Tag: suicidality

everything is a bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Should have stayed home

I should have stayed home today than embrace this hot weather just to get an iced coffee at Starbucks. I didn’t think it would be too bad out but I was wrong. Least it wasn’t humid out. I can take the dry heat but not the humidity.

I got my coffee and then contemplated how I was going to get home as there is no bus from the square to my house. I had to finagle things.

I became psychotic again last night. I don’t know why I am having break through psychotic symptoms. I am not stressed to the max or anything. It is weird. I also have been having weird dreams. I fell asleep earlier than usual last night and woke up around 0230. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0430. I don’t know if I blogged another blog or not. I didn’t. I guess this heat is making me crazy even with the a/c cranked. I hope I don’t have another episode before I see my pdoc on Friday. Maybe she can make sense of it. I sure can’t.

I am glad I am home and in my room. I need to take a shower but that can wait for now. I have to do it before tonight as I need to change patches. I hate taking a shower in the heat. Even though we have a cooling fan it doesn’t do much but blow around the hot air.

My therapist never texted me back on what I was to write on. Bugger. I will yell at her tomorrow when I talk with her. I still have had fleeting thoughts of dying. Today while waiting for the bus stop I am not familiar with, I was hoping someone would kill me. Just slice my throat open or shoot me. I mean those things happen all the time, why can’t it happen to me. It would save me the trouble of trying to kill myself. I once thought of hiring someone to kill me but I don’t think I could ever raise enough funds to do that. I know my life isn’t worth much to begin with but to someone who would end up in jail because they took my life, might mean more than just a few hundred dollars.

I got my annual retirement statement from my work. I don’t know what to do with it now. It’s not like I can touch the money without penalty. And even if I did, I bet the US treasury would want some for my student loans. But I don’t think they can touch it. I hope not anyways or I will have nothing. Course if I kill myself, it doesn’t matter anyways.

I want to read but I don’t know what to read. I have books piled on my bed and around my bed. All I have to do is choose one and I can’t even do that. Decision are so hard when you have a deep depression. I’m so glad I don’t have to work for now because I HATED having to choose my attire for the day. Not like I had to get dressed up. But I hated choosing which color jeans and what socks to wear (black or white, ankle or tube, etc.) My friend just told me to grab the closest one and usually I did that. I would sometimes wear the same jeans all week because I didn’t want to bother with emptying the pockets for another pair. I have to carry my pens, wallet, change (if I felt like it), and money. I never carry my money in my wallet. I don’t think anyone does. It’s just a safety measure I learned while living in Boston.

I feel really down despite having an ok day. I really want to take a nap right now but I am fighting it. I am exhausted from my trip today just to get my coffee but also from not sleeping through the night and waking up at fricken nine. I finally gave up around ten and got out of bed to have breakfast. Then went out of this stupid coffee. Starbucks is coming out with a home iced brewing system. I am thinking about getting it so that on days like today I don’t have to leave the house. Course I don’t know if I can have some counter space in the kitchen. My mother has this coffee pot, Gevalia, that she never uses but yet it has to be on the counter. If I get this brewing system, it could go there. It would be so nice to make iced coffee at home. I have a French press that I use for hot coffee but it’s a pain to clean because it doesn’t have a filter. When you clean it, you get the grounds all over the place except the bucket. Least that is my luck.

Maybe I should go back on antidepressant. Trouble is that I have been on all of them and each one has upset my stomach. After a few months, I get nauseous in the morning and sometimes I vomit if it gets too bad. I thought at first it was something wrong with my stomach but tests have not shown anything wrong. Once I stopped the antidepressant, the nausea stopped too. And I was taking the lowest dose possible. It sucks. I am glad the mood stabilizer doesn’t give me any side effects other than drowsiness. It also helps my appetite in check. I don’t know how but I lost another few pounds. Course I have not been eating that much lately. I mostly just have been eating cereal and sometimes eggs, if I am up to making them. I used to eat eggs all the time until the depression hit me bad. Now it’s too much of a bother. Everything is too much of a bother.

I think I’ll go back to reading Team of Rivals…

sleepless night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Listened to the Sox win the game. I can’t sleep. It is too hot in my room despite the A/C cranked. My ankle is killing me and I just took an Ativan to try and calm down as my thoughts are squirrelly. It’s going to be a long week as the Red Sox are on the west coast this week which means the games are going to be late ones. I have not missed a game all season, though I might have fallen asleep during one or two. Listening to monotone voices will do that.

I miscalculated my numbers for reaching 10,000 views for my blog. Unless I can get 40 views per day over the next two weeks, I am not going to reach it. My average is 20 views per day so I seriously doubt it is going to happen. But, stranger things have happened. I got 143 views in a single day. If that happens again, I will be in good shape. The nice things about knowing the stats is where the views come from. Today I had about 10 different countries looking at my blog. Usually I just have the US, Canada, the UK, and sometimes Australia. Today I had those four plus Bolivia, Belgium, and India. I forget the other countries.

I hate it when I can’t sleep. It makes me really restless and the more I try to sleep the more restless I get. Which is why I am writing. Sometimes writing will calm me down enough to sleep. I don’t feel racy. My thoughts are just going around in circles because my ankle pain is driving me nuts. I had a deep stabbing pain earlier this evening and now my ankle and foot are on fire. I can’t seem to find a comfy position to put my foot. I am a side sleeper and usually sleeping on my right side will ease the pain but not tonight. So I switch and that makes it worse. I can’t sleep on my back because I will have to raise my feet up so my back doesn’t hurt. And I am too lazy to grab my trapezoid foam cushion to put my legs up. I know I am making excuses. But it’s tough being in pain this late at night. If I am not asleep by two thirty in the morning, I will take another dose of my pain meds. I can’t take anymore right now because it will be too early.

Because of my suicidality, I have been thinking of going in the hospital but there is no way that I can. Not with the way my current pain med prescription is written. I will only have one pill every six hours. That is not going to do me any good, especially when I am in this amount of pain. And if I get a flare up in the hospital, which I most certainly will, I will be beyond screwed. I know I did too much today and now I am paying the price. I hope tomorrow will be better but it already is tomorrow.

My mood still sucks. I still feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I hate it. I have tried to get out of it a few times today but it seems every time I try, the deeper I am sucked in. I have listened to good music to try and keep my spirits up but it has done nothing for me. Just made me think more about why I am single and not in a relationship. Made me think of my ex-girlfriend who I know I hurt once again. I have been meaning to try and text her but I know it is probably for the best that I leave her be. I miss her though. I miss talking to her. But she is crazier than I am. Because of this, I broke up with her again. She just doesn’t realize that she is hurting herself in ways and I can’t be around that. I have tried to point it out to her several times and still she goes back to the same behavior so I put an end to our relationship. It was difficult to do but it had to be done.

Maybe that is why I am depressed. I have not told anyone about how I feel about losing her. Everyone has told me to dump her, that she isn’t good for me. But yet I have not told anyone how much it hurts being apart from her. I know she isn’t good for me and I am probably not good for her, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings got hurt in the process. We have known each other since high school. It really hurts to see this relationship end because of differences of opinion and her wanting to be the victim all the time. And she not taking care of herself. That is what killed me. We are 90 miles away from each other and I couldn’t be there for her even if I wanted to. And another reason why I ended it. No long distance relationship lasts.

I guess I will stop here as it is approaching 2 am.

Most Miserable Man Living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I knew it was going to happen and it did. I crashed into the bottomless pit of depression the other day and can’t seem to pull myself out. I go through my daily routine of getting coffee but it’s so hard to do when all I want to do is stay in my A/C’d room. It is wicked hot in the house and even worse outside.

A friend of mine just came back from Brazil and wants to make plans with me but I don’t feel much for socializing. It takes such an effort to get out of bed and do the hygiene of showering and brushing my teeth. I get exhausted so easily when I feel this way. Everything is an effort. Even my writing is an effort.

The quote that I wrote yesterday in my blog about being the most miserable man living is accurate. I do feel that it is impossible for things to get better. I feel I must die as that is the only way out of this misery. But I don’t see how I can do that. I want things to end but have no real clue as to get them done. Well, I mean, I know the hows to die. Drugs, rope, razor, etc. But the thing that is stopping me is that I don’t have a place to do it. I need a secluded place, like a hotel room or some where isolated. I had a spot during my childhood I could go but now they have turned it into a park. I am so mad that my one secluded place on the planet is now a friggen park. They don’t have much there, just a place to sit down and enjoy the water. No fancy playground or anything of the sort. Just benches and grass. It used to be tall weeds and nothing. The perfect place to do the unthinkable, least to me it was.

I have thought of other places to do the deed but without a car to get there, they may as well be a million miles from where I live. So I am stuck here. What got Lincoln through his depression in 1841 was knowing he had a purpose in his life to achieve. I don’t know if he thought of the presidency then. But he definitely wanted to be in his legislation of his times. That is one reason why I love him. He was able to get through the thickest of depressions and though he remained melancholic throughout his lifetime he still pushed on. I know that I will get through this depression. I usually do. But sitting with it is so damn tough. I get impulsive. I get the urge to do something harmful to myself. But I fight it off the best I can with distraction and what little coping skills I have learned through the years. Music to me has been the greatest. I know you are probably supposed to listen to “happy” music but I find listening to the lyrics of sad music helps me get through. It takes my mind off my problems and think of things or helps me to write better because I can focus on something other than my misery.

Just got a tweet from the current prez of the AAS. I haven’t seen him post his unsuicide campaign in a while and wanted to say hi. While it is a worthwhile campaign, I don’t think you can truly stop every suicide. Sure the Lifeline hotline (800-273-TALK (8255)) does help people. But it doesn’t capture every single one that truly needs help. Siri has now added this lifeline to their questions about death and suicide. I know a lot of people have iPhones more than any other but why can’t google/Android have the same. I just spoke “ways to die” on my phone and got directed towards a veteran’s hotline. The rest were truly ways to die rather than seeking help. I think this is useful but not when someone is in a crisis. I know because I have been there and the last thing on my mind was to call for help.

Dysphoria of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide

All I want to be is DONE.

I didn’t know what to write about today. It’s taken me a long while to come up with something to write. I tried writing in my journal while I was at Starbucks but I just left a blank page. I have been feeling paranoid lately. I feel like everyone is watching me. There were a lot more people in the store today than there usually is so I guess it kind of prevented me writing. I was also really hot and wanted to just sit in the air conditioned room. I also wanted to enjoy my new iced coffee, Kati Kati. I got an email from Starbucks last night about it and so tried it today. It is a little stronger than my Isla Flores but it is ok. I loved it! It was the one joy on this dismal day.

I had therapy this afternoon. I really didn’t want to talk but then I got really suicidal. I had fantasies where I would hang myself off the back porch while my family would be at my cousin’s house for the 4th of July BBQ. We worked out a safety plan that didn’t include me downing a bottle of one of my medication. I am to write and go through my crisis response plan (to what that entails, check out this blog). If these things don’t work, I am to try and get in touch with my therapist, psychiatrist, or go to the hospital. I truly have crashed. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I have no motivation. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

I knew this crash was coming. I just didn’t think it would come this fast. I think it just came at the beginning of this grief that I am feeling. I also am feeling trapped by living. I don’t want to live. I just want to die. Life to me is just worthless. Nothing gives me pleasure except that one coffee I have from Starbucks a day. And watching baseball games. Least I can get lost for a little while watching the games because each pitch keeps me entertained. I love when the batter keeps fouling pitches and the at-bat count gets about five. My sox are good at working the pitch count in their favor.

I texted my therapist about what to write. She told me to write about something but I forgot what that is. I think it was on feeling trapped but that has many definitions. I feel trapped because I am now forced to live this thing called life and I don’t want to. I feel trapped because I am in the wrong body. And that truly is what is depressing me. I know my hormones are still going whacky. I just think that this whole business of transitioning to another gender is too hard. I can’t even talk about it anymore. I am starting to feel like a freak. Sure I can dress in male clothes all I want but that doesn’t help my huge chest. I wish they were just man boobs (which I guess technically they are) but it distresses me. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror because I am ugly. I know that I have some form of body dysmorphic dysphoria. But if I already am dysphoric in general, does that mean that I have all the other dysphorias? I have gender identity disorder, how can I not. I want to kill myself because I am in the wrong body. I want to be a boy. And sadly, I don’t think that is ever going to happen because of my damn menstrual cycle. In order for me to get rid of my menses, I had to pretty much tell the doc that I get more than just the typical depression with my periods. I get down right suicidal. So pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder was tacked on to my list of diagnoses. Another female diagnosis. It is a good thing that I don’t have access to guns. I think I would have blown my brains out by now.