Tag: schizoaffective disorder

frustrating doc appt and cookies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Frustrating doc appt and cookies

I had my quarterly appointment with my PCP this morning. It didn’t go well as the jerk didn’t listen to me or pain concerns. He was reluctant to give me a month’s supply of my strong pain meds and things I have “hyperalgesia”, which means the pain meds are increasing my pain. I don’t think that is happening because pain it brought on when I stand or move my damn ankle. He gave me a referral to the CRPS specialist and wants to hear what she says before making any treatment changes. I see him again in four fucking months.

I am so frustrated. Idiot won’t give me a month supply, fine, I’ll just request a refill every fucking two weeks until he changes the damn count of the meds. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. He didn’t want to listen to how bad the pain was, especially when I told him it was bringing on suicidal episodes for me. He just asked if I was in contact with my psych and that seemed to make everything okay. WTF. I don’t see her for pain control. I see HIM! If my damn pain levels weren’t so damn high, my suicidal episodes would be less. Sure I would still be suicidal but it wouldn’t be every time my pain is a 15, especially when my flares are becoming more frequent, with no rhyme or reason.

I was hurting and tired when I came home but decided to make cookies anyway. It was a recipe I haven’t tried before so I didn’t know what to expect. The recipe said it would take 15 minutes to cook. It turned out to be close to a half hour or so and my mother increased the temp of the oven 25 degrees above what they said. Then they cooked. I made them a little bit too big and thick. The smaller ones were cooked more than the bigger ones. I am disappointed because they didn’t come out right. I might trash them. I was going to give them to my psych but I’m not now because they just didn’t cook right. I am frustrated because I aggravated my damn Achilles while making them. My back is also hurting, but it was hurting since this morning. I somehow aggravated my sciatica and it didn’t help that the doc was poking me in the back to see where I hurt.

I am really tired. There wasn’t much of a mess and I tried to clean up the best I could. My mother is making dinner and I am not hungry because I had two cookies plus the dough so I am full. I loved the dough more than the cookies. I might have some of the teriyaki chicken breast that I bought the other day if I get hungry later.

I think my mother’s taste buds are going because she couldn’t taste the butterscotch in the cookies. I put 2 packages of butterscotch pudding mix in the batter. I could taste it. She said all she tasted was dough. I don’t know. Just pissed me off more than I was already.

I sent another email to my psych and now I am crying out of the frustration of being in pain and not having a caring doc. He isn’t a jerk or anything, just inexperienced I think to deal with the complexity of my situation. I miss my former PCP so bad. I rather be nervous about my weight with him than deal with this incompetent young doc who I don’t think trusts me enough to judge my pain and how I manage it. I really think if he saw me more it would increase his awareness of just how bad my pain is and how to deal with it. The meds work and I don’t think I am getting hyperalgesia from them. I also said so in my email to my psych. She should know what this young doc is saying. I get his hesitancy to treat me but is it worth him signing my death certificate because he is under treating me? I was very up front with my former PCP about this and he understood that even though I was under the care of my psychiatrist and therapist I still had low suicidal moods that centered around my pain and suffering. He really wanted to help me and make me “better”, though there was nothing more that could be done. I have tried PT and injections. They just made my pain worse. I have seen countless docs. I hope the specialist can offer me something worthwhile but I am not holding my breath. The worst thing she can say is that I don’t have CRPS but just a pain syndrome. I think that will devastate me and might put me over the edge. I have been fighting this pain for so long now that I am just so sick of it. It makes me tired and cranky and suicidal at times. I can’t just stay at home all the time and stare at my four walls or write endless blogs. I need to go out some time and have a routine of some sort.

Tomorrow I don’t have nothing on my agenda and I am just going to rest. I see my psych on Friday so I want my Achilles pain to calm down some. I really don’t have a treatment for that other than taking ibuprofen and resting it. When it’s really bad, I have to take a couple of strong pain pills to quiet it down. Baking didn’t help it any but it’s not as painful as it was yesterday.

sucky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sucky mood

I slept through the night, finally but I woke up around 6 because my bladder needed to be relieved. I also took some pain meds as I was hurting. Doesn’t seem like this flare up is going to settle down anytime soon. I got up too late to take my blood pressure pills. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I still don’t. I am feeling very depressed.

The CRPS office called me back today. They said they need a clinical referral before they could set up an appointment. I emailed my psychiatrist and she was willing to send it but I think it’s too complicated for her. She kept on asking specific questions and I answered them but then didn’t get a response. I had emailed my PCP and the secretary emailed me back saying that the information was in my record. The doc just had to access it. I was like duh but they need a referral or they won’t see me. She is going to bring it up with my PCP and go from there. I am aggravated. No where on the CRPS specialist’s site does it list a clinical referral to see her. Just another obstacle. I don’t have the patience to deal with it.

I made a grilled cheese for lunch. Surprisingly, I didn’t burn it. It came out perfect. I filled my water bottle with iced tea. I am going to try and drink more today as I didn’t really do so yesterday. I am feeling really tired so I am going to nap after I write this. My mother is making chicken cutlets for supper, least I hope she is. Sometimes she changes her mind and makes a stir fry.

I reserved the car for tomorrow to go to my ex-therapist’s office to collect my things. I will have the car for a few hours just so I can ride around some. I want to go to Walmart and buy some pajama shorts and regular shorts so I don’t always wear jeans.

My ankle is just throbbing right now. I can’t stand it. I am going to stop here so I can rest. Talk to you guys later.

random 410

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 410

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0200 having side effects from my trilafon. My arms felt like they were spaghetti and they were flailing. I was annoying that it woke me from a sound sleep. I stayed up half the night as I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I would have blogged but my arms didn’t feel right.

I was hoping to sleep till at least 1100 but woke up at 0800. I was able to get back to sleep for a few hours and then I made breakfast. I didn’t feel like showering. After breakfast, it was time to catch the bus so I could have much needed espresso. I grabbed my bag and looked for my keys yet again. I still haven’t found them anywhere. My house ate them and until it pukes it up, I am without keys. I am glad I have a spare.

It was raining and cool as I waited at the bus stop. I didn’t dress warmly and froze while I was at Starbucks. I read a chapter of the CBT book but didn’t feel like summarizing it. I wrote in my journal until it was time for me to catch the train for therapy. While I was writing, my foot acted up and I was shitting bricks. I took my pain meds and hoped it would be enough to calm it down so I could walk to therapy. It was too late to cancel and too late to go home for strong meds.

I went to therapy and told my therapist that I was suicidal. I was hopeless and he wanted me to scream at someone. I thought that was queer. I wasn’t angry at anyone. We talked about different things and he has it in his head that I need people in my life. I don’t want people in my life. I have enough of them online that I manage. I don’t want every day conversations with people that I don’t know. He is starting to get on my nerves about this as it’s the third session he has mentioned this. Next week he is out of office because of the holiday. He is going to let me know if a spot opens up on his schedule if I want to see him. I rather not see him.

I walked to the train station and I was hurting. Both ankles were giving me grief. I decided to go to Chipotle for supper. I had a burrito bowl and I asked for extra rice. It was good and I got a little happy having my guacamole. The train was crowded so I didn’t have seat. I just made the bus home and it was crowded so I didn’t have a seat. My feet and ankles were wanting a divorce. I crawled home. I took some strong pain meds and regular meds when I got to my room. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be in pain all night like I have been the last few nights.

A friend called me while I was home. We set up a dinner date at our favorite Thai place. It will be good to see him if I don’t end up going through with my plans. I am still feeling suicidal after I left therapy, mostly because I was in fricken pain and that just put me in a bad mood. I’m going to talk to my psych tomorrow and tell her my plans. This therapist sucks for suicide prevention so I am not sure I can depend on him in a crisis or when I am having a hard time. He still expects me to see him in two weeks when I am not sure I am going to be around. FUCK. I am just so tired of having to do things myself in therapy. I am not sure it is worth it anymore. Not sure my life is worth anything anymore. I just feel so hopeless today and not sleeping and being in pain has not helped me one bit. Just don’t want to exist anymore, I really don’t!

intense pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Intense pain

I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.

I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.

I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.

I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.

I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.