Pain is at it again

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Pain is at it again

  1. avaswan says:

    I know heat is bad for me too. Keep your foot warm and take some meds if you can.

  2. G. Collerone says:

    yea, tell me about it. Stupidly went to the bathroom without slippers and now my feet are ice. My affected foot is hurting more than anything right now and I don’t know what to do for it other than wear thermal socks. going to suck when it warms up though!

  3. avaswan says:

    Take it easy today and rest! I’m down today too, the cold weather hurts so bad. Hugs!

  4. G. Collerone says:

    Not better today. Made something to eat and it flared back up. I can’t win

  5. avaswan says:

    I hope you feel better today sweetie! Pain is a hard way to live, I’m in a lot of pain today too. I know how hard that gets, and I understand where you are coming from. But I’m here for the long hall and want you to be too. Hopefully they will soon be able to help people like us with our pain…..

  6. As someone who battled with suicide for a long time, I hope you reconsider but can’t blame you if you don’t. I never thought I would be here but I recovered and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with such promise ahead. My hope is that you can have that too.

    Like you, I have my fair share of run ins with pain, and still do. I’ve survived 4 heart conditions in my life and still live with one. I’ve learned to live with it as a condition of who I am and what it means to be alive. Doctors are amazed that I’m able to go hiking and hit the gym every week.

    All the best, and again, I hope you hang in there.

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