Another depressing day

Today was a rough day. I had an annoying appt with my therapist. I wish I hung up on her (we have phone sessions because it is too far for me to see her as I do not have a car). I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts but she was not having any part of it.
I am in a seriously depressed mood. I started talking about my plans and how I am going to cancel my Tuesday appt because I just don’t feel like talking and she schedules me for a Monday session. I don’t want to fucking talk. I just want to be left alone you idiot but she didn’t get the message.
We talked about how to tell my mother about me being Mike. I am scared. Maybe I don’t have to tell her. There is no time limit that says I have to tell her now. Let me get comfortable with being Mike before I go telling my family. That is how I came out. I came out to my friends before I came out to my family. So far my friends have been more than supportive. My former coworkers are happy for me. Why am I not happy? Why am I feeling so down all I want to do is kill myself?
After therapy and the ensuing fight of getting another session in, I fell asleep. It was cold in my room and I was exhausted from getting up early to see my psychiatrist earlier this morning. Besides it was really cold out so it’s not like I could take a walk anywhere. I can’t walk too far anyways. Damn ankle prevents that from happening. Though my ankle has been behaving the past few days. Until now. Now it is aching and throbbing. I hear the temp is going down to 8 degrees tomorrow, which is a good 20 degrees lower than it is now. Just wonderful that I am a human barometer. I hate that the change in temp causes me pain. I used to love the winter because I love the cold. Now the cold hurts so I don’t love it as much. I just popped 3 baby aspirin because I couldn’t find my advil gelcaps. My left calf is sore and with all the laying around that I have been doing I am scared I might get a DVT, a deep venous thrombosis, a very bad blood clot. But I am trying not to worry because it might be the ticket out this world and keep me from having to kill myself. It takes a lot of planning and energy to kill yourself. I just am too exhausted to try again. Though I still have my plans of throwing myself off my back porch with a rope around my neck. Chances are though I will make a terrible knot and fall to the ground. That will be embarrassing…
Listening to number 8 on my playlist, Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift. Her music always seems to lift me up. Her and Mary Chapin Carpenter are my favorite female artists that I listen to when I am down and out. Right now I have my MP3 player on party shuffle as part of the writing challenge that I am doing. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one because it talks about family. I think I will just make it short and sweet and be done with it.