Tag: suicide ideation

Dark Moments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt

Dark Moments

My psychiatrist called me tonight after the email that I sent her. Here is what I wrote:
“things aren’t any better. I feel like all I am doing is going round and round on a guinea pig wheel. I am so tired that I can’t stop. Fatigue has hit me hard and fear the demons might come out tonight. I just wish this would all end. I’m tired of fighting the same battle with the same result. Bozo is going on vacation soon, for two weeks. I plan on taking my life the first of the two weeks. I just feel like a failure if I don’t try. Course I might be a failure if I do. I haven’t been too successful in either department. I still am getting heaviness in my chest. It’s like this invisible weight comes out of no where, pushing me down. Sometimes I can’t breathe. It’s not like a panic or anxiety attack. It’s just psychache that is very heavy. I don’t know if I am making sense”.

She wanted to know if I would still be seeing her on Friday. I said yes and I will be sporting a new haircut. This is how psycho I am. I am talking about taking my life and yet I want to get a buzz cut. I feel really anxious and I know it has to do with her call because I am so nervous. If she didn’t get in touch with me, I would be sectioned right now. She really was concerned. I told her something just gets a hold of me and I just write these things. To me, they are just words on a computer screen. They don’t mean anything to me, but when someone reads them, it is cause for concern. I don’t understand it. I know Hyde is responsible for some if it. I know he has been out more. Whenever I am dealing with TG stuff, he comes out more. I don’t know if I will be in the hospital or not. I am hoping not because Hyde won’t come out. I don’t think I am in danger. I just write my dangerousness out. I don’t think I will act on it, as much as I really want to.

These dark moments really get to me, after the fact. While I am writing them, they feel normal and translucent. It’s like I am not really writing them. I vaguely remember them in the morning. This is the second time that my psych has called me after sending her a terrible email of my dark thoughts. I try not to send them to her because I know they are cause for concern but I just can’t seem to hold back. She wants to know how I am doing so I tell her, honestly and truthfully. I know I probably should hold off sending them to her but I always hit send instead of save. I don’t know if I wrote on my laptop or if I sent it by my phone. The phone is easier to hit send than save.

I just feel like I am wasting her time in her trying to save me. I am just so miserable. There are no medications that she can give me to ease my pain, my psychological pain. There are times I just want to overdose on everything that I have to ease this pain, this psychache. But I don’t do it because I don’t want my mother to find me like that. I need to really do something about this. But I don’t know what to do. How do you cope with demons?? These are more than just dark moments. They are pure suicidal moments and they might just kill me.

I just filled in, the best I could via text message, to my therapist. I told her to call me today. I really need her assurance I am not losing my mind. Or if I am losing my mind, what we are going to do about it. I really don’t think going in the hospital is gong to help me. It never does. It sometimes makes things worse because I get frustrated. I just don’t know what to do. I wish there was an easy answer but there isn’t.

Struggles with Struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Seeing as I have been lifted from my babysitting duties today, I plan on starting a new book series, Game of Thones. I have heard all the hype on TV and I know I am late to the party, but I want to join. I do better with books anyway. I like that they are more tangible and more imaginative in your mind than a TV show. And there’s no disappointment because you are the one making the stuff up as you read. I was going to go back to the Harry Potter books but every time I read “Deathly Hallows” I cry afterwards because it’s the last book in the series. I am buying the collection for Game of Thrones because it’s less than $30 for the first 5 books. I wish my Civil War book collection that I want was priced like that. I am a Civil War buff.

Therapy went well. We talked about my writing and about the “love/hate” blog I wrote. She thinks that I should keep everything that I wrote in the Darkness blog. It’s powerful stuff. So I will keep it. If anyone can read beyond the first two pages, good luck to them. My therapist wants a hard copy of this blog so I will send her the first manuscript that I printed off. So now I got to complete the rest of the editing. I don’t know when I will get this done. I am not planning on editing today because the Square is a mess. A building that has several bus routes going through it is falling down so they have closed off the area. No traffic through the area and that is just trouble. They have been trying to fix this building for months so I don’t understand why suddenly it is unstable. Doesn’t make any sense. It is possible the bad winter damaged it beyond repair, but that is just my speculation. I tried desperately to get out of my session on Thursday but it didn’t work, even though it will cause me more stress trying to get things done before I pick up my niece. I will have to just take the train and bus rather than just the bus to get to my father’s apartment.

I have a medical appointment tomorrow that I am not looking forward to. But it needs to happen and I hope that it is painless and not embarrassing. I am not getting my weight checked because I know I have gained a few pounds since my last appointment, especially since I overate this weekend. I didn’t have a chance to talk about this with my therapist. We were so focused on my damn writing and how I interpret it. I am going to get my haircut after the appointment. I just have to check to see if the same stylist is going to be there. She did a good job and I want it done the same way again.

I am still feeling like I am stuck in the gutter. I wrote to my psychiatrist exactly how I was feeling and I didn’t get a response. Maybe she has figured out when I am blowing off steam and when I really need to talk to her through what I say. I don’t know. I was blowing off steam and wasn’t giving specifics on when I was going to kill myself but pretty much that I have a plan and might be going through with it. I don’t know if I will be facing another hospitalization or not. I am going to fight it tooth and nail. It just doesn’t help. But then, nothing does so why bother?

Think I will go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and get some Doritos. I don’t have chips often but lately, I have been craving that particular brand. Along with Ring Dings. I blame fricken baseball because they always advertise Drake cakes during the game. I know they are bad but everything in moderation, right?

It’s supposed to rain today but so far it hasn’t, least not in my area. It’s just wicked humid out. I need to go out for my daily exercise. I figure if I go out a little bit every day, maybe my mood won’t suck as much. I then can take a shower before going back to my room or something. I need to take a shower before tomorrow morning. I am not good at waking up early the last few days, because my damn sleep schedule has been fucked up again. I don’t know why. This morning it was because of pain. My toes were killing me at like 6 this morning. Not a fun way to wake up. I took my pain meds and then went back to sleep about an hour later. I was having a good sleep until my damn mother decided to call to see if she closed the windows on the porch. Then after I tell her I have an appointment at 1230, she calls me at 1240 to see where I am. WTF. Leave me the fuck alone, already!

Another Lazy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Another lazy Monday

I woke up at an odd hour and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up half the night, partly because I was in pain and partly because the nap gave me some energy. I didn’t do anything today except pick up my niece. I watched her for about an hour or so until my other niece came (her older sister) and I went upstairs to my room to sleep some more. I just cannot get out of sleep mode. Granted the heat isn’t helping, but man, all I want to do is sleep.

I didn’t eat too much today. I am still feeling bloated from the meal I had the other night. I finally figured out why. I am constipated. I realized sometime last week that I didn’t put in my senna in my pill box. I have been going but the last few days I have not, hence why I am bloated and my stomach is not feeling well.

My mood is still in the gutter. My therapist wants me to meet with her Thursday but I don’t think it is possible. I would have to see my father early, get home, then pick up my niece. With the way my energy levels have been, I doubt I could do all that. I rather just have one appointment this week anyways. I really don’t seem to get why we need to meet twice a week when it’s not really helping me at the moment. Plus, I am seeing my pdoc Friday so that should count towards something. I also emailed her about the difficulties I have been having. I might email her again with this tiredness that won’t go away. I am so sick of being tired all the time and I am not increasing or taking anything to make me sleepy so I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I haven’t heard from my father’s PCP’s nurse. I am going to call tomorrow and make a stink if they haven’t given him a month’s supply of his medication. We don’t see the doc until next week but he will be out come this Thursday. I hate when doctor’s think they are smart and really, they are stupid.

Because of my sleepiness, I haven’t written anything or edited anything. I haven’t even read my book. I just don’t feel like doing anything. There is no baseball game tonight as they are off. They are back in town, which is good. I hope they can keep their momentum up for winning.

I wish I could write what I was feeling. But I don’t want to be too triggering for people. I still want to end my life, though I think I probably won’t go through with it. I want to try it though, to see if it would work. Thing is, it is the week my therapist is on vacation. She has made it very clear that I should not do anything while she is away. I on the other hand, think it will be perfect timing because she won’t know and she will be away. I don’t know the hold she has over me that prevents me from going through with my ideas on ending my life. I guess there is a level of trust there and I don’t want to break it. Because if I say I am going to be there when she is back, I mean it. I don’t give my word and take it back like some people do. I am so torn though. I really want to end my life and don’t want to see the light of day anymore. The ideas I have about ending my life keep ruminating around my head. I see myself preparing and acting on what I am planning. But will I actually do it when the day comes around? That is the question. I will be very sad if I don’t go through with it. I always get really depressed when I plan a date with death and then don’t go through with it. It just makes me really sad.

TG Issues 6: Coming Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

TG Issues 6: coming out

I got a text message from my sister tonight about my mother. She wanted to know if I told her yet, even though I told her, via text, next week. When I told her I was writing her a letter, she got me upset. She said that I shouldn’t do that, she (mother) wouldn’t understand. It’s not like she is going to understand it better me telling her but she is deaf and this will cut down on me having to repeat myself multiple times, causing me more aggravation. Sister then thinks that I shouldn’t be doing this at all, unless it’s face to face. Fuck that. I just spent an hour with the crisis text (741741, US only) telling them how my sister is not supporting me and how upset I am about it. I seriously just wanted to die by suicide when I got her multiple texts. It was like she was pulling support from me and I just couldn’t handle it. No one knows how suicidal I am right now. And this subject is the cause of me being suicidal. The text line took at least 40 minutes to get to me. I was denying the severity of my suicidality. Only because I knew that I would not be acting on what I was feeling and usually they want to deal with that. I am still having thoughts of wanting to kill myself that are very intense.

I basically am going to tell my mother that I do not want to be called a “miss” anymore. And that if I am, it will be ignored until the correct pronoun is used. The correct pronoun should be either mister or sir. I am not a female. I do not wish to discuss this in person as it is upsetting to me and when you call me “miss”, it hurts me. I hope you will respect my wishes. I think this is sufficient. I don’t need to tell her that I am thinking about becoming a man or getting testosterone shots or anything of that nature. She doesn’t need to know.

What I wrote in the last paragraph is sufficient. I will bring it up to my therapist when I talk to her on Tuesday. I will be emailing this to my psychiatrist so she is aware of what is going on. I know I could have paged her tonight, but I didn’t want to bother her this late on a Friday night. I am always afraid of her telling me to “come in”, meaning go to the ER.

I also talked with my blogger friend in CA. She always makes me feel better because she understands TG issues. She has many friends that are either gay or TG. I envy her. I wish I was a part of a community. This weekend is Boston’s Pride but I won’t be attending because I can’t stand crowds. It gives me horrible anxiety. Plus with my ankle acting up, I doubt I would be able to stand for too long. I should get one of the walker seats but I am not there yet. I want to be mobility free as possible but it’s getting more and more likely that I will need to have these devices because I just cannot tolerate walking long distances or standing for more than twenty minutes.

I took my meds along with my pain meds. I was going to take an extra Ativan but I don’t think I will need it. I am not as anxious as I was a few hours ago. I think the pain meds have blunted my emotions as I am very tired. Least my ankle is not hurting me as much anymore, which is a good thing. Maybe now, I can finally go to sleep.