Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Sunday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 22

I had a somewhat relaxing Sunday. My sister took my niece out and I just vegged while she was away. I then ordered Chinese food for us. It was a good dinner.

I was talking with my friend before dinner. I told her I accidentally skipped my medication all week and I was feeling on the brink of being psychotic/delusional again. I haven’t been on Twitter that much today. I didn’t feel like causing my thinking to become overwhelmed with its content. I had emailed my psychiatrist about it but have not received a response. I might page her tomorrow if I am not feeling a little better.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day. I should have brought down my Kindle so I could read something but I forgot and I don’t feel like climbing up to my room to get it. Writing has been helpful for me to get what I needed on paper.

The house has been cold for most of the day, with the heat turning on intermittingly. I don’t want to turn it up because then it will be too hot. I just been wearing long sleeves and thermal socks. My feet have been cold on and off. I hate when they are cold because when they warm up they hurt more than when they are cold. Then nerve pain creeps into my damaged foot and it’s on fire. Fucking sucks.

While my niece was gone, I was in my room to fill my pill box for the week. I made sure I put in my trilafon. Afterwards, I sat there playing with my phone and thinking about changing my sheets as my laptop was downstairs and that just left the lower corner of my bed to clear off plus the rest of my “office”. I am going to try tomorrow because I couldn’t muster up the motivation to do it today. I just kept looking at the “mess” and wondered where I was going to put the things on my bed so I could change the sheets. I quickly became overwhelmed with it and there went my motivation.

My pain has been minimal today and I am not sure why, though I am not complaining about it. I haven’t been up and down stairs too much today. The nice thing about my sister’s apartment is that the bathroom is on the same floor, unlike my place. I’ve only had to basically go up one flight of stairs today because I haven’t gone up to my room, which is two flights. I only did that to do my pills and that was it. I kind of like being on the first floor. But it’s only for the next two days and then I go back to my room. My sister will be home Tuesday night. I will put my niece to bed and then go up to my room.

The Pats won their game last night. I watched most of it from the comfort of my sister’s bed. It was wonderful. I missed the third quarter because I always under/over estimate how long half time is. I might watch the Steelers/KC game tonight as the winner of that game will be the opponent we have to face next week. The Steelers have been a red hot team this year. It most likely will be them we will face.

I had a cup of coffee a couple of hours ago. It was much stronger than this morning’s cup. I couldn’t drink it all because if I did, I knew I would be up all night. Now I am getting sleepy again. I took my meds so that maybe why. I hope I don’t wake up before 6 tomorrow. I really don’t want another early morning of pain. But if my ankle/foot is just going to hurt me then and not the rest of the day, then fine, let it be that way.

Fun but painful Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fun but painful Saturday

I didn’t have a good sleep, even though I slept late. My lower back was aching, even though I was sleeping on my side. I figure it had to be because of my sister’s bed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything because I was in pain but once I started moving around, the pain eased up. I checked the bus schedule and the next bus was in like five minutes. No chance of me catching that bus. The next one was in an hour. I asked my niece if she wanted to go to the Square with me and she did.

We went to the Square and I had my coffee grounded. I also got a cup of coffee. I wasn’t happy that the bitch filled my cup not even half way for a tall in a bigger sized cup. I also bought some K-cups for tomorrow’s coffee. The place my niece wanted to go to had closed down so we went to Chipotle’s. We had burritos and it was yummy. Both of our burritos fell apart so we had to eat it with a fork. We had fun. Then we had to wait an hour for the next bus home. She played on her phone and I wished I brought my headphones with me.

We came home and I went to my room to change. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food but she said she was making cutlets. So I will just order tomorrow night. We had dinner and she made some concoction of vegetables that neither my niece nor I were crazy about. After dinner, I told my niece she could do downstairs while I showered. I needed a shower desperately as I had leaked on the way home and wanted a change of boxers.

I had started a blog about therapy but I lost my train of thought a few times so will go back to it at a later time. It’s still hurting talking about therapy when my therapist and I are having difficulties. I left her a voicemail message asking her to call or text me with a time to meet. I feel we need to talk about this arrangement she has put me in. My psychiatrist has even said that meeting once a month is not really therapy. I am just frustrated that this is happening because of the blogs I wrote. I won’t be sharing my blogs with her anymore, no matter how much they affect our relationship or if I wish to convey something to her. That is, if we can have therapy again on a weekly basis at least.

I just checked my pill box because things haven’t felt right the last few days. Turns out I forgot to put the trilafon in my box for the week. And the bottle is up in my room so I won’t be able to take it tonight either. I just been taking 4 mg a day. No wonder I have been so easily agitated. I had been doing really good at taking it twice a day and now this. WTF. I am such an idiot. Now I know a hospitalization is in my future. I am going to become delusional and psychotic. And when I do, I don’t think the trilafon is going to be effective. Just what I fucking need. UGH.

Random 134

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my therapist and how I should proceed. I really didn’t want to proceed as I had an end date but feared I would be hospitalized if I said that. So I am going to try and talk to my therapist Tuesday. I really don’t like this monthly bullshit and neither does my psych. I would try and talk with her Monday but I am not sure she is in the office or not as it’s a school holiday. I plan on leaving her a voicemail message rather than a text so she can call me and I know she will get the message. If I sent her a text, she might not read it and I will be sitting there wondering when she will respond.

She was worried about me when she read my letter and she is holding me to the trust we have regarding calling her when I need to rather than acting on my impulses. I wish she didn’t say that because I will feel guilty going through with my plan. I think she is going to see me every week until March or until she feels my ideation has settled back to the underground.

Towards the end of our appointment, I asked her if she read my book and she said yes. She said my writing has improved and it’s sophisticated. I think that is the best compliment I ever got. She said she forgot to bring it and I said I will be in next week if you want me to sign it. She laughed.

I felt good about the feedback on my book. I ran an errand after I went to the Square. I had to buy some bread as I was out. I misjudged the bus schedule and had to wait 45 minutes for the next one. I am glad it wasn’t freezing cold out but it was cold enough after 45 minutes! I was starving by the time I was near home. I had to drop off my script to Walgreens so I bought some things and went home. I bought a protein bar and that didn’t help my hunger. I made a black bean burger as it was going to be at least 2 hours before my niece would come home and I could order pizza. While I was eating the burger, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it didn’t like it at all. I was in intense pain. Guess I wasn’t going back to the pharmacy to pick up my script. I had already taken my pain meds so I was fucking screwed. There was nothing I could take. Eventually it settled itself down. I’m still in pain but it’s not as severe.

I was getting drowsy so I had another cup of coffee. I thought the cup I had this morning at my sister’s was caffeinated but it was decaf. I never knew the difference, but then I never had that brand of coffee before. I am glad I had a second cup of coffee at Starbucks. I had Casi Cielo. It was awesome. I got my bag of coffee today so tomorrow I will head to the Square to have it grounded. I also plan on getting some k cups so I can use it on my sister’s Keurig. I had the coffee about an hour ago and already it’s wearing off. I am just so tired. I will be taking my meds soon and my strong pain pill so I should be able to sleep. I’ll let me niece do her own thing tonight. She doesn’t have to get up early tomorrow and neither do I.

Don’t Think That Way

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

“Don’t think that way”

I was reading a friend’s blog. She has dissociative identity disorder and one of her alters was feeling suicidal. That alter wrote a blog about it. Then an idiot commenter wrote “don’t think that way”. It really set me off. I wanted to say something but I didn’t. So I am saying here in my blog. Things like that don’t help at all. If anything it makes the person feel worse than what they already do and it doesn’t validate their feelings at all. It also makes it less likely to reach out the next time that person feels that way. It drives me up a wall when people say things like that.

I am not having a good day. I am in pain and I am still hurting from the fall out of my therapist. I googled all of the names. All but one don’t seem to work for me. Once I am feeling better, I might give her a call. I spoke to my psychiatrist today. She wanted to know how I was doing and I told her I was upset but what else is new. I see her tomorrow so we’ll talk more about it. She said she bought my book and she just received it. She is going to read it. I guess tomorrow I will be signing it.

I was going to do an errand today as the weather was nice. But then my ankle started bothering me and I didn’t feel like going out. It really put me in a shitty mood. I had some Oreos to destress. It didn’t work the way I was hoping but at least my sweet tooth got satisfied. I have been going up and down the stairs most of the day. Probably why my ankle is pissed off. I took some pain meds so I hope to take a nap soon before my niece gets home. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep because I am so agitated. Also, my ankle is starting to have that pain that only responds to the strong pain pill. If I take that, I will be toast the rest of the day.

I was supposed to get new coffee today but it won’t be delivered until tomorrow. Kind of stinks because that means I will have to go to the Square on Saturday to get the beans grounded. I want to try the coffee dammit! I love this coffee because it’s citrusy and has dark cocoa notes. I hate going to Starbucks on Saturday because the buses run every hour.

OMG, I let my niece in the house and when I came back up to my room, the intensity of my ankle pain skyrocketed. I am hurting so bad I could cry. And today is just the first day I am watching my niece. WTF I knew I was going to be in pain today because of my night out last night. But come on! I shouldn’t really be in this much fucking pain. I don’t have control over it and that is what bothers me. Any activity level that I do costs me, even if I don’t leave the house and just go up and down the stairs. This fucking sucks. I took a 3rd pain pill. Sometimes that will be enough to get my pain under control. Otherwise, I am going to have to go back downstairs to my sister’s apartment, take my strong pain pill, and crash there. I really don’t want to do that.