Tag: suicidality

Depressing Monday

I have been feeling pretty down all day. I woke up early, before 0630. I took some meds and then made breakfast. I went back to sleep because the meds made me sleepy. When I woke up a few hours later, I got some energy to go to Starbucks with the hope of working on the short story that I wrote a few weeks ago. No such luck. It was a story about how my therapist and pdoc are the roots of my tree. Now that my therapist and I are having problems and might separate, I no longer have an interest in writing about it. I have thought about writing about the difficulties of keeping the roots together and how they can irritate me, but like I said, I am finding it hard to concentrate on it. I just look at the blank page and nothing comes to mind. I think I need to print out the copy of the story so I can work on the beginning of it before I get to the difficulties part.

I sprayed my room with Renuzit before I left for Starbucks and I think I am allergic to the scent. I haven’t stopped sneezing since coming in my room. Oi. I have used the spray before so I don’t know why I am sneezing like a lunatic right now. It is cold so I don’t have the ceiling fan running. That’s probably why the scent is bothering me so much.

Last night, I was being triggered by my foot/ankle pain. I was having intrusive memories of my surgeries and being in the hospital recovering from them. It gave me such anxiety that I had to take two Ativan to calm down. Then Hyde and Jack (my mean alter) wanted me dead. I texted my therapist asking if there was an opening in her schedule to let me know. She texted me back saying she didn’t have an opening and I don’t think she will be calling to check in with me either. Hyde usually comes out when I am depressed and in pain. But Jack coming out is unusual. He is one that is attached to my therapist and my anger for her. I can’t explain it more than that. The anger piece goes deeper than my therapist. I don’t express my anger very well and I think Jack is the holder of it. He came out during a letter I wrote to my therapist earlier this year and it shocked me. I thought I only had Hyde to contend with. My pdoc wanted to call him Jekyll but I nor he liked it much. So we settled on Jack.

I usually don’t get triggered with PTSD when I am in pain, unless it is severe. I think I am more vulnerable this month because it is an anniversary month. And it was more than my foot/ankle that was hurting. My leg felt like it had a tourniquet on it and that is always a trigger for me. I tried distraction and ignoring the pain, but I was still very anxious and nervous. Then the memories started and I just wanted to die. Hyde and Jack came out and I knew I was in trouble. I really think I should be dead. I don’t want to work on anything in therapy, nor do I care if my therapist drops me at this point. I really don’t care about anything. I feel wicked empty, like I have no organs or anything inside of me. My reality testing proves this wrong when I breathe. It’s such an odd sensation. I haven’t felt empty in a very long time. I guess that is part of this depressive episode I am going through. I am also tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get. Lately I have been getting around 5 hours straight and then a few hours in the morning between 8 and 11. It’s rare for me to sleep later than 7. Even if I go to bed at 3 I am up around 0630.

Been listening to Luke Bryan all day. There is just something about his music that somewhat puts me in a better mood. Unfortunately, it’s not happening today. Nothing seems to break through this dark cloud that is following me. I wanted to get my AC out of the window tonight but I can’t even bring myself to text my brother in law to ask him. I just feel like I am asking too much or that I will be bothering him. I can’t stand this state that I am in. I know that he will take it out for me. I just have to move two things to give him access to the window but I can’t bring myself to get the energy to do so. The temp is going to drop tonight and it’s already cold in my room. I know it’s cold because in addition to my comforter on my bed, I have my fleece throw blanket on. And I am not hot. I am just so depressed, I can’t get motivated to do the things I need to do. I certainly can’t take the AC out by myself. I might drop it or it might fall out of the window. I am not good at that stuff plus I can’t lift anything heavy any way because of my back issues. It will get out this week. I just don’t know when.