Tag: schizoaffective disorder

bewitching hour has hit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bewitching hour has hit

It’s now 0200. I can usually fall asleep within the next half hour or I will be up all night. It’s an either or battle that I face. As I am not really tired, I say that I am going to be up most of the night. I just took some Neurontin as my foot is starting to burn. I was having a conversation with a Canadian friend of mine about this drug. She take 1800 mg/day and still has nerve pain in her foot. That is an adequate dose. I take any where between 600-1200 mg or more a night. I find that taking the dose all at once is helpful for me and keeps the nerve pain away for at least 24-48 hours. Of course, if I am in a bad pain flare, that can be less coverage and I will need to take it on a regular basis for a while.

The drag races have started in my area. I don’t know why cars must have their tires screech in the midnight hours. It’s so stupid. I just hope no accidents occur or people get hurt. If I knew exactly where they were racing, I would report them. I don’t know what the police would do because by the time they would show up, the cars could be gone. So annoying.

I had fun watching my niece tonight. We didn’t watch a movie like she said we were going to. She just played on her tablet and I napped. I was in a pizza coma so slept for about an hour. Probably why I am still up. I played on my phone or on my laptop. There was some funny shit going on about Pence and his experience at the theater for the musical “Hamilton”. People are so creative in creating memes and stuff that I am just in awe. There was also some stuff going on about the president-elect and his business that is still going on. I am really afraid for this country and what is going to happen in the next four years. No wonder I am so suicidal. I honestly don’t want to be around should this country go down the toilet after all the stuff Obama did to get us back on track.

My psychiatrist didn’t ask me what my plans were for ending my life and I didn’t tell her. I just told her flatly that I was suicidal. She made me tell her that I would page her should that change to acting on my feelings. I told her that only time it really becomes a problem is when my pain levels are through the roof and I can see no way out of it in sight. Sure I have a date set and will have the pills I plan on using but I have a feeling my dorky therapist is going to be watching me like a hawk. There is no longer going to be any wiggle room about this is in therapy. It just depresses me because it just makes me feel defeated. And I don’t want to let my psychiatrist down by attempting. She is trusting me a heck of a lot. I have never lied to her. That is why our relationship has always been a good match. I have always been straight with her and she knows this. I am wicked torn. Part of me just wants to say fuck you and end it and then part of me doesn’t because I know I will lose the trust of my two professionals that care an awful lot about me. That trust is what is keeping me from being inpatient right now.

My psychiatrist and I did go over going in the hospital but I told her there was no “treatment” there anymore. I would just be babysat and that is not what I need. Besides, with the holiday coming up, I really don’t want to be in the hospital. Maybe afterwards. I don’t know if it would help. The biggest thing is the admitting doc always asks “what set you off” and honestly, I don’t know. Why am I choosing now to be inpatient rather than last week? I don’t know. I hate being inpatient only because I hate being on their schedule for meds and stuff. I rather be on my schedule but that isn’t how it works.

My pillow is calling me. I hope I am able to sleep through the night without waking up in pain. It’s late enough so I hope to be awake enough by the time the football game starts. But who knows, I might be sleeping all day because I have been up half the night.

Saturday Blog 70

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 70

I got up and did some shopping for a cake that I want to make for Thanksgiving. I wanted to get some salsa and chips but they didn’t have the kind of salsa I wanted so I didn’t get anything but the ingredients for the cake. I will probably make the cake Tuesday and I think my mother will be baking Wednesday.

I came home with the task of still needing to make a path to clear to get my AC out of the window. I thought I could take it out myself but the window wouldn’t budge. I’ll have to leave it to my brother in law now. He is going to take it out tomorrow.

I was able to get a soy latte after I did the grocery shopping. That gave me energy but no motivation to do anything. Both my college football teams won when I came home. It was nerve racking watching the OSU game. Last year they played the same team and won with a hail Mary field goal attempt. It was the first game OSU lost and I was disappointed.

I’m watching my niece today. We are having pizza and then watching a movie. I told my sister that I work for pizza. No pizza, no services. She laughed. It should be a good night. I love hanging with my niece. She is 11 and is the youngest. I like to spend as much time with her as possible until she becomes a teen and then I won’t see her.

Pain levels are manageable for right now. I was just going to wear sneakers to go to the store but decided it would be better to wear the brace. If I wore my sneakers, I would have to bring my cane and that sucks when you are shopping.

I found out bad news when I came home from shopping and checked Facebook. Two of my friends lost their furry companions today. I feel so sad for them. One was an older dog who I think just died of old age. The other died of bone cancer. He was diagnosed a couple months ago and was only given a short time to live. I feel bad about this because my friend has an autistic son and they bonded pretty well. When their other dog died, the son really didn’t know what was going on. They have since gotten another puppy that is really cute. I hope he fills the void a little bit for them.

Yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, I asked her for a refill for Zoloft. I saw her send it to Walgreens but the stupid computer system decided to send it to two pharmacies. I now have one at Walgreens, which I picked up today, and then one at CVS, which will be sent to me after the 8th of Dec. Stupid system. I’d rather have a good supply of meds now because in January, I am going to have to start paying for my meds again until June.

Pain and dealing with a moron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain and dealing with a moron

My ankle decided to act up around 2330 because I wanted to lie down and god forbid, sleep. I called UNCLE but it still said fuck you. I just took another dose of pain meds so I am hoping to say fuck you back. I am not surprised I am in pain after the day that I had. I would be surprised if I wasn’t in pain. I am listening to music so that is helping the anxiety that accompanies my pain.

I posted a post in my CES group about wanting advice about what to do with having urinary problems due to possible medication and pain. I got this moron that thought that my pain medication and something else was the reason of my urinary problems. He also was confused about urodynamic testing and when I pointed this out to him, he said that you just pee out of your ass. I had enough of his antics and put a stop to the conversation, because the next step was to kick him out of the group. I can’t deal with people that don’t know basic anatomy.

Meds are making me very drowsy but the fucking pain is keeping me from slumber. Didn’t help matters that because of my nerve injury, I didn’t know that I was scratching myself in my anal area to the point of bleeding. I immediately cut my nails down because that is the last thing I need. I can’t believe how stupid I was doing something like this. Now I am in pain in that area and because of the inflamed nerves, I don’t know how long that is going to last. I really hope I don’t have a bowel movement because the last thing I need is an infection there.

In other pain news, my right Achilles is flared up. Every time I walk it hurts. I really need to do those exercises I got from the internet to help ease the pain. Some ice would probably help too but I am too tired to get the ice pack. I will ice it tomorrow. It’s probably hurting because of all I did today too. I just can’t fucking win with my damn ankles.

For some reason, I am getting hungry. I really don’t want to trek downstairs again. I ordered some cheese and crackers on my next online grocery order. I will have them up in my room so the mice can’t get at them but I can. Would love to get some cheese whiz and crackers but I don’t have the space for all that stuff. My night stand is already crammed with junk. I really need to go through it and clear it off. But I’m afraid that once I start moving stuff, I will cause a domino effect and things will fall where I don’t want them to.

I want to share this picture that someone posted on Facebook about Chronic pain. I love it. If you suffer from chronic ailments, I am sure you will find it true as well.

fb_img_1479365794493.jpg

Run around day for nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Run around day for nothing

I thought I had an appointment at 0900 this morning. I set my alarm at good time to get dressed and brush my teeth. I unfortunately, didn’t get up right away and when I checked my watch, I was late. I left the house hurriedly to catch the bus or I would have been screwed. I had to get coffee or I was going to be a bitch. I was fifteen late only for the secretary to tell me my appointment was canceled and rescheduled! I was so damn pissed. The appointment was reschedule on Halloween so I never got notified. Then I thought maybe an email was sent and I just never read it. My ankle was smarting so I decided to go home before my next appointment, which I thought was at 11 but it was at 1. I was all screwed up today.

I got home and took my meds. I checked for an email and there wasn’t. Now I was really mad. I woke up for nothing and rushed out of the house for nothing. I shouldn’t have come home though. I was getting lazy and comfy so I didn’t want to go out again, but I had to see my psychiatrist. So I brushed my teeth and then left to go to the bus stop. I left really early and so waited. There was a homeless guy at the stop and we made conversation. I felt really bad that I didn’t have any money on me to give him. I knew they were going to give him grief on the bus. I tried to use my pass twice for him but it wouldn’t work. He had to use whatever change he had. I felt really awful.

I got to my appointment okay. I was feeling really tired and hungry as I didn’t eat anything and all this running around was making me tired. I was glad my psychiatrist’s office is the building closest to the train station so I didn’t have to walk too much. I flatly told her I was suicidal. I didn’t say that I had plans but we came to an agreement. I told her that during my pain episodes I am likely to kill myself but am getting worried that not being able to walk might override my walk three feet to the bureau to get the meds I need to kill myself. She wants me to page her, at whatever hour, to talk about it. We briefly discussed the hospital but I told her I wanted my mother’s turkey and I didn’t want to be inpatient as that just sucks during the holidays. I also told her I would go in but they mess up my meds so much that I would be at the med counter forever taking pills. Plus, the way my pain meds are written, I wouldn’t be taking them the way I take them at home. I would be screwed and that might send me over the edge when I got out.

She reiterated that she wants me to page her when I feel suicidal or just need to talk about things. She wants me to be in contact with her more frequently and wants to know how my Thanksgiving went. I told her I would send her a blog. I apologized for not sending her blogs because they have been shitty lately and I know they would worry her.

Despite drinking a lot of caffeine today, I feel really tired. I had four shots of espresso this morning and another two this afternoon when I had my lunch. You would think that would keep me up and not feel drowsy. Yeah, right. I guess I needed the caffeine to help offset all the running around I did today. I just hope it doesn’t back fire on me and then I am up most of the night due to restlessness. Being in pain is going to be a given because my ankle is already sore. There were no seats on the train ride home so I had to stand a few stops before one became available. Then the next stop, a large woman sat next to me, invading my personal space. I was not happy. The worse part was that she was on her damn phone so I couldn’t move. I hate people like that. I know I am not a thin person but at least have respect for the person sitting next to you.

I told my psych about how my therapist’s anxiety is interfering with our sessions. I just feel like all she does is talk and I listen, not speaking what I want to say, which leaves me feeling frustrated and useless. I didn’t tell her that my therapist forced a session on me yesterday. That might not have gone too well. My therapist is nuts though. Sadly, she admits it freely so there is no hope.