Tag: suicide

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.

another day, another flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I forgot to tell her about the musical hallucinations I have been getting. I will probably email this information to her later today. Things went okay, walk wise. I am kind of upset that my PCP’s office didn’t call me until I was on my way home, saying that the paperwork I needed was ready to be picked up. Now I need to go Monday to get it. Sucks.

She did a mini neuro exam to make sure my nerves were intact. She again stressed that she was concerned about side effects from the trilafon because it was a first generation drug and that I have been taking it more regularly. I understand the concern but I am not worried about it. I have been on this drug a long time and know the limits of it. As long as I don’t take more than 8 mg a day, I should be fine. She still wants me to take just 4 mg but I explained to her that sometimes it just doesn’t cover the agitation and voices or the musical hallucinations that I have. I also try to just take it at night but I sometimes need it during the day because I do get paranoid when I take the public transportation system. I did surprisingly well today, though I felt “stuck” as a monster stroller pretty much kept me in my seat at the last stop. I had to wait for that passenger to get off before I could get off. I didn’t panic, which was good.

Before I went to my appointment, I went to Starbucks and wrote the stuff I needed to write for the Adler chapter. I plan on writing the email once I finish this blog. It didn’t take me long as I just had a few suggestions and comments. While I was there, my ankle was being a pain so I took some pain meds. I just had coffee as my funds were low so I couldn’t get something to eat. I wasn’t that hungry anyways. I finally did have something when I came home. My mother made my favorite, asparagus and eggs. I ate it plain, without bread. Mostly because we are still out. I swear when I get paid I am buying more than I usually do and freezing the extra so we have it for the month. Also need to get Italian bread. Last night I went online to order groceries. My cart was $0 and within 5 mins, it went up to $140. That is my typical spending spree. I only shop once a month so that is my monthly shopping bill.

Last night I tweeted via direct message a friend of mine because I was feeling low and like a hypocrite for being in the suicide prevention arena yet feeling wicked suicidal. He told me I wasn’t and that he loved me. Then he read my last blog and got worried. I had gone back to sleep so I didn’t get the message until I woke up a couple of hours later. I replied while waiting at the bus stop. He was thankful for it.

Because I have been very inactive most of the week and just filling up on pain meds, my bowels were stuck. They were finally set free today and thank god they were hard or I would have had an accident coming home. I am really glad I didn’t stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I never would have made it home without pooping my pants. It would have killed me. Because my ankle acted up while I was going back to my room after eating, I am not planning on going back out until Monday. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. The sad thing is that I can’t bear weight on my foot or ankle. It’s too painful. My psych asked if my pain meds were adequate and I told her they were. But I needed to take them around the clock in order to get relief. If I am not in so much pain, I usually don’t. This week has been so bad, that I have had to. I know I probably should take the stronger pain med because it works better and kills the pain for longer periods than my regular pain meds but it’s wicked constipating. Even though I have been taking senna and fiber pills, I was backed up.

I’m really glad I decided not to go to PT. It would have really caused a worse flare up and I don’t think I would be able to stand it. It’s bad enough that I am hanging by a thread and that thread keeps getting thinner and thinner as time goes on. One day it’s just not going to be there anymore. And that is when I say sayonara.

I told my psych that I was tempted to page her at 3 in the morning the night I could barely sleep because I was in so much pain. She said she would have answered the page. That is good to know because I really needed someone to talk to at that hour. She said that I should find a west coast buddy. I laughed because a west coast friend did contact me but unfortunately, my meds had started to take effect finally and I was on my way to dreamland (three hours later).

Random 515

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I woke up surprisingly just before 0800. I didn’t have to babysit until around 0915. My foot and ankle were hurting me so I just took one pain pill. I wasn’t going to go out. I made myself breakfast and then read some Dostoevsky. I planned on writing what I needed to for the Adler chapter but I just couldn’t think straight and I was really groggy. When my niece’s grandmother came to pick her up around an hour later, I just went to bed. My mother called me like an hour later but I didn’t pick up.

I have been in pain for most of the week. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon. I had emailed her a short email about how I was doing. Nothing bad. Just that I was in pain still and continuing to struggle with it. I apologized for not sending her any blogs because I felt they would be worrisome to her as my mood has been bleak. I don’t want her to know that I have been having suicidal thoughts and plan on acting on them.

I so need a shower. I plan on taking on soon. I also need to brush my teeth. I was going to do it this morning but I just couldn’t stand long enough. I was in too much pain.

The Sox game was on this afternoon but I didn’t watch it. They lost. Now I have the evening free. I am just going to shower and then take my meds and go to bed. Very interesting, I know. I just don’t feel like doing much. I kind of gave myself a writing assignment. Last night while going through my blogs, I found a quote from Dostoevsky and I think I am going to write more about it. The blog didn’t really say much about it. I got off tangent and it was hard to follow so I am writing a new one.

Post 1900

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Post 1900

My psychiatrist called in my trilafon. Unfortunately, she didn’t change the damn order so I am still “taking” one pill a day. I told her in the email that I am taking 2 pills a day. I am aggravated. I see her on Friday so I hope she will write a new order then.

I didn’t have anyone to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription so I took a chance of going out to get it. I was hurting but not more than usual. As a treat to myself, I bought some hot fries. I figure I will have them while I watch the game tonight. I came home and I was sweating up a storm. It was muggy out.

I did make coffee today. But I really have had much to eat. I just am not hungry. I slept most of the day as I really didn’t want to get up. We are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich or something. I hope my mother gets some tomorrow. I hate being out of bread.

I was reading some of my blogs from last June. I honestly don’t know how I am alive today as I was so depressed and suicidal. And not much has changed. I had emailed my psychiatrist the most dreadful stuff. I am really surprised I didn’t get put into the hospital then.

I haven’t written to my therapist in a few days. There has been nothing I really want to write. Even today’s blog has been difficult. I guess being in pain and taking pain meds has really affected my feelings. All I want to do is sleep and then when it’s time to sleep, I am in pain. I have to watch my niece for a few hours tomorrow, which means I need to wake up early. I don’t know if that is possible given that I rarely have been awake before 9 all week. I again don’t have anything to do so I will set my alarm, just in case I over sleep. I hope I am not up all night. That will really suck.