Tag: writing

Am I a writer?

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

I haven’t done much more than drink coffee and take a shower, which both seem to be an accomplishment given how I have been feeling lately. The weird mood has ceased and I am back to my depressed self. I am not thinking about harming myself but it is in the back of my mind. I am listening to the same country music songs over and over. It’s a compilation of artists that suit my fancy, from The Band Perry, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan and Blake Shelton to Daughtry, Goyte, and Rob Thomas.

I should be working on my introduction but have decided today is my Sabbath and I am not going to work, other than write my daily blog. I thought about doing some editing but I am just not up for it. I should make a table of contents. I might do that later.

I just can’t seem to get motivated today. I woke up in pain. I don’t know if I was sleeping wrong or my foot just decided it was time to get up, but it has been throbbing since eight this morning. I guess the pain meds that I took before bed wore off. But the pain didn’t deter me from taking a shower. And I rested after I took a shower because I am not going out today.

Thanks to a fellow blog reader, she found me the blog that I was looking for yesterday. I added it to the grief section of my book. I still have to come up with another three thousand words or more now. Just 3,000. Oh boy. I don’t know if I can do it. I know the ending is partly done as I am going to stick in the future blog in it with what I got already. Now I just have to work on the introduction and call it a book. I started the intro yesterday but didn’t get too far. Words were coming out like I was pulling teeth. I only wrote a page and a half and that took quite a bit of effort. I don’t know why words come easily to me at times and other times it so painful. I know when I am feeling content, I don’t write at all. It’s only when I am darkly depressed or slightly depressed that I can express myself. Reading Touched With Fire again is confirming this. Though I don’t really consider myself a writer, if only because I have not published anything formally. I know my therapist will bring up the paper and poem I had published when I was a teen but I don’t really count that as writing. Well, maybe. If I could find the book I am sure I could tell.

Thing is, I never wanted to become a writer. Sure when I was reading Star Trek: TNG books, I thought I could write one but it always seemed out of reach for me. I wanted to study medicine, to help other people. But when that went up in smoke, I just quit. I suffered and I managed a job that at times I hated for fourteen years. I wasn’t making big bucks working at the hospital. Decent money sure with benefits and all, but it didn’t make me happy. I did the work of three people and still managed to do it accurately. It makes me sad that I can no longer work at that job, least not when my foot is still the way it is. And because of my mental illness, I am not sure I can really hold a job again. I probably could hold a part-time job, but even that will take some doing. I know that I can’t work as a barista at Starbucks because there is too much standing and lifting. But I might be able to get away with it for a couple of days a week. But I don’t know if I want to go back to retail. I swore after my days of Somerville Lumber, I would NEVER go back. I couldn’t stand the bitchy customers who would argue over a nickel or penny difference. I so wanted to reach in my pocket and give them a dime, just so they would leave!

But when the time comes for me to look for work again, I hope that I am well enough.

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?

Thanksgiving Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

The Thankful Blog

I am thankful for my writing partner that is there for me every day and helps me in my writing ways.

I am thankful for my blog readers because without you, my blog would be meaningless.

To my blogger friends, without your support, I doubt I would keep this blog going like I do.

I am thankful for my friends and family members that keep me here even if they don’t know it.

I am thankful for my psychiatrist and therapist that help me to see things differently and give me hope when I no longer have it.

I am thankful for my Facebook and Twitter readers and the support they give in the things that I do.

thinking of my future is so not me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

You know, I never really thought ahead with time before. I found that if I did it overwhelmed me too much so I always stuck with today or the hour or sometimes the minute because I had to. But now with this book that is turning into my baby, I am finding myself looking forward to the future more. Totally a weird sensation. I am not saying this makes me less depressed. It makes me a little less suicidal or have suicidal thoughts that float more rather than linger.

Today I have been in a weird space. I had a good session with my therapist and for some reason it put me in a good mood. Now I am wondering if I am hypomanic because I am in a good mood and have been up since 5. Things with the hypomania can spiral out of control quickly so if I am not my usual pessimistic self I tend to worry.

My writing friend said that I should write about this weird sensation but I am finding it difficult to because it is so not like me to think about the future. Usually my future is pitch black. I don’t have one. I know everyone does, but for a LONG time I just didn’t. Thinking about the future brought worry and anxiety. I had to get through today first and that was always difficult enough so I stopped thinking about future things. I still think that I can get my degree and my doctorate and be the therapist that I want to be. I know that I don’t want to be old and gray though, too. I have Alzheimer’s on both sides of my family so I know there is a good chance that I might get it. I already am having trouble with memory. I often write things and I forget that I write them. I don’t know if it is the dark side or just another part of me that was in the moment and I had these ideas. I am sure when I look back on this post, I am going to be like WTF, I wrote this?? That is so unlike me! And it is and that is what is weird.

My friend also thought that I don’t reward myself because of my suicidality. I have been suicidal for so long that I don’t think I can look past a month at a time without fearing losing my life. It’s like I am a Klingon and wake up every morning asking is this the day I am going to die? People don’t understand this. I know my family would be watching me like a hawk if they had any clue just how suicidal I have been the past few months. And the past two days I have felt like I have been in an alternate reality or something because thinking of my future is so not me. But this book that I am writing and sort of slaving over has given me a different perspective. I want to see this book published. I want to see this book successful. If I sell 100 copies, I will be happy, least for a little while. But I didn’t go on disability to be a successful writer. The bad stuff is still under the surface. I was re-reading “Touched with Fire” and came across a quote from Hugo Wolf “I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too, before others quite reasonably and it looks as if I felt, too. God knows how well within my skin, yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. This is so true of me. I appear to be merry, cheerful, happy to the outside world but inside I am tormented and my heart bleeds. Nothing can stop the bleeding. I thought that working on this book would help the ache, and it has to some degree but it is still there. I might not be feeling it 100% of the time, all the time, but it is still there. I can’t deny it anymore than I can deny my foot pain that also is my nemesis. I am my own worst enemy. But today I can say that I am more a friend.