Tag: therapy

blah blah blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blah blah blah

All I did today was sleep. I just could not get my motor running and I really didn’t want to. My mother cooked bacon and I had some and then I went to bed. She made dinner and then I took a nap. Other than the few times I had to go to the bathroom, I haven’t left my room. I just have been sleeping.

I woke up in the middle of the night again so there was my first problem. I was in pain and couldn’t go back to sleep. I also woke up with the same pain and it didn’t go away. I have had it all day, which really made me want to stay in bed.

I had texted my former therapist to see how collection of my things were going. She said to pick a date as she was dragging her heels. I figured as much. So I picked the 24th to go out to get my things. It shouldn’t take me too long so I figure three hours on the zipcar should be enough to go there and back, provided there is no traffic. It was really painful to see her name in my text list again. I still miss her. I still want to text her that I have a new therapist but I don’t want to open a can of worms that I can’t close.

I got an email from my therapist after I emailed him a research article about a suicide condition I think I may have. He said it was good that I was thinking about these things but he didn’t have time to read the article and if I did want him to, to bring it in our next session. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s a long article and I don’t want to waste time with him reading during our time. I might just read it and then bring a summary of the article with me for him to read. I think that will be better.

I guess I have some homework to do before my next therapy session. I just hope something happens with it. Usually when I did work for the other therapist, it worked for that session and then got forgot about the next. That annoyed the piss out of me. I hope this guy is different.

a real exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A real exhausting day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4ish and then woke up around 8. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to sleep after I took my blood pressure pill. I slept for the next few hours and did not want to leave my bed at all. I needed to shower so I did that. I came back to my room and I was exhausted. It was around 1300 and I needed to leave the house in an hour. I thought about canceling therapy but it was too late for that. I fiddled with my computer and then got dressed.

I went to Starbucks and had something to eat with my espresso. I really didn’t want to do anything. I tried writing and didn’t get too far. I didn’t want to work on my blog project. I just wanted therapy hour to hurry up so I could go home and sleep.

Therapy came and we mostly talked about my father. I didn’t feel better talking about him. It was old news. The therapist was pissing me off because he was picking at his nails or cleaning them, I am not sure which but it was annoying. Towards the end of session, he wanted me to do something nice for myself tomorrow on my father’s anniversary. I said the only nice thing I do is buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks. That is usually a treat for me. Gets me out of the house for a little while. So he said that was doable. Then he said our time was over and I left.

I caught the train I usually miss so I was able to catch the bus home earlier than I usually do. I was going to get a burrito but I will get it tomorrow when I am out, if I do go out. Everything is up in the air at this point. I am really tired and just want to take my night meds and crash. I had some motivation to work on my blog project on the way home but that went out the window soon as I came to my room. I was hot and sweaty because I wore my winter coat and it wasn’t that cold out today. My ankle is starting to flare so I am not going to eat anything but pain meds right now.

My PCP’s office called me. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will go into town tomorrow to get it. I only have 4 pills left. I will go to Walgreens afterwards to get it filled. Guess I won’t be changing my sheets tomorrow like I had planned. My cousin just texted me and now I feel all depressed because instead of enjoying her retirement, she is taking care of my aunt full-time. I am happy that she is but I know how stressful it can be. Caretaking is so difficult.

New Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Therapist

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. I made breakfast after my mother left the house so I wouldn’t be bothered with her game playing or the loud TV. I wanted to catch the bus but I just missed it so I decided to go to the post office to mail a thing for a friend. The line was long and it was hot in the little office. The temp was close to 70 degrees outside and it must have been 80 inside. I was dying. By the time I was through, I collected my things and waited for the next bus. It was nice out so I didn’t mind waiting.

I went to Starbucks and got 5 shots espresso. My brain needed it as I had a headache and my brain was foggy. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was really coming to me. I decided to read my book so I read half a chapter before the writing bug hit as what I was reading was making my thoughts go wild. I decided I was going to review this book on my blog so I started writing about each chapter and my thoughts on the matter. When I was stuck, I started back writing in my journal. Before I knew it, it was time to catch the train. I was tapped out of coffee and writing.

I was still kind of early so I waited at the train station for a bit and let a few trains go by before getting on. I only had three stops to go so it was a short ride. By that time my bladder needed releasing so I hurried the therapist’s office building. I just made it to the bathroom and I had 25 minutes before my appointment. I was shocked I walked so quickly to the office.

I met with the therapist. He seemed really nice. He went over his policies and payment. I wouldn’t have a payment today because he couldn’t figure out what it would be so I will be billed. I was grateful because I am running low on funds. We talked for 45 minutes, with me doing most of the talking about myself and my condition. He asked questions as we went along. Then came the difficult part of telling him about my horrid suicidality. He was okay with it. Okay, great. I then asked what he does with suicidal clients and he explained what he does. I then asked if he had a contract of some kind. He said no. I thought that was a little odd, but I was okay with it. I really liked him and he seems willing to work with me on my direction so I have a new therapist!

What was odd was the female therapist that I left several messages to, called me back today. I was in a quandary as to what to do. But I made up my mind to go with this guy. His office is convenient for me and it’s in the evening so I am cool with that. I feel comfortable with him. We’ll meet again in two weeks as he is on vacation next week. Gives me time to process the session a little bit.

Saturday Blog 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 78

I’m having a rough day. I can’t seem to stay awake. I am drinking coffee. It’s stronger than I would like but maybe it will keep me awake. I really don’t want to take a nap. I did one errand today and that was to go to the pharmacy for my meds. It’s cold out but by the time I walked back home and came up the stairs, I was sweating. I am glad I wore a light shirt because a sweater would have killed me. I still had my window open as it was still warm in my room. I had shut the ceiling fan off because it was cold. I wanted to air out my room a little bit.

I ordered pizza for lunch and when I came back to my room, I had to close the window. It was really cold. The birds were chirping this morning like it was a spring day. Very weird. As I was making coffee, I watched some of the baseball game. They tied it up. I wanted to rest my ankle so I came back upstairs.

I placed some more items on my growing grocery list. Trouble is, the frozen items are going to have to be put in the basement freezer because there is no room in my freezer for them. My mother went shopping last week and bought a lot of frozen items. I think I am going to make a garden burger for dinner. I haven’t had one in a while.

I don’t see my psychiatrist again for two weeks. I kind of miss seeing her every week. My mood has been up and down, depending on pain. I haven’t had any bad suicidal moods but thoughts of dying have crossed my mind the past few days. I didn’t tell my psych about them because they didn’t last long. She usually doesn’t ask me at all about my suicidal stuff. She leaves it to me to bring it up. It’s how we have always worked.

She didn’t have any luck so far in finding me a therapist. She wants to get through to the triage line but can’t get a hold of a human to talk to. Welcome to my world, doc. She said she will get in touch with me if she finds someone. It’ll be almost two months since I have been without a therapist. This has been the longest I have been without seeing someone. It is weird not talking to someone every week.