Tag: therapist

another hot pre-summer day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Another hot pre-summer day

Another hot day in Boston. I cannot stand it. I am in a grumpy mood. I don’t know if I am going to go to PT tonight. I should go because I haven’t left the house all week and I need to get my prescription. I was able to shower but now am exhausted. My leg is killing me from where I injected the T. I seem to have flared up my whole leg. Doesn’t bode well for walking to my appointment and doing physical therapy. I will see how I am around 2pm and if I am in still in pain, I will cancel.

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. My shoulder flared up on me and it took a while to settle down. I sent my therapist a message asking if she was going to leave any time soon. The way she was saying she didn’t have time for me made me wonder if she was going somewhere. She sent me this long message back about how her time is split between two clinics and also reiterated that I would benefit from a group in addition to therapy. I wrote back that I don’t think groups fit for me and right now with my upcoming surgery I don’t think entering a group would be ideal.

Just had my second coffee of the day. I found that if I have a second cup I can usually ward off a daytime nap. It usually wears off around 1730 though and I get super tired. My sister is going to give me a ride to my appointment so I don’t have to take the T first leg of the trip. I really don’t like late appointments but it was the only time she could fit me in. Next week I am not seeing her and if I skip today that will be three weeks I haven’t seen her.

I just changed my shirt and put deodorant on, something I always forget to do when I go out. I am so used to not going out that I forget when I do go out to wear it. I know I will be needing another shower when I come home from PT. I should cancel because I am in so much pain but I really need to go. I messaged the PT to tell her to go easy on me. She agreed. She is a good therapist. I call her the poking therapist because she always seems to poke to get to the spot that is knotted. She did a good job on my calf. It doesn’t seem so tight anymore. It was twitching after I took a shower. I love taking showers but also hate them because they make me exhausted. I usually take just one a week but in this heat I need to take more. It is supposed to cool off tomorrow. I want to go grocery shopping. I want to make lemon chicken. My sister made it a few weeks ago and I loved it. Been craving it since then with some white rice. I also plan on making zucchini like my niece made. It was really good.

another scorching day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Another scorchering day

It’s so hot my AC can’t keep up. It’s cool in my room but not cold. Humidity is up to 47% un my room. It is muggy to say the least. I hate it. And it is only the beginning of June! Summer hasn’t even started yet. Boston has consistently gone from freezing to hot temps the last few years. I hate it. Just last weekend we had the heat on it was so cold. I didn’t go outside much today. I drank my coffee on my porch and then realized why I don’t do this on a hot day. I was sweating so much from being outside for just a few minutes. I need to take a shower and I will after I have my dinner.

I had therapy today. We discussed the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Apparently it has been in my record for some time. I didn’t know that. I am still upset about it because of the stigma attached to the diagnosis. She agreed to take it off her notes but can’t do much about what others have written. She said that I feel empty which is a major component of the diagnosis. I do at times but it isn’t all the damn time. Most of the time I feel numb and depressed. She also said that I am angry at her a lot of the time. WTF I would love to know when I have been angry at her. If she has been taking my shutting down as being angry with her, she is dead wrong. I shut down because I don’t know what to say after I have been called out. It takes me a while to recover and come up with something to say. It is easier for me to say nothing than to react.

I asked for a couple weeks break and she reluctantly agreed. I probably won’t need that long to collect myself but I need some time off for a bit. We briefly discussed getting another therapist but she said there would be no one at the institution to give me the time I need/want. For a few days I thought we were on the same page in ending but I guess it isn’t the way I think it is. I am still so fearful she is going to end on me.

Hope the T storms cool things down. It is supposed to roll through sometime this evening. It is crazy hot in the house. I think the house is hotter than outside. I got a headache and a backache right now. Hope the two aren’t related. All I did was put some toilet paper in the bathroom so was walking around the house. I got my AC on full power at the lowest setting and it’s still humid in my room. I don’t think I am going to shower today. My back hurts too much to stand even for 10 minutes. I will try and take it in the morning. I have PT in the evening. It’s supposed to rain all day.

CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps

It has been muggy in the house the past few days as a warm front is passing through. Temps have been above 70 degrees and I have had the AC going. You would think that would be a cause of my foot being cold but I shut off the AC a few hours ago and then my foot got cold then exploded in pain. I have been miserable since. All I have had to eat today is two donuts and coffee. I don’t really feel like eating. I’ve slept most of the day. I am just so tired. I dealt with bad emotions last night. My anxiety was at its worst. Sometimes it is hard to know it is anxiety and I need an Ativan to calm down. Once the medication works, I can think clearer and not so dark sometimes.

I had therapy. I asked for an extra session as the dysphoria was really getting to me. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to shower because I don’t want to see myself naked. I wish there were no mirrors in the bathroom. I hate looking at myself. Sometimes I look at myself and think damn I look good and other times I hate myself so damn much I can’t stand looking at me. I have been meaning to trim my beard all week but that hasn’t happened. I just don’t have the energy for self-care. I was able to brush my teeth this morning before taking my meds. I find that if I brush after having my morning void is easier than trying to do it after I have had my coffee.

My day started late because after I took my morning meds I went back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1300. I had coffee because it has become a routine to have coffee when I wake up. I tried to take a nap after coffee because I was feeling tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was too anxious I would sleep through my appointment.

I realized today that I had a really nuts therapist who really thought she had possession of me. In a way I am glad I am no longer in that relationship but I miss her sometimes. She provided me care when no one else did and was my biggest supporter in my efforts to be me. She went to the poster session with me at my first conference. My psych was to show up but never did. My psych is someone who I miss terribly. It is coming on two years now that she has been gone. It still hurts like the day we said goodbye. We still keep in touch and have had a few zoom calls since then. I never thought this psychiatrist would be on zoom but she did.

I have to plan my grocery delivery. I got to remove some stuff from my cart so I don’t go over my limit. I am going to the store on Monday with my cousin. I will get the stuff I am removing then. I need to have the heavy stuff delivered so it is easier to bring upstairs. The ice cream and steak I can get at the store.

Day 11 of Covid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Day 11 of Covid

It has been more than 24hrs since I ran a fever so I think I am out of the quarantine now. I am feeling so damn tired and the docs can’t do anything for me as the time for antibody treatment has passed. I need to give my shot today of testosterone. It will be at the increased dose. I am kind of nervous about it. I plan on giving it to myself after I write this blog.

I don’t think I am going to be looking at my blog stats anymore. The numbers have been terrible lately. It seems on days I write have better numbers than on days I don’t. Maybe now that I am not so sick from Covid I will write more. It is just hard because I sometimes don’t have the clarity to write.

Monday I had therapy and I told her about my eating problems. She took it as a control thing. I am supposed to eat something every day until I see her again. That is going to be hard to do but maybe not as I am out of quarantine now and can leave the house. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte. I also want a sandwich. I might have UberEats deliver me one. I don’t know if I will be strong enough to walk. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds. I am kind of nervous about it because coming back home always makes me short of breath. It is a nice day out so maybe it won’t be so bad walking.

I need to wash my clothes that have covid on them, including my masks. I don’t know if I will be able to do it today as I am awfully tired. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I realized last night that I lost my sense of smell. I still have my sense of taste so I am glad about that. I just can’t smell anymore. I hope it comes back. I wanted to get my vaccine but they are saying that I need to wait a month for it to happen. Fuck. That sucks.

I pre-ordered Taylor Swift’s new version of Fearless and even though it said I purchased it, it still won’t download on my phone. I have to talk with Amazon about it but I can’t be bothered right now. So I am just listening on the amazon app. I don’t know when I am going to talk to the people at Amazon to find out why my music isn’t downloading properly. But least I can listen to her music. It makes me feel in a good mood when I listen to her music.

I got a new baseball history book that I plan on reading sometime today. I can’t wait. I have never been so excited to read a history book before. I hope that it has what I am looking for or I will just write my own the way I want it.