVES ME NOW! NOT!! My ankle is killing me. My head exploded and then I felt sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to puke. Laying down made things worse so I had to sit up in bed with the lights out. Luckily the damn sun was doing down so my room got really dark. I keep it that way anyways because I am so sensitive to light that any brightness will trigger a migraine attack. My head finally cleared up when I decided to blog, otherwise there probably would not be a blog today. I wouldn’t be able to see what I was writing as my vision was so impaired. I really hate when my migraines cut my vision like that. It is really scary.

The best part of the day though was when my thumb started doing its twitching thing. I kept thinking it was my imagination (like I hoped it would be), until I placed it on the laptop and then my hand started twitching. Fuck. Now I really have to say something to my doctor about it. HA, but which doctor should I choose: psychiatrist (could be side effects), neurologist, or Primary? I don’t see my neuro till April and it doesn’t happen all the time. But it is getting more frequent in nature. I am not sure what it is. It could be nothing but a spasm or maybe carpel tunnel? As if I don’t have enough to worry about…

Others have anxiety, I become psychotic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

My sister and niece took me out for breakfast this morning. It was a very cool day. We got to the restaurant and these two guys were competing to be heard in the noisy atmosphere. I thought I was going to go nuts. Well I did. Loud noises make the voices come out more than anything and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. While others would get nervous or have anxiety over that kind of stuff, I become psychotic. Lucky they were just finishing up their breakfast and they left a little while after we were waiting for our food. I was grateful for them to leave.

My day started early. I emailed my writing partner around 7 am to let her know I was editing my book. I guess it kind of frazzled me as I realized a whole couple of sections were missing from the printed manuscript I had and the edited version of my document. I was freaking out. Sure enough I had deleted so I panicked. I had to get the original version of my file to copy and paste what I really wanted in the edited version. I was beyond frustrated and have decided to go with an editor. I found one on Facebook and she is reasonably price. I talked with her today and is going to charge me only $250 for my book, where I was looking at other editing services it was 10 times that amount. I think I am getting a good deal. But then this is my first book, I have no clue what I am doing or even if this book makes sense. I have not made a table of contents yet, nor have a solid introduction or forward or something like that. I was hoping to get this published the end of November but it will take me some time to get the money for the editor and the editor can’t take me right away anyway. She has told me that she can’t get to my work until a “few months”. She posts on FB every day that she is working on her projects with other authors and I guess her business is booming from the sound of things. And she did cut me a deal as her normal charge was $350 (USD) for less than 100K words. I just hope I get my money’s worth. This is my baby and I will be trusting it to a complete stranger.

So today I spent a good few hours surrounded by my manuscript pages trying to put it back together. I was frazzled, which did me no good with the psychosis already looming in the back of my head. But I didn’t need a PRN (take as needed) medication. I handled the situation ok. I think what might have helped is taking a Benadryl earlier in the day for my stinking allergies. They are so bad that right now my left eye is swollen. I have been using eye drops and Benadryl and that seems to be helping. It has not been as sore as it was last night. It really freaked me out as I normally don’t get allergies that bad. And of course, my eye doctor is in Brazil and I can’t seem him for another week or so.

The only scary thing when I take the Benadryl is I am afraid of overdosing on it. I bought like a huge bottle to do the deed a few years ago and these capsule are small enough to take a large dose. Course now they are expired times four years ago but I still hold on to it because I don’t really believe that medication expires. I believe they might lose their effectiveness over time but they don’t stop working completely. I know I should just toss them out to the medication dump or something. I am no longer suicidal, or going with that method anymore. But I just can’t seem to get rid of them. And I need to have a couple of Benadryl around me anyways because of these stupid allergies. My regular Allegra doesn’t seem to work since it became over the counter. It says that it is the same stuff but I don’t believe it really is. Otherwise, it should have worked as I have been taking it while I was in the hospital and out of the hospital. I take it every night. But the Benadryl seems to be working more than the Allegra. I guess always trust the older medication than the newer.

I have been up since very early this morning. I had another weird dream where I was at my old job and I had to return library books. But when I got there to pick up the books they also handed me a ton of paperwork that I had accumulated since my absence from work. Very weird dreams I have been having.

I didn’t go out for coffee today. I had coffee at the restaurant when I had breakfast. I thought of going to Starbucks when I got home but I didn’t feel like it. I was already dressed and stuff but I just didn’t feel like taking a bus to the square. My niece is funny as she came in yesterday and said it was her Starbucks! She felt like I had invaded her private space or something…too funny.