Tag: suicide

Your Word

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

I think I should just give up sleep. I just can’t get sleepy tonight. I have my head racing a mile a minute and the voices won’t shut up so I am playing music because it is the only thing that calms me down. I had to go up on my meds to quiet them out. I love when I have three conversations going on in my head at once. It gets loud and noisy. Drives me crazy. Just picture a crowded lunch room with a bunch of people talking at once. That is what is going on in my head right now. Doesn’t help that I should not have had the sausage for dinner. My stomach is killing me. I just took some antacid. I wish I could fall asleep but it just isn’t happening. I am too wound up. The voices keep asking me questions. What am I doing? what am I writing? How am I feeling? What do you think of this? What do you think of that? UGH I just want to sleep and they just don’t get it. Least they aren’t telling me what to do. But I am scared the new voices, the ones that are having a big conversation might turn against me. Then I will have to go to the hospital. I would hate that.

I don’t know why I have been so angry lately, more annoyed, than I have been. Started with someone calling me a bullshitter. I am not. I can’t even if I tried and then you will know that it is. I did realize that if I don’t go through with my plans to end my life, I will be breaking a promise to myself and I don’t know if I can live with that because I have let myself down so many times. That is why I keep future dates. But this time I really mean it. I am not going to see 2014. I just can’t face another year of being in pain. I know I should learn to live with it but I just can’t. I can’t break a promise to myself that I will end the suffering. What started this all was reading today’s AAS (American Association of Suicidology) blog. I felt like I could go on if only I could live with the pain. But I can’t. It’s too unbearable. It might not be all the time. It might not be every day. But when it hits, I just want to curl up and die. But instead I am just popping pills. I am a pill popper. And I don’t like it. I am ashamed of it. But with out these pills, I am in horrific pain. And isn’t it better that I am not in pain while popping these pills? It’s a catch 22 and you can’t eat your cake too. Though I would have loved some cake tonight. I miss having desserts. I used to have pie all the time when I was at work but then the pies got sucky and I switched to cake. Some cakes were better than others. I wouldn’t eat the frosting, just the cake part because that is what I like, with a little bit of frosting not a glob. Though sometimes in my moods for chocolate, I will eat the frosting, if it isn’t too sweet. But I digress…

Right now my stomach and throat hurt. Not because of the same reasons. I knew I shouldn’t have had the greasy sausage so that is why my stomach is acting up. My throat is acting up because I still have whatever virus or bacteria I caught last week. I have the A/c going because it is quite warm in my room and humid. I cannot stand humidity. So now I am freezing in my winter pjs and have my comforter on. Oh well.

What does your word mean if you don’t keep it? I mean we all make promises to ourselves all the time. We promise to go on a diet, to go to the gym, etc. but what if you make a promise to kill yourself? How can you not keep that promise when it means so much to you? I am struggling with that question. I mean if you give your word to someone, you generally keep it, least I do. That is why I am still here. Because I have kept my word to her that I would not kill myself. But what about my word to myself? Don’t I get the same kind of respect? Am I disrespecting myself by not keeping my word to MYSELF? I don’t know. Maybe promises to yourself are meant to be broken and only those for others are to be kept. It just hurts that I have to live to please others when I am disrespecting myself knowing that I should be dead.

Also what has been ticking me off is that the prez of the AAS thinks he can stop suicide from ever happening. He is fooling himself. I half want to say to him, dude, if you can save me you can save the world but I don’t tell him my true feelings. How can I in 140 characters on twitter? Even the founder of the AAS has stated that he does not want to live in a world where suicide doesn’t exist. Suicide is and always will be an individual choice that no one else can make but you. So why am I still hanging on?

sleeplessness and mania

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

I have been up since 0130. I have tried going back to sleep but it has been a useless battle. My throat is still hurting but I don’t see my primary until next week. I feel silly making an appointment a week apart.

I emailed my psychiatrist about the symptoms I have been having. I told her about the euphoria last week and now me not sleeping. I feel manic but I don’t have the euphoria to go with it. I also have been feeling under the weather still with this cold or allergies that I have. I am congested all in my head and my throat still hurts. I had therapy today and it was quite a treat. I couldn’t speak at normal volume because I still am hurting. I also told my psychiatrist I missed two days of meds because I couldn’t swallow. I still can’t swallow too good but it is better. Every thing doesn’t go down like rocks. So far I have not heard back from her and I am kind of worried when she doesn’t respond. I want to know what to do or if I should just do things on my own. I am really shocked that I only slept for about four hours with taking 1200 mg of Neurontin. That shit usually knocks me out for at least twelve hours.

I had my buffalo wings for lunch. I was so looking forward to them. I should have put them on broil for a few minutes to have them crispy but I was so hungry I said the hell with it. I have not eaten since yesterday. And I have been up for thirteen hours now. After I write this blog, I am going to try and take a nap. The Ativan I took a couple of hours ago has helped with the racing thoughts. I feel much calmer now but I still don’t see a sleep time in my future.

I had therapy today. That was fun. We mostly talked about me being sick and me being up for so long. I should have gone back to sleep this morning but I never did. I have been on my laptop and I finished watching “Lincoln” the movie. I started watching it last night but I fell asleep. This must have been around 9 or so. Then I wake up 0130 in pain. I texted my therapist most of the night giving her updates. I texted her at 0530 saying I was up and then again at 0630 the same thing. I gave up trying to go back I really did because it was morning anyways. But around 0930 I started to lose some gas so thought I would be able to snooze. Problem was my mother was not home and people were calling her non-stop. The phone just rang and rang, pissing me off. I finally got up to tell the idiot that she wasn’t home but they had stopped calling by the time I made it to my mother’s bedroom.

I have no idea what the hell is going on with my phone. Last week I was unable to make any calls going out. So had the sprint customer service guy go over my plan. I thought it was because I owed them money but I actually had a credit on the account. The guy asked if I got a new phone. I said no. I have had the same phone for over a year. He tells me to power it off and then power it on. I was grateful that he didn’t tell me to take the battery out because it is a bitch to take the cover off and put it back on. Once the phone was turned on, it says that it is connecting to the network activation like a new phone. I was like WTF. Just now I had a voicemail and it says that I have to customize my voicemail. HUH??? I got through the process like I have a new phone. So fucking weird I tell you. So I hope that now I don’t have any problems with my phone after all the updates and such. I still have all my apps and text messages, though I don’t remember hearing my old voicemail messages. Oh well. I don’t remember who called anyways.

The guy from the group psychotherapy called me. He wants to know if I am coming back or if this is it. I am going to tell him it is over. I can’t go back to the group because it just isn’t for me. I was getting wicked suicidal after each session so I know that it wasn’t working out like I had planned. I never felt that way with my other groups.

My throat is still hurting me. It hurts when I swallow, it hurts when I try to clear it, and it hurts just doing nothing. My pain meds help take the pain away so I am happy about that. I just want it to go away NOW. I hate having a cold. And if that is what I have I will be overdosing on vitamin D until this goes away. Vitamin D boosts the immune system with a cytokine that actually helps respiratory infections. I did a lot of research with vitamin D when I was working with researchers so I know a little something about this awesome vitamin. I know that part of the reason I got sick was because I had stopped taking it. I didn’t mean to stop, I just forgot to add it to my pill pack.

I was going to work on my book today but I think I will work on my other project, my Lyrics. It is a compilation of songs that have meaning for me so I write the lyrics down and then I will write what they mean to me. I think it is a good exercise in writing, one that has not been done before, least to my current knowledge. I doubt that I will get it published because of copyrights and such but I can always keep the notebook I am writing in. the copyright people don’t have to know. I often wonder how artists and writers are able to go to the publishers and get the copyrights for their books. Kay Redfield Jamison is one of those authors that uses other people’s work in her books. I wonder if her editor helps her with that or if they contact the publishing company, because most of what she writes the people are dead. For example, she wrote about a letter that Edgar Allan Poe wrote. Pretty difficult to get his permission to publish in her book as he has been dead for over a hundred years.

Poe is one of my favorite authors. I have not read all his works. When I saw the Movie the raven, I revisited his works on the topics they were covering and they were quite strange and creepy. I couldn’t finish reading it. Rats eating a man because he was there with them. Gross! The rats didn’t kill him but the thought of them feasting on him because they were looking for food just freaked me out and I couldn’t read anymore because the man went insane. I forget the rest of the story but it wasn’t good. No my favorite Poe story is the tell-tale heart. I read that in my freshman year of high school and was a Poe lover from then on. I never got to read murder in the Rue morgue but maybe someday I will. I have a lot of time on my hands these days because I don’t work. But reading can be difficult to do at times especially when the depression is bad and you can’t think. I started a book, several actually, and have not finished one except for the books that I had to write reviews for. Even though I have the time, I just don’t manage it wisely. I rather be on Facebook playing my games than read. Though there have been times that I have been bored with Facebook and decided to read any ways. My mother thinks that because I am in my room all the time I am sleeping. She doesn’t know that I am working on my writing or reading or just being on the computer. She tells me that I sleep too much. HA! If only I truly did!! It’s now been almost fourteen hours that I have been up on four hours sleep. But even though I am tired, I know that I won’t be able to sleep. I am just too restless. My brain is not racing but it is over tired like I am. But I am going to try sleeping anyway so that maybe this cold that I have has a chance of spending less time with me.

Until the next time…

book reviews and baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Starting to feel better finally from this weird throat thing that I have. Now I am just congested with either a cold or allergies. My throat pain finally dissipated sometime this morning so I can swallow a little better but my head just feels like it is underwater. The pressure is incredible. I just took a bunch of pills to make it go away, from decongestants to antihistamines to Tylenol.

I am still debating getting out of the house and going to the ATM to get me a steak and cheese sub. I am starving as I have not really eaten anything in two days. The good news is that I lost some weight and hope it stays off. My appetite has not been what is has been since lowering my anti-psychotic meds. Since I have been having trouble swallowing the past two nights, I haven’t really been taking my meds. It just hurt too much. I just hope there isn’t a big backlash to that.

I am hoping to catch a nap today as I woke up at 3 in the morning in pain again, this time it was my throat and not my ankle. I am really tired and maybe that is why I feel so sluggish. I know not eating has something to do with that as well. I had a bowl of cereal today and it went down ok. But now I am not hungry, even though I really want a steak and cheese sub. I still have some time though to get it. I might get it for dinner unless my mother makes something that isn’t pasta. I am sick of pasta.

I have been feeling blue most of the day. I don’t really know why. I guess I still am not feeling myself and am not looking forward to going to my father’s appt tomorrow. I wish I could get out of it but someone has to take him because he doesn’t read English and someone has to be there with him to know what is going on. He can’t be trusted to remember what the doctors say to him because he gets confused, but then he is 81 years old…

I am doing a favor for my friend in writing a review for her books. Her book about dog companionship has me going into her life more than I already know about her. It is kind of fun reading it because she has some fun dog stories which I am sure were not fun at the time they happened. On the back cover of the book cover, is a man in an ’04 Red Sox Championship T-shirt holding a puppy. It is the cutest and the pic took me back to when my boys won that Series. It brings tears to my eyes still every time I write about it, but then baseball stories will do that to me. I had watched the DVD of the ’07 Series and cried all through it because I remember what the team went through to get to the World Series and sweep the Rockies in the end. Good times!!

Tonight my Sox are playing Tampa Bay. I hate that team. Can’t stand the manager at all, never have. It used to be that it was the weakest link the in the AL East but now they have become challengers for contention over the years. I don’t know how that happened! Now the weakest link in the AL is the Houston Astros. What I still can’t believe is that the Milwaukee Brewers are still a team. I thought they would have phased out long ago but since they have been on the National League, they never play Boston anymore so it’s easy to forget they exist.

My friend in Chicago has just started graduate studies for a doctoral degree in psychology. I told him I would help him anyway I could so I am sending, or will be sending him, a couple of Jobes books to him for his interest in suicide. I think that the books I will be sending him should be standard textbooks for all those in the mental health field, not just in the field of psychology. I may be biased because I am a HUGE Jobes fan but as long as there is interest in the field, I say go for it!! I would like to consider myself the Jobes representative in the East coast, LOL.

things you have control of

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day because I didn’t sleep most of the night. Around five, after my mother ate her dinner, she had a hypoglycemic episode. I heard her yell something so came down the stairs. She was trying to get up off the couch but she couldn’t. I am glad because she could have fallen head first into the coffee table. I gave her some sugar water and when that didn’t work I gave her some OJ. Finally her sugar went up to normal and before bed she had something to eat as her sugar was “low” at 128. I don’t know why her sugars have been down but I think it is because she cleaned the bathroom and didn’t have any snacks in between.

This is the second time in two weeks she has had this episode. While this cause my adrenaline to get pumped up, afterwards I was wiped out. Even though I had slept most of the day, the up caused me to get down real quick. I had a bowl of cereal. I had talked to my therapist earlier that day but had no recollection of what we talked about. I know she is going to call my psychiatrist and tell her what is going on. I feel like I am being ratted out but she feels like my psychiatrist should know my plans.

A friend of mine sent me her book on penpals. I am to write a review after I read it. I am in the early chapters but am moving along. So far it is an OK book and I am hoping by the end of the main character’s trip, she meets up with her childhood Penpal.

I just had my morning coffee. No Isla Flores today as it is raining out and I just don’t feel like getting wet. I did take a shower today and brushed my teeth, something that I have not been doing in a few days. I know most people that read this will have no idea why I write about it. It is because with depression, those things are forgotten about. I know you might be thinking, big deal, but for those with depression, it is a big deal. It is all about self-care and those are the basics things that need to be done. You might not need to shower every day, but you do need to brush your teeth. I have been so bad I might do it 3-4 days of the week. Or just when I shower, which is usually every other day. It is hard to remember to brush because I have gotten so out of the habit. I can’t really brush in the morning because I have bad post nasal drip (PND) that gags me and if I try to brush, I will vomit. So I have to do it when I am not feeling so nauseated by the PND.

For two days this week, I was feeling really good, almost totally euphoric. But something happened on the middle of the second day and I have been feeling “normal” aka my baseline, since then. I am waiting for a crash to happen. I also have had no appetite during this period. My appetite came back today. I woke up feeling really hungry so made myself an egg with toast. I then needed to take a shower because the egg yolk spurted out onto my t-shirt. I hate when that happens.

My friend that sent me a book, sent me another book about dogs, also to review. I had a hard time choosing between which one to read first as I like dogs and her dogs are adorable. In the preview, it talked about how her husband got sick and they became interested in dogs as a sort of therapy while her husband was recovering. But I chose the Penpal book because I have a deadline with that. I have a month to write the review for it. The book is not long. Most of her books are not more than 120 pages. (Yes, in addition to her friend, I am also her fan, but don’t tell her that!)

I started the patch this week for menses. So far, I have been feeling no side effects and don’t even notice the patch. The temperature has dropped since the beginning of the week. We are now in the cool 50-60s. And as I said earlier, we have rain. I think it is going to rain all weekend, which might seriously affect my baseball game tonight. Heavy rain is predicted around game time. And like most of the games this season, the Angels are only coming to Fenway once so a make up game might be in the works for tomorrow. But I hate double headers. My team doesn’t do well. Last night they won in a walk-off homer by David Ortiz. I was in dreamland. Like I said before, I was not feeling good yesterday. I had woken up at 0230 in pain and didn’t go back to sleep until 0600. To say that I was pissed off at 0230 in the morning is an understatement. I was livid and that kind of kept me up more than anything. I finally got the pain under control but I still couldn’t go to sleep. Around 0530, I got hungry so had a bowl of cereal. I then fell asleep shortly after that. I hate it when I wake up in pain because you don’t know if you are going to stay up all night in pain or if taking something is going to put you back to sleep. But after I slept I was up every three hours which totally fucked up my day. I finally got some decent sleep after I talked with my therapist. I know she wanted to talk more about my date and stuff but I wasn’t going to talk about it. I just keep things to myself because I can. She doesn’t want me to kill myself. I get that but she also needs to understand that I might do it anyways. I keep thinking about how this might look from another person’s perspective and it isn’t good. I know my therapist is trying to get me to see that I am meant to live but I don’t want to live in pain anymore. Killing myself is the one thing that I have control over. The pain I don’t have control over. Even with meds, I still am in pain most of the time. I might not feel it all the time because I have gotten so used to it but it is there.