Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Saturday Blog 54

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My groceries came a little after the Wales/Northern Ireland game started. I normally don’t watch football as the Europeans call it, but no other sport was on worth watching. I put the ribs on to cook while I put the groceries away. My back almost went out a couple of times because I was standing and walking around the house, putting the various things away. My cheesecake and pumpkin pies came. After everything was away, I had a slice of pumpkin. I wanted to savor the cheesecake after I had the ribs and cole slaw. While watching the game, I saw the horrific goal made by Northern Ireland in their own post! I couldn’t believe it and of course they had to show it a million times at different angles. I feel so bad for NI because they probably would have won in OT or a shootout.

Now that I have had something to eat, I can rest. I don’t plan on going out because it’s hot out. Just cooking in the kitchen made me sweat. I can only wonder how much more I will if I start walking to the bus stop and head to the meat market to get the hamburgers. Looks like that won’t be until Monday. The grocery store substituted another brand of hamburger rolls, which works out good because the rolls are bigger. I got my avocados ready for that burger.

Tomorrow I am invited to my cousin’s for his son’s birthday. I am not going to go, even though they have a pool. It’s going to be really hot tomorrow and I can’t stand being in the sun, let alone being in a pool in the sun. I will stay in my AC’d room and eat the lovely food I bought.

I have been in a sad mood most of the day. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my father’s passing. I still haven’t cried for him. I do miss him. It is very weird not having him around. I don’t know if you get used to it. I do miss his sister, who we still have not seen because her illness has prevented us from seeing her. She gets confused very easily now these days and I am thinking the Parkinson’s is getting worse as time goes on. She will be 93 in November.

Last night, I decided to sign up for yet another email address. This one is on my contact page for those that want to contact me there. It’s Collerone at yahoo dot com. I miss having a yahoo account. I used to have one that I used regularly but it’s been compromised so many times that I had to deactivate it. Plus, I kept forgetting the password so good riddance. I thought of getting a gmail but I don’t really like it. I have to have one for my phone but that is all I use it for. Every so often I will check the mail and it’s mostly MLB stuff or LinkedIn, neither of which are important to me.

I really wasn’t expecting to get wiped out putting the groceries away. I could take a nap right now. I had really wanted to go out but now it doesn’t look to be the case. I still need to take a shower. My luck I will take one and then need another one because it’s so damn hot. Maybe I will take one before bedtime so it will relax me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I was fighting taking a nap around 1730/1800. Then around 1930, I got my second wind. I was up most of the night. I think I didn’t fall asleep till after or around midnight. I slept till 0930, which was good. I think having all those ribs made me sleepy. I ate like half a rack. They were so good! I now know to get baby back ribs rather than the St. Louis style. I like them better.

Last night I read some of Harry Potter and some of Dostoevsky. I would have read some of Common Struggle but I didn’t feel like it. I will read some of it today. I really need to get into a reading groove of some sort. Baseball isn’t on until around 2130, which is close to my projected bedtime. Sucks they are in Texas. They had a HUGE comeback win last night. I am so proud of them.

A Rough and Boring Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A rough and boring day

I had a rough night sleeping. Seems I can only sleep in three hour spurts. I was again rudely waken up by a family member while dreaming so that added to my exhaustion. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back. I also told her about the trilafon situation and how the voices have become kind of commanding. I was going to page her today but never got around to it because of my sleepiness. I had set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day as I bought a book yesterday and wanted to pick it up. It’s just being added to my “to read” pile I have going on in my room. There are 10 books right now in that pile, not including the books on my Kindle. I just finished one book so I am happy about that. Now if I can get through another book by the end of the month, I will be happy.

I got home and immediately felt paranoid for some reason. It was hard to shake but I think the feeling is gone now. I distracted myself with Twitter. One of my Twitter buddies was in the area where the local bookstore is and if his schedule permitted, we could have met up. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe another time. I seem to be getting books at least once a month from this bookstore so maybe next month we can meet up.

I went to the Square to have my coffee. I think the person making it used regular cream instead of sweet cream because it didn’t taste all that sweet. I drank it anyway. I wrote in my journal until half the coffee was gone and then took off for the local bookstore. I really didn’t do much else. It just feels like a boring day. Nothing interesting happened. I did have a new sandwich that I liked at the Au Bon Pain. It had avocados and their zesty Dijon mustard that I love. This one had turkey in it with some kind of cheese. It was really good. I might get it tomorrow if I go out. It depends on how my damn ankle/foot is. It started flaring up on the walk back to the station after leaving the bookstore. My right also acted up but the left was worse. I wish I brought my cane but I didn’t carry my regular bag with me today. I just brought a cloth bookbag because that is what I needed it for. My regular bag has my cane in it.

I was debating getting a haircut at a new barber shop in the Square but didn’t. I couldn’t decide how I wanted it cut. I really got used to the bald cut that I had a few weeks ago. Now that my hair has grown back, I look like a chia pet so I need it cut again. I think I will go tomorrow morning to the same barber’s shop I go to. My mother isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s my head not hers.

I will be placing my grocery order tomorrow. I can’t wait because I am out of Oreos and I have been craving them. They cost too much at Walgreens, but then, everything is a little overpriced at Walgreens. I think you are just paying for the convenience rather than the value.

I’m not doing anything tonight except possibly read one of my many books. I have three that I am actively reading. Harry Potter, Common Struggle, and Dostoevsky. The other books listed on my GoodReads section of my blog are books that I read when I have the mental energy to. They are quite dense. One of the books I have no idea where I placed it last. I think it is in a hamper that I have junk instead of clothes. The “junk” is more papers and books than actual junk. I have to go through it one day to sort it out. I just need to find the motivation to do it. Maybe I should set up a reward system or something. If I do it, I can get some stuff on Amazon. Amazon is becoming my new addiction for buying things I need but don’t absolutely need. I bought two more books. One of the books is by JK Rowling’s pen name, which I can’t think of at the moment. It’s a fiction/mystery book I think. I think they are turning it into a movie in the UK so I want to read it. There are three books in the series so if I like it, I will get the other two. I do like Rowling’s writing so I know those books will be a good reward to clean out that hamper.

Therapy, Chinese Food and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Therapy, Chinese Food, and other things

I had therapy today. I rented a zipcar and went out to see her. It was a good session. We talked more about the voices. I think she was trying to see if I was suicidal as the voices keep telling me to take more of my meds than I should. I don’t feel suicidal, unless it’s subconscious. I wore my necklace today to protect me from the alien parasites. Ever since I was triggered Friday, I wear it outside. My therapist wasn’t curious about it like my psychiatrist was. That was good because then I didn’t have to explain why I was wearing it.

While I was there, I read my discharge summary. It was very funny. On one page they listed my diagnosis correctly. On another page it listed Mood disorder NOS, psychosis NOS as my diagnosis. They weren’t sure if I had a psychotic disorder or an affective disorder. On the final page, the diagnosis changed again. I couldn’t believe it. Most consistently was the diagnosis of PTSD. The other diagnoses they aren’t sure about and this was just ONE hospitalization that lasted about six days. The funny part was that in one sentence they would call me “her” or “she” and the next line would be “he” or “him”. They were all confused. And this was a top notch hospital, too. I think my next hospitalization will be at the local hospital. It will suck big time but at least I will get a consistent diagnosis, hopefully. And despite me telling the top notch hospital that my therapist was a psychologist, all the paperwork given to her stated she was a licenses social worker. But at least they spelled her name right.

I told my therapist that I emailed my psychiatrist but I don’t want to do so all the time because I am afraid she might hospitalize me. I just been sending her updates when I feel up to it. We also discussed going back to the hospital but I know they will just dope me up. I don’t want that. I can do that on an outpatient basis. If my voices get too commandeering, I might have to go in, but only as a last resort. I do have a pesky voice that I really want silenced but it is resistant to meds as even when I was on the abilify, it was loud and obnoxious. It’s been a week since I have been off this med.

When I got home, I was hungry. I didn’t have lunch so I ordered Chinese food. I had to do it on the sly because my mother made supper. When it came, I brought it downstairs to my sister’s apartment. I didn’t have much because I had the pea soup my mother made. I was full off a couple of chicken fingers and scallion pie. I had ordered some rice but I didn’t feel like eating it. I will have it tomorrow, if there is any left over. I am watching my niece most of the day.

In my haste to get the zipcar as I woke up late, I forgot the piece of mail I was going to send out today after the appointment. I will have to mail it out tomorrow. I can take my niece for a walk, if she wants to. I plan on getting pizza for lunch. If she wants to, I will take her with me to Starbucks. I still have to read the psych book that I bought. I have so many books to read it’s not funny. I brought my Kindle out with me today but I didn’t use it. It just stayed in my bag. I really didn’t have time to read anyways. Driving always makes me tired, especially when it’s over a long distance. I just wanted to write and so I did that while having a latte.

My new pen arrived today and I love it. I think it might replace my current pen but the nice thing is that it’s refillable. I might get one for my therapist as I haven’t given her a gift in so long. I wish I could get it engraved for her but it’s not that kind of pen. And it’s not a 0.7 point like it was advertised. It’s a 1.0 like my other pens are. I can’t wait to write with it tonight.

Extra therapy Session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Extra therapy session

My therapist was able to fit me into her schedule tonight. I felt kind of racy as I was describing how the voices were controlling and demanding. I also described how last night things were terrible that I had to use the crisis text line. They were of some help. I think a trilafon would have been more useful but I didn’t want to take it. I don’t want to lose the trust of the voices. It would be really bad.

She said she got the discharge summary from the hospital. A month after my discharge. They only significant thing was that they couldn’t diagnose my condition, HA HA. Other than that, they just went with previous diagnosis. I was only there for a few days, not much time to diagnose me anyways. I just remember feeling really sad and disconnected. It was just a couple weeks after my father’s death. I have no idea what my doc had said that caused me to be in the hospital as I didn’t overtly say I was suicidal or anything that would jeopardize my safety. I wasn’t even sectioned even after the evaluation by the psych NP. I did go over, however briefly, my past history. And even when I was at the hospital, I was mainstreamed to the unit after a brief evaluation. So who knows what the right and left hands were doing.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will ask to see the discharge summary. It would be interesting to see what they wrote. I was kind of excited to talk with my therapist tonight. We spent most of the time talking about the voices. She is getting a little worried with them being controlling and demanding. But then I am used to it. It is all my normal. What isn’t my normal is for them to be mean and telling me stuff like killing myself or self-harm. They are getting louder and more insistent that I talk with them and making me do stuff. Like they want me to read on my kindle. Or write a blog. I don’t mind the reading but writing a blog takes some effort because they cloud my thinking. So I don’t like to do it. Plus, I don’t want more than 2-3 blogs a day. I think I will lose readership if I blog more than that.

I had a huge dinner and it’s making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I think it’s withdrawal from the abilify more than the rice and chicken stir fry I had. It will be almost a week that I stopped taking the poison. My sleep has been affected as well, which could be affecting my mood, making me racy and hyper. The joys of being bipolar.

Throughout all the psychosis, my pain levels have been minimal. I seem to only need two pills a day to control my pain. The voices want me to take more but I won’t. I just take what I need. I have told my therapist how they try to be tricky but I am wise to them. Last night, after I took my night meds, they wanted me to finish taking the rest of the week’s meds that I had doled out. I told them I couldn’t take a week’s worth of pills. They were being really stubborn. I hope they aren’t that way tonight. Otherwise, I will take some trilafon to calm their ass down. I know my limits.

I am listening to a song on repeat right now as I am writing this blog. It’s by Old Dominion and the song is called “snapback”. I have decided I am going to listen to it until I know it word for word. I should get there another ten times, or so.

Sox are playing the Sox (Chicago white sox). They are losing and it seems their pitcher is not allowing any hits. Fucker. I hate when we can’t get any hits. This was in the 5th inning so it might have changed by now.

I tried a fax app today to send my PT prescription to the place I wanted. I accidently sent it twice because I didn’t think it went through the first time. I haven’t received any phone calls so I hope it went through ok. If I don’t get a call tomorrow, I will make a copy of it and just send it in via mail. I am in no rush to start PT. I am kind of scared because I don’t want to be in more pain than I already am in. I also worry about bearing weight on my bad ankle while doing exercises on the “good” one. I just hope I get a therapist that is willing to work with me because otherwise, forget it. I will go somewhere else.