Tag: writing

BLAH

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

That is how I have been feeling the last two days. I just feel like the end of the world has come upon me. I don’t want to do anything, I just want to sleep.

Monday I have a meeting with a group therapy leader and I am thinking it is just too much to go. I want to but in this state all I want to do is fuck it all. I have no energy to eat, though I have forced myself to have a little of something. And to drink my slim fast shakes. Today I had Chinese food and I didn’t even enjoy it or finish it. I guess I will have it for later or tomorrow.

My sister texted me today saying she hasn’t seen me. Well I don’t feel like going downstairs. I don’t feel like going out. I just want to be left alone, away from everybody. The next few weeks are going to be rough and I am not sure how I am going to handle it. I am beyond coping right now.

The group leader sent me a packet I am to fill out. It’s like twenty pages long. Some intake. I hardly feel like writing a blog let alone fill out twenty pages of god knows what. I am so tired. Maybe I will just deal with that tomorrow and sleep the rest of today. I have never felt this bad before. I have never had this loss of energy and motivation before. This really sucks. I know most of it has to do with my menses. I just feel so defeated. Like I was going to make this huge change and was expected it to go kind of rough but I was NOT expecting my menses to show up and wear me down. Six weeks I have had this and seems like I will have it for another eight to nine. No one cares how much this is humiliating me. To have to wear female underwear and female products for this long is just draining the life out of me.

A good friend gave me a good tip. When I can take my sister’s car, I am going to go to Stop and Shop and buy all the asparagus they have and buy a bottle of Alleve. Hopefully something will work.

issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

The new year started and I think I can finally come out of the closet as being a “girl” and tell my family I’m a guy. Then my menses started and I was really on edge. I told one of my sisters the week after new years and had a meltdown the whole weekend. It was crying from relief, frustration, anger, etc you name it. She was concerned about telling my mother and my other sister so I have decided to put that off for now.

Unfortunately this year has not started right. Week before, the dreaded menses started and have not stopped for the past 6 fucking weeks. I missed a pill because I was sick and that is how this whole thing started. I am so mad at myself because that is the one pill I take above all the others. I have had a mixture of break through bleeding and I just want it to stop so I can go back to being a man and wear my boxers again. I have to wear female underwear and I don’t like it at all. It is messing with my head. Here I was ready to come out as a guy and I am bleeding like a girl. Talk about head spinner. I feel humiliated beyond belief and I want to cut so bad. I’m fantasizing about how it will make me feel but I know that if I start I won’t be able to stop. It’s like a drug. The release is intense. Right now I’m feeling so numb that it might just help me feel something.

I hate not being able to control my menstrual cycle. I have to go back to the reproductive endocrine doc and I know she most likely will want to do the female exam I have been dreading. I feel so demoralized by this, so humiliated because I was a true man, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m so tired of not being a guy on the outside. I’m just about ready to end it all. I have time to write letters, to say I am sorry that I tried but my damn cycle fucked everything up for me. And I have to end it. I tried telling my psychiatrist this but I don’t think I got through.
My therapist has my suicide notes I wrote back in 2009. I just gave them to her to hold for me. They were written right before I was involuntarily hospitalized.

I figure if I cut it might let go some of the suicidal thoughts. I know that sounds stupid but I really think it might help. I can’t stand the pain of living this, this two lives bullshit anymore. I feel I have taken two steps back in this arena when I wanted to move forward. I hear the constant voice that says I will always be a little girl no matter what and I want it to shut up once and for all. I won’t be graphic about what I will do but I just think a little cut is all I need to get the stuff out of my head. Maybe then the pain will stop and I can feel normal again.

unbearable psychache

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Been having a hard time the last few hours. I really want to do some self-harm. I just am disgusted with myself for some reason and want to cut. I feel like I should be doing something but what I should be doing I have no idea.

I have been also feeling a lot of psychache. Every time I feel it I feel like I have to do something self-destructive. I don’t know why I get this way. It’s not like anything happened. I have been listening to Gary Allan and playing my games. I had breakfast and wanted to get back to sleep. My back is bothering me because it’s thirteen degrees out. I thought I would go out but it’s too cold. I hate getting all bundled up just to mail a letter.

My breasts have been bothering me so maybe that is the problem. They are extremely itchy because of dry skin and the cold. I hate it. I hate my chest things with a despicable passion. I just can’t stand how my body is and there is no way I can like it until the things are chopped off. I am starting to save my money so I can get the operation. I figure by the time I get that much money saved, I might be on hormone replacement therapy. I am trying but it’s not easy. I really know I should meet with the special docs that deal with this stuff and maybe my menses would really stop. It’s been a month and a half that I have been dealing with this and I am not liking it!!! I have to wear female underwear because the pads don’t fit well in my boxers. It is so depressing and demoralizing. Just another way for my stupid body to remind me that I am not who I am. I just want to cry.

I haven’t told any other family members about me wanted to be who I am. I just can’t seem to bring myself to tell my mother or my other sister. I am just afraid that I will become suicidal as the sister I told had some reservations about this. It’s making me suicidal anyway. I just am so tired of fighting who I am not. The struggle is unbearable. If I could I would just stab myself right now. That is how bad I feel but the stupid breast would probably get in the way and I would just cause tissue damage than any organ damage. My life just sucks…

Long Distance Phone Calls and Twitter

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders

It’s been a few days since my last blog. I think I have run out of writing material. I just have been so down that I just can’t write. Nothing interesting has happened other than I finally got my phone fixed. I took off Google Voice and that seemed to bring me back to the Sprint network. I was able to connect to my friend in the UK but the connection was stinky. Half way through I got disconnected. I was pissed. Then she ringed me back and we talked some more.

I also talked with my friend from Canada. I miss talking with her so much. But she is back working so doesn’t have the time she used to to chat. We talk mostly through Facebook chat but would love to call her again.

Went out for dinner tonight. Had a glass of wine. I still feel lightheaded. I am a light drinker. Dinner was ok. I have had better Italian food. Even the brownie sundae sucked.

Been tweeting my country radio station most of the evening. I just think they are so awesome an there hasn’t been much tweeter traffic so I am tweeting away. I’m probably annoying the DJ, LOL…But he did play Downtown by Lady A. I love this new song. I can’t wait till it comes out on Amazon so I can download it, legally of course. I don’t believe in downloading illegal stuff. It’s just wrong to do so. I know people that do it but I don’t.