Tag: schizoaffective disorder

therapy and not sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. She again brought up negative symptoms. She is afraid of her losing me, whatever that means. I told her I just feel nothing, like everything is blunt. I also feel flat. Her fear is that the longer this goes on, the more I am going to feel this way. I don’t get why this is of concern. Maybe I am missing something that she just isn’t explaining well enough.

We also talked about the possibility of seeing someone while she is away for a couple of weeks in August. She brought up the question of whether I would see someone DBT like as an adjunct therapist. I have no intention of seeing someone other than my therapist and my psychiatrist. I don’t think I will see someone while she is away. I probably will just write letters like I usually do when she is gone. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I need to find out if my psychiatrist will be away the same time. That will suck but it is a possibility. I will find out Monday when I see my psych.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up like every couple of hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything. I just slept for two hours here, three there and then woke up thinking it was time to wake up, but it wasn’t. I did finally get to sleep after the fourth time I was up. I slept for about five hours before my phone went off. Someone was calling me but I think it was the wrong number because they didn’t leave a message. And my mother called at her normal time to see if I was going out today. I don’t plan on it. I am just too tired. I am having coffee to try and wake up but it’s not doing much for me.

I might go to the grocery store to get some cream. I am almost out. I just don’t know if I am have the energy to do it. It’s much cooler today than it has been. I finally have the AC off as it’s really cold in my room. I like the cold but not freezing cold.

I need to call the PT place to set up an appointment. I do but don’t want to go to therapy. It’s down the street from me so it’s not like I will be going far. It’s just my fear that it’s going to cause more pain than what I am already in. And there is no guarantee that it’s really going to help me. I think docs like to send you when they don’t know what else to do for you.

Looks like today I am just going to sleep. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don’t have anything that I really need to do today. I might get a Zipcar next week and see my therapist. All depends on if I get my funds.

Post 1854

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got practically no sleep last night. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0400. I was up most of the damn night because songs were singing in my head and the voices were out of control, despite taking the trilafon. I had taken 4 mg when I came home last night and then another one around 0300 when the songs were getting worse not better. I just could not settle down. I must have read like six chapters in the new book that I am reading because I thought that would settle me down but it didn’t. It was just a really tough night.

I didn’t do much today because I was so sleepy. My mother made some asparagus and eggs for dinner and that is all that I have eaten today. I just am not that hungry. It has been cooler today than it has been all week. I still have the AC on. I might turn it off after the sun goes down.

I had therapy today. It went okay though my therapist still wants me to let my psychiatrist know that I am not feeling myself. She wants me to tell her that I am feeling disconnected from things and feeling flat. I see her next week so I will tell her then. I don’t want to page her just to tell her this. I don’t think it’s all that important. If she brings it up tomorrow, I am just going to tell her to call my psychiatrist and tell her because I have no idea what she is getting at.

For some reason, my left leg is out of sorts today. I woke up sleeping on my left side and my leg just hurt really bad. I thought it was hurting because of the position I was in so I rolled over to my other side but it did no good. I have been taking pain meds most of the day to deal with the pain. Doesn’t help that my ankle is also acting up. I am glad today was a low key day because I would hate to go out in this kind of pain.

Because I slept through most of the day, I didn’t call the PT place to set up an appointment. I will try again tomorrow. I don’t know what kind of exercises they are going to have me do. I just hope it doesn’t aggravate my left ankle because that one really is a pain in the neck. I have tried PT with that ankle and it was a disaster. I am hoping that things will be better with my right as it’s more a central thing and less involvement. But we’ll see.

My night out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My night out

I went out with friends tonight for dinner. We had a good time though the train coming home was late and we were afraid we missed it. It was so filling. I ate way too much, even though I probably shouldn’t have had dessert. That just about killed me. And my friend who doesn’t like to waste food, finished off the desserts for us. It was too funny.

On the train ride home, a drunk got on two stops before I had to get off. He feel asleep soon as the train was moving. I was afraid he was going to topple over on me so I got up to move. He smelled so bad of liquor. I think he got off at my stop but I have no idea where he went. Thankfully he didn’t get on the bus that I went on to go home.

My mother is okay. I was worried something might happen while I was away but it didn’t. It’s the first time leaving her alone at night since her hypoglycemic episode the beginning of the month. It was good to get out with friends but I also was worried about my mother. I thought about calling her but I didn’t want to bother her. I figure my sister would give her the run down anyways.

It was so hot in the house when I came home. I didn’t leave the AC running because I wasn’t home and my mother would flip but I left the fan running to keep my room as cool as possible. It didn’t work out that way. I had turned off the AC during the night because I had a wicked bad sneeze attack before bed last night. The room was hot so I turned the AC on for a few hours before I had to shut it off again before leaving. The room was cool but not cold like it was when I left it. It was stuffy when I came home. Yuck. Now it’s nice and cool but it’s taken almost an hour to cool it off. I will be keeping the AC running all night, like I usually do in the hot weather. I can’t stand the heat. It just makes me crazy.

I have therapy tomorrow and Wednesday. I am not planning on going out the rest of the week. Only thing I will go out for is cream, which I am running low on. I don’t think it will make it till next week. I am also running low on coffee. I am so sad my Brazil coffee if coming to the end of the bag. They have a new kind of Brazil coffee at Starbucks that I have been meaning to try. I will next week when I can replenish funds. If I don’t like it, I will just get Pike’s coffee and Breakfast Blend. Both are mild coffees but different tastes, though Pike can be a little strong. I haven’t quite figured out how to scoop it so it’s perfect. One of these days.

another hot and humid day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another hot and humid day

The humidity is worst today than it was yesterday. I pretty much stayed in my room, only venturing out in the oven that is called my house for eating and bathroom breaks. I did manage to take a shower. I was happy about that. Now I don’t feel as awful. My mood is kind of bleak because after dinner, my ankle flared up. I had been sleeping most of the day and the only activity I did (other than making breakfast and showering) caused me pain. I helped my mother with kitchen clean up and my ankle didn’t like it.

Today is National Ice Cream day so I plan on having some soon as the pain meds kick in. I have some Breyer’s Oreo ice cream that I really like. I haven’t done anything at all today except try and sleep. It’s nice and cold in my room. I don’t have any plans for the day or this evening other than potentially watching the Red Sox game. I don’t know if I am going to watch it because my least favorite pitcher is pitching today. There was a statistic that I read today about how the Skankees have not scored in the first inning in something like 21 games. Price will allow it. He always does and then he will pitch “perfect” the rest of the game. Pisses me off because he is banking on run support. Sometimes he gets it but sometimes he doesn’t.

I made sure I took my afternoon dose of trilafon. I was going to make coffee but really didn’t feel like it. I was so full with the pancakes I made that I just couldn’t fathom drinking coffee. I had two cups yesterday, which is rare for me. I usually just make one cup and that is all for the day.

I haven’t bothered to read anything because I spent most of the day with my head on my pillow. I just really couldn’t get going like I did yesterday. I missed my BPD chat because I had dinner at that hour. I haven’t been on the computer that much today. It’s just been a low key day. I don’t have the energy to do anything.